twister

its that time again and im especially glad that its 'that time' again seeing as how i missed last weeks soul purging. as ive said before, my confessions are mainly things i really do think about. things that consume my day and most, if not all, of my brain. so its for that reason i come to confessional and have this random diatribe posted for all to see. consequently, my wife is very appreciative of the glamazon for hosting this venue, because prior to the friday confessional, she played catcher to my nonsense baseballs and i guess one can only take so much ya know. even though im pretty sure she loves me 'long time', how many times can a person be expected to hear about things like: rear view mirrors and why things are NOT as they appear when you look in them. i mean dont we have enough technology to get that corrected? or how those snow cones with the crunched up ice arent worth a rip and the 'smooth' snow cones are the way to go. or how in the hell did the terrible show 'ALF' last longer than conan o'brien and who exactly was their target market? anyway, like i said, im almost positive she's able to look beyond these 'special qualities' of mine and give me unconditional love regardless of how many times i say that jawbreakers are easily in the top 5 of worst candies. ever. i mean who wants a ball in their mouth for that long(thats what she said) only to break your jaw afterwards??


ive decided to do something special this week because i missed last week. anyway, the friday confessional according to me in the 'thats what she said edition.'

i couldnt think of a 'thats what she said' line for all of them though.





1.) i recently mentioned that justin biebers was terrible. with this being the friday confessional and all, i would like to take this moment to issue an apology. so here it goes, ahem, 'hey justin, whats up bro? i saw you on saturday night live and i posted something about how your music was crap. well bud, i apologize....not that your music doesnt still suck, but ive found someone waaaaaay worse. her name is ke$ha. have you heard of her? well dont sweat it if you havent because her music is the quite literally the equivalent to grabbing all the silverware out the drawer and throwing it in the air. the ensuing bothersome sound is exactly what her music reminds me of. just noise. a bothersome and gross noise.'

--i would like to add that if your name is 'kimberly' there is a good chance you are a white female. if your name happens to be 'darnell', there is a reasonable chance you are a black male. if your name is 'ke$ha' then you are undoubtedly a horse shit 'singer'

--i would also like to add that this will be the last time i spell her name with a dollar sign or refer to her howling as singing or music.


2.) my wife and i are big into letting our kids 'find out' and 'be' who they are. we let them choose their own clothes for school each morning and even pick their own stuff when they receive cash or gift cards. i even allow my son to wear flip flops because he wanted to get a pair. (2 things to add here: i despise flip flops on men and i will say that i wasnt with him when he chose them but thats besides the point) okay so having said that, my son WILL NOT join the boy scouts. no offense to all those pro boy scouts, but i find it weird. i'll just teach my son how to tie a knot, roast marshmallows and throw spears at home. whatever i cant teach him about the outdoors probably isnt necessary because its 2010 and im pretty sure he wont be secluded in a forest without a lighter or cell phone.


3.) doors that need to be pushed to open but have handles infuriate me. its like having velcro and laces. why does pushing and pulling have to be so difficult (thats what she said)


4.) my wife and i love scary movies and actually have the hardest time (thats what she said) finding other couples who both enjoy a good scare flick. the new nightmare on elm street movie looks terrible and im sure the one who'll have trouble finding someone to watch it with is my wife, because she wants to see it and i dont. theres only one freddy krueger and thats joan rivers robert englund.


5.) i have a ridiculous sweet tooth and several cavities to prove it. i love most everything from skittles, starburst jelly beans, lucky charms(lets face it), twix, snickers, cake, pie, etc. i guess what im trying to say is that calling twinkies a dessert is offensive and if i was a peach cobbler i would be offended. just because something has cream in the middle (thats what she said) doesnt make it a dessert. its no different than just because someone is moving about the dance floor doesnt mean they are dancing.

6. speaking of moving about the dance floor, i cant quite figure out what watching kate gosselin move about the dance floor reminds me of exactly. i do have it down to at least two things though. its either: watching a lion tear through a bloody carcass or two people play twister while standing up....left foot blue dot, right elbow yellow dot, etc

7. speaking of, again, twister. calling it a board game is like calling spam food. it is literally impossible to play the game without it leading to sex. did you know the original title of the game isnt twister? its been through numerous name changes but the very first was called 'doggy style...well kinda'. then it was called 'why is your elbow on my balls?'. then it was called 'i dont know why your elbow is on my balls but i think we should have sex.' then they went with 'precursor to doing it.' of course there was 'technically we just had sex.' and the last name before settling on twister was 'dont tell your mom we just dry humped'.

8. i am astounded that yanni sold/sells cd's. thats pretty bold of him to go by one name. interesting name too, but i find it weird that he misspells his own name. then again, i guess 'yawn-i' would be too obvious. i think his name in hebrew means 'precursor to sleep'.


9. i'd love to see spencer or heidi pratt wearing one of those 'im with stupid shirts'. it would be so literal!

10. if i were an atheist, i would point to spiders and snakes as evidence there is no god. my reasoning would simply be that if there were an all knowing god, he would have been able to see that because of his creation, it would then spawn the creation of horseshit movies like '8 legged freaks' and 'snakes on a plane.'