Monday, November 30, 2009

IV

i re-posted the following because i started typing it one night and after one too many cups of egg nog, i was unable, unwilling, and too unhealthy to finish typing. so now that my cholesterol has returned to normal and i no longer dry heave when eggs or noggs(whatever that means) are mentioned i thought i'd put it back in order...




i have two of the sweetest daughters a father could have. i mean they are polite, attentive, funny, helpful, smart to name a few of their qualities. some mornings my 10 year old will have already made breakfast and took the dog out. yes, 10 years old. every report card they've had say something along the lines of 'kiera (my 10 year old) jadyn (my 7 year old) are a joy to have in class. they're respectful of the classroom rules and they always have their homework.' its like God took the best qualities from the mrs and me and made two spectacular little girls

i swear the room fills with bubbles and can smell flowers and cotton candy when i talk about them like this.

...but wait, i smell something else as well. (sniff sniff) it smells like someone put tobasco on the cotton candy?? the flowers are now trampled and smell of urine??...oh wait, its just my son pictured here...







as evidenced in this picture, he cant just take a regular picture. yup, lil sammy IV. he's the fourth and a one of a kind mind you. there is no such thing as a simple/quiet/serene/dull moment until he is tucked away in his bed. my daughters have the cutest most infectious laughs you could imagine. my son on the other hand, simply has the most infectious hands. im still doing the proper research, but i swear his dirty clothes hamper had something to do with the swine flu outbreak.

he's also into girls...already. i mean like we'll be at the mall and he'll double-take when he see's a pretty girl, young or old. he's 6 years old btw. while at a celtics game, whenever the cheerleaders took to the court, everyone else was obsolete. we've actually caught him undressing his sisters barbie dolls. he was 3 at the time.

the other day, we were all at a restaurant eating dinner when he said he had to go to the bathroom. so i escort him because i dont like him going on his own basically for two reasons: 1. who knows what creepy folks hang there. 2. i dont want my son sneaking a peek up some ladies skirt. at any rate, he has to "drop a deuce" as he actually calls it. ahem, which is partly my fault but i swear i dont know where he got the looking under dress thing!...i havent done that in years.

he walks in the stall and closes the door. no one else is there so all i can hear is water splashing and the soft tones of a 6 year old humming the black eyed peas hit 'imma be'. while i wait, i decide to play texas hold em poker on my phone. i wait i play. i play i wait when two teenagers walk in saying whatever nonsense teenagers say that they think is cool. they sorta look at me with that 'what he hell are you doing here' look because there's an open stall next to me. so i tell one that im just waiting on my son. so he goes in the stall and his friend uses the urinal. so now IM the creepy guy hanging out in the bathroom playing poker on his phone. im also the creeped out guy because there's three people around me urinating and going #2 and im apparently in the audience. just when things couldnt get any more creeped out, while still sitting on the porcelain throne, my son calls out from behind the door

'dad it stinks in here, did you fart?'
im like 'no sammy, thats probably you'.
'haha okay. i did a big one!'
'okay hurry up'
--feeling the need to change the subject, his next words were
'dad when i get big will i have a big one like you?'

he's innocently asked this before and he's not talking about his stool. also the other times he's asked me, we were at home and not around strangers.

if you've never seen a black man blush, come hang with me and son for a day and i'll show you one.

i say all this in jest of course. well some of it anyway. he is extremely smart and reads well above his age level, but its just hard to see because the boy is out of his mind(he's read his oldest sisters books since last year)

despite his crazy/embarrassing antics, i wouldnt have him any other way...well i guess i could without the swine flu in my house...

Monday, November 23, 2009

food coma induces excessive shopping

with another thanksgiving looming, that can only mean another phenomenon follows. black friday. its the day where people have just eaten entirely too much, so naturally spending too much is the obvious follow up.

its a day where people flock to the malls to buy crap they dont need but still claim to have saved money. i guess i think thats what most people do anyway. i seriously doubt a majority of people have a washer breakdown, for example, in july and think 'oh i'll just do without till black friday'. i doubt very many people are filling 'a need' when they descend upon the doors of their favorite stores.

the whole thrill of the day escapes me and has about as much relevance as those giant jawbreakers. i have a hard time seeing the draw to camping outside a store for several hours, sometimes in terrible conditions, to save a few bucks and trample the feeble in the process.

a few years ago i heard about a walmart in florida that opened their doors to a slew of deal seekers and in the process a few people were run over. and by run over i mean footprints on their skulls leaving them in hospital. the thing about the story that really tripped me out was that a few people were complaining...about walmart that is! one woman interviewed said she was upset walmart didnt do enough to protect them. walmart? protect you? i dont know what all walmart could do to protect them except maybe post signs that read, 'to all of you waiting outside like wolves on a bloody carcass, please refrain from stepping on any faces on your way to huge blowout deals we have on digital cameras and those bagel sized toasters.'

i dont know exactly what my deal is with the whole ordeal, but theres just something gruesome about seeing people mob a place, and people possibly, to 'kinda save' a few dollars on crap they normally wouldnt consider if it wasnt the day after thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

hummus

i bet my wife and kids will be soooo...surprised when they open their christmas gift! who wouldnt want a sculpture of an apparent 4 year old breast-feeding?? he's gotta be four AT LEAST, i mean his hair is parted.







i got some new bed pants the other day and i cant wait for it to start getting cold at nights so i dont have that gross feeling one feels as sweat and fleece are paired. i feel like a kid on christmas morning when i put them on. which is a nice change to being the 32 year old quasi adult i actually am.




i actually used the term 'bally-who' the other day...like on purpose. i weighed all my other options and chose bally-who. im thinkin' im going to lay off on my dictionary reading for a spell. maybe sit this one out

$6.50 is the absolute maximum any normal person should spend at taco bell. anything more than that is bordering gluttonous behavior.

the phrase 'easy as pie' is kinda misleading. pie is not an easy fix. maybe the phrase should read 'easy as buying a pie'.

other than a family member or close friend, do male baby-sitters, out of high school, exist?

we got our daughters bunk beds the other day and i got to thinking. i wish they made adult bunk beds...or at least not look at me funny for inquiring about it.

so i suppose im fancy now. fancy is the only way to accurately describe a person who eats hummus. hummus is made from chickpeas and is used as a dip for chips and vegetables like carrots, celery, etc. i mean who would have thought that a chickpea would have any other use other than giving us a better alternative to being forced to call them 'broad-peas'.

the other day i saw one of those ultra cheesy, terribly low budget lawyer commercials where they promise outlandish money and court cases will go your way and boldly say their name with some descriptive term that is supposed to make them appear macho. (ie joe the hammer, or mike the bulldog, etc) these commercials are way to high in numbers for my taste and that got me to thinking. there's alot of them for a reason and one of those is that other lawyers apparently see these commercials and think 'hey, i should setup my camera phone and make me one!' i then got to thinking again and wondered, do these lawyers go to 'regular law school' or like junior college law school?...quick, how do you keep a lawyer from drowning?...shoot him before he hits the water!

IV

i have two of the sweetest daughters a father could have. i mean they are polite, attentive, funny, helpful, smart to name a few of their qualities. some mornings my 10 year old will have already made breakfast and took the dog out. yes, 10 years old. every report card they've had say something along the lines of 'kiera (my 10 year old) jadyn (my 7 year old) are a joy to have in class. they're respectful of the classroom rules and they always have their homework.' its like God took the best qualities from the mrs and me and made two spectacular little girls

i swear the room fills with bubbles and can smell flowers and cotton candy when i talk about them like this.

...but wait, i smell something else as well. (sniff sniff) it smells like someone put tobasco on the cotton candy?? the flowers are now trampled and smell of urine??...oh wait, its just my son pictured here...







as evidenced in this picture, he cant just take a regular picture. yup, lil sammy IV. he's the fourth and a one of a kind mind you. there is no such thing as a simple/quiet/serene/dull moment until he is tucked away in his bed. my daughters have the cutest most infectious laughs you could imagine. my son on the other hand, simply has the most infectious hands. im still doing the proper research, but i swear his dirty clothes hamper had something to do with the swine flu outbreak.

he's also into girls...already. i mean like we'll be at the mall and he'll double-take when he see's a pretty girl, young or old. he's 6 years old btw. while at a celtics game, whenever the cheerleaders took to the court, everyone else was obsolete. we've actually caught him undressing his sisters barbie dolls. he was 3 at the time.

the other day, we were all at a restaurant eating dinner when he said he had to go to the bathroom. so i escort him because i dont like him going on his own basically for two reasons: 1. who knows what creepy folks hang there. 2. i dont want my son sneaking a peek up some ladies skirt. at any rate, he has to "drop a deuce" as he actually calls it. ahem, which is partly my fault but i swear i dont know where he got the looking under dress thing!...i havent done that in years.

he walks in the stall and closes the door. no one else is there so all i can hear is water splashing and the soft tones of a 6 year old humming the black eyed peas hit 'imma be'. while i wait, i decide to play texas hold em poker on my phone. i wait i play. i play i wait when two teenagers walk in saying whatever nonsense teenagers say that they think is cool. they sorta look at me with that 'what he hell are you doing here' look because there's an open stall next to me. so i tell one that im just waiting on my son. so he goes in the stall and his friend uses the urinal. so now IM the creepy guy hanging out in the bathroom playing poker on his phone. im also the creeped out guy because there's three people around me urinating and going #2 and im apparently in the audience. just when things couldnt get any more creeped out, while still sitting on the porcelain throne, my son calls out from behind the door

'dad it stinks in here, did you fart?'
im like 'no sammy, thats probably you'.
'haha okay. i did a big one!'
'okay hurry up'
--feeling the need to change the subject, his next words were
'dad when i get big will i have a big one like you?'

he's innocently asked this before and he's not talking about his stool. also the other times he's asked me, we were at home and not around strangers.

if you've never seen a black man blush, come hang with me and son for a day and i'll show you one.

i say all this in jest of course. well some of it anyway. he is extremely smart and reads well above his age level, but its just hard to see because the boy is out of his mind(he's read his oldest sisters books since last year)

despite his crazy/embarrassing antics, i wouldnt have him any other way...well i guess i could without the swine flu in my house...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

non-skid surfaces

while watching the news here in new england the other night i peeped a story they were reporting about how it seems that sooner or later it will be illegal to text while driving. generally speaking, i really am not a fan of the news. i just really could do without alot of the horrid and tragic stories that seem to litter the newscasts. but i digress. mannequin looking folks delivering morbidness is not the topic de jour. no this post is in essence about the sky mall in flight magazine. i bet your thinking 'now what does the monstrosity we call sky mall have to do with texting and driving and mannequins?' well be patient my friends, i will attempt to enlighten you.

some time ago i posted about how i thought the sky mall magazine was the mothership for all things ridiculous and unnecessary. i mean they really have the trivial trinkets market on lock. maybe i could take some of my random thoughts to them and we could come up with a few products for them to push. oh i dont know, just spitballin' here, but maybe we could sell customizable doorstops. not just any customizable doorstop though. no ours would be in the image of someone's face you would like to see slammed by a door and best of all, you wouldnt go to jail for it! maybe its that teacher who gave you detention. maybe its the mcdonalds employee that put onions on your burger even though you specifically told them not to and when you told them about it they acted like you were being ridiculous for not wanting the stinkin' onions. the list goes on. we would have the customers send in a pic of the person and within a month or so they would have their awesomeness incarnate!...



so what was i talking about again??...thats right, the mannequins bit. anyway, like i was saying, i saw that alot of folks seem to be upset or scared of drivers that text and law may soon mirror the notion. i must say that i dont totally agree but i definitely see where they're coming from. i just dont think everyone who drives and texts does it dangerously. people do alot of things while driving other than driving that are just as bad. or potentially bad anyway. i honestly think eating while driving is just as dangerous and dont let the moron get my order wrong! i hate scraping off onions while trying to text, read, and shave all while driving! so annoying. anyway i admit im probably just being a baby because i do text at times and hate to think of all the messages i wont be able to send now that i could potentially be pulled over for it. no more funny/offensive email forwards to all my friends, but all this did bring to mind a product i saw in the scrap yard...i mean, sky mall magazine. get a gander at this baby...







thats right. its an office workstation for your, (drumroll please)...passenger seat??

okay. so if my reading and interpretation of a possible law are accurate, it will soon be illegal to text but it will be fine and dandy to print out documents and file papers. here's its description...



These workstations strap to the seat with the existing seat belt and provide a non-slip writing surface, a hanging file sectioni and space for a laptop and accessories. Lightweight at just 19 lbs. yet the rugged styrene stand up to years of use. Made in USA. (Express Model imported.) Not for use while driving.

M42 Non-Skid model has pull-out writing surface under the non-skid desktop. M133 Non-Skid with power inverter adds the convenience of 400 watts of 110-volt power and is all you need to power a laptop, printer, cell phone or DVD player. Includes ON/OFF switch with status light and fault light to confirm auto shut down. Comes with two 3-prong AC outlets and a 12V cigarette lighter adapter on a 45" cord.

M150 Non-skid File Master includes a hanging file section that faces the driver. M156 Non-Skid Express has a flip-down, non-skid desktop with trays for a cell phone and more plus an extra bin. This model is extra lightweight at just 10 lbs. and 20"w x 14"d x 10"h.



the good thing is, in the magazine, it says in red letters that this is not for use while driving. oh and who can forget the non-slip writing surface for all the notes i'll be taking...while NOT driving of course. naturally, a few things come to mind..

i guess i would like to know just when exactly the thing is to be used then? i mean it says its lightweight at 19LBS! 19LBS? i guess that is lightweight in terms of car offices, but not so much if you're supposed to carry all your junk into your actual office?? now thats some irony for ya, bringing your office to your office. thats like trying to get to get rid of your coffee breath by eating an onion.

you'll notice that it also comes equipped and ready to power everything you need in your passenger seat. it supports laptops, printer, cell phone, vacuum's, blenders, espresso machines, and dvd players...wait dvd players? saaaaay now thats sweet. one can only assume that to have a dvd player, a television must be present. i mean they just go together. like ponch and 'that other guy' from CHIPS. not quite sure where it would go, but as long as im not texting my wife sweet nothings while driving i guess it doesnt matter where the tv goes.

i really am having a hard time understanding just what the hell this thing is for, of course just who in the hell would pay over $600 for all this and which parts of it arent okay to do while driving? would i be allowed to file my documents while driving? can i surf the internet? can i type and print out my grocery list on the way to target? who knows, as long as i can still brew me up a mocha latte and vacuum at will. of course i hope so because the comfort of caffeine and pristine car floors will be the only comfort i'll feel because my passenger seat is occupied by my office and not a woman.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

nothing-ness

i used to like the show 'three's company' but not enough to explain my dream the other night. janet and i were parachuting from a plane??



speaking of unnecessary letters, who's idea was it to put letters in math problems?? i remember thinking 'i thought i was in math class not english!'



is it just me or are those prius commercials sick, creepy, and the opposite of enticing


yuck



i went to the vitamin store the other day, or should i say, vitamin shoppe?? shoppe? whats that all about?



there's a pretty good chance that i may be alone in this, but you ever notice how pretty much all girls names suit them even while they're children? in my opinion, there are some mens names that arent bad or silly, but they are hard to picture that same name belonging to a young child. basically, the name sounds like its just for adults. examples would be: barry, gary, chester, doug, earl, etc...



while blog surfing, i came across a post that somehow had me thinking about words with silent letters. ie knee, gnat, etc...just why on earth would someone plant silent letters in front of words? who decides which words get the silent treatment anyway?...ah well, i gotta grun now because i khave to go gpick the nkids up from kschool.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

field study

the other night, the mrs and i were looking to hang out spend some time together without the likes of messy peanut butter jelly sandwiches, jonas brothers cd's, lego's, and, well, pretty much parenting in general. we decided we would grab a quick bite then head to the movies. pf changs is ALWAYS busy but we hadnt had their lettuce wraps in a while so figured, what the hell, we'll call it in, pick it up and listen to music while we eat in the car. hey who says romance is dead ; )

a few wraps and a messy middle console later, we headed to peep the movie saw 26. i mean saw 66. well whatever the movie is where they've had a bunch of and i cant figure out how the old guy is still alive, thats the one we went to. at any rate, the movie was decent and the wife and i went through a bottle of wine and i had the peanut m&m's. please believe when i tell you nothing says stomach pain and the pink stuff like wine and m&m's.

as we sat in the theater planning our future movie going by critiquing ALL the previews we saw, i started to think...just what is it about the movie theater that makes it a good place to take a date?? i mean you cant even really converse. well unless you want to be a lame ass butt sniffer!**slight tangent alert** so what is it about the movies that turns regular people into regular asswipes?! i mean really, there is no need to laugh that loud or announce yourself when you walk into the theater and spot the group of flunkies your meeting. i hate THOSE people, but i digress...it seems to me the best that can come out a movie date, without risking a(nother) night in jail mind you(wink wink), is holding a young ladies hand or sharing a variety of artery clogging snacks ie a bucket of popcorn coughcholesterolcough.

so here's my plan, or should i say, research project. im going to get a sitter and the mrs' and i will venture out to borders book store or maybe barnes and noble if she's good. we will get chai tea and biscotti bars then sit side by side...and read. the same book of course. not even out loud. just sit, read, sip, crunch, read. we would even hold hands while we read our books, although that could get aggravating while trying to turn pages.

i wonder how this date would turn out. i personally think its a crock of poo, but supposing what people say is true, 'the book is always better', im sure we'd have a grand ol' time.

About Me

My photo
texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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