Thursday, January 28, 2010

for 2 reasons

i have two objectives in mind with this post:

1) first is to inform you guys and gals that i have joined a cult and have started another blog. the cult im speaking of is called 'oh, the urbanity' which was created by miss lora over at fever. if you dont know by just should. my blog is titled none other than, peanut butter plus jelly. as a member of the cult, you must post pictures from in and around your respective hometown. feel free to mosey on over and click to follow that page as well if you like. lemme know what you think.

2) THAT site wont have any random barbs about the staleness of ramen noodles or any other nonsense i can think of. those nuggets of foolishness are strictly relegated to THIS site. having said that, i was able to slip in one jab worthy of this pages tastes. in the profile section, you have the option to be asked a random question, and your answer to said question, posted there in your profile. they are all silly and random questions designed to add some humor or fun to your page. i was given the question 'create a tagline for a new line of plastic bedsheets'. first off, i gotta add that that ISNT EVEN A QUESTION, secondly heres exactly what i came up with for my profile to say. asked for it!... 'whether you urinate, perspirate, or ahem, replicate on them, we bet you cant stain or muck em up! guaranteed or your money and fluids back!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

no joke

while perusing the internet i somehow stumbled across these ACTUAL childrens book titles. i found them both horrific and hilarious.

well...alot more horrific than hilarious though.

out of all of these titles, dr. heinrich hoffmann's is the weirdest. i translated everything written on the platform thing for you. it reads 'i wear my green spandex outside my shoes but who cares, my hands look like rakes and my torso just looks odd. not to mention my hair is 3 feet high and 6 feet in diameter'.

i dont know why my kids have complaints of nightmares all the time.

hopefully your kids wont have the same complaints when you undoubtedly go and seek out these sweet books

Monday, January 25, 2010

bloody marys

viva las vegas

i love that damn town, but 3 days is about the max i can do out there. the past trip was a short one, but alot of fun. we were there for one day and it was a last minute trip. or should i say, 'rockstar trip' as its known among our circle. we call it that because we go for one day and usually dont even get a room. that was the plan this time but while there i got a hook up on a room so we stayed there all of 37 seconds. i timed it.

we had fun, drank, gambled, drank, drank, drank, and gambled. we did damn good on the tables and like i always say, it aint gambling when you win. i swear i said that before i heard it in the hangover. during one of our gambling breaks at 2am, we decided we would set out to find something to eat. my whole body is so jacked up from inordinate amounts of the opposite of sleeping, eating at various times of the day/night, drinking vodka and cranberry/redbull, occasional late and early coffee, and of course the very random bloody mary's i drank?? vegas is the only place i drink those bloody(hehe get it) things. anyway, while in the restaurant, we were sitting around drinking, eating, and talking when behind me i heard a splash on the ground like someone had spilled a large glass of liquid. i used to work in food service ages ago and whenever i heard 'that sound' i would always think 'damn that sux! someone has a bad spill on their hands.' so naturally that was my initial thought when i heard the all too familiar sound. as i turned to see the misfortune some waiter was going to have to clean, i quickly saw that it wasnt just a water, coke, or bloody mary. i turned to see some lady sitting at a table by herself throwing up. she would just sit there, lean over to throw up, resume eating, lean over again to barf, take a few more bites, then resume showing us all what she had eaten over the last 6 weeks. i think she had a bloody mary because her spew had a reddish tint. then again it could have very well been the lining of one of her organs because she was heaving quite ferociously. she must have been REALLY messed up because she heaved at least 6 times. oh and she kept eating after each bite. guess the must have been that good especially the second time around. vegas is by far THE BEST place to see some crazy shit happen right before your very eyes.

when the gambling was over and we had to get to the airport, the craziness was about to continue for me. i had a red eye out of vegas leaving at 820 and a connection in LAX. the flight from vegas to LA was thankfully short because i was apparently sitting next to a wildebeest posing as a person. oh my god, this dude had a pungent odor emanating from his skin AND clothes. i felt like i was going to end up like the restaurant barfing lady it was so bad and odoriferous. i was in the aisle seat and wolfman was in the middle. not only did he remind me of a dirty diaper that somehow fell behind the changing table and now 6 weeks have gone by and i decided to open it up for shits and giggles, but this dude snored soooo loud! i mean it didnt even sound real. i wanted to be like, 'okay guy. good one. you've got our whole section of the plane laughing at your faux snoring now wake up because its getting kind of you smell like a petsmart.' but for the rest of that thankfully short flight, gangrene man snored like he was in a 3 month hibernation. i guess if was to look on the bright side i could say that ive always wondered what i would smell like if i: worked in the yard for 2 hours at the hottest time of the day mainly handling fertilizer and mulch, left my tshirt buried in the mulch over night to 'marinate', put the shirt back on the following morning to wear to the gym, then went directly to play basketball for 2 hours, then went for a jog directly to the hospital where i helped deliver twin boys. oh and i forgot to put on deodorant...what? havent you wondered that as well?

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

new york city

first off, i cant say 'new york city' w/o saying it like that old hot sauce commercial when one of the cowboys exclaims 'this stuff was made york city!?!?'. as if to say that one of the most culturally diverse places in the world couldnt whip up a great hot sauce. but i digress.

hehe anyways, i was in new york city over the past weekend with the wife and kids in tow. we drove up with another couple and their kids and while there i realized at least two things:

1- i could not would not, live in new york. or new jersey for that matter but thats for totally different reasons. i couldnt live in new york because i simply cannot walk that much, the parking is ridiculous, and im not a jerk driver. i would not live in jersey because thats where jersey shore is based and i dont want any affiliations with that show or its cast.

2- i like taking pictures and if i could go to any five cities to mosey around snap at will i'd choose: new orleans, philly, chicago, somewhere out west and random like cheyenne, wyoming, and after the weekend i have to add new york to the list.

i did take some pictures but its hard to go off and get the right shots while keeping the kids safe from the locals stampeding about madison ave and new york cabbies.

we all made our way to the minskoff theatre to see the expensive...ahem i mean, exemplary play 'the lion king'. i knew my girls would dig it, but i was moderately worried my son would burp or pass gas at 'just the wrong time'. not that there is any good time for your child to break wind in public, but i just knew he would do it just as mufasa was dying or during some other sentimental moment like that.

but surprisingly he did well with it all. the only time he got restless was just before intermission but hell i was restless and ready for more wine. there was a bar in the lobby but to drink alcohol you had to drink it in the lobby or do as my wife and i did...drink it from one of the sippy cups they sold the kiddie drinks in. nothing says classy like drinking a nice merlot through a bendy straw.

before we got into the theatre, we were sitting down in the lobby eating candy and drinking wine when i noticed a guy in the corner doing push ups. he was in slacks and a button down so i figured he was part of the show and was trying to 'pump up'. when we took our seats, i saw this same fellow a few rows up sitting and ready for the start of the show. i thought, 'i guess he's going to get out during the middle as part of an audience participation type thing. kinda like they do in vegas shows.' well he sat there all the way to intermission. maybe he'll spring to action after that i thought. while out re-filling our sippy cups and taking my son to the bathroom to stretch his legs, we saw said guy in the same corner doing jumping jacks...yes jumping jacks. now i dont know what the hell to think. his brow was gaining sweat and he was still in his button down and slacks, but the likelihood of him being part of the show is, well, not likely. anyway, long story short, i guess he was some meathead guy who gets inspired by the lion king to pump up??

very weird.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

pudding pops

im 32 and 33 is just about around the corner. ive also been married for 11 of those 32 years. i dont why i felt that was a good precursor to what im about share, but i did so whatever.

the other night, my wife of 11 years and i were about 15 seconds into a hanky panky session. i was just about to 2nd base when my wife starts to chuckle a little. a bit perplexed, the following conversation took place...

well actually, what i was really wearing at the time may shed light on the matter...

me- are you kidding me? whats so funny?

her- i cant kiss you when your dressed like that

me- (looking down noticing what she's talking about) oh. are you serious??

her- (still laughing some) no no, its fine

me- uhhh okay??

--i go back in for another smooch only to be interrupted by more laughing. so now im getting frustrated

her- i cant make out with you like this. i feel like im making out with bill cosby!

me- its not even going to help now if i take the thing off will it?

her- hahaha i dont know?!?! its too funny now!

so now im beyond frustrated. im pretty mad. im madder than a centipede w/ restless leg syndrome or a giraffe with strep. my wife is sitting here laughing at me and my outfit and it wouldnt even help if i was to change now because she's already in that silly mood thanks to my fashion faux pas.

note to self, if you plan on doing the horizontal square dance with your woman, dont resemble mr huxtable or its off to the cold shower for you my friend. and on that same page, women you should avoid looking like one of the golden girls.

well maybe except blanche

Monday, January 11, 2010

while rummaging thru old pics...

the other night i was going through the waaaay overdue process of loading all my pictures back into my computer. my computer crashed some time ago while driving drunk(hehe get it) and consequently i lost tons of music and photos. thankfully i keep all my disks handy and readily available to load back up in a jiffy. and by handy i mean scattered all over the place.

anyway, while waiting for each disk to finish loading, i saw pictures i forgot i had. pictures i wish i didnt have. and pictures that made me realize how fast my kids are growing. my kids are now 10, 8, and 6. the boy will be 7 in march and for some reason i like referring to him as 'the boy'.

**tangent alert**

you ever notice how the terms 'son' and 'daughter' arent interchangeable like other terms we use for family members?? hehe lemme explain ; )

while walking out of my son's room after putting him to bed, he always says 'goodnite dad. i love you'. when my wife walks out of the girls room, they both say 'goodnite mom. i love you'. so of course when we're walking out we say 'goodnite son. i love you too'. but while walking out of our girls rooms, we cant say, 'goodnite daughter??'.

**tangent over**(and that totally sounded like one of those 'deep thoughts, by jack handy' saturday nite live skits! please tell me you remember jack handy!

anyway, my point??...oh yeah, here are some good pics of the kids and other stuff i came across...

this is from london last year in one of those backwards riding taxi's...

christmas 2007

my rearview mirror on any typical day

at a museum in pittsburg a few years back with the kids looking very 'charlie's angel-ish'

in the backyard in texas a few years back. why is my son all ripped up??

my wife looking all hot and what not ; )

my baby girl!!!

i forgot all about this pic. it was taken the same day as my profile pic. for whatever reason, self portraits are weird but fun

i swear this girl should be modeling for the gap

i swear this boy should be locked up ; )

happy jelly...oh come on like you wouldnt take a picture if you opened jelly and it was smiling at you

stucco church buildings look creepy to me

i look in my rear view mirror and see what appears to be a cloudy wave about to engulf a mountain

the double decker bus in downtown dallas...hehe just kidding, its from iraq

well this one actually is from iraq.

this really is one of my favorite pics ever. i was there in feb '09 and this was in a blackhawk traveling from kuwait to iraq. thankfully he didnt have to shoot that thing but he did stay ready like that for a majority of the trip! amazing

About Me

My photo
texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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