Tuesday, July 22, 2008

...and the ass-wipe of the year award goes to...(insert predictable drum roll here)

this jerk

if your not familiar with the guy, his name is michael suckballs, i mean, michael savage. he is the radio show host who made this statement:

Some parents of autistic children have called for Savage’s firing after he described autism as a racket last week. “In 99 percent of the cases, it’s a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out,” Savage said on his radio program last Wednesday.

Savage offered no apology in a message posted Monday on his Web site. He said greedy doctors and drug companies were creating a “national panic” by overdiagnosing autism, a mental disorder that inhibits a person’s ability to communicate.

On his radio show last week, he said: “What do you mean they scream and they’re silent? They don’t have a father around to tell them, ‘Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don’t sit there crying and screaming, you idiot.’”

folks im not making this up. this is shit that quite literally oozed out his pompous mouth. i find it ironic that he says, 'quit acting like a moron bc it will get you nowhere in life.' i see this as one of two things: either he is a putz his damn self and needs to straighten up. or this is just a lame ass attempt at exposure. or should i say he's basically crying and screaming like an idiot for attention. again, his comments are soaked in irony. he's been fired from another radio job for ridiculous comments. he once told a caller he should “get AIDS and die, you pig.” again, im not making this up. (frankly, i wish i was)

i do somewhat agree with the 'greedy doctors and drug companies' bit. there are soooooo many 'conditions', new conditions at that, out there that cost tons of money it will make your head spin! unfortunately, i would agree that there is a good amount of over diagnosing on a wide range of conditions, possibly autism. BUT, 99% is ridiculous and his methodology atrocious!

i am somewhat confused by his statements. at one point he says, and i quote, 'My comments about autism were meant to boldly awaken parents and children to the medical community's attempt to label too many children or adults as "autistic". and there's the rub. boldly awaken? really? well lemme tell you mr savage, nothing says 'boldly awaken' like calling someone's kid a screaming idiot! i get confused because he also alludes to drug companies shitty attempts to over diagnose patients. so just who are you attacking michael? is it the drug companies or the parents and kids? if its the former, then fine, call them greedy money hungry swindlers. if its the latter, then you are simply an ass-wipe that looks eerily similar to the dog your posing with...


michael suckballs, ahem, i mean, savage has just been fired from his radio program for sucking too bad. he came under fire when he uttered ignorant statements concerning the families who deal with it and recently added more 'suckness' to flames when he attacked those in wheelchairs, diabetics, AIDS patients, and probably most shocking/ironic, those with receding hairlines. michael had this to say about his dismissal and statements, 'it sucks that i was fired today for so sucking soooo badly. i just wanted to empower those in wheelchairs to quit being lazy and get their lazy asses up! to the diabetics, or should i say, the 'so called diabetics', to quit bitching about your sugar levels and eat a twix bar with a mountain dew already! to the AIDS patients of the world, please toughen up and read my book titled 'how to train yourself to realize AIDS is not real. you just have a REALLY bad cold and lesions on your face!' and lastly, to those losing their hair, stop pacifying yourself and realize that you are not losing your hair. you simply are not drinking enough papaya/kiwi juice. also they need to read my book, 'how to realize that male pattern baldness is an illusion of the mind. your head is just getting bigger and drink papaya/kiwi juice'

okay okay so i did make that part up, but can you blame me? but anyhow, he wins the not-so-coveted award for sucking so bad. it was an extremely close race. coming in second place was satan, and third was rounded out by simon cowell.

--rant over--

posters note: i like american idol and simon cowell i was just being silly...or was i? muah ha ha, muah ha ha

Monday, July 14, 2008

225/18/20=6 and 10...i discovered a 'formula' for a nice grass burn

as the title implies, i have a grass burn on my back. well actually, it was alot worse yesterday than it is now because of the freshness of it, but nonetheless, i figured out what NOT to do to prevent another one!

to better understand the numbers in the title, this is what they represent:

225- my weight
18- is how long the slip and slide was that i slid down with my kids watching
20- is how many feet back i was when i darted to the damned thing
6- is approximately how many feet i was launched as i reached the 18th foot of the slide!
and of course 10 represents how many minutes the kids laughed at me afterwards!

it all happened so fast. one minute i was hammering the stakes in and connecting the water hose and the next i was thrown helplessly into the air by a sinister device from the 'wham-o' people!

my kids are still in the 'daddy can do anything' stage (mainly because i tell them so) and naturally i often find myself trying to maintain their views of me. as is the case with this god forsaken slide! they all went first and started a little hesitant for my taste. i was like, 'no guys, yall need to take off running to REALLY slide and get the full effect! c'mon, watch how daddy does it.' my chest inflated with each step backwards i took and i then began my plunge into 'dorky dad-dom'.

as i first hit the soaked slide i thought, 'man this brings back memories. how nostalgic'
at the midway point i was like, 'hmmm, i wonder if i should have started a little closer. maybe in the 8-10 ft range.'
towards the end i thought, 'oh ssssssshhhhhhiiiiiiiitttttt!!'

note to self... got...to...get...a...longer...slip & slide!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

holy crazy signposts batman!!

sometimes i like to head out and just drive around taking pictures. while on a few of these trips ive come across a few signs i found odd.

i simply just have never seen this sign. consequently, i havent the slightest as to what it means! while approaching the sign, it looked like a surfboard from a distance. it took me a few trips past it to realize its some kind of vibrating ring. what really adds to the mystery is that this sign is posted before heading into a school zone going both directions, but the other sign doesnt have the mysterious ring around the person. anyway ive never seen the sign any where else.

c'mon. seriously?

...no really, seriously?

this one makes me laugh! it looks like its saying 'watch out for the mid-fielder who may be playing soccer in traffic'!

pretty sure its supposed to be some sort of 'watch for kids playing' sign, but the man on the sign appears to be at least in his 20's. not to mention his head isnt even connected to his body nor does he have hands and feet. one could probably get by with no hands, but i'd imagine it would be difficult to play soccer with a floating head and no feet to put cleats on. and considering he is feet-less, i think that maybe the 'wobbly ring' from the first sign is better suited to be around this soccer in traffic guy.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

5 simple rules? and marshmallows with wings

from the beginning of time, there have been numerous inventions or advancements that are both extremely beneficial and utterly pointless. those in the beneficial department would definitely include: telephones, cars, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the two piece bathing suit, the two piece from KFC, and of course whatever removes the pulp from orange juice. all simply world changing. while examples in the lame category would be: telephones/cellphones when owned by about 40% of all teenagers, cars when operated by about 85% of all teenagers, circus peanut candies, skim milk, or about 50% of what's in the sky mall magazine. for those who have never seen one, its one of the in-flight magazines on all planes. they also have a website you can visit, which i find a tad ironic.

anyway, i was thumbing trough this ode to nonsense on a recent flight and found a few gems...to clarify, by 'gems' i mean the kind that adorn kids toys or those found at piercing pagoda. here are just two of many that may need to be re-tooled. trust me, they are no peanut butter and jelly!

the first: 5 simple rules?

okay simple enough right? i imagine myself sitting on the couch with the embers of a warm fire crackling in the background while i deliver a poignant speech to my kids. i point to my 5 simple rules plaque and i say to them, 'kids, life is simple. ive learned 5 rules you need to live by. first of all you really need 'to live', sammy get your fingers out your nose! ahem, secondly, you need 'to learn' all you can. kids you need 'to laugh' often and maybe most important, you must 'love'. lastly guys, you need to...ahem 'to life'.

(here my smart ass daughters jump in)

kiera: uhh, dad, 'to life' is not a 'rule' per se.
jadyn: yeah seriously, what are you talking about?
me: well you know what i mean. its like the sum of the previous 4
jadyn: uhh okay?, buts that 4 rules dad. you said you had 5
sammy: can i have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
me: no sammy! not now!...and get your fingers out of your nose!
kiera: yeah dad you should have said you had 4 rules and their sum. did you pay money for that thing?
me: go to your room! all of you are grounded!

the second 'invention' that couldnt hold the two piece bathing suit's jock is this thing...

thats right it shoots marshmallows. the items description actually left me dumber:
This clever pump-action device shoots sweet, edible miniature marshmallows over 30', and it even has an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for pinpoint accuracy. The easy-to-refill magazine holds 20 marshmallows (or foam pellets, not included) for fast, nonstop action. Barrel and magazine are top rack dishwasher safe, and the back of the box includes a target for practice. Ages 6 and up

i thought i would re-write it for them:
this item comes in handy for those annoying s'mores you're trying to make that are, for some reason, up to 30' away. and while those pesky graham crackers stand just...out...of...arms..reach at least there's the beam you can aim at it. dont worry the beam wont harm your brother if you decide to pelt him with the pellets instead of marshmallows. there is also a tear away practice board you can use to hone your skills. so when you go outside and impress your friends with your accuracy, make sure the marshmallows dont land in an area where an animal has peed. for ages 6 and under because thats the maximum age who could possibly find this item worthwhile...for a couple hours anyway.

About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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