Friday, April 30, 2010

twister




its that time again and im especially glad that its 'that time' again seeing as how i missed last weeks soul purging. as ive said before, my confessions are mainly things i really do think about. things that consume my day and most, if not all, of my brain. so its for that reason i come to confessional and have this random diatribe posted for all to see. consequently, my wife is very appreciative of the glamazon for hosting this venue, because prior to the friday confessional, she played catcher to my nonsense baseballs and i guess one can only take so much ya know. even though im pretty sure she loves me 'long time', how many times can a person be expected to hear about things like: rear view mirrors and why things are NOT as they appear when you look in them. i mean dont we have enough technology to get that corrected? or how those snow cones with the crunched up ice arent worth a rip and the 'smooth' snow cones are the way to go. or how in the hell did the terrible show 'ALF' last longer than conan o'brien and who exactly was their target market? anyway, like i said, im almost positive she's able to look beyond these 'special qualities' of mine and give me unconditional love regardless of how many times i say that jawbreakers are easily in the top 5 of worst candies. ever. i mean who wants a ball in their mouth for that long(thats what she said) only to break your jaw afterwards??


ive decided to do something special this week because i missed last week. anyway, the friday confessional according to me in the 'thats what she said edition.'

i couldnt think of a 'thats what she said' line for all of them though.





1.) i recently mentioned that justin biebers was terrible. with this being the friday confessional and all, i would like to take this moment to issue an apology. so here it goes, ahem, 'hey justin, whats up bro? i saw you on saturday night live and i posted something about how your music was crap. well bud, i apologize....not that your music doesnt still suck, but ive found someone waaaaaay worse. her name is ke$ha. have you heard of her? well dont sweat it if you havent because her music is the quite literally the equivalent to grabbing all the silverware out the drawer and throwing it in the air. the ensuing bothersome sound is exactly what her music reminds me of. just noise. a bothersome and gross noise.'

--i would like to add that if your name is 'kimberly' there is a good chance you are a white female. if your name happens to be 'darnell', there is a reasonable chance you are a black male. if your name is 'ke$ha' then you are undoubtedly a horse shit 'singer'

--i would also like to add that this will be the last time i spell her name with a dollar sign or refer to her howling as singing or music.


2.) my wife and i are big into letting our kids 'find out' and 'be' who they are. we let them choose their own clothes for school each morning and even pick their own stuff when they receive cash or gift cards. i even allow my son to wear flip flops because he wanted to get a pair. (2 things to add here: i despise flip flops on men and i will say that i wasnt with him when he chose them but thats besides the point) okay so having said that, my son WILL NOT join the boy scouts. no offense to all those pro boy scouts, but i find it weird. i'll just teach my son how to tie a knot, roast marshmallows and throw spears at home. whatever i cant teach him about the outdoors probably isnt necessary because its 2010 and im pretty sure he wont be secluded in a forest without a lighter or cell phone.


3.) doors that need to be pushed to open but have handles infuriate me. its like having velcro and laces. why does pushing and pulling have to be so difficult (thats what she said)


4.) my wife and i love scary movies and actually have the hardest time (thats what she said) finding other couples who both enjoy a good scare flick. the new nightmare on elm street movie looks terrible and im sure the one who'll have trouble finding someone to watch it with is my wife, because she wants to see it and i dont. theres only one freddy krueger and thats joan rivers robert englund.


5.) i have a ridiculous sweet tooth and several cavities to prove it. i love most everything from skittles, starburst jelly beans, lucky charms(lets face it), twix, snickers, cake, pie, etc. i guess what im trying to say is that calling twinkies a dessert is offensive and if i was a peach cobbler i would be offended. just because something has cream in the middle (thats what she said) doesnt make it a dessert. its no different than just because someone is moving about the dance floor doesnt mean they are dancing.

6. speaking of moving about the dance floor, i cant quite figure out what watching kate gosselin move about the dance floor reminds me of exactly. i do have it down to at least two things though. its either: watching a lion tear through a bloody carcass or two people play twister while standing up....left foot blue dot, right elbow yellow dot, etc

7. speaking of, again, twister. calling it a board game is like calling spam food. it is literally impossible to play the game without it leading to sex. did you know the original title of the game isnt twister? its been through numerous name changes but the very first was called 'doggy style...well kinda'. then it was called 'why is your elbow on my balls?'. then it was called 'i dont know why your elbow is on my balls but i think we should have sex.' then they went with 'precursor to doing it.' of course there was 'technically we just had sex.' and the last name before settling on twister was 'dont tell your mom we just dry humped'.

8. i am astounded that yanni sold/sells cd's. thats pretty bold of him to go by one name. interesting name too, but i find it weird that he misspells his own name. then again, i guess 'yawn-i' would be too obvious. i think his name in hebrew means 'precursor to sleep'.


9. i'd love to see spencer or heidi pratt wearing one of those 'im with stupid shirts'. it would be so literal!

10. if i were an atheist, i would point to spiders and snakes as evidence there is no god. my reasoning would simply be that if there were an all knowing god, he would have been able to see that because of his creation, it would then spawn the creation of horseshit movies like '8 legged freaks' and 'snakes on a plane.'

20 comments:

Glamazon said...

hahahaha, bravo, as always. You are so stinking hilarious! I'm glad your wife is glad I have confessional :) Yes-jawbreaker, totally ridiculous. Kesha-oh my gosh, that girl makes me want to scream. In a 'I'm totally going to put a spork in my own eye if I have to listen to your music anymore.' And have you seen a picture of the girl? Baths and showers are your friend, my dear.

I think they put handles on the doors just to watch people pull on a door that you obviously have to push. Cuz gas station cashiers need to have entertainment, too.

Do you watch The Soup with Joel McHale? Tell me you do. You would love it.

Thanks for playing!

Linda Medrano said...

Oh Sammy, I liked "Snakes on a Plane" but then I'm weird and I know it... (said the Actress to the Bishop!). Shoot, now you've got me doing it (that's what she said!). Never mind. I'm no match for you! I love scary movies, but horror movies are just stupid. Alex loves them. I let him watch them with Smokey our back cat. (Yeah, we know Smokey is black don't we?)

Linda Medrano said...

And of course I meant to say "Smokey our black cat" not our "back cat" but it actually works either way!

Allyson & Jere said...

Oh for the love....that was hysterical. Thank goodness you're back, 'cause i needed that kind of a laugh today. Besides, this opens up my brain to what I could do for confessionals.

If you read mine today, you'll know that I don't listen to the radio, so I have not had the misfortune of hearing the kesha chick, but I have seen her and her retardedly spelled name. Really, isn't all pop these days pretty craptastic?

Goldstein Family said...

I love that you actually bit the bullet and put the Kimberley/Darnell convo on your blog! I was rolling with the Kesha/horseshit music comment! Oh, and I'm so glad Kate is off the show, walking zombie comes to mind as well.

Eternally Distracted said...

I will NEVER EVER think about Twister the same way again... I think I need a new 'board'!

Alix said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alix said...

OH GOD. I am mentally high-fiving you for the ke$ha comment and nodding in unison about her noise factor. They have decibel laws for that. And poor Justin... he's a child. A babe in swaddling. His voice isn't "bad" in a sixteen-year-old-babe-in-swaddling kind of way, but when mom's have posters of him pinned to their bedroom walls... well... that's just creepy. Why do we idolize people whose greatest accomplishment in life is getting a learner's permit? It boggles the mind.

More high-fives for passing the Boy-Scouts up. Men in khaki shorts, knee socks and scarves? I'm not judging, but....?

Laughed out loud at the Joan Rivers cross-out. Classic Sammy.

#5: But NO Jawbreakers. Got it.

More LOL's about Kate Gosselin. WHY is she still on television anywhere for any reason?

And finally... THANK YOU for all the subliminal "That's what she saids" They made my morning.

You're a hoot.

Brittney said...

Lol you make me laugh every time i read your posts!! I havent heard of Ke$ha, or maybe I have and changed the radio.. Idk.. lol

Small Town Girl said...

Isn't Ke$ha the one with the horrible song about brushing your teeth with a bottle of jack? I think she is. That's just wrong. How f'ed up would you have to be to do that? Really! Love that you confessed that you allow your son to wear flip flops. "if I was peach cobbler"...hahaha. Good stuff!

Mrs. D said...

I will not humor her by spelling her name w/a $ either. I hate gimmicky shit. And she IS awful. Her voice is sooo annoying.


Hey what about Lil Kim? Surely she is a Kimberly? HAHA.

I am w/you on the desserts. I feel that way about store bought cookie dough.

Wym said...

1. Ke$sha is a poor man's Lady Gaga but, I like running to her dribbly noise.

2. Don't hate the flippy floppys. They are very liberating for those of us having lived in the frozen north and now in the sweaty south.

3. truth.

4. I am speechless at what I see in the Nightmare trailers. It is sad.

5. THANK goodness the Easter season and caramel Cadburry eggs is over!

6. Her face is truly disturbing and sad when she dances.

7. yep

8. How the heck do you go from Twister to Yanni? Freakin A!

9. Why do we all know who Spencer Pratt is? <---frustration and anger

10. 'Snakes on a Plane' was genius.

Cheeseboy said...

Hey! So cool that you did find me. I have a very select few male blogger friends and I am always up for more, so again, very cool that you found my blog. Was it through Glamazon? I have two followers named Glamazon I think and I am always getting the two confused.

Anyway, so much I could comment about this post. Many funny things. First off, I believe ALF lasted so long because he ate cats and most people secretly HATE cats.

Secondly, my 4 year old is totally into wearing his own thing which right now is shorts and moon boots. I totally feel for you there.

Finally - "i'd love to see spencer or heidi pratt wearing one of those 'im with stupid shirts'. it would be so literal!" LOL!!!

Very pleased to follow you back.
Also - You have a great looking family. Is that weird for a guy to say crap like that? I've lost all touch with reality... I've been reading way too many mom blogs.

Cheeseboy said...

Couple other things from stalking your profile:

1. Go Red Raiders! My favorite of the Texas schools. (I am a Utah fan, FYI... So I hate TCU. Also, hate Texas, just because they are Texas)

2. I am very curious about "chemicals".

Salt said...

I am SO SO SO glad you stopped by my blog today. This post had me actually laughing out loud. Especially the part about Ke-dollarsign-ha's music sounding like a bunch of silverware being thrown around. I think that's the most accurate description I've ever heard.

My husband and I are HUGE scary movie fans also! He is going to take my brother to see the new Nightmare movie though because I just don't care. Robert Englund scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. Love him!

Did you know they are making a prequel to Silent Hill? I'm not sure when it's being released, but I will definitely go to the theater for that!

bananas. said...

a real man knows when to apologize...like to justin beiber for example. good boy sammy...good boy.

haha.

oh and men in flip flops...just wrong. your boy will learn...in due time. maybe around the same time your daughter will stop listening to miley cyrus.

haha.

k i'm done because your family really is adorable.

Tiffany said...

i used to play twister with my brothers all.the.time and i can assure you that we did not have sex. or dry hump.

i may have just vomited in my mouth a little though.

Lizzi said...

Hilarious!

Flip flops are nothing. Does your boy wear stilettos? No joke. Talk to me about that.

Anastasia said...

It drives me crazy when my 4 yr old wants to wear flip flops. Cause she hasn't figured out how to keep them on her feet! arg!

Both of them should wear I'm with stupid shirt. and heidi should also add, the one with the creepy flesh colored beard.

I've never heard the old names to twister, interesting history lesson. Should have stuck with "why is your elbow in my balls" I like it.

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About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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