Monday, July 12, 2010

run along

im proud of my son. he really has made some tremendous strides in this just his seventh year of life. to put it bluntly, just a short few months ago, he was a wild wild boy. a great kid for damn sure, but to say the least, he was wild and his wildness would often land him in hot water with:mom, dad, sister1, sister2, babysitter(s), our puppy, principal(s), girls in general, and lunch ladies.

as i said, he is 7 and already into girls too. he would have all these pictures of girls cut out from magazines and hide them under his pillow or do double takes when a pretty girl walked by and ask all these questions that made you wonder just what the hell your kids did after we went to bed. did they sneak out of bed and watch all kinds of "adult tv"? he's asked about girls boobs and butts and kissing and have i mentioned his age yet? he's 7.

i guess im partly to blame for that too. not that i leave adult movies and magazines lying around, thats what that 'one drawer' is for. i mean im partly to blame because he does have my blood and i guess i had a little somethin somethin to do with his brain construction, but even at the pinnacle of my youthful wildness, i was never as crazy as he once was. i was crazy...just not to the degree of my boy.

to ease my nerves, my wife would often point out that i turned out okay and for that reason we should think positive. she would point out that i used to get in trouble not only for looking under girls dresses, but also for stealing packs of bubble gum, throwing tater tots, peeing on top of the toilet seat(s) and of course putting sand in that one kids pork and beans (dont ask. they were his favorite). she said she bet watching me 'move about' as a youngster was like watching a hurricane. hell even those rare times where i would just sit and chill and sorta 'think to myself' was like watching a tidal wave. but watching me 'move about' nowadays was like watching a peaceful panda eat cotton candy and those rare times when i just sit and 'think to myself' is like looking at a still meadow with lilies and fire flies. with this rather humbling description in mind, i purposefully watched my son and tried to take notice of what i saw in him within the same contexts my wife offered to me...i swear all i saw while looking at him 'move about' was that it looked like i was watching a fourth of july firework display in a dragons mouth. and while watching him NEVER sit still and 'think to himself' was like watching an elementary school of fish flee a college of piranha.

but like i said, he's seemingly grown up from all that and is turning into a pleasant little fella. he's even getting along with his sisters alot better. its been a completely different story with my daughters though. they rarely get in trouble and rarely create moments where my wife and i think we'll be completely gray within 5 years.

i'd be lying if i said my wife and i werent moderately concerned that the boredom ensemble known as 'summer' would trigger a relapse from my son simply because he had more time to wreak havoc and create a stir. we've traveled only a little bit back to texas, so for the most part we try and keep busy around the house or just out and about around town. theres only so much dave n busters or chuck e cheese visiting before i want to pull my teeth out, so we try to spread those around wisely. we've already busted out the slip and slide complete with baby oil for that extra slippage...

**tangent alert** why does baby oil always seem sexual sounding? i mean all it does is make my wifes butt shiny and slappable and her breasts glisten like syrup on a warm plate and accentuate her curves and......oh.....thats why....**tangent over**

we've even gone as far as to make and throw water balloons at each other to help cool off from the blistering sun. but even that got to be aggravating because i would always end up having to play referee because one of the kids thought the other hit them too hard or whatever, plus they werent the best at making balloons on their own. one day our kitchen had so much water strewn across the wall and floors that it looked like an earthquake took a shower without the curtain.

luckily the thing they do the most is play out front. they play everything from basketball, baseball, kickball, draw stuff, and play tag. my wife found some chalk at target that is supposed to look 3D if you put on the special glasses so that kept them intrigued for a good couple hours. its been hotter than satans balls at a texas track meet lately so my wife busted out the tang on ice for them and the margaritas for us while they literally destroyed everything in sight played. they would come up to us every now and again to show us some squished bug or to get more tang. we enjoy seeing and receiving art pieces our kids have artistically created but that all came to a screeching halt a few days ago when my oldest daughter kiera scared the hell out of us when we stumbled across a chalk drawing of hers...





us (in unison)- KIERA!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?! HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS AND WHY ARE YOU DRAWING IT?!
kiera- what do you mean? whats wrong with drawing it??
wife- sweetie you are entirely too young to be drawing this kind of stuff. how do you know about it?
kiera- well when will i be old enough??
me- NEVER!
wife- hush sammy...well sweetie, there isnt an exact age or anything, but trust us, you are too young for this now. how do you know about this?
kiera- well mr. flint our health teacher always points it at us when we talk in class when we arent supposed to be.
me- I'LL KILL HIM!!
kiera- for what?? alot of teachers point their fingers at us kids.
me- I DONT CARE WHO....wait what did you say?
kiera- i said! alot of teachers point their fingers at us when we talk too much in class.
me-..........
wife-....so thats a finger you drew??
kiera- uhhh yes?? what'd you think it was??
wife- nothing! just run along and play



we both almost fainted. we expect that kind of stuff from our son, NOT our angelic daughters. we sat back down in our chairs and sipped more of our margaritas. by the time we had finished them, our middle daughter jadyn comes up to us and makes us both feel like we had 10 margaritas instead of the two we really had. she wanted to show us what she had drawn...












jadyn- dad look!...thats me and you!
me-.........
jadyn- dad? dont you like my drawing?
me-...yes sweetie. of course i do....what is it?
jadyn- its a plane commanded by peter shaft and he's flying to the rear of forest because he's sneaky.
me-........
wife- we i like it jadyn. dont you sammy??
me- umm yeah. its great and really creative and there's no more cable or rock&roll for you
jadyn- what?? why??
wife- oh nothing sweetheart. daddy's just playing, now you run along and play.






i couldnt believe what i had seen. my wife could see childlike honesty in this picture, but i only saw the dangers of cable tv and rock&roll. i hadnt shook off the terror from the last two drawings i had seen when i heard my son say...

"dad! look what i drawed!"



based on what i had just seen, my heart was in my shoes.


i was pleasantly surprised when i looked down to see this...








me- hey thats awesome son! did you trace it or draw it?
boy- i drawed it all on my own
me- awesome son! i didnt realize you could draw that well.
boy- yup
me-.........
boy- do you know what it is?
me- uhh yes of course. its two kitties
boy- do you know what they're doing?
me- i guess playing
boy-.....
me-.......
boy- dad?
me-....yeah son
boy- whats 69 mean?
me-......(shit)....run along and play

Friday, July 2, 2010

unibrows are the new unicorns

can you smell it?

if you inhale long enough, you'll soon find this post to smell like coconuts and exotic-ness. my wife and i are currently vacationing in the turks and caicos to celebrate our 12 year anniversary. our anniversary is actually in august, but august gets extremely busy for me so we decided to take our trip now rather than not take one at all.

can you smell it?


this is easily the most relaxing and quiet place ive seen or heard of. i'll post a few of the pics i snapped when i get back stateside, but trust when i say, s-e-r-e-n-i-t-y was at a premium. im not even one for the ocean by any means, but i still had a great time.


the locals were really laid back and friendly. while taking the 30 minute drive into town one day, our driver served as a tour guide of sorts and was telling us a bunch of little known facts about the island. he surprised us when he mentioned that soccer wasnt as popular as we thought it would be. he showed us where the hottest spots were during spring break and new years and how the beaches will be flooded with people.

'flooded' is like the exact opposite of what my wife and i experienced at our area. as i said, we are located about 30 minutes from 'civilization' and quiet reigns supreme......well until the european soccer fans show up....

while my wife and i were absolutely chill-axin by the infinity pool sipping pina colada's, out come the slimy speedos and offensive body hair, talking and laughing like we're...well, like we're 30 minutes from here. it wasnt necessarily all that loud, but based on the scene, they were sticking out like a peg leg pirate in a bmx competition.

they're laugh basically echoed off the ocean it was so loud and the 3 other couples there also noticed. the other couples were also american, so i assume they didnt care much for the soccer match either. definitely couldnt say that about the 6 cheering and jeering europeans we saw galavanting around poolside.

as they continued to delve into obnoxious level laughter, i causally turn to my wife and say, 'oh shit. thats an effing unibrow!' you would have thought i had seen a unicorn the way i stared and stared. i did use my cloak and dagger like glasses to hide my amazement, but i couldnt help but get a second and third look. when you think about it, unibrows arent all that common, so when you do see one, you're instantly like 'oh shit. thats an effing unibrow!'. this was a good one too. it was so bushy that edward scissorhands needed to be called in for a trim. it was also exactly straight and parallel to his eyes. i mean this thing was straighter than a cobra on viagra.

the loud cheering only lasted a short time. we ended up chatting with them and finding out they were from italy. i of course kept my glasses on the entire time and tried like hell to not stare at the one guy's 'middle brow'. we all were starving from the extensive swimming we had just done. thankfully we only had a short wait while the buffet was setup.

when my wife and i sat down, we could hear our soccer friends in the other part of the restaurant, roaring with laughter again. i cracked up yet again, because my wife sarcastically said to me, 'i wonder if your 'unicorn' is having a good time.'

Saturday, June 26, 2010

eloquent tokens

hey sorry for the delay, but ive been busy doing alot of amazing things the last few days. i mean i dont mean to brag but im literally the sweetest person i know. ive been donating my precious time to some precious causes. its been tough because im already an amazing father and outstanding husband and that zaps alot of my time. they were fortunate i was fortunate enough to be able to speak at a few very distinguished events within the community and...what can i say, they were lucky i was lucky to be free chosen. just to name a few of the places ive been the last few days: i went to a gala
for "teaching heidi pratt basic math skills foundation" and it was really great. i also shook hands at a lovely dinner party for the "council of teaching domino's pizza how to use tomato sauce that doesnt taste like butt and feet." that was an amazing dinner. then there was the smaller mixer benefitting the "loose stools. again" committee which was put on by taco bell. now this wasnt as big an event as, say, the "can you say loserville" put on by the folks at skinny jeans, but what gave the taco bell mixer a stronger impact was ceo Kevin O.PECTATE gave a moving yet lengthy talk and, long story short, there wasnt a dry eye in the building.

so, as i said before, if that doesnt say sweetness, i dont know what does. not only do i think so, my friends linda and small town girl also apparently think so. apparently. they both bestowed the same award on my stoic shoulders. as with all awards they come with rules that you are supposed to follow with the emphasis on 'supposed'. i do what my wife tells meever i want so im going to bend them a bit. the rules state that i must state 7 things that ive mastered, but being the vigilante that i am, im going to make a different list. what you are about to read is not a list of 7 things ive mastered, because ive only mastered one thing and that one thing is randomness. thats right, sometimes i make shit up. so im listing 7 examples of my mastery of randomocity....well actually the beginning was pretty silly too so...whatever. anyway be forewarned, this could get ugly.....




1) Speaking of forewarned. You ever wonder what the difference is between the words 'warn' and 'forewarn'? Well I did, so I looked them up. it said forewarned meant to warn in advance?? so how is that different from just a regular warning? arent all warnings beforehand? i mean if I was about to punch someone in the lip and warned them after the fact, that wouldn't be a warning would it? That would be more like a reminder.

2) Is it just me or does m&m's have too many options now. They have recently come out with a pretzel filled m&m. How silly is that? It should just be plain or peanut with a possible special edition candy. I mean that's not even an m&m anymore. next thing you know they'll have an m&m filled with beef jerky. then after the beef jerky they'll surely come out with the m&m thats actually a skittle. and naturally after that, the m&m filled with salad dressing will line our shelves and thats just disgusting.

3) Have you seen? the smurfs are getting redone. They're supposed to be more up to date or current looking. I don't know about all that, but I do know thinking of the smurfs always makes me think at least 3 things: 1) when the smurfs sing "the blues", do they call it the "me's"? 2) for the longest i was convinced that it was only acceptable to fart in public if you were very young or very old. Well at least that's what the lady at bed bath and beyond told me. just recently ive decided to add 'being a smurf' to this list simply because the male to female ratio is overwhelmingly in favor of the alpha smurf. so basically for the male smurfs, 99% of their day is spent amongst other male smurfs and that equals, well....fart away. 3) and consequently, no matter how little smurfette dates, she will always be considered the town whore.

4. So I assume I'm not alone in my thinking that there are about 3 too many settings on most toasters. I mean every time I somehow manage to burn my toast, I immediately think "shit." I'm absolutely not thinking "shit...I wish there was a setting for it."

5. So if a unitard is a single and completely irrelevant article of clothing, a unicycle is a single wheel used mainly by clowns or other circus performers, and unibrow is a single and ridiculous strip of hair across the eyes, then why does unisex mean its for anyone and not a single sex? I mean its for men AND women. and unibrow offenders alike. Wouldn't that make it at least bisexual? Its pretty confusing actually, but I at least know the terror we all know as skinny jeans are bi-curious.

6. I've said before that if I were an atheist, I would point to snakes and spiders as evidence there is no god, because he had to have foreseen that crap movies like snakes on a plane and 8 legged freaks would find their way to our movie theaters and what kind of loving god would do that to us? I'd also like to add another ammo shell to the atheist arsenal...parrots. Yes parrots. More specifically, I'm referring to parrots that talk. Now there are at least, what, a bazillion different types of animals. And its out of this vast array of animals that I find it odd that parrots got the speaking voice. I mean parrots?! Really? They just seem like they would have the worst and most horrible speaking voice. And lo and behold they do. it really is terrible and aggravating. Its like even more annoying than the racket produced by a centipede on a 1000 crutches. and now that i think about it, I bet the rhinoceros would have the coolest voice. I bet it'd sound like a mixture of barry white and optimus prime while smoking a cigar.

7. so i was at chuck e cheese the other day and as usual, i couldnt have got out of there any sooner than i finally did. every time i leave that wretched establishment my ears are always ringing like 6 bees landed in my ear. chuck e cheese is a pretty cool place despite the loudness and the having to dodge an occassional abomination kid that is severely underwatched by his parents. not to mention that its one of few places that carry mellow yello on tap. after we found a crumb ridden booth to sit, i just sat back and people watched for a good 15 minutes. as i scanned the room, i saw what looked to be an 8 year old birthday party. i then saw another birthday party a few tables over but this kid was a little older. i then noticed all the balloons and bags said happy 13 birthday...happy 13?! isnt 13 a little too old for a chuck e cheese party? i mean isnt that a silly way to usher in your teenage years?? i just cant see celebrating my 13th with creepy human sized puppets and 8 year old humans. then again i did see this same kid literally skipping around from game to game. i feel pretty confident in saying that 13 is definitely a little too old for skipping to be acceptable. i have a 10 year old daughter and she doesnt even skip much. although she has always come across as more mature than her age because she carries herself so eloquently. but then again she does tend to argue with her brother and sister over who got more tokens. chuck e cheese will do that to a person. it will make you want to party with puppets. it will inspire you to skip, even though you're past the skipping age limit. and with all the video games present, you will possibly act less eloquently when shiny tokens are present.



thank you again miss linda and small town girl. you gals are amazing and i get butterflies in my tummy whenever i see you guys have commented on something ive wrote. please, visit them now and visit them often.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

ADD

lets go!


now ive said before, countless times actually, in real life and blog city, that im terrible at math. now thats not to say that i cant add and subtract and all that simple kind of stuff. but i do in fact still hate it. i mean i hate it more than joan rivers must have hated not looking waxy.

especially in regards to school and that you have to be able to do it to graduate. i mean past adding and subtracting, its all pretty much null and void right?

i mean i dont remember the last time i used algebra, but i do remember the last time i added my change up when i paid with a 100 dollar bill. thats alot of change and you wanna make sure you get all your change right? i mean its not everyday you get to pay with a 100 dollar bill. the only reason i had one was because i finally won one of those scratch off lotto tickets from the gas station down the street.

i had tons of change because most of my winnings was spent on gas, candy and a few more tickets.

after i took my sack of goodies and correctly added change, i handed the bag to my wife so she could disperse of the treats to the wolves kids and what not. while rifling through the plastic sack desperately, she daintily looked up at me and said, "you didnt get me a blow pop?"

i demeaningly looked at her and said, "yes i did. i got one for everybody. cant you add?"

she confidently looked back in the sack and said, "oh. i see it now. besides. that wouldnt mean i couldnt add it would just mean i couldnt find my blow pop..." which is true i must say. i also gotta admit that, if i thought i wasnt getting a blow pop, i'd be dainty too. blow pops are that great. i mean its candy and gum. who doesnt love that?

well there is that whole bad for your teeth thing and all. i mean it is candy and gum? there hasnt been a more formidable tandem of mayhem since that vicious bobby brown and crack thing. but make no mistake, blow pops are awesome. and speaking of mayhem, you wanna know what isnt awesome?...good & plenty.

have you ever tried them? well if you havent, just trust what i tell you when i say its the worst 'candy' ever to sit and collect space and take up dust. ew. i think a more fitting name would be bad and scarce. i mean calling it good & plenty is more confusing than the lone ranger fiasco. if you think about it, the lone ranger has a partner? thats right. the lone ranger has a partner?? whats that all about? at first we're all like, 'hey check out this new badass. he's so badass he doesnt even need a partner. he's lone.'

but then we're like, 'hey what the hell? why does the lone ranger have a partner?'..(kisses teeth) lone ranger. more like the tandem ranger. talk about not being able to add. how is even possible to mess up that counting? its either one/lone or two/tandem. ranger. it cant be a mix of the two. i mean one??...wait. whatever?? what was i saying again? oh yeah, i hate math with a passion of the christ, but then again i am a bit ADD.

Monday, June 14, 2010

picking wise





it was friday evening. it was after school and after homework and a hearty meal. i gathered the kids together on the couch to share what i had spent the last few weeks writing. i wanted this to be special or hopefully impact their lives for the better for many years to come. i wanted everything to be just right so i let the sizzle and crackle of the fireplace be the only noise in the room so they could focus and meditate on what i was about to speak. as they all sipped their hot cocoa and finished their crumpets, i turned off the tv to signify that i was about to go socrates on them.

on the chair next to me, i had set up what i was going use as my visual aid covered by a patterned blanket. at just the right moment, i began my speech.....



"ya know kids, ive been around and know quite a bit about how life works. i mean, kiera, when you were born i was 22 years old, in college, and working. i was all but forced to mature rather quickly and i hate to brag, but after 3 kids, i find myself to be a wise man. anyway, i saw this and knew i had to have it because it speaks the wisdom and knowledge that i desperately want to teach you 3."


it was going great. i unveiled my woodly wisdom which i found online. it was titled '5 simple rules' and when i saw it, i ordered it and immediately began to plan this moment. these 5 simple rules would usher my kids into an understanding of life that would never fail them. i hadnt quite got around to writing out all my words for the last two points, but i figured i would just let the momentum from the previous 3 propel me into my conclusion.

i continued...


"guys. its really simple. first off live everyday like its your last. dont take anything for granted and.....sammy, please take your fingers out of your nose when im talking to you. thats very rude, okay, and not to mention distracting. im trying to share somethings right now that are very important and i need your full attention. not half of it."


my son is the youngest and easily the most rambunctious of the lot.


"hehe half of it?? how would you even measure that?" said my oldest and wisest ass of the three.

"you know what i mean. just pay attention is what im trying to get at....jadyn are you snoring?"

"but dad this is so boring and im already sleepy from the cocoa. are you almost done or what?"


my middle is just that. THAT middle child and always speaks her mind even if its borderline rude.


"okay guys! listen, ive spent alot of time trying to get this just right, can you just give me a moment of your time? i mean the next thing i wanted to talk about fits perfectly. you have got to learn all you can. whether it be in school or 'on the streets', you have got to learn all you can. learn from your mistakes. learn when to speak up and when to keep quiet...like now. you can never learn too much and...kiera? do you have to practice gymnastics right now?"

"im just working on my routine dad."

"NOW?"

"well why not?"

"oh i dont know, maybe because i asked you guys to sit down and listen to my simple rules speech! ya know what, im going to try and not even get angry, because my next point speaks on the importance of laughter. a wise man once said, 'laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. guys you gotta learn to laugh"

"dad"

"yeah sammy"

"i laughed today and it really was good"


finally someone was listening



"see! thank you for that my one and only son! what were you able to laugh at and how did it affect your young life? wanna talk about it?"

"today in school. my teacher sat in her seat funny and it made a fart noise. we all laughed."

"uhhh, first off take your fingers out of your nose. secondly, thats not what i was getting at."

"what do you mean?"

"i mean, when i say laugh, i mean...jadyn? really? are you juggling?"

"no not any more."

"yeah not now that i said something you arent! please, just sit down so i can go on to the next one!"

"dad?"

"WHAT SAMMY?!"

"whats gravity?"

"gravity? why?"

"i heard it at school."

"okay maybe another time sammy."

"dad?"

"......yes sammy"

"why are butterfingers so crumbly?"

"...cmon. are you serious right now? why are your fingers always in your nose? i dont get that."



it was not going as i planned. i had 4 pages of hard hitting life lessons and they werent listening. they were more side-tracked than the village people at an all male mud wrestling event. i went through the first 3 with little to zero success and was scrambling. i had no momentum and little prepared on the last two points, "love" and "life". i continued my plight through "love" and had to endure the onslaught of more random questions. my son asked about bassoons, my middle asked why quicksand was pretty slow, and my oldest asked why jumbo shrimp were still rather small. this wasnt looking good. i perked up for my last hurrah and decided to give it my all.



"kids. look i know you havent heard a single word ive said, but please just gimme 5 minutes to make my last point. okay?"

"sure dad." they all said in unison.

"okay. the last simple rule is...life?? wait hold on a sec..."

"umm dad?"

"not now kiera."

"but dad! to 'life' technically isnt a rule per se."

"well...i know. but its like its the sum of the previous 4."

"okay?? but whats the name of that thing?"

"its called 'the 5 simple rules' why?"

"well because you like gathered us here making us sit down and stuff saying something about 5 rules or whatever but you should have been saying 'i have 4 rules and their sum.' did you pay for that thing??"

"ahem...first of all, you are grounded. second of all, yes i paid for it. i got it out of the skymall. and third of all, sammy get your fingers out of your nose!"

Friday, June 11, 2010

kung fu-y




i feel like ive been missing my 'medicine' by not confessing as i have in the past. i feel like things are 'not right' when i dont get my weekly confessional in. well all thats about to change because im about to spew. as an added bonus, i will reveal where i lied or told the truth regarding my post a few days ago. anyway, without further ado, my confessions according to me hosted by the oh so pretty glamazon. please stop by her page and join the confessional posse. this one is a little late but like i said, i need my meds like an anteater needs 6 bounty rolls when he gets a bloody nose. anyway, here goes something...


1.) i could eat biscuits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner



2.) i like sweater vests. (believe it or not that is NOT the confession part) i like them over something like a button down or polo or even a white tshirt depending on the sweater. (cue the confessional music) i DO NOT, however, trust men who wear sweater vests with no shirt underneath....dont ask. just trust me on this one.



3.) i used to eat chinese food from those mall chinese food places like 'the panda bear'. im just saying, those places just seem so overwhelmingly disgusting to me now. i think they use real panda in their lo-mein. seriously they put the "e" in "e-coli" and the "shit" in "shiitake"....


3.5) this one is #3.5 because i confess that i wanted to go on about how 'shiitake' kinda looks like the words 'shit' and 'take' were scrunched together and how that it fits perfect in the given context.




4.) i confess that i had this text convo with my brother the other night. for the record, he's pretty damn random himself and SHOULD be blogging as well and our text convo's are epic...

my brother- hey do you think gwen stefani is pretty?

me- yeah she's okay

my brother- yeah me too. what the hell is a holla back girl anyway?...

me- i dont know but its bananas...B-A-N-A-N-A-S




5.) i confess that i like poetry. well some of it anyway. i mean would have pursued it more in high school if i wasnt so low self esteem-y and thought everyone one would make fun of me because they said i liked fagg-y things. haikus were my favorite. they're short. they're witty. they're intense. all this plus the name sounds so kung fu-y.



6.) the other morning i said to my wife, 'uhhh, why is there glitter in my shoes?'...pretty sure that if you've also said this before, you either have kids with school projects or an 'alternate lifestyle'.



7.) i used to work at sea world of texas in san antonio. the job was pretty cool i suppose, but it did have its annoying bits too. what with all the rules about not jumping in with the dolphins stuff?? i mean whats that all about? but easily most annoying was when the people i worked with would come to their job ON THEIR DAY OFF! these same people would be bitching about work and the restaurant when they were there, but as soon as they had a day off, they would come to the park and annoy the people working. i still see it today though. people come in and think its the coolest thing when in actuality...its not. at all. and its annoying. its more annoying than mr and mrs pac-man on speed.


8.) im pretty sure ive worn the pair of jeans i wore today for too many consecutive days. i dont know what the 'shelf life' is for jeans, but im pretty sure i passed it recently. i mean if they were an apple or milk they'd be all lumpy and mushy.


9.) i read magazines starting from the back


10.) i hate people reading what i write BEFORE im done. seriously my wife and i split up for 6 weeks because she once glanced over my shoulder while i was typing.


11.) i google things. my most recent trip to googledom was this: 10 fun things to do in wyoming. i wasnt impressed and im almost positive i wont be going. this is what came back:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7. not get eaten by the children of the corn
8. visit the cardboard box plant
9. skipping downtown
10. meet the inventor of the word boring




wow now that was some soul bearing/clearing stuff, but now its time for the not so big reveal. in the post, i listed 7 things and you were supposed to figure out if i listed 6 truths and a lie ~or~ 6 lies and one truth. well most of you did guess that i listed 6 truths and lie, but only one person got the lie right. ironically it was the glamazon who guessed right. this is what i listed:

1. i would sell my liver to be a jedi knight for a year.
2. i have a faint scar on my lower back that i received while showing off for my son and his friends in a bounce house.
3. in the 8th grade, i was in a gang for 2 weeks.
4. i have a tad bit of social anxiety.
5. if betty white was 60 years younger or i was 100 years older, we would be dating.
6. im terrible at math.
7. i once won a dancing contest


1. hell yeah i would!
2. actually true and it hurt like hell too.
3. nope never in a gang although my friends and i did come close. too tough for our own good i guess
4. actually true, but i manage okay most of the time
5. also true. somehow??
6. see #5
7. yeah buddy! im a beast! i did a salsa/hip hop thing. still trying to get my man card back too ; )


so the lie was being in a gang but like i said, my friends and i almost entered one for some apparent reason and im guessing the reason was because i was either: trying to offset the fact that i liked poetry or that i was looking for an outlet for my kung-fu

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

dude

you know how they say oil and water dont go together? or whitney houston and bobby brown? or chinese food and breakfast? or lindsay lohan and rationalism? well ive got a similar situation going on in my life too. truth is its been going on for as long as i can remember. the fact that i like to stay up late at nite AND that i love sleep in truly is a pairing made in satan's armpit. i mean there is minimal good that can come out of repeatedly leaning on the snooze bar every morning all the while staying up late channel surfing or surfing the web even. my mornings are doomed and i, not to mention, often wake up more frustrated than heidi montag looking at this math problem "9+4=__ ..show your work".

again there is very minimal good that comes out of my channel surfing binges. the funny thing is i rarely even watch a full show. i just sorta go from channel to channel, stopping only when my eye catches something. the other funny thing is that i mostly watch the infomercials and make fun of em or i watch the commercials and i make fun of them too. the laughter tends to keep me up longer into the night though. ive tried counting sheep and even numbering bottles of beer on the wall, but by 23 bottles of beer or 11 sheep im like, 'dude...shut up already.' when counting gets too tedious and aggravating i sometimes try ambien, a prescription level sleeping pill. what is funny about this that sometimes the ambien makes the commercials/infomercials even more hilarious because it really makes you loopy if you try and stay awake. actually i try not to take most sleeping aids because i always feel so groggy in the morning. but i did hear melatonin is great for help in sleeping and you can get it without a prescription so i decided i'd give it a try. so the other day i went to 'rite-aid' looking for the 'right aid' hoping they'd have some i could try. if they didnt, my 'right aid' would have to involve a trip to the liquor store. its raining outside and the thunder is crashing like earthquakes. maybe the rain will help me rest up and im sure turning off the tv would help but its just too enticing.

when i was flipping through the channels, i stopped at this one guy doing one of those 'motivational talks'/cd's/seminars. you know the type. similar to a tony robbins. i forget what the guys name was but he at least looked like he could motivate. i mean he walked and talked like he invented the word motivation. he would stand there and talk about god knows what, but he did it so proudly looking. like a statuesque elk in the appalachian mountains. on the other hand, jillian michaels from 'biggest loser' and 'that new show' show she's on doesnt seem the motivating type for some reason. or maybe its not that she isnt a good motivator, but that the idea of the show is so ridiculous to me. she seems to be more on the side of trying to deliver some poignant speech than offer dieting tips. its like all i can see when they show her and she's supposed to be delivering some encouraging and heartfelt spiel about 'doing better', is how many times the director had to yell 'CUT' to get the speech just right. thats why i hate reality tv shows. they are so NOT reality. give me the elk dude any day.


the tv also informed me of all the new cleaning scents they have for floor cleaners and what not. strangely enough, whenever i think of floor cleaners im instantly beamed back to the days of my childhood and how my brother and i would always spend the night at our friend richard's house. we had the best sleepovers over there. we would play video games, eat cookies and pizza until we passed out from the grease and sugar rush. in light of all the fun we had, i most remember going over there and smelling the overwhelmingly strong pine sol she had just used to douse the floors with. richard's mom was great because she was the type that felt if she was having company, she had to have everything perfect. even if her guests were 12 year old dudes that most likely wouldnt even notice until much later and when one of them was writing a blog about it. so we'd get tons of sweets even though, in return, we would most likely spill on her freshly cleaned floors or drop slimy pizza slices face down on her carpet. i swear she had a pine sol iv coursing through her floors. they smelled incredibly strong but its like she mixed regular smell good products with the pine sol, because her kitchen always smelled like pine cones dipped in honey and, again, those damn floors were clean as a whistle! they were squeaky clean! they were squeakier than virgin mouse.


i always look at products they sell now in regards to mouth cleanliness and think things like, 'dude. we have toothbrushes with grips on them, ions in our toothpaste, and vanilla flavored mouth wash??' i mean, how vigorously do people brush their teeth that they need a comfort a grip? its just all so crazy to me. appreciative of course, but still crazy nonetheless. i remember a teacher i had in middle school that would have definitely benefitted from the technological advances because apparently they werent around at the time or she hadnt heard. when i say her teeth and breath needed some work, trust me, it was really bad. i mean i wish i had taken the apple for your teacher thing literally because i would have stopped everyday and picked up an apple if it meant me not having to endure her outdoorsy breath. it smelled like a pet store and im almost positive she brushed her teeth with sugary icing. i really wish some of those ions would have invaded her mouth and teeth so i wouldnt have been so fearful of asking questions and risk her approaching my desk and watering my eyes. i did make that mistake a few times and am positive she's the reason im terrible at math. every time i would submit and ask a question, i would nearly die of the anticipation that she would feel the need to come to my desk. each time i would ask the question, my eyes would be wider than a paranoid owl and within minutes i would either be breathing a sigh of relief because she answered while sitting at her desk, or i would be in the nurses office asking for a cold towel for my forehead and toothbrush so i could rid my mouth of the taste of vomit. damn...now we both need vanilla mouthwash.


my wife and i dont exactly have a 'green thumb'. i mean the closest we get is when we brave my sons laundry basket without gloves. there are tons of things sold that are supposed to help you get a nice yard if you so desire. we dont, but if thats your thing, there are TONS of things you can put on your grass to get rid of weeds and crabgrass. there was this guy in our neighborhood that would always yell at us for playing in or even near his yard. he was always afraid we'd kick a ball in his petunias, trample through his manicured grass, or our dogs would defecate or hump too much in his yard. we would all be like 'dude. relax already. is it really that serious?'. whenever we'd be near his house, i'd undoubtedly think at least three things: 1) your yard is my dogs bathroom. get over it. 2) your yard is like a doggie motel or something because all the neighborhood dogs seem to go there to hump.....3) dont ALL animals technically 'do it' doggystyle? if so, why exactly did dogs get the credit?


oh well, as the rain continues so does my channel hopping. hopefully i'll doze off before that off air programming starts annoyingly buzzing. channel surfing? who started calling it that anyway? its really an odd term when you think about it. i mean did the surfers invent the term? my best guess is that one night some surfer guy was up late talking a friend and said, 'dude. you know how we pound waves and crash through the water almost daily? well thats what it feels like im doing to the channels right now.'




ps- im doing the big reveal to my previous post on friday as part of my friday confessional. if you havent guessed which i listed, please read my last post and see if you can figure out what told yall.

Monday, June 7, 2010

100 years








whew. has it been a week already? that is entirely too long to deprive you guys of me and i know you've been waiting in anticipation of my next post. right? well maybe not, but i know of at least two people that still think im okay. in fact, they think im so okay that they awarded me with awards. now i know some dont dig the awards, which is cool, but i do. especially when cool bloggers are the bestow-ers. i was given the plastic joy award by the glamma glamma glamazon mormon mom and the creative writer award by the small town girl with big time coolness

i first found the glamazon via the friday confessional she hosts every friday. its been therapeutic. its been awesome. its even been a marriage enhancer. my wife no longer has to hear as much of the nonsense i have floating around my skull. now, she can just read it if she chooses, things are kosher, and i have the glamazon to thank. when you visit her page, tell her i sent you and you will instantly receive a prize...

the details of this award are quite......ahem......different. you are supposed to name 5 celebrities you would like to make 'whoopy' with and then pass the award on to 5 others. when i first read the details of the award i was like wait, make whoopy with?? what year is this and i thought her title said 'mormon' in it? 'cool'. but then my dissenting side surfaced. now overall, im a pretty good guy. i mean just ask me or anyone else i direct you to ask. well im not like buddhist boy scout nice, but generally speaking, im a stand up guy. i mean if whitney houston and i were to have married back in the day, her career wouldnt have derailed so terribly and we'd still be singing her praises instead of remembering that she actually said 'crack is whack' in public. anyway, like i was saying, my dissenter side surfaced and i decided to go against the grain and choose a different list of 5 celebrities. i my wife made me and is literally looking over my shoulder as i type this while making mean faces decided to list 5 celebrities that an awful lot of people find attractive, but i happen to disagree. to each his own right...

1. penelope cruz



2. sarah jessica parker








3. megan fox


4. kirsten dunst





5. nicole kidman






6. cameron diaz







am i crazy? hehe its all good if you think so. you say 'tomato', i say 'tomato'.......well i guess that saying doest exactly translate as well when written but you know what i mean.

also, you'll notice there are six women listed but the rules of the award say 5. thats because #3 is a TOTAL lie because i think megan fox is very attractive, plus my wife went to the bathroom. she's an average actress, but definitely hot. i think thats a good start to the rules of the next award....



the creative writing award states that i must list 6 truths and/or lies and one truth or lie about myself and you are supposed to figure out which im listing. its like a communal award. the small town girl and i have never met, but ive already stated that we will meet at some unspecified time in the future to share a drink or twenty two. she is a texan and a sleepwalker. both of which i find to be awesome characteristics. ive felt that way about texans since, well, forever, but as for the sleepwalkers, ive only recently discovered this likability factor. i have her to thank for that, as well as, the laughs i experience every time i visit her page. i wonder if she will be able to figure out what im listing here because i bombed when it came to picking hers. lets see what you guys come up with. i find it fairly easy because, well, because im writing this, but also because im doing mine pretty silly like. so which is it? what did i list, 6 truths and a lie or 6 lies and a truth?

1. i would sell my liver to be a jedi knight for a year.
2. i have a faint scar on my lower back that i received while showing off for my son and his friends in a bounce house.
3. in the 8th grade, i was in a gang for 2 weeks.
4. i have a tad bit of social anxiety.
5. if betty white was 60 years younger or i was 100 years older, we would be dating.
6. im terrible at math.
7. i once won a dancing contest


haha like i said, i find this extremely easy to decipher, but i want to know what you think? would i really sell my liver? should i have listed betty white in the original rules of the plastic joy award? the suspense is just too intense.



thank you glamazon and small town girl, you gals are great and i appreciate you thinking of me for the awards. i mean its not everyday one gets to post plastic porn on their page or have the opportunity to deceive without consequence.

Friday, May 28, 2010

giraffen






this confessional thing has really become a big thing in my life. it has reached the level of having its own 'memo' area in my phone, so that when i think of something while driving or playing with the kids at chuck-e-cheese i can just jot it down. i like to think of it as little dear diary entries on steroids. if you havent participated, you should. its fun and you feel better in the process. and while at it, you should visit the glamazon's page regularly.

this week im doing this entry a little differently. i typically list about 8-12 different confessions ranging from everything between mercury to pluto the new last planet, but over the weekend my wife and i took our little ones to see the newest and last shrek installment and by the end of the movie i had already decided to make my confessional, one confessional sorta drawn out....random tangent but that was literally the longest sentence ive ever re-read. anyway, onto the drawn out confession


my lone confession this week, is that i really find it weird when adults go to what i deem to be a 'kids movie', without kids.

there i said it.

i know many people who differ and find it okay for adults to go to kids movies but whenever im in the theater, i always see them and think, 'wow thats weird.' i have friends who are like this so obviously i dont hold it against them or look down on them or anything for long , but they often say in defense of their weird movie choice, something like, 'well movies like shrek have hidden adult humor in it.' and i quickly retort 'yeah it absolutely does and im definitely grateful for it, but its in there for the parents and besides, you know why its hidden? because its a KIDS MOVIE.'

so 7 HOURS INTO THE MOVIE i soon had to go to the bathroom to evacuate what the 16 liters of pepsi did to my bladder. why is everything so expensive and large at the movie theater? and why are they all about 'expanding' stuff? i mean no matter what size drink you ask for, they will always counter with a bigger drink or popcorn option. its like, dude. i dont want to wheel barrow my popcorn back to my seat or stick a straw in my mini-cooler sized drink. we typically get snacks after we've taken our seats so we dont have to stand in those nile long lines. so after the pepsi made its exit, i made my entrance into what i thought would be a plethora of short lines. boy was i wrong. there werent alot of people, but they had a few lines open which made no sense to me. i mean didnt they know shrek was opening and that there would be tons of creepy adults snack friendly kids flooding their lines?

as i stood in line, i smelled something...odd. it was the kind of odd that would make you want to duct tape your face. not to mention look around and try to figure out where the hell it was from. after about 5 grueling minutes, i finally deduced that it was the guy behind me. i dont know if it was from his mouth or his oily body hair, but it was bad and every time he exhaled or wafted wind my direction, i thought a tsunami of mold had bullied my nose.

as i stood there waiting impatiently, i noticed this guy in a tank top and too tight jean shorts. i wont even comment on the fact that it was tucked in, but i do want want to comment on his tattoo. it was an awesomely multi-colored tattoo of a giraffe. now ive already stated my adoration for tattoos so i notice them on other people often. it was cool looking because it really had some great color and detail, but my mind soon drifted and i then began wondering why exactly this man had a giraffe as a tattoo? i mean a giraffe? really? of all the animals to choose from, you pick the one who's necktie would be 75ft tall? i drifted further into wondering why he had it. i bet he had some lame ass sentimental story for having too like, 'one time i was on this african safari and a grizzly bear was about to attack us and while we all wondered what the hell a grizzly was doing on an african safari, it was too late. he was coming to attack us. well there was this giraffe eating leaves with its long neck and the grizzly bear got sidetracked because he ironically took notice of the fact that if a giraffe was wearing a necktie, it would be 75 feet tall. how crazy is that? it really was more ironic than medussa at a snake charmers convention. anyway, while the grizzly stood distracted, we made our escape and he just harmlessly trotted off to chase fish and eat sticky honey....so i mean, if it wasnt for the giraffe, i wouldnt be here watching shrek with my 6 year old son 'giraffen'.

Monday, May 24, 2010

watermelons xyz

remember with me if you will to a short time ago when i posted some drivel about rootabaga's or something like that. well upon hitting the 'publish post' button, i realized at least four things. a few of those things being:

1. i have got to stop posting when drunk its past my bedtime.
2. the more you say 'rootabaga', the more you realize it really sounds filthy disgusting and its because of this filthiness that im sure the rootabaga will continue to live in obscurity.
3. 'rootabaga' is actually spelled 'rutabaga'. but when i first entered the word into my laptop, i entered it like 'rootabaga' because that is how i thought it was spelled. my 'plan' was to go ahead and keep it as 'rootabaga' but then add at the end something about how i purposefully spelled it wrong because blah blah blah. basically i was totally dissing the rootabaga because, well, im almost certain they taste like how a port-a-potty smells. anyway, if you didnt read that post, please check it out so i may make some sort of sense to you. if you did read it, you'll maybe remember that i didnt put that part in about purposefully spelling its name wrong because, well i forgot. i do that alot. especially when its happy hour at the bar past my bedtime. so now it looks like i neglected my contractual spell check obligations and if you've read my blizzle (blog) at all, you may remember that i cannot stand blatant spelling errors and thats basically what this damned 'vegatable' made me do...inadvertently that is.

anyway, i guess most people dont initially know how to spell it either mainly because of the aforementioned obscurity, BUT i noticed it and what was intended to be a diss on 'rootabaga's', ended up with me getting punked. i mean i was waiting for ashton kutcher to jump out and be like 'gotcha! take that you rutabaga hater!' (for those of you not in the know, ashton kutcher is president of 'FETA' which actually has nothing to do with cheese.) no the Fair and Ethical Treatment of Atrocious vegetables has been on my case since that fateful post, but im relentless. so to that i say, screw you rootabaga's. no one knows who you are and the ones that do think you are a stool sample posing as food. and not to be outdone, screw you FETA. your leader hasnt been in anything good since.........(wait gimme a sec)........uhhhh??........well i guess its that last camera commercial. whatever. i hope you continue on your plight into nothingness and the only groups that finds you satisfying are rats and leprechauns, because rats are possibly the worst thing ever and leprechauns dont even exist. take that jerks. i wish i had never even heard of rootabaga's.

well i did say i had four things realized. i went on a bit of a tirade, but i wont forget this time. there's this saying from where i grew up, maybe you've heard of it. it goes 'fool me once and i slam your ass in a blog and there is no second time.' so having said that, i used my anger for good and decided to channel that energy into another list of 10 things. this list is different though. i said i wished i had never heard of the despicable rootabaga and this list was bred from this wish.

so the fourth thing realized is that, instead of a list of 10 things you'll never hear, i should devise a list of 10 things we SHOULD HAVE never heard. in this list you wont find anything about rootabaga's. think of them as being grandfathered in. i will, however, continue to spell the name as i choose. and as for FETA, they can just keep whining with their cheese.


the list goes something like this....


1. 'well what if we go overboard with nasty meat.' -- arby's

2. 'nonsense dolly. a quadruple eleventy nine xyz implant isnt too big nor excessive.'

3. 'would you like to take my class?' -- keanu reeve's acting coach

4. 'sweet! i finally finished my script.' -- whoever wrote howard the duck

5. 'i wonder how much ugliness we could get away with.' -- design team for birkenstocks

6. 'appropriate? like whats that mean??' -- lindsay lohan

7. 'haha thats funny.' -- whoever first encouraged gallagher's watermelon routine idea

8. 'ive got an idea, take a whole lot off the front and DO NOT touch the back.' -- the first mullet guy

9. 'so i just squeeze it and abandon the sense of irritability?' -- the first to try an accordion

10. 'damn bro you are wearing those skinny jeans.'

Saturday, May 22, 2010

mile high club

right now, my life involves loads of traveling. traveling in insufferable amounts to be more precise. naturally, the more i fly, the more i experience why it sucks so bad. cancellations and delays seem inevitable and is an easy way to screw up one's night. sometimes i feel like i must have been an ant in a former life and my buddies and i royally f-ed up a picnic outing by treading through the potato salad to damage the pimento loaf, but i digress. in a nutshell, flying this much stinks. because of the stench, i tend to look for ways to amuse myself and i must say; the airport has got to be the biggest collection of uncoordinated people ever assembled. i see people running for their gates w/ the lamest form ever and its like their joints arent even connected. i mean good thing there's no killer after them because they'd be done before they could even start the creepy score!


anyhow, the incessant flying, reincarnated potato salad footprints, or clumsy travelers is not even the reason for this offering so i apologize for the tangent. no this is about, obviously, the mile high club. if you arent familiar with the term, it basically is a slang way of referring to 'having sex on a plane.' i dont know who started the phrase or what the draw is to having sex on a plane. ass on a plane doesnt really appeal to me, honestly speaking. it just seems like there is an extremely higher price to pay for getting caught than the actual act. but honestly, thats also a tangent because thats also not necessarily what i'll be talking about in this post. although i must first preface that statement by stating, yes i am talking about ass on a plane, but not that type of ass.

ive noticed over the years that some people do not take kindly to children on planes nor their hosts (parents). on a recent trip, i witnessed one ass that infuriated me so much but if you werent looking you wouldnt have even noticed it. but i was definitely looking and definitely noticed his asswipedness.(<<--totally not a word but its my post sooo...) there was this thirty something mom by herself and her child was not having a fun day. we were supposed to leave at 8:30pm, but we didnt leave until 1 am. hell i wasnt having a fun day either. i was more upset than a guy with a uni-brow on a blind date that failed to mention that part.


about an hour into the flight, her kid was screaming and restless. well this jerk in front of her was huffing and puffing like some eighth grader who got tricked by his pals on opposite day. he kept glancing over his shoulder with that look that screamed, 'will you shut that kid up already!' his smugness was sickening and i sincerely felt for the lady. her hair was a mess, her face was red, and the embarrassment and shame literally flowed from her body. not to mention her kid was moving about like he was of tazmanian decent, and to top it off, she had the added pressure of the asswipe in front of her.


just a few thoughts mr. asswipe if you dont mind. i know you're busy being tough and all, but this wont take a second. im not sure if you've noticed, but anatomically speaking, children have shorter legs than adults. this may help you in understanding that at times their legs may bump your chair when they reach for something or when they are in their parents lap and are having a rough time processing life and why they are on this friggin plane this late at night. whats that asswipe? why dont parents just make their kids sit still for the duration of the flight you ask? well it sounds easy enough right? well for starters, i know, like jesus, there is no record of your early life and that you just magically 'popped up' on the scene all knowing. i know you somehow managed to bypass all the years where self control is learned and just came into the world completely mature and mindful, but not everyone is so fortunate. shocking huh? imagine the shock i faced when i had kids of my own and saw firsthand that children really are not all that mature nor are they respectful of others space. go figure. they're on this path called 'life' and it really is a difficult thing...for the kid AND the mom mind you. especially when they have the added pressure of some doucher, holier than thou, waste of space plane mate. i mean seriously? what i want to know is who exactly are you mad at? the mom? well, if she isnt the type that just allows her child to run the aisles freely and does nothing to help taper the child down, then please just relax already. no amount of passively griping will help. now if you're mad at the child, well, i dont know what to tell you bro, but basically just give up all hope. i mean life will get WAAAY more serious and you will surely encounter bigger villians in your days than some some sleepy toddler. so like i said, just give up hope. you should go play russian roulette with a chainsaw or take two ambien and nap on elm street. whatever you do, just leave the woman alone please. the flight is temporary and your ignorance is not bliss.


well i do hope my words though sticky with sweet sarcasm awaken pleasantness in you and that you save your asswipedness for: loud cell phone talkers, people who wear their bluetooth or neck pillow around while not in use, and plane farters.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

the rootabaga line up

the other day i was talking to someone about texas and wishing i was there at the moment and blah blah blah. i grew up in san antonio and there is apparently good, if not great, hunting in those parts. im not a hunter, in case you're wondering why i said 'apparently'. ive actually only shot a gun twice in my life. he was all sorts of surprised at my admission because he assumed all texans: hunted, chewed dip, drove over-sized trucks, wore shit kicking boots and cow tipped. he was like, 'man i NEVER thought i'd hear of a texan not shooting up some shit.'

take it easy big fella. not all texans shoot up shit. anyway, i dusted off my 10 gallon hat and went about my way. i found it crazy that what he perceived of ALL texans couldnt be further from the truth. in my life anyway. i then thought about other areas where i might be surprised at what i heard. and from there...well this list was birthed.



its basically a list of 10 things you will NEVER hear. some are from people, some are even from inanimate objects. either way, im 99% sure you will never ever ever ever hear!




1) 'damn. im eating ramen noodles, could you pass the salt?'

2) 'boy, mikeys mom sure does make a mean rootabaga soup'

3) 'we are not diabetes in a straw' -- pixy sticks

4) '911? hey just wanted to say you guys are doing an awesome job' -- rodney king

5) 'sir where do you keep the rootabaga's?'

6) 'hey lets visit nebraska!'

7) 'man, my cat is soooo active!'

8) 'damn my feet smell awesome!' --any fly

9) boy, fran drescher's voice is pleasant isnt it?

10) 'oh. so this is what the stairway to heaven looks like.' --hitler





posters note: not quite sure why im picking on rootabaga's. actually, not quite sure why im even thinkng about them, but hell, could you pick one out of a vegetable police line up?

Friday, May 14, 2010

i rinse my teeth with sprite




its friday so that means im getting back in the confessional saddle. thats right, im riding this horse for another week with anticipation and regret. im excited to be at it again, which is reason for the anticipation. yet i also have a touch of regret because i missed last week (only my second miss since joining this posse) and the glamazon says she wont be hosting next week due to some mouse problem or something like that ; ) anyway, me being the optimist i am, i will hopefully come back with guns blazing when she fires this puppy back up again the following week. having said that, this confession is a little late because things are still jumbled up in my life PLUS my youngest daughter was home from school today because she was sick as a dog. anyway, its time to get down to nitty gritty and confess things that until now, were only known by jesus himself, my wife, and me. kinda like the trinity of knowing me...wow that sounds super sacrilegious....



1. i was recently given the prestigious awards, the sunshine and versatile blogger awards. im honored by these and happy to hand them out, but the previous weekend i feel i SHOULD have received the 'kick ass husband' award. my reasoning is simple. if you recall, i recently said something about how the new nightmare on elm street movie looked terrible and i had no desire whatsoever to sit and watch it. well my wife wanted to watch it, and long story short.......i was right. the movie sucked in every way possible. (thats what she said) not only was freddie's make up terrible, the storyline was atrocious, freddie himself sucked, and there was absolutely zero redeeming qualities about the flick. i mean MAYBE a few of the girls in it were cute, but hardly enough to outweigh the hour and a half torture session......so that is my reasoning why i should have won. maybe next year keanu reeves will make yet another crappy movie and i can win then.



2. i say the 'thats what she said' thing too much. ive started saying it for apparently no reason and i think its time to put the phrase on a hiatus. the other afternoon, my wife says to me:

'honey can you do the dishes?' and i said...

'thats what she said.'

she was like, 'uhhh really? does that even make sense?'

'ummm i dont think so'

'so why'd you say it?'

'it just sorta slipped out.'

'well honey, maybe you should find a new saying.'

'i know but its just so tempting. cant you just let it slide and let me enjoy this for once?'

she quickly says in a whisper 'thatswhatisaid'

i say 'excuse me?'

'what. i didnt say anything'........




3. if you notice in confession #1, i spelled freddy kreuger's name like 'freddie'. i hope you noticed because that isnt how his name is supposed to be spelled. i hate hate hate when people default to spelling my name 'sammie'. thats just ridiculous and despite the fact that thats how a girl ought to spell it, defaulting to 'sammie' is completely backwards. thats like washing your butt crack and feet and then washing your face...or something like that.


4. i actually knew a guy in high school that would occasionally not brush his teeth before school, but he made sure on these days to rinse his mouth out with sprite instead. his defense when my brother and i would tell him how disgusting and damaging that was, was 'man get off my case already. you arent a dentist.' i'd be all like 'yeah i'm not a dentist, but im also not a butt doctor and i feel pretty confident in saying that if you put a lit firecracker in your butt, bad things will happen.'


5. in my last award speech, i mentioned that i get annoyed very easily. when people unnecessarily back into parking spots, i get annoyed. i think i get annoyed by things that make no sense to me. i guess backing into the spot saves them time from having to back out when they're ready to leave. which technically isnt true, but lets pretend it does. how much time is really saved? 10 seconds? 15 at the max? i mean unless you bought milk that will expire if you dont get home right away or plan on robbing the place and need to speed off in a hurry, there is no sense to it.


6. i also said i get consumed with mundane things. the other day i thought about the saying 'a bird in the hand beats two in the bush' and thought that it sounded ridiculous. i then thought about what i'd ask the guy who created this gem and how in the hell he came up with it. i mean a bird in the hand?? how is that even practical or relevant? if we were able to talk, i would soon attempt to pass off my own wisdom by telling him, 'well you know what they say, "a winking eye means the spaghetti envelopes are triangular..."


7. i am repulsed by arby's sandwiches. i havent actually had the meaty kinds before but i have been there. waaay back in the day of course. i mean really, the sandwiches look like some sort of meaty, sticky, and chronic case of camel toe on a bun.


8. you ever notice how q-tips can be a euphoric device or object of euthanasia. one second you feel like clay aiken watching a hot dog eating contest and then, all of a sudden, your ear is pain stricken and you then feel like a dragon who's had tabasco go down the wrong pipe.


9. i really find the 1030 cutoff for breakfast to be a ridiculous choice. i mean at 1030, sure its technically late for breakfast AT HOME but at a fast food restaurant? also, why does everyone fall in line with this idiot-ness? its not like its a law or something. am i the only one that thinks 1030 may be a little too early for a big mac?! i mean hell, most of the time my system is hardly even alert enough to know its being attacked by a mini double patty sandwich of death.


10. i confess ive made ALOT of bad decisions in my life. consequently, alot of those bad decisions involved a taco cabana or jack in the box, but that is besides the point. whether it was the time i threw a rock at a house while in the 4th grade, because i wanted to show all the other kids how it was done, or the time i decided to find out how fast my parents nissan sentra could go, and of course there was that time megan fox kept saying 'no' but i thought she meant 'yes' and, long story short, i have a court appearance next month. anyway, right up there with all these and other bad decisions ive made, going to the grocery store hungry is right up there. i always come back with the weirdest shit. i mean i didnt even know corn on the cob came in rootbeer flavor. nor did i know there was a radish flavored fruitopia. i also found a butterscotch flavored milk, but it has a short shelf life....maybe i should back into my parking space

Thursday, May 13, 2010

skee-ball





first things first, long story short, ive been away. not real sure where ive been, but suffice to say...ive been away. it feels like ages since i lasted posted. i guess it feels like that because it has been forever since i made my way to my laptop and shared the drivel that consumes my dome piece (aka brain). ive been away longer than a dyslexic turtle reading war & peace and its really frustrating. i always feel like i have crap good stuff to post, but often life gets in the way of me sitting down to formulate my excessive thoughts.

anyhoo, now that ive re-introduced myself to my blizzle (blog) and hopefully stayed in good standing with those who choose to even read what i have to say. to those who do read, i really apologize for being away. i mean i REALLY REALLY apologize. (i said it twice and put it in caps so i'd be really convincing...because i am. im more apologetic than a rabbit with ED)....what does that even mean?? enough with the whining and what not, its time to get down to business....(thats a blogging term for 'its time to start whining and write something ya bum')

being away is one thing. being away and coming back to an award is another. but being away and coming back to two awards is right up there with: skee ball, smooth snow cones, using alliteration and spandex (on a hot woman that is. because on ANYONE else its just wrong wrong wrong. the lone exception might be lance armstrong.)

this is just the position i found myself in (thats what she said) upon my arrival. the lovely linda blessed me with the sunshine award and the star gazing star child handed me the versatile blogger award. needless to say this makes me 'crunk'. i know people have differing views of these awards, and thats fine, but i love receiving them. the whole reason i started blogging was to rid my brain of all these damn cobwebs and other muck hear other peoples thoughts on my writing because i'd like to write screenplays when i grow up, and as much as i adore this lady living with me, (aka wife) her sole opinion cannot be trusted. and trust me i quite literally need the affirmation because if i wrote everything that stumbled through my brain, i'd have about 10 followers and 8 of those would be blogs i would have created just so i could follow myself.

as with all awards, they come with rules. generally speaking i follow rules and by 'generally' i mean 'when i feel like it.' i think im supposed to share the wealth with 12 others for the sunshine award and 15 for the versatile award. i think that is waaaay too many so i'll pick choose as i see fit. dont judge me. the versatile award thing also states that i must state 7 stateworthy things about myself. of course i must link back to them and the only thing you have to do is go and check them out. trust me you wont be sorry.


The Sunshine Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blogging world. these are the chosen ones:

amy- i know amy beyond this keyboard and screen. we went to school together and she is one of the few who would still follow my page if i were to write all that crossed my mind...maybe

star child- a great sense of humor, funny ass stories, and a variety of topics are found on star childs page.

the glamorous life of hausfrau- a relatively new find for me, but when i clicked on her page, i was hooked. and fyi, PLEASE PLEASE stop by her page tomorrow!! you will not be disappointed and thats all im saying. hehe

the catons- fittingly, sunshine is what i think of when i stop in for a visit.

texas britches- she's from texas....not that i should have to say anything else other than that, but she is hilarious and a great sense of humor...plus she has mr t on her page and she's from texas.

mommywood- miss brittney holds the distinction of teaching me the strike thing and i couldnt me more happy that she did. i was driving myself crazy trying to figure that damn thing out. you have got to stop by her page simply because she's hilarious and sunshiny

lizzi- a great photographer and writer. i love reading her random thoughts because they make mine less lonely.

kat- nobody uses the f-bomb better!! she's like the samuel jackson of blogdom and thats all im saying!!!


and most importantly, thank you linda for sharing the wealth. you have really got to stop by. it does not matter the topic she chooses to write on, you will love it and keep coming back for more. (that. is. what. she. said.)



the recipients for the versatile baller award are:

alix- no doubt you will enjoy your stay at alix's page. what a crazy, wild, and hilarious woman. it is impossible to stop by and not enjoy your stay.

lora- if versatility were humps, she'd be a camel pregnant with quadruplets. not quite sure that makes sense, but trust me, you will get feverish with delight by reading her words.

terry- oh terry, terry, terry. what a clown! that is a good thing mind you and let me tell you, stopping by is definitely good for the soul, because you will laugh your ass off. she is also the first to break my blogging award cherry and i will forever be indebted.

glamazon- as if her title wasnt enough clue of her awesomeness, her page is twice as better than her name. she is also host to the only meme i can 'handle'. the friday confessional has been the honey to my tea for some time now.

linda- this is the same miss linda that gave me the sunshine award. you never know what you are going to read on her page. she has a wise ass husband that she says im similar to and that makes her a-okay in my book. never a dull moment and a great read.

salt says- a relatively new find for me, but it didnt take long to find out she is one hilarious lady!...oh and she gets extra points for her tattoo obsession as well

bananas- simply stated, she is bananas and out of her mind...in a good way of course. she also gets the extra points for the tat obsession thing...oh and the drinking thing

OTV- warning: do not go to her page if you have bad grammar....well you can and should still stop by because your laughter will make you forget the berating you will receive. seriously, she is hilarious and actually reminds me of chelsea handler...except she's not blonde...or white...nor is she a drinker.....BUT she is hilarious.

mrs. d aka the uber-milf- calling yourself the uber milf, is more than enough reason to check her out. she is absolutely funny funny funny and she accomplishes this with stories that happened in real life or things in her head and all is laced with just the right amount of swearing.



small town girl- lastly, another texas gal that is simply 'my homie'. i wont get into the whole sleepwalking bit, like i did the last time i gave her an award, but i cannot get enough of her page. i mean really, she swears, she drinks, and she's from texas. the trifecta.

the rules for this award also states that i must share 7 things about myself:

1. im obsessed with all things mundane. most times i have 7000 things swimming through my head that really have no relevance until i blog about it or somehow sprinkle it into everyday conversation. (which usually gets the weirdest looks)

2. i re-read my own blog on occasion. arrogant i know but i honestly surprise myself at times when i read things ive put down.

3. im about 90% sure that sarah silverman has taken the lead for 2nd place in my female comedian jocking. if so, she will have surpassed chelsea handler but not betty white. its actually impossible to pass betty white.

4. randomness is my friend. she calls me on the phone and we have lunch dates often.

5. i actually found this out the other morning: i apparently would chance pissing the bed because i didnt feel like getting up at the time, but when i realized the sooner i got up the sooner i could eat frosted flakes, i was already down the stairs.

6. i get annoyed easily. the other day someone left me a voicemail and left their number faster than indian food leaving the body and i got so annoyed that i couldnt get the number that i refused to even call back.

7. lastly, this should be my new profile: im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.


thank you linda and star child. i can now get back to my regular irregularities...

Monday, May 3, 2010

im the stranger you ought to listen to



in my last post, i mentioned how terrible kesha was as a musician. i feel like im dirtying up the word musician in using it to reference miss kesha. i also feel like im dirtying up the dollar sign by using it in her name, as she spells it, so ive since refused to type it to reference her. anyway, i really do find her music crappy (you dont understand, i really need to crap when i hear her) but its not only her music that makes my ears feel as if a brillo pad has been rubbed against them. there are unfortunately tons and gobs of people who simply have less talent than yoda's use of a boner.

i guess thats just the state of music today. its more about image than actually being able to sing worth a rip. i guess to look at the glass as half full, the fact that the music industry isnt really about music DOES make real artists stand out more. having said that, my wife and i absolutely love and adore corinne bailey rae. if you arent familiar with her, you should take my advice and give her a listen. and yes you should take my advice. just think of me as the stranger waiter who suggests what you should have for dinner even though i dont know you. her music style is a beautiful mix of jazz, blues, r&b, and neo-soul. to make an artist comparison, she's between norah jones and alicia keys.

my wife and i had the pleasure of not only seeing her in concert at the house of blues, but getting to meet her after the show. i love it when artists sound just as good in person so we were happy to hear her sweet voice echo through the standing room only crowd. getting to meet her was even better than hearing her sing. i mean what a sweet sweet woman. i think one of the few things she has in common with chelsea handler is how they both smile with their entire face.

all in all, it was a great show and a great night (thats what she said). she really is one of the few artists out that i would buy their cd without questioning or having to listen to it first. i would buy it simply because she had one out. this is us after the show. you'll have to excuse me looking tired as hell. i look tired as hell because thats how i look after drinking too much ; )





during my recent, short leave of absence, i mentioned going to visit family, get a tattoo, and a certain child of mine walking into a certain bedroom, while my wife and i were doing a certain 'dance'. i said i would post some pics before armageddon soon so i figure i better get to it before satan's army leaves Washington DC hell and prepares for battle.

here is my newest nephew. in my brothers words, 'this is my lil boy! he's gangsta!' i swear this baby boy looks so much like my oldest daughter as a baby. holding him took me back to the days of diapers and late night feedings. this is where my wife found me somewhat helpful, because i figured i may as well be productive while staying up at all hours of the night. it also reminded me of the first piece of parenting wisdom my mom gave me when my first daughter was born.

mom- i dont think you're ready for kids

me- you're probably right, but who is?

mom- i dont think you understand the depth of parenting.

me- you're probably right but who does?

mom- well do you know you have to change their diaper EVERY TIME?

me- you mean i cant flip it inside out?

mom- NO! are you crazy?!

me- so i guess theres no underwear they can wear just yet either huh?

mom- absolutely not!

me- can i put the diaper in the washing machine? or maybe the dishwasher?

mom- i feel sick...

me- well before you throw up, tell me a good time to start them on solid foods? like steaks and shit? 1 month? 2?








and here is my son messing with his uncle. im just saying, it is in your best interest to NOT fall asleep before my son. he's a great kid, but im just sayin'.











just so you know, i had the hardest time (thats what she said) trying to take this pic and NOT look and feel like some myspace hoochie. i still feel like i failed though. the newest tattoo is the one across my chest. it reads, 'everybody dies but not everybody lives.' i'll talk more about our other tattoos and show off some of my wifes artwork very soon. (she's really talented)
anyway, my wife and i are really big into tattoos and, believe it or not, she has more than i do. she's actually kicking around the idea of being a tattoo artist herself. i told her that i will obviously be her first gig and the tattoo will read 'my first tattoo' along with the date. this one here didnt hurt too bad except for when he had the needle point on my effing sternum. i could feel the vibrations all the way into my throat.....and that my friends......is what she said.








About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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