Monday, April 5, 2010

the horizontal mambo...

i dont know what it is these days, but i havent been able to sit down and watch a movie. at home that is. my wife and i will start with the best of intentions and try and hang together to watch a flick, (not that kind of 'flick' ya perv) but before we even start the thing, we just get disinterested and say 'well maybe tomorrow.' tomorrow then becomes next week and next week soon becomes never. she usually falls asleep before me, (hell owls look at me in amazement because i stay up so late) so i started trying to watch movies on my own to no avail. i either dont start the movie at all, or within 15-20 minutes of starting the movie, im like '(while yawning)...this bores me.' ive tried and failed on three different occasions to watch the michael cera and jack black flick "year one". no lie, i think ive seen about 20 minutes of it total. and at this point i dont even remember what those twenty minutes entailed. anyway, i dont know if its us being worn out after the kids hit the sack, or if we're just restless bums and cant focus long enough to actually follow the storyline. actually going to the movies is no problem though. i can drink wine and eat nachos and follow along no problem. anyone else like this??

the last movie i saw at home was 'the invention of lying' directed and starring ricky gervais. the same genius who fathered 'the office'. i was in a hotel room somewhere and for some reason i hardly remember, but made it through the movie with only a bit of trouble. i did doze off twice but was able to rewind it so i didnt miss anything. im telling you, it was a good ass movie. yahoo movies explains the movie like this: In an alternate reality, lying -- even the concept of a lie -- does not even exist. Everyone -- from politicians to advertisers to the man and woman on the street -- speaks the truth and nothing but the truth with no thought of the consequences. But when a down-on-his-luck loser named Mark suddenly develops the ability to lie, he finds that dishonesty has its rewards.

i love gervais' wit and it shows all through the movie. NO ONE is able to lie and it makes for some awkward and hilarious interactions as you can imagine. this of course had me wondering how that would look in our world today if that were so. if lying didnt exist, the following would also not exist:

-me NOT telling my kids that im santa claus, the tooth fairy and the easter bunny.

- when i go to vegas with my friends and my son asks what im going for, i'd be forced to say, 'strippers, gambling and alcohol son. strippers, gambling and alcohol.'

- what about when husbands/boyfriends are asked by their significant other, 'does this make me look fat?'. imagine saying, 'no it doesnt make you look fat. you know what does make you look fat?....sight. its the fact that i can see you that makes you look fat.'

- when one of my single friends asked me whats the key to a happy marriage, i'd say, 'strippers, gambling, and alcohol bro. strippers, gambling and alcohol.'

- when my wife asks how she looks in something i may not particularly like, i'd have to be like, 'uhhh, that dress is hideous and you should probably take it yesterday.'

- when accosted by those annoying mall vendors, i'd be like 'no i dont wanna try your lotion so get the hell away from me you bothersome jerk!'

- when my kids ask about the 'noises' coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom, i'd have no choice but to say, 'well kids, its kinda hard (thats what she said) to explain. but seriously kids, there's this thing adults do called the horizontal mambo....'

- when sitting on a plane and your neighbor is aggravating the hell out of you, your next words would be, 'dude please. your halitosis infinitely infuriating and its giving me a nose-ache. if your going to keep talking, at least talk into the vomit bag.'

- upon seeing a guy in skinny jeans, i'd be like, 'hey man. hows that yeast infection coming and how exactly do you treat it?? also, when you purchased the jeans, did the store not have mirrors and did they come with an ass whooping too?'

- i would also have to be honest about school or at least what i think about school. particularly math. i mean unless you plan on working in the math field somewhere, beyond the 3rd grade really is a waste of time. i'd tell my oldest, 'trust me sweetie, ive seen your math work and there is ZERO chance of you being anywhere close to math field.'

no really it is. i was helping my daughter the other day with her math and i felt completely lost. did i mention she's in the 4th grade? really, i consider myself to be a pretty smart dude. im no brain surgeon or chemist, but im not a dullard either. i'd say im somewhere between bill gates and spencer pratt. i know thats a HUGE gap but you get my drift. at any rate, when she showed me her math problems, i was initially like, 'uhhh what the hell is this and why are they teaching you chinese??" we eventually worked it out, thanks to google, but i really struggled to not tell her that i honestly havent used alot of math as an adult. i dont remember the last time geometry was actually relevant in my day to day activities. i know what an octagon is, but more importantly i can read the word on it. i dont know what a trapezoid is mainly because NO ONE has mentioned the word to me in AT LEAST 20 years. for some reason i remember that pi=3.14 but as for its relevance, i only know that it tastes amazing with ice cream. i have no idea what a 'cosine' is and i suspect most adults dont. you know why they dont?....because its pointless to know. just listen to the definition of it and ask yourself, why is it necessary to know what it means: (in a right angled triangle) the ratio of the length of a side adjacent to one of the acute angles to the length of the hypotenuse....see what i mean? the only thing i know, and probably 95% of the world as well, about 'cosine' is that some people need someone to 'cosine' when their credit isnt great and they're really trying to purchase a vehicle. also, hypotenuse? that sounds like the term for a baby hippo or multiple hippos.

if we did in fact live in a world where lying wasnt possible, i would have no choice but to tell my daughter that math is severely over rated and that i really didnt mind if she cheated her way through the absurdness of it. i mean the only number she really needs to know is '1' because thats how many fingers it takes to work a calculator. i would tell her to focus on reading and writing and pass on the arithmetic because they hold more prominence and usefulness. i mean if you exceed in reading and writing you'll surely do well in life. if you exceed in math you'll most likely be a dork and single.


Terry said...

The math is what the call the "new math"...seriously? I don't think anything was wrong with the old!! My oldest is 12 and I've been unable to help her for years now. My spouse can only speak at a college level so he's no help either...ahhhh well....such is life! I teach her MY way...and that way she can count out change like most kids CANNOT do these days!!

amy (metz) walker said...

Ah!!! least favorite subject! I peaked somewhere around division & it was downhill from then on!

Seriously, your kids have had to ask about the noises coming from your bedroom?! Keep. It. Down. ;). And the skinny jean commentary? Hilarious.

By the way, you still get the "Random Sammy" award!

Love ya!

Wym said...

Great post!

Quit wasting your time with "Year One". It sucked.
I think I have reached a point where I am totally done with TV and movies. They don't have much original info or plot and in general, very predictable.

I always tell those jerks at the mall to go poop in their hand (in my head). What a lame job.

you are my new favorite blogger BTW.

bananas. said...


listen up yo, i'm about to school you. i was a god damn GENIUS when it came to math. know why? because it had a definite answer. fuck the meaning of a poem or book or words. but gad dangit, being a math genius did nothing for my salary.

as for being a dork? maybe. single? negative. awesome? why yes. horizontal mambo? in my world we call it fucking. haha. how's that for a world without lying.

happy monday!!!

The Weckler said...

Now, all I am thinking about is horizontal mambo in aqua shoes. Or worse, crocs...

Anonymous said...

the last movie we rented (and watched) was 'up in the air'--it was wonderful. particularly the character development. it reminded me a lot of 'closer' which i have seen at least 10 times.

i am pretty good at math and still dread the day my children come to me with homework i will have to pretend to understand. hopefully they'll be geniuses and my knowledge of the matter will be irrelevant.

Small Town Girl said...

I can't still long enough to watch a whole movie...even if it's good. It infuriates my husband. He's happy if we make it 15 minutes without me saying, "hey can you pause that?"

I loved math, but you're just don't use it!

Alix said...

hell owls look at me in amazement because i stay up so late

Strippers, gambling, and alcohol.

its the fact that i can see you that makes you look fat

when my wife asks how she looks in something i may not particularly like, i'd have to be like, 'uhhh, that dress is hideous and you should probably take it yesterday. Oh no you dit-ent!


Yeast infection!

So much to love in this post. You are a wild man sir. A wild man that I'm wild about.

Now cut out all that horizontal mambo business and get some sleep, will ya?

The Catons said...

I am crying!!!

but dont you need math to figure out how many more yards to get for a first down??? I'm just sayin'


Lora said...

Hey! I'm awesome at math.

And I can't stay awake (or alert, that's better, because I'm usually awake, just not paying attention) for movies ever either. I'm always more interested in what's going on inside my head than what's on the screen.

BUt I did just watch and love Fantastic Mr. Fox.
It's not really a kids movie, but they'd probably like it
And speaking of The Clooney, Tiffany mentioned another one of his films
I didn't watch Up in the Air but I hear it's good. Awesome even. I don't like the sounds of it though. Sounds like something my mom would like.
We took the boy to see How to Train Your Dragon and it was really good for everyone. Even Dave got teary-eyed at the end.

Brittney said...

OMG where have you been all this time ive been blogging!!! Thanks for stopping by so I could stop by yours!

Ohh finally someone who thinks the same as I do about Math ""HEAR THE ANGELS SINGING?" I am a sub at the elementary school and I had a 4th grade class and I seriously had no clue how to work their problems.. did you know they dont even subtract the same way anymore? Its completely different and useless if you ask me.

Oh you had me laughing about "strippers gambling & alcohol" sounds like something my hubby would say BAHAHA!

Im sooo following you now :)

karen said...

Sammy Sammy Sammy....*smh* my mom's soul just died a little with this blog! Ask Leslie! I hate to inform you son but your entire profession takes place on a geometrical field and all those plays and routes you run involve ANGLES! LOL I know the PERFECT movie for you to watch...with your kids even. Its called Donald Duck in Mathemagical Land, he can help explain the uses of math to you! Plus its actually pretty funny. However, you are not the only person who feels this way about math and therefore you are forgiven!

Juliana said...

Thank you for posting on MODG because that is how I found you today and sat here laughing. I had to come by because I did meet Chelsea a few weeks ago. My friends and I met her and she told me I was pretty--well I don't think she ever looked up at my face...just my boobs, but still it was her and that is all that matters. Now only if Chuy was there my life would have been complete.

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

Bill Gates to Herpes 2 (pratt), that made me laugh my butt off!

I have actually yelled at those people in the middle of the mall with the 'lotion hut' before. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" they got really embarrassed - mission accomplished.

I haven't been by in a while and I'm the one missing out, so I apologize! Great post and in a completely unrelated topic I'm SO jealous you get to see Chelsea/possibly meet her and or get groped by her!!! GOOD LUCK!!! ox

2nd side note - I didn't forget your Q&A question I'm still trying to think of a great definition for your verification word! ;)

Linda Medrano said...

Sammy, you amaze me! My Grandson Cyrus saw the lying movie and told me I really have to see it. I can't concentrate on a lot of movies. Alex and I will put one on and then one or the other of us wanders out of the room to do something for a half hour or so.

I never lie unless my life depends on it. Oh and the white lies to not hurt feelings. Those are good lies.

Alcohol strippers and gambling? Sammy, I'm sorry but Vegas is just plain nasty and bores me to tears.

Anonymous said...

I saw the Invention of Lying last week. Loved it.

Love your observations on math. Point on man!

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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