Friday, April 30, 2010


its that time again and im especially glad that its 'that time' again seeing as how i missed last weeks soul purging. as ive said before, my confessions are mainly things i really do think about. things that consume my day and most, if not all, of my brain. so its for that reason i come to confessional and have this random diatribe posted for all to see. consequently, my wife is very appreciative of the glamazon for hosting this venue, because prior to the friday confessional, she played catcher to my nonsense baseballs and i guess one can only take so much ya know. even though im pretty sure she loves me 'long time', how many times can a person be expected to hear about things like: rear view mirrors and why things are NOT as they appear when you look in them. i mean dont we have enough technology to get that corrected? or how those snow cones with the crunched up ice arent worth a rip and the 'smooth' snow cones are the way to go. or how in the hell did the terrible show 'ALF' last longer than conan o'brien and who exactly was their target market? anyway, like i said, im almost positive she's able to look beyond these 'special qualities' of mine and give me unconditional love regardless of how many times i say that jawbreakers are easily in the top 5 of worst candies. ever. i mean who wants a ball in their mouth for that long(thats what she said) only to break your jaw afterwards??

ive decided to do something special this week because i missed last week. anyway, the friday confessional according to me in the 'thats what she said edition.'

i couldnt think of a 'thats what she said' line for all of them though.

1.) i recently mentioned that justin biebers was terrible. with this being the friday confessional and all, i would like to take this moment to issue an apology. so here it goes, ahem, 'hey justin, whats up bro? i saw you on saturday night live and i posted something about how your music was crap. well bud, i apologize....not that your music doesnt still suck, but ive found someone waaaaaay worse. her name is ke$ha. have you heard of her? well dont sweat it if you havent because her music is the quite literally the equivalent to grabbing all the silverware out the drawer and throwing it in the air. the ensuing bothersome sound is exactly what her music reminds me of. just noise. a bothersome and gross noise.'

--i would like to add that if your name is 'kimberly' there is a good chance you are a white female. if your name happens to be 'darnell', there is a reasonable chance you are a black male. if your name is 'ke$ha' then you are undoubtedly a horse shit 'singer'

--i would also like to add that this will be the last time i spell her name with a dollar sign or refer to her howling as singing or music.

2.) my wife and i are big into letting our kids 'find out' and 'be' who they are. we let them choose their own clothes for school each morning and even pick their own stuff when they receive cash or gift cards. i even allow my son to wear flip flops because he wanted to get a pair. (2 things to add here: i despise flip flops on men and i will say that i wasnt with him when he chose them but thats besides the point) okay so having said that, my son WILL NOT join the boy scouts. no offense to all those pro boy scouts, but i find it weird. i'll just teach my son how to tie a knot, roast marshmallows and throw spears at home. whatever i cant teach him about the outdoors probably isnt necessary because its 2010 and im pretty sure he wont be secluded in a forest without a lighter or cell phone.

3.) doors that need to be pushed to open but have handles infuriate me. its like having velcro and laces. why does pushing and pulling have to be so difficult (thats what she said)

4.) my wife and i love scary movies and actually have the hardest time (thats what she said) finding other couples who both enjoy a good scare flick. the new nightmare on elm street movie looks terrible and im sure the one who'll have trouble finding someone to watch it with is my wife, because she wants to see it and i dont. theres only one freddy krueger and thats joan rivers robert englund.

5.) i have a ridiculous sweet tooth and several cavities to prove it. i love most everything from skittles, starburst jelly beans, lucky charms(lets face it), twix, snickers, cake, pie, etc. i guess what im trying to say is that calling twinkies a dessert is offensive and if i was a peach cobbler i would be offended. just because something has cream in the middle (thats what she said) doesnt make it a dessert. its no different than just because someone is moving about the dance floor doesnt mean they are dancing.

6. speaking of moving about the dance floor, i cant quite figure out what watching kate gosselin move about the dance floor reminds me of exactly. i do have it down to at least two things though. its either: watching a lion tear through a bloody carcass or two people play twister while standing up....left foot blue dot, right elbow yellow dot, etc

7. speaking of, again, twister. calling it a board game is like calling spam food. it is literally impossible to play the game without it leading to sex. did you know the original title of the game isnt twister? its been through numerous name changes but the very first was called 'doggy style...well kinda'. then it was called 'why is your elbow on my balls?'. then it was called 'i dont know why your elbow is on my balls but i think we should have sex.' then they went with 'precursor to doing it.' of course there was 'technically we just had sex.' and the last name before settling on twister was 'dont tell your mom we just dry humped'.

8. i am astounded that yanni sold/sells cd's. thats pretty bold of him to go by one name. interesting name too, but i find it weird that he misspells his own name. then again, i guess 'yawn-i' would be too obvious. i think his name in hebrew means 'precursor to sleep'.

9. i'd love to see spencer or heidi pratt wearing one of those 'im with stupid shirts'. it would be so literal!

10. if i were an atheist, i would point to spiders and snakes as evidence there is no god. my reasoning would simply be that if there were an all knowing god, he would have been able to see that because of his creation, it would then spawn the creation of horseshit movies like '8 legged freaks' and 'snakes on a plane.'

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

i feel shafted by the bluebonnet

wow so im finally back to posting. i did try and post more while on the road, but i only had internet access for a little while plus all the visiting around and parenting prevented me from even seeing my computer. i didnt even get to visit as much as i wanted to due to all the time constraints. so thats the reason im giving for not checking in on all the blogs i follow. anyway, im back from the beautiful state of texas safe and sound. texas is easily the baller-est state on earth. whether we're talking the people, food, things to do, etc, texas is simply baller...well other than us getting shafted by the bluebonnet. our state flower. i dont know exactly what all the other states have but texas is so damn awesome that one would think we should have got something better. who the hell makes that decision anyway and why? i mean i would much rather a state animal. our animal would be a mix of something gangsta like a black panther/pitbull hybrid. i mean a bluebonnet? if anything we should have got some something baller like a tiger lilly or hell just let me make something up like a 'valor bloom'. we wouldnt even have to actually have one. we could just use a computer generated one to show people. anyway im rambling....

excuse that tangent but like i was saying, we're back from our vacation and texas was great. we flew into san antonio and stayed with my brother and his family for a few days then drove up to dallas and stayed through sunday. we went with a bunch of stuff in mind to get done while in san antonio and dallas and did just that....most of it anyway. a few of things we had on our list of must do's were:

go and visit my brother his wife and newborn nephew and my folks...check

eat at my favorite chinese restaurant of all time in san antonio...check

visit old friends...check

san antonio was fun and my family had yet to meet the lil one so that was good for all the cousins to meet up and hang. pics to come when i get around to it which will more than likely be about two months from now because ive been slacking on all things having to do with my camera so i imagine posting pics will also take forever. later

the drive up to dallas wasnt too bad. its about 5 hours and we had originally planned on leaving around noon. long story short, we left a little after noon. 7pm to be exact. good times. we checked into our extended stay hotel around midnite and had to carry the kids and luggage into the room because they were understandably knocked out. our stay in dallas also had a list of things to cross off:

go to our favorite frozen custard spot at least eleventy times...check

get tatted...check

visit old friends and drink margaritas, while watching the spurs hand the mavericks a thorough ass kicking...check

meet new friend to me but old friend of my wife, karen. she follows my blog via facebook so it was good to actually meet her(what up girl!)...check

take the kids swimming while at the hotel...repeatedly...check

family reunion complete with a crawfish boil, PECAN friggin PIE, and mother-in-law meatballs...check

check on our house and go through things we forgot (namely star wars dvds!)...check

lock the door to our room while the wife and i were about to 'have relations'...shit...shit...and SHIT!

--poster note. if you get offended easily, please stop and while your at it, you may want to stop reading my blizzle (blog) all together.....--thank you, management

thats not a joke by the way. we had to have 'the talk' with her because of...well you get it (thats what she said). if you've never had your child walk in on you, DONT! it makes for a very awkward, yet quasi hilarious, conversation with your 10 year old daughter. what made it even more terrible was the fact that we werent under the covers. at all. we're optimists so we were able to find a couple positives out of the situation: 1.) at least it wasnt my son that walked in. if you've met my son, you know exactly what im talking about. if you havent, well just trust me, we are definitely looking at a 'half full cup.' 2.) although forced, we were able to have 'the talk' with her. even though she was NOT interested at all. i mean who could blame her? i wouldnt want to know how hot dogs are made while at the hot dog factory ya dig. (im sure theres a 'thats what she said joke in that line somewhere or maybe i just made it) 3.) if she would have walked in 10 minutes earlier i would have had to explain the handcuffs, the sombrero, why her mom was calling her daddy 'daddy' and lets not forget about the beads.

all in all, it was great time away. the reunion was held at rustic creek ranch which is a park kinda thingy with tons of cabins. all 5 of us were in one but it wasnt too crowded because the kids slept in their grandparents cabin. the absolute highlight of the trip (for me anyway) happened as we got to our cabin. we had just got to our room and, as i mentioned before, we picked up my star wars dvds from my house. when we got there, my son noticed the tv had a built in dvd player and asked if i would watch them with him. this is what i texted my brother and brother-in-law who are also a star wars dorks...ahem...the day lil sammy goes off to college, i'll be moderately proud. when he gets married and has kids of his own, i'll be somewhat happy. the day he first told me he loved me, i was slightly joyful...he just asked to watch star wars with me and i teared up.

i still need to get caught up on TONS of posts though. plus my photo blizzle (blog) has been pretty anemic lately. im part of a community where its constituents post photos from their respective areas called 'the urbanity'. it was started by lora and if you want to do what all the cool kids are doing you should too. also this last friday marked the first time i didnt participate in the friday confessional since i started contributing (i think). its hosted by the glamazon and if you havent done one, you should, or just continue not having your friday brightened.

thats pretty much my week. a nightmare and an awesome time. its all good though because you gotta have rain AND sunshine for a rainbow right.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

public #2's anyone?

i am currently on the road for my kids spring break. its been extremely difficult to sit down and type since we've been doing vacation-y stuff and i feel bad for blogging/checking in on the blogs i follow when i should be doing vacation-y stuff or even parenting stuff. i guess i forget the kids should eat often and bathe once or twice even while away from school. i got a new follower named star child while driving somewhere between san antonio and dallas and when i finally made it to his page i saw a questionnaire i couldnt pass up it allowed for a quick post with little effort because most of the thinking had already been done for me.

also ive been wanting to do a questionnaire for some time now simply because i like thinking of silly ass questions and thus making you guys silly asses in the process. i dont feel as lonely that way. i may even do a 'meme'. actually scratch that idea because i havent the slightest idea how to do one of those button thingys and honestly the word 'meme' just sounds terrible. i dont even know how its pronounced but i do know it makes me think of macrame and i dont even know what that is either. whatever, im rambling but i guess those will come soon and that my what she said. (sorry but i love a good thats what she said jokey joke)

anyway without further ado...

1 - Ever take a shit in the woods?

shit naw! (love the irony of that statement) i DO NOT deuce in public places and the woods is like the ultimate of public places. if we're at the mall or some other place not my house or even if we're on the road and i have to go #2, i will either hold it or find a hotel bathroom. a clean looking hotel bathroom mind you.

2 - If you won $1,000, what's the first thing you would do with it besides give me a cut?

i would go to whole foods so my kids could have enough strawberries and bananas for the weekend.

3 - What's your favorite phrase?

i have a few and some of those are:

i say 'i mean' alot. as in, 'i like going to whole foods but i have to get a line of credit to shop for a family of 5. i mean i like eating healthy but damn $1000 for 2 salmon fillets just isnt right.'

'what up dawg or cuz'...this is said to men and women as well as adults or children and is a term of endearment

'thats what she said'

'sammy get down from there. sammy dont touch that. sammy put that lighter down. sammy stop calling australia. that shits expensive. etc etc. my sons name is also sammy and he gets into shit. all the time

i also like making up things to add expression to something ive said or seen. case in point would be 'that shit hurt worse than a horse with a UTI.' or 'that was more annoying than a centipede with restless leg syndrome.'.......dont judge me

4 - Fill in the blank - the world would be a better place if ______ left the planet.

hmmm its a toss up between racism and heidi pratt's singing voice and every cd she's put out

5 - How do you take your coffee or tea?

how do i take it? i dont take it because stealing is wrong........well unless you really need it

but when i buy it, i get it like my womans bum.....sweet and hot. iced coffee is just a filthy concept. cold pizza equals awesomeness. cold coffee equals a magnificent disaster.

the irony is that i would guess both were birthed out of someones drunken bout and it just sorta 'caught on'.

Friday, April 16, 2010

hey God. its me sammy. i know you're busy but could you do me a solid...

so its friday and that means its time for another confessional thingy. it is for real a great way for me to hone in on some of my random thoughts and put them somewhere other than my brain thingy. the glamazon plays host to this thingy and if you wanna be cool like me, the glamazon, and a host of others, i suggest you link up and join the thingy. for the record, i am the lone male confessional contributor and i dont know exactly why i added that but i did so whatever....

1. im feeling especially scrambled today. today my brain is similar to that of a meal served at cracker barrel. i get enamored with a word, made up or not, and just use it for no reason other than i cant think of the word fast enough im meaning to use. today that word is 'thingy' if you cant already tell. while rushing about the house, i asked my wife, 'when are you going to go get those thingy's?' to which she replied, 'you mean your kids?'...dont judge me

2. we're leaving for texas today in about 45 minutes and i just got done packing about 5 minutes ago. i think its because im a lazy packer and like a good challenge ya dig. sheesh, i mean anyone can pack over a 3 day period, but it takes real skill to pack a weeks worths in a rush....also, i apologize for the rushed performance today. i wont have much time to look over this post and i rarely do anyway.

3. i was once told by some bible thumper crazy that 'sheesh' is a 'bad word'. i forget the reasoning he gave but that was mainly because i was busy tuning him out practicing my curse words in my head.

4. i think i was about 11 when i first felt the sizzle on my lips from using my very first curse word. i stopped for a little bit a few years back but then realized that it was too much fun to use in the right context....and that context being everyday

5. i write the phrase 'i mean' alot to preface something im about to say. although i dont really say it as much as i write it. go figure.

6. justin baby-bib's song is still stuck in my head thanks to my kiddos. i blame them for my frustration because if it wasnt for them i wouldnt know who he was. although i must say they are also responsible for me actually liking the high school musical movies and as an added bonus, i also get to frequent chuck e cheese without looking like a freak so i think we're even.

7. eating contests sicken me.

8. i use oil of olay face wash and face cream. i used to borrow my wife's but then got tired of me stealing her stuff. so now i purchase it but i act like its for her at the register if i think they're looking at me sideways.

9. i hate actually talking on the phone. it is torturous and even my elbows get annoyed by being in that position. after about 5-6 minutes im looking for ways to get off the phone. i wonder how hard it would be to disable the talking feature all together?

10. i am extremely happy to report that chelsea handler's stand up was hilarious and relieving. i say relieving because a while back i mentioned how much i disliked everything flip flops, sandals, etc on MEN and guess what she said during her standup....thats right dammit!! she said she also hates flip flops on men!! thank you chelsea handler for validating my hatred. i really cannot explain why i dont like them other than the sloppy factor. in my opinion of course. i seriously have to focus in when someone is wearing them and they catch my attention. i get sidetracked that easily. i mean if Jesus visited me in a 'burning bush' like fashion and told me of his divine plan to save humanity or something, i could see myself interrupting and being like '....uhhh excuse me Lord, but could you do me a solid and put on some nikes or something? it would really help me focus and get humanity saved.'

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

upper bottom grazing

is today wednesday already? this has already been one of those weeks where i simply cannot contain time. it actually started last friday. it was like i went to bed and woke up and it was wednesday. i remember stuff from each day and what not, but im still surprised at how fast the past few days flew by.

perhaps getting to meet chelsea handler this saturday sent my inner time clock on a hiatus. and word to your mother, i did in fact meet miss handler. i went to her show here in boston saturday night with my wife and another couple, but before that we went to dine at a restaurant close by. we've been there a few times so the people there 'know us' and one of the chef's comes out and is like, 'you'll never guess who's eating here...chelsea handler!' i took this as a sign from God that i was supposed to meet her and get a compromising photo. we quickly went over and met her, her assistant eva that was AMAZINGLY gracious, as well as chelsea lately regular, heather mcdonald. i of course skipped the handshake and went in for the hug. i can proudly say that she sorta grazed my bottom after our embrace. i think she did anyway. i may have imagined it, but thats neither here nor there. we all took pictures with her but the only cameras we had were the camera phone variety and they all unfortunately came out blurry. oh well, the meeting is still emblazoned in my head and upper part of my rump.

the show was hilarious, as expected, and two things i noticed about the whole night was: 1) this could potentially be taken the wrong way, but chelsea handler is better looking in person. not that she's unfortunate looking or anything on tv, but usually its the opposite ya know. 2) heather mcdonald is funnier in person. again, not that she isnt funny on the show, but she opened for chelsea and her stand up is hilarious.

i already had her newest book, but we also got an autographed copy which she personalized. watching her stand up is like having her read her books to you. she tells the same funny ass, borderline racist jokes that had everyone cracking up. not to mention that when she smiles, her whole face lights up. she had me laughing at times simply because she was laughing so hard and had trouble containing herself. gotta love it when someone tells a story and they themselves crack up.

later that evening i watched saturday night live, but not just any saturday night live, it was hosted by tina fey. i love tina fey as much as i do chelsea handler and betty white and seeing her on snl again made me happier than adam lambert in a cucumber garden. the only bad part about the show was the musical guest. it was justin bieber, which is odd because he doesnt technically make music, but whatever. i actually ended up getting pissed because that 'baby' song was stuck in my head like pb&j and it is a terrible terrible 'song'. i mean i get why kids like the jonas brothers (even though i swear none of them look alike. i guess the 'jonas cousins' doesnt quite have the same ring to it) and other pop sensations like bieber, but i get annoyed at all the crap on the radio these days. its not even whether or not you can sing, its more about how your hair looks and sways across your face. i remember when people were fascinated that j-lo and jaime fox could both sing AND act. now its like EVERY single kid from the disney channel can do both (for the record, j-lo's music is terrible and coma inducing).....whatever im rambling.

to make the weekend even more exciting, i found a five dollar bill in my jeans pocket. i dont care how much money a person makes, finding money in your jeans is like finding hay in the needle stack.(think about that one) i say this to express how good chelsea's show was, as well as, seeing tina fey on snl again. experiencing both in one day was better than me finding a twenty spot in megan fox's jeans. but regrettably, bieber on snl was more painful than watching spencer and heidi pratt play a game of scrabble. i say this because im sure everyone would grow weary of saying things like, 'dammit spencer! theres no 'R' in the word 'cat'!' or 'okay heidi. how many times are you going to try and use 'plastic surgery'?

hehe, get it? get it?

Friday, April 9, 2010

corn is the new voltron

well today is friday and you know what that means. time for some heart purging confessions. well for me its more like brain purging because im basically confessing that this stuff is what i think about. daily. if im not mistaken, this may be the first time that ive posted twice in one day. so you're reading this, dont just read this post. read the previous entry as well because i received my first award yesterday and i feel like im on cloud 9...ty nine that is. actually read the previous two because this post makes 3 in two days and that is a complete rarity for me.

anyway, all this is a great start to the weekend. i'll be watching and HOPEFULLY meeting chelsea handler tomorrow. best believe there will be pics documenting me fondling her....ahem, thats, meeting her.

without further ado, these are my confessions and you would do well to head over to the glamazon's page and link up and see all the others confessing and having a blast doing so. who knows, you may even consider doing one of your own....and you ought to.

1. i am a star wars geek. not only have i seen all the movies, but i used to have a bunch of the toy figures, still in the package, and hanging on our wall. 'our wall' meaning my wife and i were married and had a child. i was in college at the time. SOOO many things i say about my dorkwad-ness, but that could get lengthy. im a dork. sue me. but if you sue me, i'll use the force on you and make your life miserable.

2. ive said it before (somewhere) but the word 'regularly' is near impossible for me to annunciate. i sound something like paula abdul on american idol. also, the word 'rural' is a close second.

3. unless you are lance armstrong, you should never ever wear those shimmery spandex by themselves. i mean, yuck

4. the toilet seat being left up is the worst complaint a woman can make. dont you folks check to see if its up before taking care of your business? i mean isnt the opposite also true? if i left it down, couldnt you also complain when you sat on a closed toilet and consequently peed on TOP of the toilet seat? im just sayin, if you're going to open it anyway, why would it matter if its open or closed. if you ask me, we're doing you favor.

5. grey poupon is a mystery to me. not only does it taste like a drunken concoction of mothballs and mustard, but they present themselves as an uppity type of mustard. the phrase 'poop on' is in your title yet you still arrogantly claim to be the bmw of mustard? whatever dude.

6. we spent $300 at whole foods the other day and our refrigerator STILL seems bare.

7. im not a 'daring' eater but i do love me some food. having said that, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, toast, and cereal is all i really need.

8. pineapples=great. pineapples on pizza= a disgusting mess. i mean thats like putting mayo on the bang bang shrimp at bonefish grill

9. i dont know how pop tarts made it passed the 'what is considered breakfast food' council, but dammit im glad they did. i love me some pop tarts. you HAVE to toast em though to get the full effect. eating them directly from the pack tastes good but still kinda boring. warming them makes them taste like rainbows and exclamation points and happiness. i mean what says breakfast better than sprinkles and icing and icing and sprinkles. put a candle in it and you've got a birthday cake. im going to design my own breakfast food comprised of cotton candy covered in toffee and jelly beans and it will come in two ways. pink and blue cotton candy covered in toffee and jelly beans. just warm it up and you're all set for breakfast and not to mention your sugar count through the year.

10. i dont know why i bother chewing corn. no matter how many times i mash em up, they still somehow 'come out' whole again if you catch my drift. its like the old cartoon voltron. all the parts would come together no matter the opposition. kinda like corn.

groupie love

well apparently my flighty and flippant posts have landed me some fine hardware. twice! my blackberry first notified me of the award when i received word while eating and running errands with the fam in tow, that terry had bestowed the honor upon me. ive only been following her for a short time, but she is simply silly and truthful as can be. you'll pick up on both within 2 seconds of clicking on her page. i got wind of the second award later in the evening, as small town girl also passed my the honor. more on her later. so after high fiving our waitress at pf changs, i immediately began to anticipate how i would go about posting my gratitude for the honor. the obvious choice was to of course write out an acceptance speech. so please picture me perched at a podium, after megan fox and darth vader read that ive in fact won the award, tearfully expressing these words:

(i first give miss fox a hug and slip her my number) i dont know where to start. i remember it like it was 19 years ago. i was the tender age of 14, and i dreamed of two things: meeting darth vader and winning this award. yeah thats right, before blogging or even this award was an actual thing, i wanted to win it. and now after tons of sleep deprived posts and the right combination of vino and randomness, im proud to stand here in front of you all, with this award in hand. whats not to love about it? a severed arm gripping a pick ax will look awesome on my page. there's so many people to thank. i'd like to thank God for entrusting me with a brain and outlook on life that rivals my son. he's 7. (wait for the crowd to calm down from the hysterical laughter at my cheesy and predictable joke). i'd also like to thank my wife for believing in me and pushing me to write by always telling me how weird i am. i'd also like

--im suddenly interrupted by a drunk and annoying kanye west--


me- hey man im just doing my thing. could you please remove yourself from this stage and let me enjoy this? besides, 'you two'? 'stages'? theres only one person getting an award here and theres only one stage you ass.


me- really kanye? you just repeated the same thing you just said?

kanye- WHAT?

me- you just repeated yourself and your talking in all caps and its really getting aggravating.


me- ass....

anyway, receiving this award, my very first award mind you, is humbling and sweet. you can imagine the hyperness, and yes i mean 'hyperness' because im like bouncing off walls and what not, i felt when i received an email notifying me of the award again! yup twice in one day (thats what she said). small town girl was gracious enough to present me with the award thus completing one of the top 5 best days in my life. anyway, the award comes along with a few rules. these rules are:

1. Brag about the award.
2. Include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger.
3. Choose a selection of blogs that you find brilliant in honest content.
4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.
5. List at least 10 honest things about yourself

1. sounds easy enough. i think ive more than arrogantly bragged about this whole thing.

2. ive also listed the ladies who so generously made my day.

3 & 4. so on to the 5 folks i will pass the awesomeness to with their links:

- miss lora over at 'fever' is a ridiculous ridiculous writer and by calling her writing ridiculous, i of course mean it doesnt suck. she has an uncanny knack for mixing wit and everything social with a realness that is hard to find. when she writes her first book and has an autograph signing at borders bookstore, im glad i wont have to stand in line with her sea of fans because she will have already mailed me my copy....right? also, she is involved in a great community project and all you have to do is click a button from her page. so you if you like helping people in need, please for heavens sake, just click the button.

- wymberley at 'texas britches' is a fellow texan. although this fact alone is worthy enough, i'll go on. ive been reading her page for a relatively short time and honestly dont remember how i stumbled upon her, but im glad i did. actually scratch that, i do remember how i found her page. i remember seeing her icon on someone's page and clicking on it solely because it was of mr. t. when i went to her page, not only did she have pictures of mr t, she also had some hilarious content. she is also a good ass photographer and her name is wymberley. i just like saying it because it sounds cool and i had never heard the name.

- next we have stella at 'tales of a supernova'. one day i told my wife that every time i go to her page, i feel refreshed. like im in a dream or some vision or something. and this is all BEFORE even reading her posts! i dont know if its the color scheme she uses or just her aura emanating through my keyboard. ive never met her but she has a sweet spirit that is evidenced in her posts. you well definitely find her posts intriguing and her take on 'spiritual matters' is always fresh and honest.

- then theres another fellow texan and crazy girl over at 'small town girl'. if you arent aware yet, she is the sole reason for my insane desire to be a sleep walker or at least fake like i am. and please believe im not kidding. she recently posted that she was in fact a sleepwalker and told a funny story about an incident she had. i then jokingly/seriously posted that i wished to be one as well, or fake that i am, and i literally could not stop thinking about this fact, days after she posted. she is a riot and you need to mosey on over and see for yourself.

- last but not least, we have choleesa at 'choleesas world'. i started following some time ago and when you go to her page you'll immediately see why. she is funny and the epitome of honesty. whether she's bagging on co-workers, EVEN THOUGH SOME OF CO-WORKERS KNOW SHE BLOGS ABOUT THEM, or telling a funny story she's experienced, or posting pictures, she will keep you coming back for more (thats what she said). i think her profile says it all. she says, 'i have a potty mouth and great legs.'...what else could you want in a woman?

and lastly, i must also put down ten honest things about myself. im going to feel really....'clean' after this because im also about to my friday confessional. so on with the purging:

1.if God came to me tomorrow and said that i had to choose between driving a minivan and holding a snake for 10 minutes, i would literally just drop dead on the spot.

2. i honestly look back at some of random things ive written here on my page and wonder, 'dude...are you serious right now?'

3. okay, ive said it before, but ive got to say it again, i really want to know what its like to be a sleep walker. aside from being able to do crazy stuff AND get away with it, do you know how much extra i could get done? i mean i could do housework AND sleep AND possibly not even remember doing it. the possibilities are endless.

4. i probably own more clothes and shoes than my wife. not only that, depending on the shirt, i'll sometimes buy the same shirt twice because i like it so much. and i dont mean when the first is unwearable. i mean i'll buy one on tuesday and another that thursday.

5. ive sadly been in jail. twice. and i dont mean to visit other people either.

6. my younger brother and i are actually the same age for 6 days.

7. i got married in college.

8. my family is the most important 'thing' in my life.

9. i hate the beach. mainly because sea creatures scare the hell out of me. so i choose to let them have their space and not to mention i dont really have use for a tan.

10. i really am humbled by this award. once i got the email notifying me of terry's post, i kept thinking aloud about the 10 things i would say and who i would give the award to. it was on my mind the entire night....dorky i know

so there you have it. i think/hope i covered it all. kanye has left the building and im about to follow suit. thank you again terry for thinking of lil ol' me. i would have posted last night but i got too tired after we got done with all our running around. not to mention the fact that my wife was 'all over me' (think horizontal mambo) after receiving the news of me winning the award. i think she's my groupie ; )

Thursday, April 8, 2010

short and sweet (thats what she said??)

the following pics were taken during my last trip to london. even the last one. there was this village of funny looking people...

saw this sign while walking around a park. i guess the gods toss lightning bolts in london.

well if you do, that show 'to catch a predator' will be at your door.

have no idea idea how this is even possible.

i imagine that ride across the atlantic was a bitch!

effing hilarious!!

Monday, April 5, 2010

the horizontal mambo...

i dont know what it is these days, but i havent been able to sit down and watch a movie. at home that is. my wife and i will start with the best of intentions and try and hang together to watch a flick, (not that kind of 'flick' ya perv) but before we even start the thing, we just get disinterested and say 'well maybe tomorrow.' tomorrow then becomes next week and next week soon becomes never. she usually falls asleep before me, (hell owls look at me in amazement because i stay up so late) so i started trying to watch movies on my own to no avail. i either dont start the movie at all, or within 15-20 minutes of starting the movie, im like '(while yawning)...this bores me.' ive tried and failed on three different occasions to watch the michael cera and jack black flick "year one". no lie, i think ive seen about 20 minutes of it total. and at this point i dont even remember what those twenty minutes entailed. anyway, i dont know if its us being worn out after the kids hit the sack, or if we're just restless bums and cant focus long enough to actually follow the storyline. actually going to the movies is no problem though. i can drink wine and eat nachos and follow along no problem. anyone else like this??

the last movie i saw at home was 'the invention of lying' directed and starring ricky gervais. the same genius who fathered 'the office'. i was in a hotel room somewhere and for some reason i hardly remember, but made it through the movie with only a bit of trouble. i did doze off twice but was able to rewind it so i didnt miss anything. im telling you, it was a good ass movie. yahoo movies explains the movie like this: In an alternate reality, lying -- even the concept of a lie -- does not even exist. Everyone -- from politicians to advertisers to the man and woman on the street -- speaks the truth and nothing but the truth with no thought of the consequences. But when a down-on-his-luck loser named Mark suddenly develops the ability to lie, he finds that dishonesty has its rewards.

i love gervais' wit and it shows all through the movie. NO ONE is able to lie and it makes for some awkward and hilarious interactions as you can imagine. this of course had me wondering how that would look in our world today if that were so. if lying didnt exist, the following would also not exist:

-me NOT telling my kids that im santa claus, the tooth fairy and the easter bunny.

- when i go to vegas with my friends and my son asks what im going for, i'd be forced to say, 'strippers, gambling and alcohol son. strippers, gambling and alcohol.'

- what about when husbands/boyfriends are asked by their significant other, 'does this make me look fat?'. imagine saying, 'no it doesnt make you look fat. you know what does make you look fat?....sight. its the fact that i can see you that makes you look fat.'

- when one of my single friends asked me whats the key to a happy marriage, i'd say, 'strippers, gambling, and alcohol bro. strippers, gambling and alcohol.'

- when my wife asks how she looks in something i may not particularly like, i'd have to be like, 'uhhh, that dress is hideous and you should probably take it yesterday.'

- when accosted by those annoying mall vendors, i'd be like 'no i dont wanna try your lotion so get the hell away from me you bothersome jerk!'

- when my kids ask about the 'noises' coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom, i'd have no choice but to say, 'well kids, its kinda hard (thats what she said) to explain. but seriously kids, there's this thing adults do called the horizontal mambo....'

- when sitting on a plane and your neighbor is aggravating the hell out of you, your next words would be, 'dude please. your halitosis infinitely infuriating and its giving me a nose-ache. if your going to keep talking, at least talk into the vomit bag.'

- upon seeing a guy in skinny jeans, i'd be like, 'hey man. hows that yeast infection coming and how exactly do you treat it?? also, when you purchased the jeans, did the store not have mirrors and did they come with an ass whooping too?'

- i would also have to be honest about school or at least what i think about school. particularly math. i mean unless you plan on working in the math field somewhere, beyond the 3rd grade really is a waste of time. i'd tell my oldest, 'trust me sweetie, ive seen your math work and there is ZERO chance of you being anywhere close to math field.'

no really it is. i was helping my daughter the other day with her math and i felt completely lost. did i mention she's in the 4th grade? really, i consider myself to be a pretty smart dude. im no brain surgeon or chemist, but im not a dullard either. i'd say im somewhere between bill gates and spencer pratt. i know thats a HUGE gap but you get my drift. at any rate, when she showed me her math problems, i was initially like, 'uhhh what the hell is this and why are they teaching you chinese??" we eventually worked it out, thanks to google, but i really struggled to not tell her that i honestly havent used alot of math as an adult. i dont remember the last time geometry was actually relevant in my day to day activities. i know what an octagon is, but more importantly i can read the word on it. i dont know what a trapezoid is mainly because NO ONE has mentioned the word to me in AT LEAST 20 years. for some reason i remember that pi=3.14 but as for its relevance, i only know that it tastes amazing with ice cream. i have no idea what a 'cosine' is and i suspect most adults dont. you know why they dont?....because its pointless to know. just listen to the definition of it and ask yourself, why is it necessary to know what it means: (in a right angled triangle) the ratio of the length of a side adjacent to one of the acute angles to the length of the hypotenuse....see what i mean? the only thing i know, and probably 95% of the world as well, about 'cosine' is that some people need someone to 'cosine' when their credit isnt great and they're really trying to purchase a vehicle. also, hypotenuse? that sounds like the term for a baby hippo or multiple hippos.

if we did in fact live in a world where lying wasnt possible, i would have no choice but to tell my daughter that math is severely over rated and that i really didnt mind if she cheated her way through the absurdness of it. i mean the only number she really needs to know is '1' because thats how many fingers it takes to work a calculator. i would tell her to focus on reading and writing and pass on the arithmetic because they hold more prominence and usefulness. i mean if you exceed in reading and writing you'll surely do well in life. if you exceed in math you'll most likely be a dork and single.

Friday, April 2, 2010

parry hotter and the lord of the nose rings

so here goes another edition of the confessional according to me. im a little under the weather and still feel my brain is in a fog so hopefully this thing goes okay. also, if you havent tried your hand at the friday confessional, you should quit being a pansy and do one.......or at least head over to the glamazon's page and check out all the other folks not being pansies ; )

anyway, here goes me being un-pansylike:

1. the obvious first confession is that i use the word 'pansy' regularly. i call everyone in my house a pansy, including the dog, for no apparent reason really. if my wife has a headache or some other ailment, serious or not, i'll say something like 'quit being a pansy and suck it up.' if my kids come into the room at night complaining of monsters under their bed or in their closet, i'll say 'quit being a pansy and go back to bed.' as a side note, the words 'sissy' and 'candy pants' are interchangeable. i think i borrowed candy pants from the homie devin and probably stole 'sissy' from my brother. another side note, the fact that there is a pink icon on my page with the word 'glamazon' written on it is in no way 'pansy-like'.

2. the last couple of days i havent been able to stop thinking about and, consequently, breaking out into random bursts of laughter when i think about a post from the small town girl. she was sharing that she was a sleepwalker and proceeded to share a funny ass episode of it. the main part of the story wasnt even what had me laughing the following days. in the beginning of her post she casually mentioned a few of the things she had done while sleep walking and one of those things was peeing in a dresser. you heard me correctly. im seriously laughing as i type now. i turned to my wife and told her what i had just read and could not stop laughing simply because of the mental picture that ensued. i then pictured myself doing that to my wifes drawer and if i did, what drawer what it be. so naturally i walked right on over to my dear wife's drawer and noticed the one about waist level is her sock drawer. i immediately started laughing again at the thought of my wife attempting to put on urine soaked socks. gross i know, but equally funny in my opinion. i also started thinking about other random things i could do as a sleepwalker and how bad it would suck if i took all the cold cuts/meat out the fridge and put them in her underwear drawer. that would be friggin hilarious. she'd probably be like 'sammy, can we put locks on the fridge at night? do you have any idea what lunch meat residue smells like on a crotch on a warm summer day?!'

3. i confess that i wish i was a sleepwalker. i mean what a way to do random silly stuff and get away with it. its like being drunk without the consequences of drunken behavior.

4. if i ever had a teacher named 'herb', 'dick', or 'basil' i mean, i could not take them seriously...seriously.

5. ive never seen a single solitary second of ANY of the following hits: the lord of the rings, harry potter, or twilight....calm down calm down ye faithful followers of these flicks. i know thats blasphemous to some folks, but i can say that i own the first twilight, i just havent watched it yet. or taken it out the plastic for that matter. i wouldnt mind getting caught up on these movies but as for parry hotter and the lord of the nose rings....remember im not a pansy soooooo.....

6. i honestly feel bad for lindsay lohan. i just want to give her a big and then look her straight in the eye and say, 'dammit stop effing up your life!'

7. i am not a fast driver by any means. other than the texting while driving, im pretty safe. maybe i should get a minivan because they apparently ALL drive ridiculously.....but then again theres confession number 1 soooooooo....

8. i hope small town girl is okay with me referencing her post and the sleepwalking/urinating in a drawer/also placing meats in the drawer. if not, im a texan too so when im there again, i'll buy you a drink or 10. (she also likes to drink)

9. i said last time that i love tats. as of today, i realized that i would love to get tatted by a girl.

10. i am soooo not impressed with white castle burgers. all i can visualize when i eat them is a bun soaked in vinegar??

11. typically when my wife reads my posts, or talks to me, she always laughs and says, 'you're sooo a good way though.' for some reason its starting to get somewhat offensive. the other night we were heading out to a romantic dinner and a movie when she asked me what all females ask their mates, 'hey how does this look?' i look her up and down and say 'haha are you wearing that?? you look a good way.'...hey its her own fault. its not like i say a bunch of silly and nonsensical stuff all the time and bring on the 'you're weird comments.'....wait. yeah i do....well its her own fault because no one asked her to marry me and.........shit.

i cant tell if i just confessed that im offended by the weird thing -or- that i confessed i am weird.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


i woke up this morning before my alarm annoyed me enough to finally get up. i mean considerably earlier than i have it set. i keep it set for 6am, but today i got up at o'dark 30....aka, 430. this is usually a crappy and unfortunate start to the day, but today was different. today is one of those days that arrive at just the right moment and are, to say the least, a perfect gift from the heavens.

ive been sick as dog and speaking of dogs, its been raining them and cats and squirrels and fruit and frying pans. no joke. but today none of that seemed to matter. over the last few days, when my alarm buzzed me awake, it felt as if satan himself sat indian style on my face while eating indian food the entire night if you catch my drift. i felt like a number 3 pencil on test day and some kind of dreary dirge should be played as i slowly crept down the stairs to start my day. my head pounded from the habitual and persistent coughing and my body ached as if rust traveled through my veins. but all of that was gone today. the thing is im still sick and for the life of me, cannot figure out what i did differently last night that led to such an awe inspiring day. coupled with an aura that rivaled ghandi, i kissed the kids warm foreheads as they slept, put on my best hoodie and went about the days errands with the fervor of a new mom.

if i could somehow figure out what was/is the catalyst to such a day, i would bottle it and sell it and make a fortune. i'd put it in a pipe and smoke it each and every night. i'd pour it in a flask and slowly sip the magical elixir all day. because whatever i did or dreamed is making me feel, not just on top of the world, but like i personally own the world. i used to hate spanish class in high school and today i not only feel like i got an 'A' on a dreaded and useless test, but like i invented the spanish language.

everything is, or at least seems, perfect. the birds singing outside doesnt just sound like noise, but its actually pleasant. all the 'right' songs played while driving about. or maybe its not that the right songs played, i just heard them differently. there were no minivans doing 80 mph in a 20 or 20 in an 80. hell i would even consider driving a minivan today. today my singing even sounded less atrocious and terrible so i know something has to be up. my wifes legs felt extra smooth and this very smoothness is about the only thing that could keep in the bed this morning. perfect.

its often stated that, in this life, we will always have to deal with adversity. we seem to move from one bombshell to the next no matter how many books we read or prayers we offer. adversity is indeed inevitable. because of this inevitableness, there's a certain 'glow' that ensues when we survey our life and things are going even moderately well. you know when relationships are budding, the kids are growing into pleasant human beings (even the boy), career is progressing well, the dog made his business outside, you either had a good hair day or you lost less than the previous weeks, you returned your movie rental having actually watched the movie and it was on time, or whatever causes that 'glow' from you. but then like steam from a hot shower, fear consumes the arena. the glow quickly fades and instead of savoring the moment, the onset of pessimism seems to cause me to simply sit and embrace for the next blast. or should i say, the birds get annoying and actually, my wifes legs arent all that silky. as the angry beast called pessimism moves in, i realize the shrapnel from the last attack still lingers and aches my soul. i often find myself just waiting for the next one. expecting them. im no longer living life, im simply existing. again this is no fault on me really. as i stated, tragedy can and will strike at any moment. despair preys on peace and anguish lies in wait of joy. as i enjoy this rarity of a day, i get a picture of this and why i should hold the pessimism at bay. the rain here has subsided but i must know that at some point the sun will be overpowered by storm clouds again, drenching everything under heaven. BUT, for the time being, it is foolish of me to not enjoy the present. i suffer a great loss to not take pleasure in all those small and under appreciated gifts that encircle me daily. how can i not enjoy now because of what may happen down the road? again, its a safe estimation to say that something contrary to what i wish or desire will happen, but i dont know the when. so for me, it would seem all the more beneficial to cling to and relish the silkiness of my wife's skin and the rain finally subsiding as i now experience it, because im certain the downpour looms. what 'downpour' do you fear?

About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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