the horizontal mambo...

i dont know what it is these days, but i havent been able to sit down and watch a movie. at home that is. my wife and i will start with the best of intentions and try and hang together to watch a flick, (not that kind of 'flick' ya perv) but before we even start the thing, we just get disinterested and say 'well maybe tomorrow.' tomorrow then becomes next week and next week soon becomes never. she usually falls asleep before me, (hell owls look at me in amazement because i stay up so late) so i started trying to watch movies on my own to no avail. i either dont start the movie at all, or within 15-20 minutes of starting the movie, im like '(while yawning)...this bores me.' ive tried and failed on three different occasions to watch the michael cera and jack black flick "year one". no lie, i think ive seen about 20 minutes of it total. and at this point i dont even remember what those twenty minutes entailed. anyway, i dont know if its us being worn out after the kids hit the sack, or if we're just restless bums and cant focus long enough to actually follow the storyline. actually going to the movies is no problem though. i can drink wine and eat nachos and follow along no problem. anyone else like this??

the last movie i saw at home was 'the invention of lying' directed and starring ricky gervais. the same genius who fathered 'the office'. i was in a hotel room somewhere and for some reason i hardly remember, but made it through the movie with only a bit of trouble. i did doze off twice but was able to rewind it so i didnt miss anything. im telling you, it was a good ass movie. yahoo movies explains the movie like this: In an alternate reality, lying -- even the concept of a lie -- does not even exist. Everyone -- from politicians to advertisers to the man and woman on the street -- speaks the truth and nothing but the truth with no thought of the consequences. But when a down-on-his-luck loser named Mark suddenly develops the ability to lie, he finds that dishonesty has its rewards.

i love gervais' wit and it shows all through the movie. NO ONE is able to lie and it makes for some awkward and hilarious interactions as you can imagine. this of course had me wondering how that would look in our world today if that were so. if lying didnt exist, the following would also not exist:

-me NOT telling my kids that im santa claus, the tooth fairy and the easter bunny.

- when i go to vegas with my friends and my son asks what im going for, i'd be forced to say, 'strippers, gambling and alcohol son. strippers, gambling and alcohol.'

- what about when husbands/boyfriends are asked by their significant other, 'does this make me look fat?'. imagine saying, 'no it doesnt make you look fat. you know what does make you look fat?....sight. its the fact that i can see you that makes you look fat.'

- when one of my single friends asked me whats the key to a happy marriage, i'd say, 'strippers, gambling, and alcohol bro. strippers, gambling and alcohol.'

- when my wife asks how she looks in something i may not particularly like, i'd have to be like, 'uhhh, that dress is hideous and you should probably take it back....like yesterday.'

- when accosted by those annoying mall vendors, i'd be like 'no i dont wanna try your lotion so get the hell away from me you bothersome jerk!'

- when my kids ask about the 'noises' coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom, i'd have no choice but to say, 'well kids, its kinda hard (thats what she said) to explain. but seriously kids, there's this thing adults do called the horizontal mambo....'

- when sitting on a plane and your neighbor is aggravating the hell out of you, your next words would be, 'dude please. your halitosis infinitely infuriating and its giving me a nose-ache. if your going to keep talking, at least talk into the vomit bag.'

- upon seeing a guy in skinny jeans, i'd be like, 'hey man. hows that yeast infection coming and how exactly do you treat it?? also, when you purchased the jeans, did the store not have mirrors and did they come with an ass whooping too?'

- i would also have to be honest about school or at least what i think about school. particularly math. i mean unless you plan on working in the math field somewhere, beyond the 3rd grade really is a waste of time. i'd tell my oldest, 'trust me sweetie, ive seen your math work and there is ZERO chance of you being anywhere close to math field.'



no really it is. i was helping my daughter the other day with her math and i felt completely lost. did i mention she's in the 4th grade? really, i consider myself to be a pretty smart dude. im no brain surgeon or chemist, but im not a dullard either. i'd say im somewhere between bill gates and spencer pratt. i know thats a HUGE gap but you get my drift. at any rate, when she showed me her math problems, i was initially like, 'uhhh what the hell is this and why are they teaching you chinese??" we eventually worked it out, thanks to google, but i really struggled to not tell her that i honestly havent used alot of math as an adult. i dont remember the last time geometry was actually relevant in my day to day activities. i know what an octagon is, but more importantly i can read the word on it. i dont know what a trapezoid is mainly because NO ONE has mentioned the word to me in AT LEAST 20 years. for some reason i remember that pi=3.14 but as for its relevance, i only know that it tastes amazing with ice cream. i have no idea what a 'cosine' is and i suspect most adults dont. you know why they dont?....because its pointless to know. just listen to the definition of it and ask yourself, why is it necessary to know what it means: (in a right angled triangle) the ratio of the length of a side adjacent to one of the acute angles to the length of the hypotenuse....see what i mean? the only thing i know, and probably 95% of the world as well, about 'cosine' is that some people need someone to 'cosine' when their credit isnt great and they're really trying to purchase a vehicle. also, hypotenuse? that sounds like the term for a baby hippo or multiple hippos.

if we did in fact live in a world where lying wasnt possible, i would have no choice but to tell my daughter that math is severely over rated and that i really didnt mind if she cheated her way through the absurdness of it. i mean the only number she really needs to know is '1' because thats how many fingers it takes to work a calculator. i would tell her to focus on reading and writing and pass on the arithmetic because they hold more prominence and usefulness. i mean if you exceed in reading and writing you'll surely do well in life. if you exceed in math you'll most likely be a dork and single.