spanx and the clap

as ive mentioned a few times, this really is me. well minus the body shaped like chewed gum, magenta coloring, and hat that magically stays put even though its not actually touching the scalp. at any given moment, 10 different things could be stomping about my head. whats really odd is that at any given moment, there could also be 0 things going through my head. but definitely im more inclined to be juggling 10 or 20 things and really the only people that know that are those closest to me. ie the wife, kids, pals, and the barista's at starbucks.

im still trying to figure that one out. i guess thats why blogging/writing is so appealing to me. it quite literally is a nice 'release'. my head reminds me of one of those huge auditorium classrooms. they're really loud, there are several conversations going on about god knows what and then...the teacher walks in to take the podium. all of a sudden there is a hush swarming the class. thats what writing is to me. when i write, i feel that hush that lasts only for the duration of the class or when im done writing. sometimes i can harness all that hustle and bustle and stay on at least one topic or two or three....

well today is not one of those days. so consider my brain scattered and unharnessable?? (judging by the red line under the word unharnessable, im assuming its not a word.)


so please take that into consideration when reading the next few blips. (really? 'blips' is a word but unharnessable isnt? whatever spell check)....



- first off, march 23 is a significant day for several people. the following people share the same berfday:
actress keri russel, chaka khan( is on my ipod), singer ric ocasek from 'the cars'(also on my ipod), perez hilton, and sir roger bannister, the first person to run a mile under 4 minutes, and this fellow....






which is me by the way. consequently, march 10 is my son's berfday. he shares this berfdayy with none other than chuck effing norris!!! considering ive been known to make up a chuck norris joke or two, i find this completely awesome.


- i usually camp out at the local borders bookstore to read, write, or arithmetic. they have free wi-fi, books, a turkey sausage omlette sandwich, and of course one of my favorite drinks. the mighty mango smoothie drink made by the people of 'naked'. it comes in two sizes and they have the smaller one which is hard to find. the only negatives ive found thus far are:

there is this one guy that is ALWAYS here. he's an odd fixture because he doesnt do anything. meaning most people here type, read, study, etc, but creep face just sits on one of the couches eating raisinettes and drinking a fanta. two of the more random brands around mind you and who the hell eats raisinettes anyway?? they look like huge hamster pellets and they're RAISINS! yuck. anyway creep face is always here doing nothing and its just weird. today he was actually sleeping. my mission is to soon sneak a pic so you guys can see this bookstore dweller.

this place doesnt have the biggest sitting area, which isnt a problem necessarily, except when the annoying cell phone talkers take the stage. this borders seems to be a breeding ground for these inconsiderate human beings. this one guy got on the phone talking to someone and all i heard was something about '...no this isnt important, i just wanted to try and touch base with her before i got there.' alright. first of all, if you have to use your phone, at least shut your face enough so the people around dont want to stone you. secondly, if it isnt important, please do not bless us with your phone call and go outside. or off a cliff, whatever is more convenient.



- i was reminded today of the memorable things kids say. i lived in florida for three years and all the locals thought my wife was hispanic and always defaulted to speaking spanish to her....well they did that to me too, but thats besides the point. one day at target, this lady comes up to my wife and says:

her--habla espanol?
wifey-- no. no habla espanol
her--(in broken english) oh , your kids. very beautiful
wifey-- oh thank you. i mean, gracias

my oldest daughter says kinda smart ass like:

smartypants-- uhh, what did you say to her??
wifey-- i said i didnt speak spanish
smartypants-- no you didnt. you said 'no habla something something'
wifey-- i know. i told her i didnt speak spanish in spanish.
smartypants-- (carefully mulling what she just heard)....uhhhh, but you spoke spanish? right?
wifey-- whatever smart ass


- one day i was singing in the car with all the kids in tow. my middle daughter says, 'dad, i wish god would have made your voice better.'.....thanks smart ass


- in the game paper, rock, scissors, how is that paper beats a rock?


- on the way to borders, i was reminded of a few things concerning my musical tastes (other than the fact i cant sing). i have a variety of artists on my ipod. while shuffling through looking for the right song, i went from lil wayne, to jay z, to kings of leon, to michael buble, to al green, to the drifters, and back to TI....it amazes me that michael buble is on my ipod and im not exactly sure why. maybe its because i think of bubbles every time his name scrolls across my dashboard and grown men shouldnt be thinking of bubbles unless they are in the front yard with their kids. also kings of leon is great, but 'sex is on fire' is an odd choice of title considering the relationship between 'sex' and 'fire'. oh well, i guess its better than their original name of the song 'your sex is like the clap'.


- you know how people use the word 'literally' all the time to describe something just completely outlandish? like 'this guy at borders is literally the most annoying bookstore dweller.' well most times they dont mean it, they just use it to get across how outlandish something or someone is......well forget all that when i say that 'howard the duck' is LITERALLY the worst movie ever. seriously, i dont know who wrote it, but how high was that guy?


-did you know that spanx is now made for men? all i gotta say is FINALLY!


- while going through airport security, instead of assigning men to men and women to women, you should be able to choose if you want a man or woman to rub you...i mean pat you down.


- have you seen those ups white board commercials? what is the deal with that guys hair? its shaped like a capital 'M' and he looks like he's straight off the set of shooting a movie based on camelot.


- and lastly, on the way here i saw one of those huge trucks carrying a house on the highway. you know the ones that have that captain obvious sign that reads 'WIDE LOAD'. i wondered if that sign was actually necessary. i mean it may just be me, but the fact that a HOUSE, is on the road, is sign enough. no? its not like before the creation of the sign people were just driving along then they all of a sudden jumped back in their seat screaming 'hey! what the hell! why didnt someone warn me!?!?'




...and now the silence is over and im back to the loudness.