Wednesday, March 24, 2010

spanx and the clap

as ive mentioned a few times, this really is me. well minus the body shaped like chewed gum, magenta coloring, and hat that magically stays put even though its not actually touching the scalp. at any given moment, 10 different things could be stomping about my head. whats really odd is that at any given moment, there could also be 0 things going through my head. but definitely im more inclined to be juggling 10 or 20 things and really the only people that know that are those closest to me. ie the wife, kids, pals, and the barista's at starbucks.

im still trying to figure that one out. i guess thats why blogging/writing is so appealing to me. it quite literally is a nice 'release'. my head reminds me of one of those huge auditorium classrooms. they're really loud, there are several conversations going on about god knows what and then...the teacher walks in to take the podium. all of a sudden there is a hush swarming the class. thats what writing is to me. when i write, i feel that hush that lasts only for the duration of the class or when im done writing. sometimes i can harness all that hustle and bustle and stay on at least one topic or two or three....

well today is not one of those days. so consider my brain scattered and unharnessable?? (judging by the red line under the word unharnessable, im assuming its not a word.)

so please take that into consideration when reading the next few blips. (really? 'blips' is a word but unharnessable isnt? whatever spell check)....

- first off, march 23 is a significant day for several people. the following people share the same berfday:
actress keri russel, chaka khan( is on my ipod), singer ric ocasek from 'the cars'(also on my ipod), perez hilton, and sir roger bannister, the first person to run a mile under 4 minutes, and this fellow....

which is me by the way. consequently, march 10 is my son's berfday. he shares this berfdayy with none other than chuck effing norris!!! considering ive been known to make up a chuck norris joke or two, i find this completely awesome.

- i usually camp out at the local borders bookstore to read, write, or arithmetic. they have free wi-fi, books, a turkey sausage omlette sandwich, and of course one of my favorite drinks. the mighty mango smoothie drink made by the people of 'naked'. it comes in two sizes and they have the smaller one which is hard to find. the only negatives ive found thus far are:

there is this one guy that is ALWAYS here. he's an odd fixture because he doesnt do anything. meaning most people here type, read, study, etc, but creep face just sits on one of the couches eating raisinettes and drinking a fanta. two of the more random brands around mind you and who the hell eats raisinettes anyway?? they look like huge hamster pellets and they're RAISINS! yuck. anyway creep face is always here doing nothing and its just weird. today he was actually sleeping. my mission is to soon sneak a pic so you guys can see this bookstore dweller.

this place doesnt have the biggest sitting area, which isnt a problem necessarily, except when the annoying cell phone talkers take the stage. this borders seems to be a breeding ground for these inconsiderate human beings. this one guy got on the phone talking to someone and all i heard was something about ' this isnt important, i just wanted to try and touch base with her before i got there.' alright. first of all, if you have to use your phone, at least shut your face enough so the people around dont want to stone you. secondly, if it isnt important, please do not bless us with your phone call and go outside. or off a cliff, whatever is more convenient.

- i was reminded today of the memorable things kids say. i lived in florida for three years and all the locals thought my wife was hispanic and always defaulted to speaking spanish to her....well they did that to me too, but thats besides the point. one day at target, this lady comes up to my wife and says:

her--habla espanol?
wifey-- no. no habla espanol
her--(in broken english) oh , your kids. very beautiful
wifey-- oh thank you. i mean, gracias

my oldest daughter says kinda smart ass like:

smartypants-- uhh, what did you say to her??
wifey-- i said i didnt speak spanish
smartypants-- no you didnt. you said 'no habla something something'
wifey-- i know. i told her i didnt speak spanish in spanish.
smartypants-- (carefully mulling what she just heard)....uhhhh, but you spoke spanish? right?
wifey-- whatever smart ass

- one day i was singing in the car with all the kids in tow. my middle daughter says, 'dad, i wish god would have made your voice better.'.....thanks smart ass

- in the game paper, rock, scissors, how is that paper beats a rock?

- on the way to borders, i was reminded of a few things concerning my musical tastes (other than the fact i cant sing). i have a variety of artists on my ipod. while shuffling through looking for the right song, i went from lil wayne, to jay z, to kings of leon, to michael buble, to al green, to the drifters, and back to amazes me that michael buble is on my ipod and im not exactly sure why. maybe its because i think of bubbles every time his name scrolls across my dashboard and grown men shouldnt be thinking of bubbles unless they are in the front yard with their kids. also kings of leon is great, but 'sex is on fire' is an odd choice of title considering the relationship between 'sex' and 'fire'. oh well, i guess its better than their original name of the song 'your sex is like the clap'.

- you know how people use the word 'literally' all the time to describe something just completely outlandish? like 'this guy at borders is literally the most annoying bookstore dweller.' well most times they dont mean it, they just use it to get across how outlandish something or someone is......well forget all that when i say that 'howard the duck' is LITERALLY the worst movie ever. seriously, i dont know who wrote it, but how high was that guy?

-did you know that spanx is now made for men? all i gotta say is FINALLY!

- while going through airport security, instead of assigning men to men and women to women, you should be able to choose if you want a man or woman to rub you...i mean pat you down.

- have you seen those ups white board commercials? what is the deal with that guys hair? its shaped like a capital 'M' and he looks like he's straight off the set of shooting a movie based on camelot.

- and lastly, on the way here i saw one of those huge trucks carrying a house on the highway. you know the ones that have that captain obvious sign that reads 'WIDE LOAD'. i wondered if that sign was actually necessary. i mean it may just be me, but the fact that a HOUSE, is on the road, is sign enough. no? its not like before the creation of the sign people were just driving along then they all of a sudden jumped back in their seat screaming 'hey! what the hell! why didnt someone warn me!?!?'

...and now the silence is over and im back to the loudness.


Stella said...

That post is like one long delightfully worded challenge to me--let's see if I can give some back.

Happy Birthday, although your son's is cooler because I grew up watching Chuck Effling Norris and Bruce Lee battle it out, it's the reason I got a pair of Nun Chucks for my birthday when I was nine AND I learned how to use them. I thought they were called NUMB Chucks and were named after Norris himself and that he would beat the hell out of you until you were, well, numb.

I frequent books stores too, one handy one in SLC, UT that I went to was full of said dweller...only, he interrupted my reading of Chuck Palunihuk to yell across the way that I needed to "STOP STARING AT ME!!!"--and creep face said it so creepily that everyone looked at ME--like I was the creep face and I wanted to point to the creep face that had just yelled, mind you, in a store, mind you, that HE was the actual creep face.

I sometimes don't know how Bluble is on my iPod too, only worse is the fact that I think I just might have a Josh Groban song..

Good, men in girdles, it's about time we returned to French fashion.

Happy Birthday for real, and just so you know I mean it, I'll say it in French--

Joyeux Anniversaire

Sheliza said...

holy crap that was a mouthful! I don't think I took a single breath whilst reading :) Why the hell do people think it's acceptable to have a cell phone convo for all the world to hear? Spanx for men?? hmm, won't that upset the boys?? just sayin'. I love all the randomness and I love all the crazy things our kids say, even if they are smartasses!!

Sheliza said...

btw, I grew up in Miami and ALWAYS got spoken to in Spanish. I am 100% Indian and they still swore I was Cuban.

The Weckler said...

I wonder if tsa would start charging for their 'services'? Would you get your choice of confiscated oils and lotions?!

Kembree said...

Aren't Spanx that same thing as you guys call your 'tights'? And Under Armor! Hope you had a tame birthday, I'm sure you needed it!

Kembree said...

And I get Spanish in Miami all the time too! I used to know practice makes unperfect!

Anonymous said...

i think cell phones should be banned in a bookstore. it is probably the one place i can still go to and relax. i love a book almost as much as i love chocolate...

...and while we're on chocolate--i also love raisinettes :)

bananas. said...

HA! your daughter is mini me!!! bwahahahahaha!!! jk.

i like a good smart ass especially when they make me laugh.

happy birthday to you and your son btw :)

dragyonfly said...

Hoppy Bird day to big and little Sammys...I hope you get a spanking, um i mean spanxing.

This here post generated a new Anacrony-ism...CGOL...continual giggling out loud.

Hokay, so. The king of creepy faces was out this lover-ly week at our local Greyhound bust station. Why, you may ask was I at the Greyhound bus station? Well, I was seeing my daughter off to her new city.
Hokay...So, anyway. This wacked out crackhead freekazoid creepy face in front of the lady who was in front of my daughter, whirled around, then he commenced to punching the lady talking to my daughter, and then headed for my daughter, who by the way, takes NO Shit offa crazy ass Memphians. She shoved him away so then he punched a lady behind her and all this HOOHAA made the bus late leaving.
So just thank your lucky stars your bookstore creepface is passive and just eats goobers and raisinetters.


Small Town Girl said...

You come up with the best titles. I completely followed you with all that randomness. I've always wanted to like raisinettes just because that commercial was so catchy.

The Catons said...

that is super cool that you and Kade share a bday...BUT did you get to go to Chuck E Cheese for your bday?? I mean, I'm just wonderin'.

Happy bday bud!! hope you have a great one!!!

Linda Medrano said...

I hate cell phones. And Who is that creepy guy???

Joe said...

OK sam.......sorry i couldn't respond to this via text...Something is worrying me...As I read these blogs, I find myself getting sucked into the scenario you describe. Actually, it's more like watching those documenataries on serial killers, you keep trying to figure out how they think of this stuff!!! here's my thoughts on your instability....
1. I think the "creepy guy" at borders just observes and then goes home and blogs about YOU!! Because if you notice him, he obviously notices a large tattooed black man sipping a mango drink!
2. In your bizarro world, he thinks YOUR hispanic.
3. He thinks he can sing better than you!
4. He thinks, "yeah, he's muscular and all, but I can beat him in Rock,Paper, Scissors!
5. He thinks if he pretends to sleep, then that menacing, tattooed, hispanic/black man won't keep staring at me!
6. The whole reason he is in there in the first place, is because he is waiting on his house to be delivered that you saw on the highway!
Now that I say all this, he may be your alter-ego or even your nemesis like Lex Luther!
Back to reality, I am mailing you a supplement I want you to start taking for your knee and hips......don't worry, its legal! Not that "legal" means anything to you after your Vegas trip!! LOL!
Be Blessed

About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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