Wednesday, March 10, 2010

midnite surfing in the english channel and snacks

wait. what does that title read? damn. its supposed to say, 'channel surfing and midnite snacks'. i do apologize, damn lis-dexia. its late and im up late channel surfing. if you think about it, the only reason people channel surf is because everything sux just enough to actually keep you awake and take notice of it. especially the commercials. i always find myself being over critical of all the products being sold or basically whatever i see. although i must say, i saw a commercial for the movie 'alice in wonderland', which ive actually seen twice already, and to my surprise, it was a damn good movie. one of the best ive seen in a while. although, going in i didnt have much hope for it. i was just going to be a good dad and accompany my kids, eat some candy and just take the 'L.' i swore i was going to leave there saying the same thing i did after my first failed encounter with a girl and her bra, 'what the f*ck??'.


whatever happened to the lone ranger? know what i never understood about the LONE ranger? that he had a side kick. yeah, the LONE ranger had a side kick?? would you agree that that is both confusing and misleading? i mean at first we're all like, 'hey check out this new badass! he's so badass, he rides and fights alone!...wait what? you have a side kick?...you have a side kick and his name is tonto??'...confusing right? i mean calling yourself the LONE ranger implies that you do things alone. you're a rebel of sorts. that'd be like my brother and i being the comprising members of a band called 'the triplets'. remember his signature signing off quote? 'hi yo silver! away!'(or something to that effect)....yeah more like 'hi yo silver, and tonto, and james, and charles, and paulie, AWAY!' (to get more help that is).



when will snickers stop galavanting around like its some kind of nutritional bar? on the side of the wrapper, the nutritional facts actually say: peanuts, chocolate, and blubber yet all the commercials continue to show it like its a good choice of snack to get one from lunch to dinner or something. speaking of candy bars, who the hell does the marketing for that candy bar 100 grand?? ive never seen a commercial. never seen anyone eating one except during halloween and even then they are only the fun size sort. you know what, even when a store happens to carry them in the 'impulse aisle' by the registers, there's hardly ever a bar missing from the box.


speaking of blubber, did you know mcdonalds has a burger wrap?? i purposely ended that question with two question marks because i wanted to seem extra emphatic about wanting to know why they have......a burger.....in a wrap??


does the pseudo chocolate drink 'yoo-hoo' still exist? well other than in sodom and gomorrah i mean. that was/is the most watery tasting, fake chocolate drink ever. if you've never tasted this mess of drink, i think ive got a pretty good comparison for you. you know how if you were to put ice into a glass of REAL chocolate milk and chug it down and loudly belch, there would still be traces of the chocolate milk in the glass and around the ice? well all the makers of yoo hoo did was let that ice melt and bottle it. i googled it and you know where you can actually buy yoo-hoo? at the office depot. if that, and the fact that its called 'chocolate drink' and not 'chocolate milk' doesnt offend you, then i dont know what will.


i guess all these damn food commercials is what leads to all the crazy snacking i do at insane hours. i mean, grilled cheese and eggs doesnt sound overly enticing or anything during the day, but after dark its like my kitchen becomes some trendy italian delicatessen and this is my specialty. maybe i'll match it with a glass of midnight champagne. how classy would that be?! i make the worst food choices while up this late too. (i guess ANY choice is a bad choice at this hour). then again, having grilled cheese and eggs isnt all that bad because there are worse things out there. i am quite positive the 8lb bag of cheetos was ALL bad. you ever notice how quiet the house is when your up raiding the pantry, refrigerator and everything edible and how much louder EVERY normal activity is? really. when i opened the bag of cheetos it sounded like they were wrapped in cymbals as i clanged about my cupboard.


anyway, its late and now that ive finished raising my cholesterol levels, its now time to lay my weary body down. although im still upset about the whole lone ranger thing and him being a fraud. the lone ranger. yeah more like 'the tandem ranger'. sheesh, just when you think you can count on somebody.

7 comments:

Lizzi said...

what is it about staying up into the wee hours that makes the mind go on overdrive?

i think wraps are quite possibly the stupidest food invention ever. more than yoo-hoo, which i kinda like.

The Catons said...

this whole post is pure genious...and freakin hilarious!! good stuff, my man...good stuff

JMH said...

Re: 100 grand - Actually not a candy bar, but 100 rolled up $1000 bills, mostly counterfeit, covered in chocolate. Not many people know that. The fun sizes are only 10 grand.

Re: Big Mac Wrap - tastes exactly like shame. Delicious shame.

Goldstein Family said...

You and Kyle need to get together! His favorite time to eat is between 11pm-1am! You are so right about the chip bag too. I get so mad that he's going to wake our kids with his late night munchies! Tell Lil Sammy happy birthday from us!

Alix said...

Tandem Ranger!!!! LOL

You're right though. Lone Ranger having a posse is just a contradiction of his essence. On the other hand, Tonto was an injun. Not a Ranger. So... technically if not ethically, he was still a lone Ranger.

My head hurts.

By the way... I used to LOVE 100 Grand bars. And sadly Yoo Hoo is alive and well in the South. I could never bring myself to drink one though. Chocolate should NOT be translucent. But I hear Yoo Hoos go great with Moon Pies.

bananas. said...

grilled cheese and egg sounds like something i would LOVE after 10pm.

i swear the crap i eat after that time should all be called 'blubber'. and that just reminds me that i need to work out...gawd darnit.

Stella said...

wait, there is a burger in a wrap? that's just batshit crazy.

I live in a town with no fast food. Can you believe THAT? It's probably one of the last places in the world that can say that.

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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