Friday, March 26, 2010

UNconventional ovens

so first things first, im starting to feel somewhat normal again and recovered from that little spot out in the desert. i actually did plan to post my confessional ramblings live from sin city, but.........well its vegas and on friday my brain was similar to a mosh pit. except instead of people bashing into each other while loud music blares in the background, i was in the fetal position, with a shirt, socks and underwear on sleeping on top of my covers with a headache the size of dolly parton's bra. im serious. my boys in attendance unfortunately have pictures to prove it. the sleeping thing i mean not dolly's bra. we can all see that without needing proof in pictures.

having said that, i am officially back in the confessional and rearing to go. im actually typing this on thursday afternoon and have it set to post at 6:59am sharp! so like marvin gaye said, lets get it on....just not in the sexual way of course

1) first off, if you read my last post, you'll remember i mentioned there was this guy that just sits in the back of borders bookstore and does nothing but make horrible food/snack choices. and those horrible choices are of course rasinettes and fanta. he doesnt read a book, a magazine, write, type, or anything you would think a person would do when they made the decision to go to the bookstore. well he's here again today and he's doing the SAME DAMN THING! i even tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he maybe finished reading before i got there or something like that, but i beat him here today. this is how mr creep face starts his borders bookstore trip and its just w-e-i-r-d. and he's always got this weird look on his face like he's thinking 'aww damn who farted?'. probably you creepy. probably you.

...and as promised, here's the pic courtesy of my wife. i had my back to him and didnt want to turn around to sneak the pic so i had her do the dirty work....

2) my car has a name and she's a girl and her name is rachel.

3) i wish each day had an additional 4-5 hours added to it.....well in the late am actually. like maybe if at midnight the time would then go to 13, 14, 15, 16 o'clock before starting at 1am. that would be some serious late night snacking and doing absolutely nothing time. hell for that many hours i'd start scrapbooking.

4) if you've ever ordered something from qvc, we may have unofficially met. also, if you've ever ordered something from qvc, odds are you're one lame cookie. i used to work there and it was unbelievably boring. they sell the lamest stuff imaginable, all the callers wanted to be on the air with the hosts so they could tell them how much they loved the lame ass pink and purple outfit they ordered.

5) i love tattoos and will be adding more to me in april.(i know that sounds weird but i like how it sounds)

6) ive ingested spam less than 1 time in my life. i saw a slab of it at the grocery store, or should i say, IT saw me because i swear that stuff is alive. out of curiosity, i read the directions on the can and they said: 1) eat spam 2) prepare a will 3) experience massive diarrhea 4) die

7) i get amused fairly easily (as if this blog wasnt clue enough). sometimes while letting our dog out to use the bathroom, i'll pull back the door but not the screen door and she'll run into it. thats hilarious to me. i used to do it to my little brother but mom made me stop.

8) having said that, i also get annoyed just as easily. i find capri pants and flip flops completely, ridiculously, insanely, and....completely annoying. on men that is. i dont even even know exactly know what the deal is with flip flops but its a major issue in my life. maybe its the fork on a chalkboard annoying sound they make. and when they're paired with jeans, i could remove my eyes on the spot to keep from seeing the silliness and be fine with it! the other day i was at the mall and the sales clerk was telling me about all the new items they had in and when he mentioned they had capris i was literally offended. put it this way, if a guy came into borders wearing capris and flip flops while yapping away on his phone, i'd swear i was in purgatory. if he was wearing clown make up and carrying a doll i'd be in hell.

--i guess the obvious next confession is--

9) i hate clowns and dolls. my kids always make fun of me because their dolls and me DO NOT get along and they think im afraid of them. to which i state that im not afraid, i just dont like em. they just in turn continue to laugh and make fun of me. i just say, 'well at least theres no monsters under my bed! and you know what, im the tooth fairy and santa claus!'.....i love my kids. i guess that pretty much seals the deal with me winning the 'dad of the year' award.

10) i had an egg roll and frosted flakes at 3am the other night and surprisingly it didnt agree with my stomach.

11) seeing people wear turtlenecks is like driving by a highway wreck. i just cannot stop staring and thinking, 'wow whats going on? i cant believe that just happened! this guy is really wearing a turtleneck.'

12) cooking shows are pretty cool. you can find a new recipe from the likes of rachel ray or martha stewart and i guess thats pretty cool. but what i find weird is how the audience applauds when they add the oregano or chop some chicken or do anything else to the food. what if people at home clapped when rachel added the seasoning to the cous cous. wouldnt that be weird?

...oh and the word 'delish' should be bleeped every time she says it.

and finally...

13)...alright. bear with me on this one okay.....(okay. here goes nothing)....

sometimes i wish i had one of those hellish mother-in-law relationships. i dont by any means and we actually have a great relationship. i mean how can you not have a great relationship with someone who makes such great desserts and meatballs? anyway, the only reason i wish i did have a bad relationship was so this conversation could take place on her birthday....

me- (sarcasticly spoken) heeey happy birthday. so how old are you now?

her- uhhh

me- oh nevermind. you dont look a day older than yoda. well maybe just one, but he's like what? a thousand now? oh well, open your gifts...starting with mine.

her- oh thanks, you shouldnt have

me- yeah well i actually tried, but your daughter made me

---awkward silence---

me- open it already

her- (opens a large and odd shaped box) well?? what is it sammy? it looks like some sort of oven or something??

me- actually. its an UNconventional dont cook shit.


Kat said...

LMAO! You got a photo of the guy! That's hysterical! I'm a new follower. You have a beautiful family!

The Weckler said...

So, hey, I think we can now call you "creep face who hangs out at Borders taking pictures of other creep faces." ;)

amy (metz) walker said...

Ha! Ok, why Rachel? And I loved #6...laughed out loud at the derm office.

The Catons said...

coinsidentally (sp?) the one about the turtle right next to the pic of little Sammy with what else on??? An UnderArmor turtleneck (or I think they call them mock necks.) but whatev...its a tn!!!

Glamazon said...

Honestly. Halfway through your blog I said, "Stop it" (yes, that's right, to the computer) because I am laughing too hard and it hurts. And now my face hurts. Thanks a lot.

Please, pretty please put up that picture from Vegas. (I even said pretty please) And I'm glad you got a pic of that farting perv at borders...your wife is awesome.

What do you have against flip flops? Seriously? What did they ever do to you? Although I do agree with you with capris on a guy. Yuck. And turtlenecks? Don't get me started. My husband works in Yuppyville, USA (Think rich ski town) and for his work's office party (held at a swanky lodge, of course) the memo gave specific instructions on what to wear. Men could wear sport coats with either a shirt and tie or a turtleneck. Nothing says hot like a sports coat and turtleneck, yowza.

Thanks for playing!

Small Town Girl said...

Look at you making your wife do your dirty work! I'm glad she did it though.

Spam....yeah...I've eaten. Actually I ate it quite a bit when I was a kid. That's just what us po' country folk eat. Until you're in FFA (Future Farmers of America) in high school because your dad says you have to be and you go on a field trip to a beef killin' plant. Then you see what's really in Spam, and then you don't want to eat it ever again or even hear it mentioned....same goes for hotdogs, balogna, etc.

About the flip flops. Seriously? What's the issue? I can understand dirty unpedicured feet, but flip flops are awesome! I agree with guys in capris...that's just wrong.

Lora said...

I went to college in west chester, and worked at the only drug store in town. So you know we gossipped about what qvc onscreen personality got what rx filled!

I feel the same way about severed heads as you do about dolls and clowns. Dolls and clowns ring in second for my biggest fear. Its all bad

The Bradford Blog said...

I love flip flops on long as their toe game is up to par. And my car's name is Bella...I bet she and Rachel would be frenemies.

Linda Medrano said...

Sammy, you are a trip! I love this! Also, I hate turtlenecks and flip flops and capri pants on me. But I hate them on me too so I don't wear 'em! Beautiful fam by the way!

bananas. said...

shit. there is way too much going on in this post. where do i start?

1. my old car had a name. she was girl and her name was savvy. my new car is also a girl. she has yet to be named. what a whore.

2. my bf ordered our new keurig coffee maker from qvc but we ordered online. us, lame cookies? maybe. haha no notsomuch.

3. i get annoyed SUPER easily. i swear i'm a bitter 90 year old at heart.

4. that last conversation is awesome. too bad it didn't happen ;)

happy sunday!!!

middle child said...

Re: #11 - When I met my man, he used to wear dickies (a pretend turtleneck) when he went hunting, I kid you not. So,..getting him to switch to turtlenecks was actually and improvement. You are too cool and I will be one of your follows. Thanks!

Sheliza said...

ahahaha!! You are a nut!! I do agree that QVC sells some lame ass merchandise and delish should be bleeped out! I have a MIL that you love her and hate her silly at the same time. Flip flops on men----NOOOO!! Capris in men------hell nooooo!! Don't get me started on skinny jeans. Let's just say they are not made for all body types ;-)

About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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