Tuesday, March 30, 2010

what goes down smoother than jager...

i seriously just dry heaved typing that. mark my words, NO MORE JAGERMEISTER, VODKA, OR REDBULL for at least another....hell i dont know.....day or two. its a little late (thats what she said??) but its time for my vegas recap. im still waiting on more pics to liven up the post, but until then, i'll just have to rely on using very descriptive words, imagination, and imagery....speaking of imagination, apparently mine is a little better than i thought. please indulge me a second as i go on somewhat of a tangent. a few posts ago i actually typed a post out while in vegas. i was just having a little fun and thought i'd use my imagination to come up with story as an intro to the topic, that was so ridiculous, theres no way anyone would/could believe was real. well most people caught on except for two i know of. those two people were: MY MOM and JOSH. josh, coincidentally was on the trip with me i was basically lying about and my mom, well, she gave birth to me. wow. i guess i either have an exceptional imagination or they think im capable of breaking into a strangers hotel suite?? i mean when i talked to my mom, a day or two later, she was STILL really concerned. i had to convince her i hadnt been arrested and that im not dumb enough to get caught. no, all those csi reruns keep me on top of my game. mom and josh, speaking of csi, they're doing a texas version and im in the running for the lead role. its supposed to be like texas walker ranger except its not going to suck. i'll let you know if i get the part.

anyway, we did have a good time but some of us were there a little too long. especially me seeing as how i missed my flight sunday morning. i mean what was i thinking when i booked a 7am flight?? idiot

when you think of a 'white trash wedding', what do you think of? mullets, hickeys, lovin' your cousin, maybe cut off, very 'fashionable clothing' of course, john deere gear possibly, etc. i bet if you listed 100, no, 1000 things, 'two black guys' would fail to make your list. well thats just the situation a friend and i were faced with upon attending a vow renewal in vegas 'white trash' style. but it was no big deal deal because it was a group of friends we went to school with and if theres anyone i'd make an ass out of myself for, its them. they were set to have this ceremony at the little white chapel somewhere in the desert aka, the strip........but first things first, the ceremony was thursday night and a few of us got in wednesday night. so you KNOW we kicked it quite nicely.

honestly we really didnt do much or go anywhere that first night. we pretty much went to eat at one of the chinese restaurants there at the aria and consequently, got served one of tiniest appetizers i had ever seen. i mean it was LITERALLY a bean, on a tiny tomato slice, on top of mango sauce. cmon. seriously. ive found bigger crumbs in my chin hair and i keep a small amount of chin hair. anyway, the food was pretty good overall and was really just a time filler or precursor to the drinks and dice throwing we planned on doing.

okay so fast forward a few, well, alot of hours, and its now about 4 or 5 am vegas time. keep in mind the entire group consisted of texas folk and one misplaced texan on the east coast (me).....speaking of misplaced, by this time we were all made delirious by a concoction of sleep deprivation and libations, so naturally, one of the guys from our group kept randomly disappearing while we were at the dice table. he would disappear for 10 minutes, then come back. he'd disappear for 12 minutes, then come back. he'd disappear for 18 minutes and 30 seconds then......wait. where's 'mike'?? aw shit where'd mike go?! we didnt know where to look so we texted him and waited. and waited. and waited. damn you mike! we havent even been here a day and you pull disappearing act on us!

we eventually found our way back to our room, minus 'mike'. fast forward to, well i dont even know what time because i was literally laying on top of the covers in my shirt, socks, and underwear at the time, but i was told he came to the door, or should i say escorted to our door, by some random worker wearing purple latex gloves. apparently 'mike' made it to our floor, but not to our room. no he found the aria hallway to be a better place to lay down for the night/morning. when asked where he'd been, he said something about 'hey. what happens in vegas, typically isnt remembered.'

--a few other highlights--

-the renewal was pretty damn funny. they each made their own vows and one was actually written on toilet paper. one guy was was dressed in a robe (think family vacation movies). the other 'black guy' in the group and i decided we'd be the cousins from the sisters, cousins, mothers, uncle's, uncle's side. that probably doesnt even make sense but who cares right? what i found sorta odd was that while we were walking around the aria getting ready to leave, one of the employees said our friend had to leave the casino floor because he was wearing a robe. really? im just saying, if i walked around with an otter and said it was my date to pee wee herman and lady gaga's party they'd probably be cool with it. cmon he's wearing a robe, not a green full body suit like the other guy we just saw. i guess they got upset because i was walking around in my costume greeting people saying 'hey! welcome to the aria' as if i was working for them. seriously, the more you stared at our group, the more i made it a point to come and greet you while you were eating. i even took a few photos.....meaning i jumped IN people's photos.

-our limo driver was sweet as can be but her name was 'forozan'. phonetically, i guess it was pronounced like 'for-row-zahn'. i think i said it right once or twice, but 'frozen' soon became her name, because that was all i could muster by the end of the night.

-the aria has a pretty nice setup and is very new. there's one spot right next to the dice tables that is an open bar type lounge thing. we were camped out here for about an hour before heading the see the cirque du soleil show 'KA'. this is where the title of this blog comes into play and my abstaining from jager, redbull, etc. we were all there just hanging out, chit chatting with all the people that came to sit in the vicinity and then someone mentioned we take a shot.....yuck.......about AT LEAST 6 shots later of jager/redbull and patron, we were all feeling pretty good. at this point there was some girl with her friend sitting next to us and we started 'shootin the shit' with them. because we were all in such a good mood, i decided to buy them a shot as well so they could join in the festivities.....yuck......well one of the girls comes over and says thank you yada yada and then asks what kind of shot we were taking. someone chose jager and then, well she pretty much titled this blog for me. she gets hers and only sips it and then complains that its too hard to shoot it all at once and that _____ is easier to drink than a jager bomb......yuck.......i refuse to type the words that this chick dirtied my fragile ears with so just use your imagination......i just dry heaved again btw.

-vegas is full of interesting people. while sitting at a bar on another evening, this guy causally walks into the middle of the bar and starts break dancing. he's got these ridiculous leather bracelets on that have spikes on them and a hat you would see on someone working in a rice field. except his was custom spray painted red and he had some chinese writing on the top but i forget what he said it represented. anyway, you KNOW we had to start a conversation with the guy. i mean its not everyday a scene from 'breakin' happens right in front of you. we end up talking for about 30 minutes and ive gotta say, it was an interesting 30 minutes. he would talk then randomly start dancing right there in front of us?? he told us that he was married but was soon about to get a divorce. he wanted to focus on chasing the ladies at the age of 39. he didnt really look 39 years of age and when i said that to him he said it was because he 'didnt eat meat, didnt drink alcohol, or do drugs, and he worked out alot.' to which i was like 'yeah right buddy. you probably just smoked your crack wrapped in a bong made of bacon and washed it down with some wild turkey or bartles and james.' this guy was a piece of work. he lost me when, well when he started dancing in the middle of the lounge with a rice field hat, but also when he casually said he was leaving his wife.........and that she has cancer.

-this thing could be 12 pages long if i let it and its already too lengthy in my opinion, so this will be the last story from sin city. next time time just meet us out there and see it all 'unravel' first hand.

we were sitting in this 24 hour diner located in the aria at about o'dark 30. while enjoying my, whatever i was eating, i look over and i see this guy struggling. he's there with what i thought was his boyfriend and he is so faded that he is falling asleep in between bites. we start laughing but really get loud when one of the waitress' brings a wheelchair to the table because this dude cannot walk. turns out the other guy is his brother and he's pretty agitated by his sloppiness. he refuse the chair and swears he will get his brother to the room without him busting his head on the aria floor and causing a potential lawsuit. the brother notices us, and everyone else in the area, laughing because it really is a site to see. i forget how we started talking to the lesser drunk of the two, but i do know i asked if we could take a picture next to his brother....of course he let us. out of his anger i suppose. this is him unofficially calling it a night. the other is us with some random guy who jumped in at the last second. said random guy is the guy on the right.

anyway, the best part of the scene was that the guy knocked out was named 'doug'. if you've seen 'the hangover', tell me this isnt slumped over just like when they found doug on the roof! i died laughing when his brother was like, 'hey doug come on man. get your ass up.' i immediately was like 'stop joking. his name isnt doug!'. it was and we all lost it.

for the record, im just sayin, i would NEVER do that to my brother. i like to hang and have a good time, but letting some group of jerks (us) pose with my brother would never happen. im still a good guy ya know. and to prove it, i paid for their meal and tipped their waitress. although i couldnt do anything about the dignity he left there at the table.

**all the names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.....well except for me, JOSH, MY MOM, and of course drunk doug.


Riley Kai said...

Hilarious! It's like a sequel to the Hangover! Makes me want to go to Vegas!

Small Town Girl said...

That's pure awesomeness. You know...I'm a really gullible person, and I'm so proud that I didn't believe your jail time story. I'm looking forward to that new show. Let me know if you make the cast!

Choleesa said...


Linda Medrano said...

Sammy, uh, stay away from Vegas. I did love the "Hangover' and such, but still, just to be on the safe side, stay away from Vegas! (I hope you do get the role you want! How cool would that be! Unless, it's filmed in Vegas, then refer to above!)

Linda Medrano said...

Sammy, uh, stay away from Vegas. I did love the "Hangover' and such, but still, just to be on the safe side, stay away from Vegas! (I hope you do get the role you want! How cool would that be! Unless, it's filmed in Vegas, then refer to above!)

this is the 2nd time I've left this comment! I hope it comes through this time. (Now you've got me doin' the lower case thing, Sammy!)

middle child said...

Loved this blog. By the way, your wife is gorgeous and keep that girl happy cuz you never know when you'll be needing her as a "life-line" rather than just a ball & chain. Seriously, I am soooo glad I discovered your blog. Peace.

bananas. said...


i can't even think about it without upchucking a tad bit.

oh vegas...the stories are great. i have a few i could tell. love that you got of shot of the passed out dude. fucking awesome!!!

Glamazon said...

hahahahaha, again, I am laughing so hard. TOO MANY FUNNY THINGS TO COMMENT ON. First, your mom believing you are a criminal. That sounds exactly like my mother-in-law. Second-You all took a picture with passed out Doug? hahahaha, that movie is hilarious. We watched it while putting together presents on Christmas Eve. I mean, nothing says Santa and the magic of Christmas like The Hangover and Inglorious Bastards, right? Anyway. Sounds like you had WAY too much fun.

I'm still waiting for those hernia pics.

And your wife got a hysterectomy? Lucky.

PS-Go to your profile settings, and change it so that bloggers can respond to your comments through your email, then I don't have to leave them on your blog, and people thing-huh? that girl is crazy.

Alix said...


My favorite part? Frozen.

Reminds me of the time Larry and I were in San Francisco. It was a cold overcast day and it started raining while we were walking around. We were freezing our asses off, so we and hailed a cab. I can't remember the name of our driver, but she was young and cute. We jumped in and were making small talk when she said she was so excited because it was finally a beautiful warm day! Um what?

bananas. said...

answer to your question...yes.

so let's just say you don't have a miley song on your ipod :)

bananas. said...

answer to your question...yes.

so let's just say you don't have a miley song on your ipod :)

Dawn said...

You are so silly...

dlem59 said...

Still can't believe we lost "mike" hours after landing!! It gets funnier every time I think about. If anyone ever runs into us out there, good luck keeping up! As they say, what happens in Vegas makes for a funny ass blog!

About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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