Sunday, March 7, 2010

green sand

i was boarding a plane the other day and when i checked in i realized i had the devils seat...wait, i mean the middle seat. being put in that seat is like contracting the SARS virus. well when it was the popular virus that is. do people still get that? i always feel like the grim reaper as i head towards my seat and the people look at me, but try hard NOT to look at me as if not making eye contact increases their chances of keeping the middle seat open. you know, like in your 5th grade math class when the teacher was randomly selecting students like lotto balls to call on. (haha lotto balls. really?) as i navigate my way through the aisle, i feel like i should come with candy and party favors or do a song and dance to appease the two unfortunate souls on either side of me. the only people who choose that seat are those with a 'significant other', those with a child, or those unfortunate folks that dont understand personal space and the invasion of it. no one chooses to acquire the SARS and no one chooses the middle seat.

i typically have the WORST seat mates. my only explanation for this is that i must have been an ant in a former life and used to royally screw up picnics. i really dont get it. i know i have broad shoulders (haha broad shoulders), but thats gotta be easier to deal with than reeking of curry chicken and yoda. having said that, this flight was pretty mild in comparison to previous flights. the guy to my left didnt have any noticeable pungent odors but he was a character. he looked as if he rode his mountain bike to the airport and actually checked it onboard. he also looked like he wore khaki's entirely too much and even frequented khaki conventions. im sure he has at least 4 pairs of 'brooks' shoes, a collection of jean jackets, and he of course has trail mix on him at all times. and maybe most annoyingly of all, he refers to 'beanies' as 'taboggans'. the guy to my right also didnt have any offensive emanating odors, but his hair looked like it should have. it was THE oiliest mop i had ever seen. it was like his last name was 'of olay'. i dont know much about that kind of hair, but this is what i deduced: he either hadnt washed it since the SARS outbreak was a major concern or in a drunken bout at joe's crab shack , he was dared to rub 10 oyster boogers through his hair. he won. but by winning he also kinda lost ya know.

anyway, i picked up a copy of 'esquire' magazine, a coffee, and a pack of 5 chewing gum to complement my ipod and a nap when i got onboard. (trust me, when it comes to planes, the coffee has no effect on my desire to nap. none whatsoever) have you ever tried it? the gum? i really dont know how its possible to mess up chewing gum. i had their version of the green spearmint and i swear it was like chewing green sand. really, how can chewing gum be messed up? dont they pretty much all taste the same? the only difference is the ridiculous flavor names like, 'crystal sex' or 'colossal river rain.' staying with this theme, i'd say they'd be better off selecting 'sandy angst' as their new name. no? anyway, i dont know how it is these folks continue to sell product. i guess its because the paper is shiny. i know it is not for the flavor of the dehydrated cucumber slices or their name. i mean 5?! 5 is the name of your product? everyone knows that to be taken seriously as a gum manufacturer you have to have at least two syllables in your title. if they were so insistent on using the number 5, maybe they should have opted for 'fiver' or '555'. just saying 5 is too abrupt and hardly complements the already horrid product. please, i'll just keep the coffee breath.

esquire magazine is one of my favorite magazines. i dont read magazines regularly (shit thats a hard word to annunciate) but from what i can tell, alot of celebrities feel entitled to at least two things: crappy fashion and the ability to name their kids whatever they want. i guess any one can name their kid whatever they want, but only celebrities name their kids things like: obsession, toronto, epiphany or the twin boys 'exit wound' and 'exit strategy'.

i could only muster the strength to flip through a few pages before corinne bailey rae and the planes whir made my eyes heavy. i submit, close my eyes and try to sleep between the over zealous hiker and the under conditioned hair. just a few minutes into my rest, 50 cents song 'baby by me' makes it way through my headphones. i immediately arise and change it to a playlist containing mellow r&b songs i had already made. i love r&b music. when you think about it is basically country music except it doesnt suck. anyway, there are 5 music listeners in my house and 3 are under 10, so the only two who could have introduced the song to our itunes library was my wife or me. i know it wasnt me because that song is a dreadful mess. if you havent been blessed by it before, the song contains this line in it, 'have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire.' not only is this line in the song, it is soaked with it. thats the entire chorus and in my brain, the damn thing is like cotton candy on my fingers...hard to get rid of.

as i sit in my chair of death with the worst music lyrics pretty much mall walking through my head and green sand grit still on my tongue, i am officially in a foul mood. if i had one of those nickel mood rings on, it would be whatever color is associated with a sullen mood....hey heres a thought. what if 'mood rings' were called 'moody rings' and all they did was look back at you and say things a moody or annoyed ring would say. things like 'move over bitch. stop crowding me!'. that would be hilarious and would sooo come in handy right now. i would point my ring at each of my seat mates and i imagine she would say things like, 'ugh, move over already! theres granola everywhere! and please stop saying toboggan. it sounds absurd.' or 'if you drip one more oyster booger on my tray table, the gentleman who's index finger im on, will use me to sock you in your face!'.

i hate flying. although rumor has it, the oil from this guys hair was 75% of the serum used to knockout the SARS.

im truly honored! i mean, how awesome is that...

(i wonder what color my ring would use to show a sarcastic mood.)


Lora said...

ha! That 5 gum is awfully racy, but I never tried it. I'm an Orbit girl. I love the stuff. I buy it in bulk at BJ's.

And I hate the middle seat. HATE. I always have the worst seatmates too. It's like a curse

The Catons said...

hahahaha...I was crying!!!

Alix said...

Oh Sammy, you are priceless. I'd pay extra for the middle seat if it was next to you honey.

bananas. said...

devil seat? i call it the bitch seat and i hate it! last time i sat there i was piss drunk, passed out on some random old guy. he could've been a pervert but at the time i didn't care.

oh btw i was flying back from vegas. explains so much.

Stella said...

Ha! I fly quite frequently actually and I DO end up with very interesting seatmates as well. I remember flying back from Argentina last year and the lady next to me was sobbing for three hours, ordering wine after wine and so I finally asked her if she was ok....

Needless to say I got NO sleep on that flight as she went off on how her fiance had just dumped her on their vacation and her heart was broken. It was really sad. Drama is always pleasant on a plane.

About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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