what goes down smoother than jager...

i seriously just dry heaved typing that. mark my words, NO MORE JAGERMEISTER, VODKA, OR REDBULL for at least another....hell i dont know.....day or two. its a little late (thats what she said??) but its time for my vegas recap. im still waiting on more pics to liven up the post, but until then, i'll just have to rely on using very descriptive words, imagination, and imagery....speaking of imagination, apparently mine is a little better than i thought. please indulge me a second as i go on somewhat of a tangent. a few posts ago i actually typed a post out while in vegas. i was just having a little fun and thought i'd use my imagination to come up with story as an intro to the topic, that was so ridiculous, theres no way anyone would/could believe was real. well most people caught on except for two i know of. those two people were: MY MOM and JOSH. josh, coincidentally was on the trip with me i was basically lying about and my mom, well, she gave birth to me. wow. i guess i either have an exceptional imagination or they think im capable of breaking into a strangers hotel suite?? i mean when i talked to my mom, a day or two later, she was STILL really concerned. i had to convince her i hadnt been arrested and that im not dumb enough to get caught. no, all those csi reruns keep me on top of my game. mom and josh, speaking of csi, they're doing a texas version and im in the running for the lead role. its supposed to be like texas walker ranger except its not going to suck. i'll let you know if i get the part.

anyway, we did have a good time but some of us were there a little too long. especially me seeing as how i missed my flight sunday morning. i mean what was i thinking when i booked a 7am flight?? idiot


when you think of a 'white trash wedding', what do you think of? mullets, hickeys, lovin' your cousin, maybe cut off, very 'fashionable clothing' of course, john deere gear possibly, etc. i bet if you listed 100, no, 1000 things, 'two black guys' would fail to make your list. well thats just the situation a friend and i were faced with upon attending a vow renewal in vegas 'white trash' style. but it was no big deal deal because it was a group of friends we went to school with and if theres anyone i'd make an ass out of myself for, its them. they were set to have this ceremony at the little white chapel somewhere in the desert aka, the strip........but first things first, the ceremony was thursday night and a few of us got in wednesday night. so you KNOW we kicked it quite nicely.

honestly we really didnt do much or go anywhere that first night. we pretty much went to eat at one of the chinese restaurants there at the aria and consequently, got served one of tiniest appetizers i had ever seen. i mean it was LITERALLY a bean, on a tiny tomato slice, on top of mango sauce. cmon. seriously. ive found bigger crumbs in my chin hair and i keep a small amount of chin hair. anyway, the food was pretty good overall and was really just a time filler or precursor to the drinks and dice throwing we planned on doing.

okay so fast forward a few, well, alot of hours, and its now about 4 or 5 am vegas time. keep in mind the entire group consisted of texas folk and one misplaced texan on the east coast (me).....speaking of misplaced, by this time we were all made delirious by a concoction of sleep deprivation and libations, so naturally, one of the guys from our group kept randomly disappearing while we were at the dice table. he would disappear for 10 minutes, then come back. he'd disappear for 12 minutes, then come back. he'd disappear for 18 minutes and 30 seconds then......wait. where's 'mike'?? aw shit where'd mike go?! we didnt know where to look so we texted him and waited. and waited. and waited. damn you mike! we havent even been here a day and you pull disappearing act on us!

we eventually found our way back to our room, minus 'mike'. fast forward to, well i dont even know what time because i was literally laying on top of the covers in my shirt, socks, and underwear at the time, but i was told he came to the door, or should i say escorted to our door, by some random worker wearing purple latex gloves. apparently 'mike' made it to our floor, but not to our room. no he found the aria hallway to be a better place to lay down for the night/morning. when asked where he'd been, he said something about 'hey. what happens in vegas, typically isnt remembered.'

--a few other highlights--

-the renewal was pretty damn funny. they each made their own vows and one was actually written on toilet paper. one guy was was dressed in a robe (think family vacation movies). the other 'black guy' in the group and i decided we'd be the cousins from the sisters, cousins, mothers, uncle's, uncle's side. that probably doesnt even make sense but who cares right? what i found sorta odd was that while we were walking around the aria getting ready to leave, one of the employees said our friend had to leave the casino floor because he was wearing a robe. really? im just saying, if i walked around with an otter and said it was my date to pee wee herman and lady gaga's party they'd probably be cool with it. cmon he's wearing a robe, not a green full body suit like the other guy we just saw. i guess they got upset because i was walking around in my costume greeting people saying 'hey! welcome to the aria' as if i was working for them. seriously, the more you stared at our group, the more i made it a point to come and greet you while you were eating. i even took a few photos.....meaning i jumped IN people's photos.

-our limo driver was sweet as can be but her name was 'forozan'. phonetically, i guess it was pronounced like 'for-row-zahn'. i think i said it right once or twice, but 'frozen' soon became her name, because that was all i could muster by the end of the night.

-the aria has a pretty nice setup and is very new. there's one spot right next to the dice tables that is an open bar type lounge thing. we were camped out here for about an hour before heading the see the cirque du soleil show 'KA'. this is where the title of this blog comes into play and my abstaining from jager, redbull, etc. we were all there just hanging out, chit chatting with all the people that came to sit in the vicinity and then someone mentioned we take a shot.....yuck.......about AT LEAST 6 shots later of jager/redbull and patron, we were all feeling pretty good. at this point there was some girl with her friend sitting next to us and we started 'shootin the shit' with them. because we were all in such a good mood, i decided to buy them a shot as well so they could join in the festivities.....yuck......well one of the girls comes over and says thank you yada yada and then asks what kind of shot we were taking. someone chose jager and then, well she pretty much titled this blog for me. she gets hers and only sips it and then complains that its too hard to shoot it all at once and that _____ is easier to drink than a jager bomb......yuck.......i refuse to type the words that this chick dirtied my fragile ears with so just use your imagination......i just dry heaved again btw.

-vegas is full of interesting people. while sitting at a bar on another evening, this guy causally walks into the middle of the bar and starts break dancing. he's got these ridiculous leather bracelets on that have spikes on them and a hat you would see on someone working in a rice field. except his was custom spray painted red and he had some chinese writing on the top but i forget what he said it represented. anyway, you KNOW we had to start a conversation with the guy. i mean its not everyday a scene from 'breakin' happens right in front of you. we end up talking for about 30 minutes and ive gotta say, it was an interesting 30 minutes. he would talk then randomly start dancing right there in front of us?? he told us that he was married but was soon about to get a divorce. he wanted to focus on chasing the ladies at the age of 39. he didnt really look 39 years of age and when i said that to him he said it was because he 'didnt eat meat, didnt drink alcohol, or do drugs, and he worked out alot.' to which i was like 'yeah right buddy. you probably just smoked your crack wrapped in a bong made of bacon and washed it down with some wild turkey or bartles and james.' this guy was a piece of work. he lost me when, well when he started dancing in the middle of the lounge with a rice field hat, but also when he casually said he was leaving his wife.........and that she has cancer.


-this thing could be 12 pages long if i let it and its already too lengthy in my opinion, so this will be the last story from sin city. next time time just meet us out there and see it all 'unravel' first hand.

we were sitting in this 24 hour diner located in the aria at about o'dark 30. while enjoying my, whatever i was eating, i look over and i see this guy struggling. he's there with what i thought was his boyfriend and he is so faded that he is falling asleep in between bites. we start laughing but really get loud when one of the waitress' brings a wheelchair to the table because this dude cannot walk. turns out the other guy is his brother and he's pretty agitated by his sloppiness. he refuse the chair and swears he will get his brother to the room without him busting his head on the aria floor and causing a potential lawsuit. the brother notices us, and everyone else in the area, laughing because it really is a site to see. i forget how we started talking to the lesser drunk of the two, but i do know i asked if we could take a picture next to his brother....of course he let us. out of his anger i suppose. this is him unofficially calling it a night. the other is us with some random guy who jumped in at the last second. said random guy is the guy on the right.







anyway, the best part of the scene was that the guy knocked out was named 'doug'. if you've seen 'the hangover', tell me this isnt slumped over just like when they found doug on the roof! i died laughing when his brother was like, 'hey doug come on man. get your ass up.' i immediately was like 'stop joking. his name isnt doug!'. it was and we all lost it.


for the record, im just sayin, i would NEVER do that to my brother. i like to hang and have a good time, but letting some group of jerks (us) pose with my brother would never happen. im still a good guy ya know. and to prove it, i paid for their meal and tipped their waitress. although i couldnt do anything about the dignity he left there at the table.



**all the names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.....well except for me, JOSH, MY MOM, and of course drunk doug.

UNconventional ovens

so first things first, im starting to feel somewhat normal again and recovered from that little spot out in the desert. i actually did plan to post my confessional ramblings live from sin city, but.........well its vegas and on friday my brain was similar to a mosh pit. except instead of people bashing into each other while loud music blares in the background, i was in the fetal position, with a shirt, socks and underwear on sleeping on top of my covers with a headache the size of dolly parton's bra. im serious. my boys in attendance unfortunately have pictures to prove it. the sleeping thing i mean not dolly's bra. we can all see that without needing proof in pictures.

having said that, i am officially back in the confessional and rearing to go. im actually typing this on thursday afternoon and have it set to post at 6:59am sharp! so like marvin gaye said, lets get it on....just not in the sexual way of course


1) first off, if you read my last post, you'll remember i mentioned there was this guy that just sits in the back of borders bookstore and does nothing but make horrible food/snack choices. and those horrible choices are of course rasinettes and fanta. he doesnt read a book, a magazine, write, type, or anything you would think a person would do when they made the decision to go to the bookstore. well he's here again today and he's doing the SAME DAMN THING! i even tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he maybe finished reading before i got there or something like that, but i beat him here today. this is how mr creep face starts his borders bookstore trip and its just w-e-i-r-d. and he's always got this weird look on his face like he's thinking 'aww damn who farted?'. probably you creepy. probably you.

...and as promised, here's the pic courtesy of my wife. i had my back to him and didnt want to turn around to sneak the pic so i had her do the dirty work....




2) my car has a name and she's a girl and her name is rachel.


3) i wish each day had an additional 4-5 hours added to it.....well in the late am actually. like maybe if at midnight the time would then go to 13, 14, 15, 16 o'clock before starting at 1am. that would be some serious late night snacking and doing absolutely nothing time. hell for that many hours i'd start scrapbooking.


4) if you've ever ordered something from qvc, we may have unofficially met. also, if you've ever ordered something from qvc, odds are you're one lame cookie. i used to work there and it was unbelievably boring. they sell the lamest stuff imaginable, all the callers wanted to be on the air with the hosts so they could tell them how much they loved the lame ass pink and purple outfit they ordered.

5) i love tattoos and will be adding more to me in april.(i know that sounds weird but i like how it sounds)

6) ive ingested spam less than 1 time in my life. i saw a slab of it at the grocery store, or should i say, IT saw me because i swear that stuff is alive. out of curiosity, i read the directions on the can and they said: 1) eat spam 2) prepare a will 3) experience massive diarrhea 4) die

7) i get amused fairly easily (as if this blog wasnt clue enough). sometimes while letting our dog out to use the bathroom, i'll pull back the door but not the screen door and she'll run into it. thats hilarious to me. i used to do it to my little brother but mom made me stop.


8) having said that, i also get annoyed just as easily. i find capri pants and flip flops completely, ridiculously, insanely, and....completely annoying. on men that is. i dont even even know exactly know what the deal is with flip flops but its a major issue in my life. maybe its the fork on a chalkboard annoying sound they make. and when they're paired with jeans, i could remove my eyes on the spot to keep from seeing the silliness and be fine with it! the other day i was at the mall and the sales clerk was telling me about all the new items they had in and when he mentioned they had capris i was literally offended. put it this way, if a guy came into borders wearing capris and flip flops while yapping away on his phone, i'd swear i was in purgatory. if he was wearing clown make up and carrying a doll i'd be in hell.

--i guess the obvious next confession is--

9) i hate clowns and dolls. my kids always make fun of me because their dolls and me DO NOT get along and they think im afraid of them. to which i state that im not afraid, i just dont like em. they just in turn continue to laugh and make fun of me. i just say, 'well at least theres no monsters under my bed! and you know what, im the tooth fairy and santa claus!'.....i love my kids. i guess that pretty much seals the deal with me winning the 'dad of the year' award.

10) i had an egg roll and frosted flakes at 3am the other night and surprisingly it didnt agree with my stomach.


11) seeing people wear turtlenecks is like driving by a highway wreck. i just cannot stop staring and thinking, 'wow whats going on? i cant believe that just happened! this guy is really wearing a turtleneck.'


12) cooking shows are pretty cool. you can find a new recipe from the likes of rachel ray or martha stewart and i guess thats pretty cool. but what i find weird is how the audience applauds when they add the oregano or chop some chicken or do anything else to the food. what if people at home clapped when rachel added the seasoning to the cous cous. wouldnt that be weird?

...oh and the word 'delish' should be bleeped every time she says it.

and finally...


13)...alright. bear with me on this one okay.....(okay. here goes nothing)....

sometimes i wish i had one of those hellish mother-in-law relationships. i dont by any means and we actually have a great relationship. i mean how can you not have a great relationship with someone who makes such great desserts and meatballs? anyway, the only reason i wish i did have a bad relationship was so this conversation could take place on her birthday....

me- (sarcasticly spoken) heeey happy birthday. so how old are you now?

her- uhhh

me- oh nevermind. you dont look a day older than yoda. well maybe just one, but he's like what? a thousand now? oh well, open your gifts...starting with mine.

her- oh thanks, you shouldnt have

me- yeah well i actually tried, but your daughter made me

---awkward silence---

me- ...so open it already

her- (opens a large and odd shaped box) well?? what is it sammy? it looks like some sort of oven or something??

me- actually. its an UNconventional oven....it dont cook shit.

spanx and the clap

as ive mentioned a few times, this really is me. well minus the body shaped like chewed gum, magenta coloring, and hat that magically stays put even though its not actually touching the scalp. at any given moment, 10 different things could be stomping about my head. whats really odd is that at any given moment, there could also be 0 things going through my head. but definitely im more inclined to be juggling 10 or 20 things and really the only people that know that are those closest to me. ie the wife, kids, pals, and the barista's at starbucks.

im still trying to figure that one out. i guess thats why blogging/writing is so appealing to me. it quite literally is a nice 'release'. my head reminds me of one of those huge auditorium classrooms. they're really loud, there are several conversations going on about god knows what and then...the teacher walks in to take the podium. all of a sudden there is a hush swarming the class. thats what writing is to me. when i write, i feel that hush that lasts only for the duration of the class or when im done writing. sometimes i can harness all that hustle and bustle and stay on at least one topic or two or three....

well today is not one of those days. so consider my brain scattered and unharnessable?? (judging by the red line under the word unharnessable, im assuming its not a word.)


so please take that into consideration when reading the next few blips. (really? 'blips' is a word but unharnessable isnt? whatever spell check)....



- first off, march 23 is a significant day for several people. the following people share the same berfday:
actress keri russel, chaka khan( is on my ipod), singer ric ocasek from 'the cars'(also on my ipod), perez hilton, and sir roger bannister, the first person to run a mile under 4 minutes, and this fellow....






which is me by the way. consequently, march 10 is my son's berfday. he shares this berfdayy with none other than chuck effing norris!!! considering ive been known to make up a chuck norris joke or two, i find this completely awesome.


- i usually camp out at the local borders bookstore to read, write, or arithmetic. they have free wi-fi, books, a turkey sausage omlette sandwich, and of course one of my favorite drinks. the mighty mango smoothie drink made by the people of 'naked'. it comes in two sizes and they have the smaller one which is hard to find. the only negatives ive found thus far are:

there is this one guy that is ALWAYS here. he's an odd fixture because he doesnt do anything. meaning most people here type, read, study, etc, but creep face just sits on one of the couches eating raisinettes and drinking a fanta. two of the more random brands around mind you and who the hell eats raisinettes anyway?? they look like huge hamster pellets and they're RAISINS! yuck. anyway creep face is always here doing nothing and its just weird. today he was actually sleeping. my mission is to soon sneak a pic so you guys can see this bookstore dweller.

this place doesnt have the biggest sitting area, which isnt a problem necessarily, except when the annoying cell phone talkers take the stage. this borders seems to be a breeding ground for these inconsiderate human beings. this one guy got on the phone talking to someone and all i heard was something about '...no this isnt important, i just wanted to try and touch base with her before i got there.' alright. first of all, if you have to use your phone, at least shut your face enough so the people around dont want to stone you. secondly, if it isnt important, please do not bless us with your phone call and go outside. or off a cliff, whatever is more convenient.



- i was reminded today of the memorable things kids say. i lived in florida for three years and all the locals thought my wife was hispanic and always defaulted to speaking spanish to her....well they did that to me too, but thats besides the point. one day at target, this lady comes up to my wife and says:

her--habla espanol?
wifey-- no. no habla espanol
her--(in broken english) oh , your kids. very beautiful
wifey-- oh thank you. i mean, gracias

my oldest daughter says kinda smart ass like:

smartypants-- uhh, what did you say to her??
wifey-- i said i didnt speak spanish
smartypants-- no you didnt. you said 'no habla something something'
wifey-- i know. i told her i didnt speak spanish in spanish.
smartypants-- (carefully mulling what she just heard)....uhhhh, but you spoke spanish? right?
wifey-- whatever smart ass


- one day i was singing in the car with all the kids in tow. my middle daughter says, 'dad, i wish god would have made your voice better.'.....thanks smart ass


- in the game paper, rock, scissors, how is that paper beats a rock?


- on the way to borders, i was reminded of a few things concerning my musical tastes (other than the fact i cant sing). i have a variety of artists on my ipod. while shuffling through looking for the right song, i went from lil wayne, to jay z, to kings of leon, to michael buble, to al green, to the drifters, and back to TI....it amazes me that michael buble is on my ipod and im not exactly sure why. maybe its because i think of bubbles every time his name scrolls across my dashboard and grown men shouldnt be thinking of bubbles unless they are in the front yard with their kids. also kings of leon is great, but 'sex is on fire' is an odd choice of title considering the relationship between 'sex' and 'fire'. oh well, i guess its better than their original name of the song 'your sex is like the clap'.


- you know how people use the word 'literally' all the time to describe something just completely outlandish? like 'this guy at borders is literally the most annoying bookstore dweller.' well most times they dont mean it, they just use it to get across how outlandish something or someone is......well forget all that when i say that 'howard the duck' is LITERALLY the worst movie ever. seriously, i dont know who wrote it, but how high was that guy?


-did you know that spanx is now made for men? all i gotta say is FINALLY!


- while going through airport security, instead of assigning men to men and women to women, you should be able to choose if you want a man or woman to rub you...i mean pat you down.


- have you seen those ups white board commercials? what is the deal with that guys hair? its shaped like a capital 'M' and he looks like he's straight off the set of shooting a movie based on camelot.


- and lastly, on the way here i saw one of those huge trucks carrying a house on the highway. you know the ones that have that captain obvious sign that reads 'WIDE LOAD'. i wondered if that sign was actually necessary. i mean it may just be me, but the fact that a HOUSE, is on the road, is sign enough. no? its not like before the creation of the sign people were just driving along then they all of a sudden jumped back in their seat screaming 'hey! what the hell! why didnt someone warn me!?!?'




...and now the silence is over and im back to the loudness.

so lora could have saved me some jail time...

i love coming up with blog titles. especially the overly descriptive blog titles. ive been told on more than one occasion that i have an active imagination, which, by the way, i think is code for 'check out the looney tune'. my current crackberry messenger profile currently has the kiddie character 'mr scatterbrain' and the words 'from chaos comes life. order often brings about habit.' s a representation of me. sometimes i just want to come up with titles and not even actually write anything......thats it! that is my new plan. just come up with silly titles to get the reader excited, then confuse him/her when there is nothing to read. except an exceptional title that is.

having said that, stay tuned for next week's post title: friends. if you cant disclose to them, who else can you eat snow cones with?

wow, i apologize for most of the above nonsense. im typing this with very little sleep and very much booze in my system. which of course means im in vegas. (pics and stories to come later) and the only reason im still here is because i missed my flight due the aforementioned sleep and liquor combo.

anyway, ive always been under the impression that to best know someone, you go through their medicine cabinet, underwear drawer, or any other so called 'private area'. so naturally thats what i told the lady in the room next to mine when she came back to her suite and i was rifling through her shizz. i told the cops this while heading to the station, but they didnt seem all that interested. i simply wanted to know my neighbor better but apparently, this behavior is frowned upon. like masterdebating on an airplane. (easiest movie quote ever!)

anyway, 6 hours later my boys finally posted bail. 6 HOURS LATER!! yeah loose slots my ass. when i got back to my room, i showered off the shame and sat down with my laptop. as im going through my blog pals, i came across miss lora's latest entry that showed a new take on getting to know people which doesnt involve potential jail time....yet again. it does involve studying the person in question's handwriting though. so ive decided to give it a shot mainly because its getting harder and harder to explain to my kids why daddy keeps having to 'go away'.

ahem, pardon the tiny handwriting and without further ado:

The Rules:

write the following
1) Your name/blog name.
2) Right-handed, left-handed, or ambidextrous?
3) Favorite letters to write.
4) Least favorite letters to write.
5) Write “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.”
6) Write the following words in capital letters:
- CRAB
- HUMOR
- KALEIDOSCOPE
- PAJAMAS
- GAZILLION
7) Write your favorite song lyric.
8) Tag people!
9) Any special note or picture.













sorry for the picture not being all that clear. well you know what most of 1-9 says, but the other stuff is:
top left reads- the scene of the crime(s) referring to the aria hotel.

top right reads- the best flavor skittle and of course the skittle is grape.

bottom right reads- pizza grease with an arrow pointing to said pizza grease.

#7 reads- my only fear is i have none, but this could honestly be different tomorrow or in 10 mins.

#9 reads 'you are an amazing father' which is a text i just got from the wife.....



aw shucks



i typically think faster than i write/type so i always leave words out. its like my brain and hand arent on the same page. along with that, i dont really do a thorough job of proofreading things that i type/write so alot of times i'll come back to something ive wrote and be like, 'what the hell? you sound like a moron.' anyway, thought you'd like to know the list i wrote out is actually the second attempt at it. usually when i leave stuff out of written things, its basically only me reading, but this time i was sharing my writing with you all and it got too messy because i noticed i left out a few words and the scribbling was cluttering up the place. consequently, thats also the reason for the pizza stain.


the skittle is just because i was eating them in between bites of pizza.........yes you heard me correctly.


i told yall i was in vegas

bonkers

ive been meaning to join one of those things in blogdom that are something like a club. they said i was too old to be a boy scout and had too much hate and dullness for the math club. i have joined the urbanity posse, which is a photo blog that is awesome, but i also wanted to find one that didnt involve a camera. i stumbled across the glamazon mormon mom's blog somehow and long story short, i now find myself being a confessor of the glamazon crew. how could you not follow a blog called 'the glamazon mormon mom'.? amazing title.


anyway, this is my first time trying my hand at this and im positive im not doing everything right, but here goes nothing...


1. capital letters? yeah i hardly use em. who has the time to press the shift key AND a letter key? it was either use the caps lock and SCREAM AT EVERYONE WHILST TYPING, or just forget capitals all together. they're so overrated.

2. the previous sentence marks the first time ive ever used the word 'whilst'. i dont even know if i used it correctly.

3. 33 years of age is fast approaching, but i honestly feel i was born in the wrong era. i have/am what many call an 'old soul.' i'd rather listen to al green or the mama's and the papa's than beyonce or 50 cent.

4. if there's one thing i like that could be considered lame, it'd be going to antique shops. (so lame)

5. my fly has been down alot lately. no i dont mean i have a depressed pet fly or something, i mean my zipper seems to be on the lower end of the zipper tracks. its cool though because i wear lucky brand jeans alot, so i retain some of my dignity.

6. i am a night owl (as evident in my last post). its like when nighttime hits i all of a sudden get a boost of energy and want to do stuff. the other night, after the kids passed out, i fell asleep on the couch in our bedroom around 10pm. i then woke up at 2am and started doing stuff till about 4am?? is that considered a nap? i typically use a turkey baster to apply visine to get all that red out.

7. there was a time in my life when i would go to bars and clubs and order madori sours. with a straight face. and no im not gay. speaking of visine, i think thats how bartenders administer the alcohol in madori sours.

8. i havent the slightest as to when to use all the different parentheses. anyone know the difference between ( ), { }, and [ ]? i guess i could google it and find out, but then i couldnt confess i didnt know what they mean.

9. im a bad american idol fan. i havent seen anything past hollywood week. i have them recorded, but havent caught up yet. it was on the other night and i caught bits and pieces while trying to NOT catch bits and pieces. theres one thing i know, well two if you count the fact that borrowing money from a pessimist is best because they never expect it back. anyway, kara digorno, wait thats that home made pizza stuff, well whatever her last name is....what was i saying again? oh thats right, the other thing i know. i know that kara d is putting the 'irritable' in 'irritable bowel syndrome.' she is just aggravating to watch speak and it has nothing to do with her face or appearance either. she's actually quite easy on the eyes. not hot mind you, just pleasant to look at. like chelsea handler. its like when she speaks she's just opening her mouth and letting whatever spew out without thinking about it. i dont know, its just...irritable.

10. i believe it is impossible to use the word 'marvelous' in a sentence without the person you're talking to looking at you oddly like you just used the word marvelous in a sentence. 'marvelous' is actually number 3 on the top 5 list of 'the most basic word list that has little to zero relevance in everyday communication.' its like the sense of shame on the set of jersey shore. for those of you wondering, its now number 3 because the word 'bizarre' moved up a spot. typing anything from this list is one thing, but actually speaking these words? now thats just silly.

11. i love betty white. im glad she'll finally get her shot at SNL SOON. i mean, if i was stranded on some remote island, or a bar, with megan fox and betty white and was faced with the decision to procreate with one, i'd choose miss fox. you know, for the good of humanity. but i would REEEAAALLLY have to think about it. and you know i mean it because i used excessive capital letters to say 'really'. and thats not solely based on the fact that miss white more than likely cant reproduce. its because she is simply amazing and awesome.

...and lastly

12. ive seen alice in wonderland twice already and my favorite two parts about the movie are pretty obscure, but thats how i roll. furthermore, i promise my favorite two parts wont give anything away if you havent seen it, but you will appreciate if you have. {1} (did i use the right parentheses to showcase the #1?) in the movie, anne hathaway plays the 'white queen' and the best thing she did in the movie, in my ridiculous opinion of course, was convey such a believable gag. thats right, a gag. there were a few times in the movie where her role called for her to gag and i seriously could not stop laughing. i find it hilarious when people gag in real life, for whatever reason, so when she did it in such a believable manner i laughed a little too much........**tangent alert**......gag? what an ugly word. is it just me or does the word 'gagging' contain a disgusting amount of 'g's'? i mean the letter g is about 2/7th's of the word (i told you i was bad at math). what about when people say something or someone makes them want to gag? what an awful thing to say when taken literally. can you imagine what that would do to someone's psyche if they walked by someone and they started gagging?! holy hell what a downer!.....**tangent over**

the other thing i liked best about the movie was a conversation between alice and her dad. in the scene, she's trying to go back to sleep after telling her dad about the nightmare she's just had. while laying there, she asks her dad if she's crazy because of these crazy dreams. he strokes her forehead and says that she is in fact crazy. she's bonkers. he then tells her not to worry because all the best people are. i found his response so simple yet so profound and thats how i want my life to be, profoundly simple.

midnite surfing in the english channel and snacks

wait. what does that title read? damn. its supposed to say, 'channel surfing and midnite snacks'. i do apologize, damn lis-dexia. its late and im up late channel surfing. if you think about it, the only reason people channel surf is because everything sux just enough to actually keep you awake and take notice of it. especially the commercials. i always find myself being over critical of all the products being sold or basically whatever i see. although i must say, i saw a commercial for the movie 'alice in wonderland', which ive actually seen twice already, and to my surprise, it was a damn good movie. one of the best ive seen in a while. although, going in i didnt have much hope for it. i was just going to be a good dad and accompany my kids, eat some candy and just take the 'L.' i swore i was going to leave there saying the same thing i did after my first failed encounter with a girl and her bra, 'what the f*ck??'.


whatever happened to the lone ranger? know what i never understood about the LONE ranger? that he had a side kick. yeah, the LONE ranger had a side kick?? would you agree that that is both confusing and misleading? i mean at first we're all like, 'hey check out this new badass! he's so badass, he rides and fights alone!...wait what? you have a side kick?...you have a side kick and his name is tonto??'...confusing right? i mean calling yourself the LONE ranger implies that you do things alone. you're a rebel of sorts. that'd be like my brother and i being the comprising members of a band called 'the triplets'. remember his signature signing off quote? 'hi yo silver! away!'(or something to that effect)....yeah more like 'hi yo silver, and tonto, and james, and charles, and paulie, AWAY!' (to get more help that is).



when will snickers stop galavanting around like its some kind of nutritional bar? on the side of the wrapper, the nutritional facts actually say: peanuts, chocolate, and blubber yet all the commercials continue to show it like its a good choice of snack to get one from lunch to dinner or something. speaking of candy bars, who the hell does the marketing for that candy bar 100 grand?? ive never seen a commercial. never seen anyone eating one except during halloween and even then they are only the fun size sort. you know what, even when a store happens to carry them in the 'impulse aisle' by the registers, there's hardly ever a bar missing from the box.


speaking of blubber, did you know mcdonalds has a burger wrap?? i purposely ended that question with two question marks because i wanted to seem extra emphatic about wanting to know why they have......a burger.....in a wrap??


does the pseudo chocolate drink 'yoo-hoo' still exist? well other than in sodom and gomorrah i mean. that was/is the most watery tasting, fake chocolate drink ever. if you've never tasted this mess of drink, i think ive got a pretty good comparison for you. you know how if you were to put ice into a glass of REAL chocolate milk and chug it down and loudly belch, there would still be traces of the chocolate milk in the glass and around the ice? well all the makers of yoo hoo did was let that ice melt and bottle it. i googled it and you know where you can actually buy yoo-hoo? at the office depot. if that, and the fact that its called 'chocolate drink' and not 'chocolate milk' doesnt offend you, then i dont know what will.


i guess all these damn food commercials is what leads to all the crazy snacking i do at insane hours. i mean, grilled cheese and eggs doesnt sound overly enticing or anything during the day, but after dark its like my kitchen becomes some trendy italian delicatessen and this is my specialty. maybe i'll match it with a glass of midnight champagne. how classy would that be?! i make the worst food choices while up this late too. (i guess ANY choice is a bad choice at this hour). then again, having grilled cheese and eggs isnt all that bad because there are worse things out there. i am quite positive the 8lb bag of cheetos was ALL bad. you ever notice how quiet the house is when your up raiding the pantry, refrigerator and everything edible and how much louder EVERY normal activity is? really. when i opened the bag of cheetos it sounded like they were wrapped in cymbals as i clanged about my cupboard.


anyway, its late and now that ive finished raising my cholesterol levels, its now time to lay my weary body down. although im still upset about the whole lone ranger thing and him being a fraud. the lone ranger. yeah more like 'the tandem ranger'. sheesh, just when you think you can count on somebody.

green sand

i was boarding a plane the other day and when i checked in i realized i had the devils seat...wait, i mean the middle seat. being put in that seat is like contracting the SARS virus. well when it was the popular virus that is. do people still get that? i always feel like the grim reaper as i head towards my seat and the people look at me, but try hard NOT to look at me as if not making eye contact increases their chances of keeping the middle seat open. you know, like in your 5th grade math class when the teacher was randomly selecting students like lotto balls to call on. (haha lotto balls. really?) as i navigate my way through the aisle, i feel like i should come with candy and party favors or do a song and dance to appease the two unfortunate souls on either side of me. the only people who choose that seat are those with a 'significant other', those with a child, or those unfortunate folks that dont understand personal space and the invasion of it. no one chooses to acquire the SARS and no one chooses the middle seat.


i typically have the WORST seat mates. my only explanation for this is that i must have been an ant in a former life and used to royally screw up picnics. i really dont get it. i know i have broad shoulders (haha broad shoulders), but thats gotta be easier to deal with than reeking of curry chicken and yoda. having said that, this flight was pretty mild in comparison to previous flights. the guy to my left didnt have any noticeable pungent odors but he was a character. he looked as if he rode his mountain bike to the airport and actually checked it onboard. he also looked like he wore khaki's entirely too much and even frequented khaki conventions. im sure he has at least 4 pairs of 'brooks' shoes, a collection of jean jackets, and he of course has trail mix on him at all times. and maybe most annoyingly of all, he refers to 'beanies' as 'taboggans'. the guy to my right also didnt have any offensive emanating odors, but his hair looked like it should have. it was THE oiliest mop i had ever seen. it was like his last name was 'of olay'. i dont know much about that kind of hair, but this is what i deduced: he either hadnt washed it since the SARS outbreak was a major concern or in a drunken bout at joe's crab shack , he was dared to rub 10 oyster boogers through his hair. he won. but by winning he also kinda lost ya know.


anyway, i picked up a copy of 'esquire' magazine, a coffee, and a pack of 5 chewing gum to complement my ipod and a nap when i got onboard. (trust me, when it comes to planes, the coffee has no effect on my desire to nap. none whatsoever) have you ever tried it? the gum? i really dont know how its possible to mess up chewing gum. i had their version of the green spearmint and i swear it was like chewing green sand. really, how can chewing gum be messed up? dont they pretty much all taste the same? the only difference is the ridiculous flavor names like, 'crystal sex' or 'colossal river rain.' staying with this theme, i'd say they'd be better off selecting 'sandy angst' as their new name. no? anyway, i dont know how it is these folks continue to sell product. i guess its because the paper is shiny. i know it is not for the flavor of the dehydrated cucumber slices or their name. i mean 5?! 5 is the name of your product? everyone knows that to be taken seriously as a gum manufacturer you have to have at least two syllables in your title. if they were so insistent on using the number 5, maybe they should have opted for 'fiver' or '555'. just saying 5 is too abrupt and hardly complements the already horrid product. please, i'll just keep the coffee breath.


esquire magazine is one of my favorite magazines. i dont read magazines regularly (shit thats a hard word to annunciate) but from what i can tell, alot of celebrities feel entitled to at least two things: crappy fashion and the ability to name their kids whatever they want. i guess any one can name their kid whatever they want, but only celebrities name their kids things like: obsession, toronto, epiphany or the twin boys 'exit wound' and 'exit strategy'.


i could only muster the strength to flip through a few pages before corinne bailey rae and the planes whir made my eyes heavy. i submit, close my eyes and try to sleep between the over zealous hiker and the under conditioned hair. just a few minutes into my rest, 50 cents song 'baby by me' makes it way through my headphones. i immediately arise and change it to a playlist containing mellow r&b songs i had already made. i love r&b music. when you think about it is basically country music except it doesnt suck. anyway, there are 5 music listeners in my house and 3 are under 10, so the only two who could have introduced the song to our itunes library was my wife or me. i know it wasnt me because that song is a dreadful mess. if you havent been blessed by it before, the song contains this line in it, 'have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire.' not only is this line in the song, it is soaked with it. thats the entire chorus and in my brain, the damn thing is like cotton candy on my fingers...hard to get rid of.


as i sit in my chair of death with the worst music lyrics pretty much mall walking through my head and green sand grit still on my tongue, i am officially in a foul mood. if i had one of those nickel mood rings on, it would be whatever color is associated with a sullen mood....hey heres a thought. what if 'mood rings' were called 'moody rings' and all they did was look back at you and say things a moody or annoyed ring would say. things like 'move over bitch. stop crowding me!'. that would be hilarious and would sooo come in handy right now. i would point my ring at each of my seat mates and i imagine she would say things like, 'ugh, move over already! theres granola everywhere! and please stop saying toboggan. it sounds absurd.' or 'if you drip one more oyster booger on my tray table, the gentleman who's index finger im on, will use me to sock you in your face!'.

i hate flying. although rumor has it, the oil from this guys hair was 75% of the serum used to knockout the SARS.

im truly honored! i mean, how awesome is that...

(i wonder what color my ring would use to show a sarcastic mood.)

updated bacon and fun bags

two quick things i found and determined one to be frickin hilarious and the other to be the most awesome thing ever!!

i'll let you decide which is which:




this is an update from my previous post.
(if you havent seen it just scroll down because im not about to add a link for your lazy ass when its just down on the screen.)













i dont judge at all, but are those a womans hand using the controller? i only say so because of the dainty watch