Thursday, July 10, 2008

5 simple rules? and marshmallows with wings

from the beginning of time, there have been numerous inventions or advancements that are both extremely beneficial and utterly pointless. those in the beneficial department would definitely include: telephones, cars, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the two piece bathing suit, the two piece from KFC, and of course whatever removes the pulp from orange juice. all simply world changing. while examples in the lame category would be: telephones/cellphones when owned by about 40% of all teenagers, cars when operated by about 85% of all teenagers, circus peanut candies, skim milk, or about 50% of what's in the sky mall magazine. for those who have never seen one, its one of the in-flight magazines on all planes. they also have a website you can visit, which i find a tad ironic.

anyway, i was thumbing trough this ode to nonsense on a recent flight and found a few clarify, by 'gems' i mean the kind that adorn kids toys or those found at piercing pagoda. here are just two of many that may need to be re-tooled. trust me, they are no peanut butter and jelly!

the first: 5 simple rules?

okay simple enough right? i imagine myself sitting on the couch with the embers of a warm fire crackling in the background while i deliver a poignant speech to my kids. i point to my 5 simple rules plaque and i say to them, 'kids, life is simple. ive learned 5 rules you need to live by. first of all you really need 'to live', sammy get your fingers out your nose! ahem, secondly, you need 'to learn' all you can. kids you need 'to laugh' often and maybe most important, you must 'love'. lastly guys, you need to...ahem 'to life'.

(here my smart ass daughters jump in)

kiera: uhh, dad, 'to life' is not a 'rule' per se.
jadyn: yeah seriously, what are you talking about?
me: well you know what i mean. its like the sum of the previous 4
jadyn: uhh okay?, buts that 4 rules dad. you said you had 5
sammy: can i have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
me: no sammy! not now!...and get your fingers out of your nose!
kiera: yeah dad you should have said you had 4 rules and their sum. did you pay money for that thing?
me: go to your room! all of you are grounded!

the second 'invention' that couldnt hold the two piece bathing suit's jock is this thing...

thats right it shoots marshmallows. the items description actually left me dumber:
This clever pump-action device shoots sweet, edible miniature marshmallows over 30', and it even has an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for pinpoint accuracy. The easy-to-refill magazine holds 20 marshmallows (or foam pellets, not included) for fast, nonstop action. Barrel and magazine are top rack dishwasher safe, and the back of the box includes a target for practice. Ages 6 and up

i thought i would re-write it for them:
this item comes in handy for those annoying s'mores you're trying to make that are, for some reason, up to 30' away. and while those pesky graham crackers stand just...out...of...arms..reach at least there's the beam you can aim at it. dont worry the beam wont harm your brother if you decide to pelt him with the pellets instead of marshmallows. there is also a tear away practice board you can use to hone your skills. so when you go outside and impress your friends with your accuracy, make sure the marshmallows dont land in an area where an animal has peed. for ages 6 and under because thats the maximum age who could possibly find this item worthwhile...for a couple hours anyway.


Amy Metz Walker said...

I don't know, I think BOTH of those items were on my "wish list" for Christmas. Kidding.

But I LOVE the pulp in orange juice and I actually do think the marshmellow gun could be kinda fun since I think marshmellows are quite disgusting. That would be the only good use I can see for them.

Again, you with stories you thought of on!

sammy said...


is that like the more calm and soothing version?

but yes, marshmallows are also pretty bad. it reminds me puffy lard balls.

my friend melissa has the best comparison to pulp. she says it reminds her of 'lip skin'! every time i think of it i get a chuckle!... happy oj drinking ; )

AUwalk25 said...

Your s’mores may taste mellow, but the confection you use in them is not “marshmellow,” but “marshmallow.” It was originally made from the root of a mallow plant which grew in marshes....come on Amy get it together!!

Once again Sammy..your blog challenged my brain, but I did follow!

Melissa said...

Every time I see a glass of OJ with pulp I find myself wondering if somewhere in some grimy factory there are a bunch of suckers--probably illegal aliens or some such nonsense--who are forced to harvest their lip skin for the likes of Tropicana and Minute Maid. Slimy little piece by slimy little piece...

sammy said...

dusty- what is that like two in a row?! sweet! i think it was the pictures ; )

i had to correct your wifey as well! not to mention ive also had to correct my wifey's to-do lists on occasion. on one occasion she put that she had to see the 'docter'. another time she needed to pick up a 'camara'

Amy Metz Walker said...

Ok, I am officially SICKED out and may NEVER drink orange juice with pulp again. That is the most disgusting analogy I've ever heard!

sammy said...


(and gross btw!!)

sammy said...

amy--hehe, success!!

thats why i said happy oj drinking!

Melissa said...


<--Converting Lip-Skin Ingesters in 1994.

PS Sammy, do you carry around a red pen for just such urgent spelling error corrections as THE FRICKIN TO-DO LIST?! Sheeshamighty!

Geoffrey said...

Don't be hatin' on pulpy OJ, now.

sammy said...

melissa--uh yeah! pocket protector and everything!

geoffrey--im just calling a spade a spade. or in this case, a hideous type of oj a hideous type of oj ; )

Melissa said...

Your wife is a saint, dude.

And I wonder where Kiera gets her 'attention to detail' from...

dlem59 said...

i love the comments about the orange juice (lip skin? gross!!), but i can't get over the conversation with the kids. if that wasn't a day in the morris house, i don't know what is! sounds like me telling chris the meaning of life while convincing him to put THAT back in his pants!!!

Nicole said...

For some reason I see Sammy also asking for yogurt to go with his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, (and bugers!)

sammy said...

devin--yeah thats melissa for ya! i heard that and was like 'thats hilarious. thats thats gross!!'

nicole-- was that 'burgers'? wasnt sure bc, considering we're talking about lil sammy, that could also be 'boogers'!

mel--yeah kiera is such a smart ass like me too! i know jadyn and sammy get annoyed by her correcting them all the time!

sammy said...

diana- suuuure you do. just like you know someone named he'ruby and she'diamond huh. so whats next? lemme guess, you also know the inventor of the the 5 simple rules plaque as well huh? or maybe the pulp remover? hehe ; )

also i had no idea you had your own blizzle (blog), but amy told me how i missed it. she pretty much knows everything ; )

sammy said...

hehe, well there is alot one can do with photoshop these days ya know! unless i see a receipt for the marshmallow gun and birth certificate's for the 'gem family' im standing my ground! ; )

Amy (Metz) Walker said...

Sammy, Diana...glad I could assist in getting two of the most creative and competitive people I know introduced. Just doing my part...

sammy said...

hehe you're right in three ways:

1.) you are the great connector
2.) i am the most creative person you know
3.) i am the most competitive person you know ; )

Melissa said...

Just thought I would let you know that I ruined a perfectly enjoyable breakfast out and about with friends by unleashing my OJ Pulp theory in all it's glory on them! There were folks with their heads in their hands, others slowly pushing their glasses away, too! Yeahhhh, booooyyyyy!

About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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