Saturday, May 22, 2010

mile high club

right now, my life involves loads of traveling. traveling in insufferable amounts to be more precise. naturally, the more i fly, the more i experience why it sucks so bad. cancellations and delays seem inevitable and is an easy way to screw up one's night. sometimes i feel like i must have been an ant in a former life and my buddies and i royally f-ed up a picnic outing by treading through the potato salad to damage the pimento loaf, but i digress. in a nutshell, flying this much stinks. because of the stench, i tend to look for ways to amuse myself and i must say; the airport has got to be the biggest collection of uncoordinated people ever assembled. i see people running for their gates w/ the lamest form ever and its like their joints arent even connected. i mean good thing there's no killer after them because they'd be done before they could even start the creepy score!


anyhow, the incessant flying, reincarnated potato salad footprints, or clumsy travelers is not even the reason for this offering so i apologize for the tangent. no this is about, obviously, the mile high club. if you arent familiar with the term, it basically is a slang way of referring to 'having sex on a plane.' i dont know who started the phrase or what the draw is to having sex on a plane. ass on a plane doesnt really appeal to me, honestly speaking. it just seems like there is an extremely higher price to pay for getting caught than the actual act. but honestly, thats also a tangent because thats also not necessarily what i'll be talking about in this post. although i must first preface that statement by stating, yes i am talking about ass on a plane, but not that type of ass.

ive noticed over the years that some people do not take kindly to children on planes nor their hosts (parents). on a recent trip, i witnessed one ass that infuriated me so much but if you werent looking you wouldnt have even noticed it. but i was definitely looking and definitely noticed his asswipedness.(<<--totally not a word but its my post sooo...) there was this thirty something mom by herself and her child was not having a fun day. we were supposed to leave at 8:30pm, but we didnt leave until 1 am. hell i wasnt having a fun day either. i was more upset than a guy with a uni-brow on a blind date that failed to mention that part.


about an hour into the flight, her kid was screaming and restless. well this jerk in front of her was huffing and puffing like some eighth grader who got tricked by his pals on opposite day. he kept glancing over his shoulder with that look that screamed, 'will you shut that kid up already!' his smugness was sickening and i sincerely felt for the lady. her hair was a mess, her face was red, and the embarrassment and shame literally flowed from her body. not to mention her kid was moving about like he was of tazmanian decent, and to top it off, she had the added pressure of the asswipe in front of her.


just a few thoughts mr. asswipe if you dont mind. i know you're busy being tough and all, but this wont take a second. im not sure if you've noticed, but anatomically speaking, children have shorter legs than adults. this may help you in understanding that at times their legs may bump your chair when they reach for something or when they are in their parents lap and are having a rough time processing life and why they are on this friggin plane this late at night. whats that asswipe? why dont parents just make their kids sit still for the duration of the flight you ask? well it sounds easy enough right? well for starters, i know, like jesus, there is no record of your early life and that you just magically 'popped up' on the scene all knowing. i know you somehow managed to bypass all the years where self control is learned and just came into the world completely mature and mindful, but not everyone is so fortunate. shocking huh? imagine the shock i faced when i had kids of my own and saw firsthand that children really are not all that mature nor are they respectful of others space. go figure. they're on this path called 'life' and it really is a difficult thing...for the kid AND the mom mind you. especially when they have the added pressure of some doucher, holier than thou, waste of space plane mate. i mean seriously? what i want to know is who exactly are you mad at? the mom? well, if she isnt the type that just allows her child to run the aisles freely and does nothing to help taper the child down, then please just relax already. no amount of passively griping will help. now if you're mad at the child, well, i dont know what to tell you bro, but basically just give up all hope. i mean life will get WAAAY more serious and you will surely encounter bigger villians in your days than some some sleepy toddler. so like i said, just give up hope. you should go play russian roulette with a chainsaw or take two ambien and nap on elm street. whatever you do, just leave the woman alone please. the flight is temporary and your ignorance is not bliss.


well i do hope my words though sticky with sweet sarcasm awaken pleasantness in you and that you save your asswipedness for: loud cell phone talkers, people who wear their bluetooth or neck pillow around while not in use, and plane farters.

20 comments:

Dr. Heckle said...

Plane farters are the worst! Nothing like fart smell recirculating for all 200 passengers to smell!

Anastasia said...

I hate that! They have a kids free summer movie here and adults w/o kids will go and act annoyed that my kid is talking. Don't be a cheap skate then. pay for the late showing asshole.

people suck!

Cheeseboy said...

Sometimes you have to fly with kids... there's just no getting around it. People like this drive me nuts. Just put on some headphones or something. It is only bugging you because you are ALLOWING it to.

Allyson & Jere said...

Well said my friend, well said. People are just stupid. The end.

Not gonna lie, your random tangents to get to the point cracked me up.

Nothing worse than a tooter on the plane. Well except perhaps a pooper, but that's another story.

Mr. Stupid said...

There are crazy people on every flight. I had seen one guy who stood up and yelled at a Mom because her year old daughter was crying.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I haven't been on a plane since I had children, but I agree. They can't always be expected to behave a certain way.

Plane farters, elevator farters, hell, even farters in public in general are a menace to noses everywhere!

Glamazon said...

Aaah, that was nice to hear. It's so hard to travel with kids, and then when people get all huffy about it, it just makes it that much worse.

Holli said...

I don't have kids and I fly a lot. I have supreme respect for any parent who travels with a child. That in no way looks like it would be a fun and easy experience. A lot of times if I end up near a parent with a child I'll offer my help to them... talking to their kid or offering to walk the aisle with them if they need it. Gives me something to do to pass the time and hopefully makes someone else's like a little easier!

ellen abbott said...

Ah, the world is full of rude people and Americans especially have such a sense of entitlement and to hell with everyone else.

Linda Medrano said...

What it is about me, I'm not sure. If there is an unaccompanied minor child, the flight attendant will come up and ask the person next to me to relocate so I can be the seat mate of said child. So I'm the chosen one. All right, truth time. I adore having some little motor mouth kid sitting next to me asking me "what if we crash?" "how much longer?" "what are we going to get to drink?" and so forth. They make the trip actually quite delightful. Kids are about my favorite thing in the world next to dogs and I like spending time with them a lot more than some doofus sitting there with his or her laptop working away and making clever comments to me. As far as babies crying, damn! All babies cry and guess what, we were all babies at one time or another. People who can't deal with it should simply go live somewhere else. Like Mars.

mintifresh said...

I hate asswipe plane mates! I can't believe how rude people be when there is children involved! It's always good to know someone else agrees! :)

Karen said...

Sammy, you surprise me every time you post...in a very good way! As a pediatric nurse who happens to LOVE kids WAY more than adults I always sit by the unaccompanied minors or moms(or dads) travelling alone. I try to protect them you could say from the worlds asswipes. And honestly if I'm gonna be stuck in a small space for long periods kids are just much more entertaining!

Mrs. D said...

Great post! It IS annoying to have to be stuck w/a fit throwing kid, but that's just kids and you can't always prevent it, despite the very best efforts from parents. I pity parents who are in those situations, b/c you want to fix it so badly and you feel like an ass for "allowing" it. Been there. And "like some eighth grader who got tricked by his pals on opposite day" was hilarious, LOL!

Salt said...

People like Captain Douchebag leave me fearing for the first time I am ever going to have to take a child on a plane. That's tough stuff!

Strangely, when I board a flight and I see a wee person, I feel more of a sense of safeness about the flight. I'm not quite sure why, but I do. (I'm a VERY bad air passenger...it might as well be me throwing the tantrum.)

Small Town Girl said...

Kuddos to you! We need more people to have compassion for sleep kiddos and I-swear-I-don't-want-my-kid-to-act-this-way moms.

BTW...I nominated you for something. You should check it out!

Small Town Girl said...

And that was supposed to be sleepy kiddos not sleep kiddos.

Lizzi said...

Amen!

Dawn said...

I had this experience last year heading to Orlando with Will to visit Ryan. As we walked down the aisle to the very last row in the plane, I saw the man's face in the seat in front of ours turn into a scowl. What that man didn't know is that I had been up all night stressing about having to fly alone with Will. I kept going through my mental checklist hoping I didn't forget anything - toys, snacks, sippy cup - anything to keep Will happy and content for 2 hours on a plane.

When the person next to my Mr. Asswipe got bumped up to first class, he remarked, "Man, you're lucky." He wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he wasn't happy we were there.

I was pleasantly surprised by how Will did on the plane. He was playing his Leadfrog and occasionally let out a loud laugh when he got something right. I saw the man turn around and scowl every time. He eventually got up and stood by the bathroom. He was visibly disappointed when the fasten seatbelt sign illuminated. And for the next 20 minutes, he kept huffing and puffing like a 5 year old.

I'd finally had enough - I tapped the man on the shoulder and apologized. I told him I was doing everything I could to keep Will quiet but that Will had autism. All of a sudden, he was embarassed for judging. He apologized. After we landed, he tried to talk to Will and told him he did a great job. He has autism dumb ass - he doesn't get what your saying and he's certainly not going to respond.

I have to fly to California in October ALONE with both kids for my sister's wedding. It's already causing me unconscionable stress because I know there will be more asswipes on that flight...

Alix said...

I can be guilty of the annoyed look myself sometimes, so you've helped me to remind myself to be more patient. Thank you.

On the flip side {or maybe just here in North Florida} there is this really cute thing parents do called "do not discipline your children under any circumstances ever for any reason," and when the aforementioned spawn run amok, they parents are oblivious. THAT can drive you to Crazy Town pretty fast. But the poor frustrated embarrassed moms and dads, yeah - they don't deserve hell... they deserve empathy.

PS: You crack me up totally.

lin said...

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About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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