anyhow, the incessant flying, reincarnated potato salad footprints, or clumsy travelers is not even the reason for this offering so i apologize for the tangent. no this is about, obviously, the mile high club. if you arent familiar with the term, it basically is a slang way of referring to 'having sex on a plane.' i dont know who started the phrase or what the draw is to having sex on a plane. ass on a plane doesnt really appeal to me, honestly speaking. it just seems like there is an extremely higher price to pay for getting caught than the actual act. but honestly, thats also a tangent because thats also not necessarily what i'll be talking about in this post. although i must first preface that statement by stating, yes i am talking about ass on a plane, but not that type of ass.
ive noticed over the years that some people do not take kindly to children on planes nor their hosts (parents). on a recent trip, i witnessed one
about an hour into the flight, her kid was screaming and restless. well this jerk in front of her was huffing and puffing like some eighth grader who got tricked by his pals on opposite day. he kept glancing over his shoulder with that look that screamed, 'will you shut that kid up already!' his smugness was sickening and i sincerely felt for the lady. her hair was a mess, her face was red, and the embarrassment and shame literally flowed from her body. not to mention her kid was moving about like he was of tazmanian decent, and to top it off, she had the added pressure of the asswipe in front of her.
just a few thoughts mr. asswipe if you dont mind. i know you're busy being tough and all, but this wont take a second. im not sure if you've noticed, but anatomically speaking, children have shorter legs than adults. this may help you in understanding that at times their legs may bump your chair when they reach for something or when they are in their parents lap and are having a rough time processing life and why they are on this friggin plane this late at night. whats that asswipe? why dont parents just make their kids sit still for the duration of the flight you ask? well it sounds easy enough right? well for starters, i know, like jesus, there is no record of your early life and that you just magically 'popped up' on the scene all knowing. i know you somehow managed to bypass all the years where self control is learned and just came into the world completely mature and mindful, but not everyone is so fortunate. shocking huh? imagine the shock i faced when i had kids of my own and saw firsthand that children really are not all that mature nor are they respectful of others space. go figure. they're on this path called 'life' and it really is a difficult thing...for the kid AND the mom mind you. especially when they have the added pressure of some doucher, holier than thou, waste of space plane mate. i mean seriously? what i want to know is who exactly are you mad at? the mom? well, if she isnt the type that just allows her child to run the aisles freely and does nothing to help taper the child down, then please just relax already. no amount of passively griping will help. now if you're mad at the child, well, i dont know what to tell you bro, but basically just give up all hope. i mean life will get WAAAY more serious and you will surely encounter bigger villians in your days than some some sleepy toddler. so like i said, just give up hope. you should go play russian roulette with a chainsaw or take two ambien and nap on elm street. whatever you do, just leave the woman alone please. the flight is temporary and your ignorance is not bliss.
well i do hope my words though sticky with sweet sarcasm awaken pleasantness in you and that you save your asswipedness for: loud cell phone talkers, people who wear their bluetooth or neck pillow around while not in use, and plane farters.