Friday, May 14, 2010
i rinse my teeth with sprite
its friday so that means im getting back in the confessional saddle. thats right, im riding this horse for another week with anticipation and regret. im excited to be at it again, which is reason for the anticipation. yet i also have a touch of regret because i missed last week (only my second miss since joining this posse) and the glamazon says she wont be hosting next week due to some mouse problem or something like that ; ) anyway, me being the optimist i am, i will hopefully come back with guns blazing when she fires this puppy back up again the following week. having said that, this confession is a little late because things are still jumbled up in my life PLUS my youngest daughter was home from school today because she was sick as a dog. anyway, its time to get down to nitty gritty and confess things that until now, were only known by jesus himself, my wife, and me. kinda like the trinity of knowing me...wow that sounds super sacrilegious....
1. i was recently given the prestigious awards, the sunshine and versatile blogger awards. im honored by these and happy to hand them out, but the previous weekend i feel i SHOULD have received the 'kick ass husband' award. my reasoning is simple. if you recall, i recently said something about how the new nightmare on elm street movie looked terrible and i had no desire whatsoever to sit and watch it. well my wife wanted to watch it, and long story short.......i was right. the movie sucked in every way possible. (thats what she said) not only was freddie's make up terrible, the storyline was atrocious, freddie himself sucked, and there was absolutely zero redeeming qualities about the flick. i mean MAYBE a few of the girls in it were cute, but hardly enough to outweigh the hour and a half torture session......so that is my reasoning why i should have won. maybe next year keanu reeves will make yet another crappy movie and i can win then.
2. i say the 'thats what she said' thing too much. ive started saying it for apparently no reason and i think its time to put the phrase on a hiatus. the other afternoon, my wife says to me:
'honey can you do the dishes?' and i said...
'thats what she said.'
she was like, 'uhhh really? does that even make sense?'
'ummm i dont think so'
'so why'd you say it?'
'it just sorta slipped out.'
'well honey, maybe you should find a new saying.'
'i know but its just so tempting. cant you just let it slide and let me enjoy this for once?'
she quickly says in a whisper 'thatswhatisaid'
i say 'excuse me?'
'what. i didnt say anything'........
3. if you notice in confession #1, i spelled freddy kreuger's name like 'freddie'. i hope you noticed because that isnt how his name is supposed to be spelled. i hate hate hate when people default to spelling my name 'sammie'. thats just ridiculous and despite the fact that thats how a girl ought to spell it, defaulting to 'sammie' is completely backwards. thats like washing your butt crack and feet and then washing your face...or something like that.
4. i actually knew a guy in high school that would occasionally not brush his teeth before school, but he made sure on these days to rinse his mouth out with sprite instead. his defense when my brother and i would tell him how disgusting and damaging that was, was 'man get off my case already. you arent a dentist.' i'd be all like 'yeah i'm not a dentist, but im also not a butt doctor and i feel pretty confident in saying that if you put a lit firecracker in your butt, bad things will happen.'
5. in my last award speech, i mentioned that i get annoyed very easily. when people unnecessarily back into parking spots, i get annoyed. i think i get annoyed by things that make no sense to me. i guess backing into the spot saves them time from having to back out when they're ready to leave. which technically isnt true, but lets pretend it does. how much time is really saved? 10 seconds? 15 at the max? i mean unless you bought milk that will expire if you dont get home right away or plan on robbing the place and need to speed off in a hurry, there is no sense to it.
6. i also said i get consumed with mundane things. the other day i thought about the saying 'a bird in the hand beats two in the bush' and thought that it sounded ridiculous. i then thought about what i'd ask the guy who created this gem and how in the hell he came up with it. i mean a bird in the hand?? how is that even practical or relevant? if we were able to talk, i would soon attempt to pass off my own wisdom by telling him, 'well you know what they say, "a winking eye means the spaghetti envelopes are triangular..."
7. i am repulsed by arby's sandwiches. i havent actually had the meaty kinds before but i have been there. waaay back in the day of course. i mean really, the sandwiches look like some sort of meaty, sticky, and chronic case of camel toe on a bun.
8. you ever notice how q-tips can be a euphoric device or object of euthanasia. one second you feel like clay aiken watching a hot dog eating contest and then, all of a sudden, your ear is pain stricken and you then feel like a dragon who's had tabasco go down the wrong pipe.
9. i really find the 1030 cutoff for breakfast to be a ridiculous choice. i mean at 1030, sure its technically late for breakfast AT HOME but at a fast food restaurant? also, why does everyone fall in line with this idiot-ness? its not like its a law or something. am i the only one that thinks 1030 may be a little too early for a big mac?! i mean hell, most of the time my system is hardly even alert enough to know its being attacked by a mini double patty sandwich of death.
10. i confess ive made ALOT of bad decisions in my life. consequently, alot of those bad decisions involved a taco cabana or jack in the box, but that is besides the point. whether it was the time i threw a rock at a house while in the 4th grade, because i wanted to show all the other kids how it was done, or the time i decided to find out how fast my parents nissan sentra could go, and of course there was that time megan fox kept saying 'no' but i thought she meant 'yes' and, long story short, i have a court appearance next month. anyway, right up there with all these and other bad decisions ive made, going to the grocery store hungry is right up there. i always come back with the weirdest shit. i mean i didnt even know corn on the cob came in rootbeer flavor. nor did i know there was a radish flavored fruitopia. i also found a butterscotch flavored milk, but it has a short shelf life....maybe i should back into my parking space
- ▼ May (7)
- ► 2009 (45)