Friday, May 14, 2010

i rinse my teeth with sprite

its friday so that means im getting back in the confessional saddle. thats right, im riding this horse for another week with anticipation and regret. im excited to be at it again, which is reason for the anticipation. yet i also have a touch of regret because i missed last week (only my second miss since joining this posse) and the glamazon says she wont be hosting next week due to some mouse problem or something like that ; ) anyway, me being the optimist i am, i will hopefully come back with guns blazing when she fires this puppy back up again the following week. having said that, this confession is a little late because things are still jumbled up in my life PLUS my youngest daughter was home from school today because she was sick as a dog. anyway, its time to get down to nitty gritty and confess things that until now, were only known by jesus himself, my wife, and me. kinda like the trinity of knowing that sounds super sacrilegious....

1. i was recently given the prestigious awards, the sunshine and versatile blogger awards. im honored by these and happy to hand them out, but the previous weekend i feel i SHOULD have received the 'kick ass husband' award. my reasoning is simple. if you recall, i recently said something about how the new nightmare on elm street movie looked terrible and i had no desire whatsoever to sit and watch it. well my wife wanted to watch it, and long story short.......i was right. the movie sucked in every way possible. (thats what she said) not only was freddie's make up terrible, the storyline was atrocious, freddie himself sucked, and there was absolutely zero redeeming qualities about the flick. i mean MAYBE a few of the girls in it were cute, but hardly enough to outweigh the hour and a half torture that is my reasoning why i should have won. maybe next year keanu reeves will make yet another crappy movie and i can win then.

2. i say the 'thats what she said' thing too much. ive started saying it for apparently no reason and i think its time to put the phrase on a hiatus. the other afternoon, my wife says to me:

'honey can you do the dishes?' and i said...

'thats what she said.'

she was like, 'uhhh really? does that even make sense?'

'ummm i dont think so'

'so why'd you say it?'

'it just sorta slipped out.'

'well honey, maybe you should find a new saying.'

'i know but its just so tempting. cant you just let it slide and let me enjoy this for once?'

she quickly says in a whisper 'thatswhatisaid'

i say 'excuse me?'

'what. i didnt say anything'........

3. if you notice in confession #1, i spelled freddy kreuger's name like 'freddie'. i hope you noticed because that isnt how his name is supposed to be spelled. i hate hate hate when people default to spelling my name 'sammie'. thats just ridiculous and despite the fact that thats how a girl ought to spell it, defaulting to 'sammie' is completely backwards. thats like washing your butt crack and feet and then washing your face...or something like that.

4. i actually knew a guy in high school that would occasionally not brush his teeth before school, but he made sure on these days to rinse his mouth out with sprite instead. his defense when my brother and i would tell him how disgusting and damaging that was, was 'man get off my case already. you arent a dentist.' i'd be all like 'yeah i'm not a dentist, but im also not a butt doctor and i feel pretty confident in saying that if you put a lit firecracker in your butt, bad things will happen.'

5. in my last award speech, i mentioned that i get annoyed very easily. when people unnecessarily back into parking spots, i get annoyed. i think i get annoyed by things that make no sense to me. i guess backing into the spot saves them time from having to back out when they're ready to leave. which technically isnt true, but lets pretend it does. how much time is really saved? 10 seconds? 15 at the max? i mean unless you bought milk that will expire if you dont get home right away or plan on robbing the place and need to speed off in a hurry, there is no sense to it.

6. i also said i get consumed with mundane things. the other day i thought about the saying 'a bird in the hand beats two in the bush' and thought that it sounded ridiculous. i then thought about what i'd ask the guy who created this gem and how in the hell he came up with it. i mean a bird in the hand?? how is that even practical or relevant? if we were able to talk, i would soon attempt to pass off my own wisdom by telling him, 'well you know what they say, "a winking eye means the spaghetti envelopes are triangular..."

7. i am repulsed by arby's sandwiches. i havent actually had the meaty kinds before but i have been there. waaay back in the day of course. i mean really, the sandwiches look like some sort of meaty, sticky, and chronic case of camel toe on a bun.

8. you ever notice how q-tips can be a euphoric device or object of euthanasia. one second you feel like clay aiken watching a hot dog eating contest and then, all of a sudden, your ear is pain stricken and you then feel like a dragon who's had tabasco go down the wrong pipe.

9. i really find the 1030 cutoff for breakfast to be a ridiculous choice. i mean at 1030, sure its technically late for breakfast AT HOME but at a fast food restaurant? also, why does everyone fall in line with this idiot-ness? its not like its a law or something. am i the only one that thinks 1030 may be a little too early for a big mac?! i mean hell, most of the time my system is hardly even alert enough to know its being attacked by a mini double patty sandwich of death.

10. i confess ive made ALOT of bad decisions in my life. consequently, alot of those bad decisions involved a taco cabana or jack in the box, but that is besides the point. whether it was the time i threw a rock at a house while in the 4th grade, because i wanted to show all the other kids how it was done, or the time i decided to find out how fast my parents nissan sentra could go, and of course there was that time megan fox kept saying 'no' but i thought she meant 'yes' and, long story short, i have a court appearance next month. anyway, right up there with all these and other bad decisions ive made, going to the grocery store hungry is right up there. i always come back with the weirdest shit. i mean i didnt even know corn on the cob came in rootbeer flavor. nor did i know there was a radish flavored fruitopia. i also found a butterscotch flavored milk, but it has a short shelf life....maybe i should back into my parking space


Anonymous said...

Who the hell would want a bird in their hand anyway?? GROSS! (Birds repulse and scare me to death, lol.) If Arby's sandwiches are camel toe on a bun then I guess I love camel toe on bun! Their reuben's are my favorite.

Cheeseboy said...

I think Sandler addresses the 10:30 cutoff in "Big Daddy".

Love your take on q-tips! Ha ha! When I was a kid I stuck qtips in my ears and was walking around like Frankenstein. My brother slapped me in my ear and it started to bleed out of my ear.

I have not used a q-tip since.

Do they have Jack-in-the-Box there? We don't have Jack-in-the-box, but we do have In-And-Out AND something even better called "Five Guys". Both are perfect for "That's what she said."

Butterscotch flavored milk sounds good.

Karen said...

ok did ya'll happen to see the billboard across the highway from your hotel when you were here? Not sure what its for but it just says NICE RIDE (thats what she said)
BWAHAHAHAHA I saw it today and almost got whiplash then in a wreck I was laughing so hard!! Imma drive by it again and send Leslie a pic from my phone!! And you can discuss that backing into parking spots thing with your fellow men cuz I only know a couple women that do that, it's all ya'll!! But I agree, it takes the same amount of time to back IN as it does to back OUT!!
Hope Jadyn feels better and that no one else in the house gets whatever she has!!

Allyson & Jere said...

You did NOT say Clay Aiken at a hotdog eating contest! HAHAHAHA That was hilarious! Thanks for THAT laugh. Also loved your take on the 10:30 cutoff, I've always found it stupid too.

Linda Medrano said...

Sammy Sammy Sammy! New rule. Count to ten before you say, do, or think anything! It's helped me all these years. (That's what she said!)

Lora said...

I hate when people back into of spaces, but I love to pull through so my front end is out (that's what she said) if I drive into a spot and no one is in the spot in front of that. Does that make sense?

But I would never ever back into a space. Unless that was the parking lot rule. Lots of parking lots around town are so tiny that they make you back in so you can see what's in front of you when you're pulling out (that's what she said)

Lora said...

and the bird in the hand thing? sounds like a dirty joke. around these parts, bird/birdie is a widely accepted euphemism for penis. I'm not sure if it's like that everywhere.

insert "two in the bush" comment here.

and on that same note, the other little boy and the lady at my son's daycare call penises birdies, and now watching golf with my son is a never ending dick joke.

Linda Medrano said...

I wrote you a poem, Sugar. Come on over.

bananas. said...

okay...don't get annoyed but...

i'm so glad you mentioned #2. i was really starting to notice how often you say twss, and yes i just abbreviated it because i couldn't allow myself to type it out. i think it's a guy thing or something. kudos to your wife for bringing it up.

having said that, you still deserve that kick ass husband award because hell to the NO will i EVER go watch that freddy remake.

Lizzi said...

I have such issues with backing into spaces. Totally irrational (mostly) too.

Random, but our dog is named Sami - she's a girl but everyone thinks she's a boy.

Mr. Stupid said...

HAHA. Confessing all of that was very brave. Good job. I write confessions in my "Don't Ever Read" diary. I never get to read any of my confessions that way...:)

Have a good day!

Salt said...

RE: Arby's Sandwiches.

Oh my goodness, you took the words right out of my brain. Those things are so wretched. Did you know that you could get like 5 of those roast beef sandwiches right now for $1 apiece? I think that many of them at one time would give me a nightmare.

Small Town Girl said...

I'm right there with ya on the q-tips. We have a love/hate relationship.

Who does eat at Arbys? Really? I don't know anyone that does. How are they still in business?

GypsyFox The Glamorous Betty Crocker said...

hahah great blog!! your family is beautiful I must say & this post made me laugh..actually My brother spells his name Freddie..hehhehe growing up me & my friends always called him Freddie Kreuger LOL

Anastasia said...

and really the time it takes to back in, takes up any time you would save at the end of the shopping trip. So your milk will just have to go bad.

lin said...


About Me

My photo
texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

visit counter

free counter