Monday, June 14, 2010

picking wise

it was friday evening. it was after school and after homework and a hearty meal. i gathered the kids together on the couch to share what i had spent the last few weeks writing. i wanted this to be special or hopefully impact their lives for the better for many years to come. i wanted everything to be just right so i let the sizzle and crackle of the fireplace be the only noise in the room so they could focus and meditate on what i was about to speak. as they all sipped their hot cocoa and finished their crumpets, i turned off the tv to signify that i was about to go socrates on them.

on the chair next to me, i had set up what i was going use as my visual aid covered by a patterned blanket. at just the right moment, i began my speech.....

"ya know kids, ive been around and know quite a bit about how life works. i mean, kiera, when you were born i was 22 years old, in college, and working. i was all but forced to mature rather quickly and i hate to brag, but after 3 kids, i find myself to be a wise man. anyway, i saw this and knew i had to have it because it speaks the wisdom and knowledge that i desperately want to teach you 3."

it was going great. i unveiled my woodly wisdom which i found online. it was titled '5 simple rules' and when i saw it, i ordered it and immediately began to plan this moment. these 5 simple rules would usher my kids into an understanding of life that would never fail them. i hadnt quite got around to writing out all my words for the last two points, but i figured i would just let the momentum from the previous 3 propel me into my conclusion.

i continued...

"guys. its really simple. first off live everyday like its your last. dont take anything for granted and.....sammy, please take your fingers out of your nose when im talking to you. thats very rude, okay, and not to mention distracting. im trying to share somethings right now that are very important and i need your full attention. not half of it."

my son is the youngest and easily the most rambunctious of the lot.

"hehe half of it?? how would you even measure that?" said my oldest and wisest ass of the three.

"you know what i mean. just pay attention is what im trying to get at....jadyn are you snoring?"

"but dad this is so boring and im already sleepy from the cocoa. are you almost done or what?"

my middle is just that. THAT middle child and always speaks her mind even if its borderline rude.

"okay guys! listen, ive spent alot of time trying to get this just right, can you just give me a moment of your time? i mean the next thing i wanted to talk about fits perfectly. you have got to learn all you can. whether it be in school or 'on the streets', you have got to learn all you can. learn from your mistakes. learn when to speak up and when to keep now. you can never learn too much and...kiera? do you have to practice gymnastics right now?"

"im just working on my routine dad."


"well why not?"

"oh i dont know, maybe because i asked you guys to sit down and listen to my simple rules speech! ya know what, im going to try and not even get angry, because my next point speaks on the importance of laughter. a wise man once said, 'laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. guys you gotta learn to laugh"


"yeah sammy"

"i laughed today and it really was good"

finally someone was listening

"see! thank you for that my one and only son! what were you able to laugh at and how did it affect your young life? wanna talk about it?"

"today in school. my teacher sat in her seat funny and it made a fart noise. we all laughed."

"uhhh, first off take your fingers out of your nose. secondly, thats not what i was getting at."

"what do you mean?"

"i mean, when i say laugh, i mean...jadyn? really? are you juggling?"

"no not any more."

"yeah not now that i said something you arent! please, just sit down so i can go on to the next one!"



"whats gravity?"

"gravity? why?"

"i heard it at school."

"okay maybe another time sammy."


"......yes sammy"

"why are butterfingers so crumbly?"

"...cmon. are you serious right now? why are your fingers always in your nose? i dont get that."

it was not going as i planned. i had 4 pages of hard hitting life lessons and they werent listening. they were more side-tracked than the village people at an all male mud wrestling event. i went through the first 3 with little to zero success and was scrambling. i had no momentum and little prepared on the last two points, "love" and "life". i continued my plight through "love" and had to endure the onslaught of more random questions. my son asked about bassoons, my middle asked why quicksand was pretty slow, and my oldest asked why jumbo shrimp were still rather small. this wasnt looking good. i perked up for my last hurrah and decided to give it my all.

"kids. look i know you havent heard a single word ive said, but please just gimme 5 minutes to make my last point. okay?"

"sure dad." they all said in unison.

"okay. the last simple rule wait hold on a sec..."

"umm dad?"

"not now kiera."

"but dad! to 'life' technically isnt a rule per se."

"well...i know. but its like its the sum of the previous 4."

"okay?? but whats the name of that thing?"

"its called 'the 5 simple rules' why?"

"well because you like gathered us here making us sit down and stuff saying something about 5 rules or whatever but you should have been saying 'i have 4 rules and their sum.' did you pay for that thing??"

"ahem...first of all, you are grounded. second of all, yes i paid for it. i got it out of the skymall. and third of all, sammy get your fingers out of your nose!"


LiLu said...

*pulls finger out of nose*

Oh... sorry. You were saying?

Evil Twin's Wife said...

The nose is a tempting draw for the younger set. Very funny stuff!

Wym said...

I gave up after my daughter started crying every time I gave her a life lesson. Now I just scare her with clowns in drains and hobos panhandling. Boogiemen make an impact a 4 yrs!

Salt said... tried. :) Maybe if you do it all one-on-one style instead of family conference? And tying Sammy's hands to the chair so that he can't get to his nostrils?

Holli said...

I can envision the whole conversation... sounds like ones we used to have with our parents.....

Linda Medrano said...

Oh Sammy, they are going to remember that their dear Daddy tried to do them a solid. They just won't remember the details. (I'm not sure I remember the details either!) Happy Fathers Day!

Linda Medrano said...

Sammy, I have an award for you on my spot.

Mr Monkey said...

If I even try to make my monsters...err kids listen I wait till I have a taped episode of the Simpsons. Then I tell them until Daddy talks no Simpsons. Ground rules are important.
Mr Monkey

Sheliza said...

hahaha!! Shoulda had mom tell them the 5 "simple" rules!! hahaha :)

Small Town Girl said...

My dad made a lot of speeches (and yells), and at the time, I thought it would neeeveeer eeeeveeer end. I can actually remember a lot of the stuff he said. Funny thing is... I ask him about it now and he doesn't remember that particular speech or life lesson. Go figure! But hey...I've got something super cool for you at my place. Linda already gave it to you, but you deserve two.

mintifresh said...

Sounds like family lessons at our house, too. I figured I'd just wait till my kids have their own kids before I talk to them again. At least then we could have some sort of conversation! ;)

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Anonymous said...

Very easy to read and shown true emotions

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im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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