giraffen

this confessional thing has really become a big thing in my life. it has reached the level of having its own 'memo' area in my phone, so that when i think of something while driving or playing with the kids at chuck-e-cheese i can just jot it down. i like to think of it as little dear diary entries on steroids. if you havent participated, you should. its fun and you feel better in the process. and while at it, you should visit the glamazon's page regularly.

this week im doing this entry a little differently. i typically list about 8-12 different confessions ranging from everything between mercury to pluto the new last planet, but over the weekend my wife and i took our little ones to see the newest and last shrek installment and by the end of the movie i had already decided to make my confessional, one confessional sorta drawn out....random tangent but that was literally the longest sentence ive ever re-read. anyway, onto the drawn out confession


my lone confession this week, is that i really find it weird when adults go to what i deem to be a 'kids movie', without kids.

there i said it.

i know many people who differ and find it okay for adults to go to kids movies but whenever im in the theater, i always see them and think, 'wow thats weird.' i have friends who are like this so obviously i dont hold it against them or look down on them or anything for long , but they often say in defense of their weird movie choice, something like, 'well movies like shrek have hidden adult humor in it.' and i quickly retort 'yeah it absolutely does and im definitely grateful for it, but its in there for the parents and besides, you know why its hidden? because its a KIDS MOVIE.'

so 7 HOURS INTO THE MOVIE i soon had to go to the bathroom to evacuate what the 16 liters of pepsi did to my bladder. why is everything so expensive and large at the movie theater? and why are they all about 'expanding' stuff? i mean no matter what size drink you ask for, they will always counter with a bigger drink or popcorn option. its like, dude. i dont want to wheel barrow my popcorn back to my seat or stick a straw in my mini-cooler sized drink. we typically get snacks after we've taken our seats so we dont have to stand in those nile long lines. so after the pepsi made its exit, i made my entrance into what i thought would be a plethora of short lines. boy was i wrong. there werent alot of people, but they had a few lines open which made no sense to me. i mean didnt they know shrek was opening and that there would be tons of creepy adults snack friendly kids flooding their lines?

as i stood in line, i smelled something...odd. it was the kind of odd that would make you want to duct tape your face. not to mention look around and try to figure out where the hell it was from. after about 5 grueling minutes, i finally deduced that it was the guy behind me. i dont know if it was from his mouth or his oily body hair, but it was bad and every time he exhaled or wafted wind my direction, i thought a tsunami of mold had bullied my nose.

as i stood there waiting impatiently, i noticed this guy in a tank top and too tight jean shorts. i wont even comment on the fact that it was tucked in, but i do want want to comment on his tattoo. it was an awesomely multi-colored tattoo of a giraffe. now ive already stated my adoration for tattoos so i notice them on other people often. it was cool looking because it really had some great color and detail, but my mind soon drifted and i then began wondering why exactly this man had a giraffe as a tattoo? i mean a giraffe? really? of all the animals to choose from, you pick the one who's necktie would be 75ft tall? i drifted further into wondering why he had it. i bet he had some lame ass sentimental story for having too like, 'one time i was on this african safari and a grizzly bear was about to attack us and while we all wondered what the hell a grizzly was doing on an african safari, it was too late. he was coming to attack us. well there was this giraffe eating leaves with its long neck and the grizzly bear got sidetracked because he ironically took notice of the fact that if a giraffe was wearing a necktie, it would be 75 feet tall. how crazy is that? it really was more ironic than medussa at a snake charmers convention. anyway, while the grizzly stood distracted, we made our escape and he just harmlessly trotted off to chase fish and eat sticky honey....so i mean, if it wasnt for the giraffe, i wouldnt be here watching shrek with my 6 year old son 'giraffen'.

watermelons xyz

remember with me if you will to a short time ago when i posted some drivel about rootabaga's or something like that. well upon hitting the 'publish post' button, i realized at least four things. a few of those things being:

1. i have got to stop posting when drunk its past my bedtime.
2. the more you say 'rootabaga', the more you realize it really sounds filthy disgusting and its because of this filthiness that im sure the rootabaga will continue to live in obscurity.
3. 'rootabaga' is actually spelled 'rutabaga'. but when i first entered the word into my laptop, i entered it like 'rootabaga' because that is how i thought it was spelled. my 'plan' was to go ahead and keep it as 'rootabaga' but then add at the end something about how i purposefully spelled it wrong because blah blah blah. basically i was totally dissing the rootabaga because, well, im almost certain they taste like how a port-a-potty smells. anyway, if you didnt read that post, please check it out so i may make some sort of sense to you. if you did read it, you'll maybe remember that i didnt put that part in about purposefully spelling its name wrong because, well i forgot. i do that alot. especially when its happy hour at the bar past my bedtime. so now it looks like i neglected my contractual spell check obligations and if you've read my blizzle (blog) at all, you may remember that i cannot stand blatant spelling errors and thats basically what this damned 'vegatable' made me do...inadvertently that is.

anyway, i guess most people dont initially know how to spell it either mainly because of the aforementioned obscurity, BUT i noticed it and what was intended to be a diss on 'rootabaga's', ended up with me getting punked. i mean i was waiting for ashton kutcher to jump out and be like 'gotcha! take that you rutabaga hater!' (for those of you not in the know, ashton kutcher is president of 'FETA' which actually has nothing to do with cheese.) no the Fair and Ethical Treatment of Atrocious vegetables has been on my case since that fateful post, but im relentless. so to that i say, screw you rootabaga's. no one knows who you are and the ones that do think you are a stool sample posing as food. and not to be outdone, screw you FETA. your leader hasnt been in anything good since.........(wait gimme a sec)........uhhhh??........well i guess its that last camera commercial. whatever. i hope you continue on your plight into nothingness and the only groups that finds you satisfying are rats and leprechauns, because rats are possibly the worst thing ever and leprechauns dont even exist. take that jerks. i wish i had never even heard of rootabaga's.

well i did say i had four things realized. i went on a bit of a tirade, but i wont forget this time. there's this saying from where i grew up, maybe you've heard of it. it goes 'fool me once and i slam your ass in a blog and there is no second time.' so having said that, i used my anger for good and decided to channel that energy into another list of 10 things. this list is different though. i said i wished i had never heard of the despicable rootabaga and this list was bred from this wish.

so the fourth thing realized is that, instead of a list of 10 things you'll never hear, i should devise a list of 10 things we SHOULD HAVE never heard. in this list you wont find anything about rootabaga's. think of them as being grandfathered in. i will, however, continue to spell the name as i choose. and as for FETA, they can just keep whining with their cheese.


the list goes something like this....


1. 'well what if we go overboard with nasty meat.' -- arby's

2. 'nonsense dolly. a quadruple eleventy nine xyz implant isnt too big nor excessive.'

3. 'would you like to take my class?' -- keanu reeve's acting coach

4. 'sweet! i finally finished my script.' -- whoever wrote howard the duck

5. 'i wonder how much ugliness we could get away with.' -- design team for birkenstocks

6. 'appropriate? like whats that mean??' -- lindsay lohan

7. 'haha thats funny.' -- whoever first encouraged gallagher's watermelon routine idea

8. 'ive got an idea, take a whole lot off the front and DO NOT touch the back.' -- the first mullet guy

9. 'so i just squeeze it and abandon the sense of irritability?' -- the first to try an accordion

10. 'damn bro you are wearing those skinny jeans.'

mile high club

right now, my life involves loads of traveling. traveling in insufferable amounts to be more precise. naturally, the more i fly, the more i experience why it sucks so bad. cancellations and delays seem inevitable and is an easy way to screw up one's night. sometimes i feel like i must have been an ant in a former life and my buddies and i royally f-ed up a picnic outing by treading through the potato salad to damage the pimento loaf, but i digress. in a nutshell, flying this much stinks. because of the stench, i tend to look for ways to amuse myself and i must say; the airport has got to be the biggest collection of uncoordinated people ever assembled. i see people running for their gates w/ the lamest form ever and its like their joints arent even connected. i mean good thing there's no killer after them because they'd be done before they could even start the creepy score!


anyhow, the incessant flying, reincarnated potato salad footprints, or clumsy travelers is not even the reason for this offering so i apologize for the tangent. no this is about, obviously, the mile high club. if you arent familiar with the term, it basically is a slang way of referring to 'having sex on a plane.' i dont know who started the phrase or what the draw is to having sex on a plane. ass on a plane doesnt really appeal to me, honestly speaking. it just seems like there is an extremely higher price to pay for getting caught than the actual act. but honestly, thats also a tangent because thats also not necessarily what i'll be talking about in this post. although i must first preface that statement by stating, yes i am talking about ass on a plane, but not that type of ass.

ive noticed over the years that some people do not take kindly to children on planes nor their hosts (parents). on a recent trip, i witnessed one ass that infuriated me so much but if you werent looking you wouldnt have even noticed it. but i was definitely looking and definitely noticed his asswipedness.(<<--totally not a word but its my post sooo...) there was this thirty something mom by herself and her child was not having a fun day. we were supposed to leave at 8:30pm, but we didnt leave until 1 am. hell i wasnt having a fun day either. i was more upset than a guy with a uni-brow on a blind date that failed to mention that part.


about an hour into the flight, her kid was screaming and restless. well this jerk in front of her was huffing and puffing like some eighth grader who got tricked by his pals on opposite day. he kept glancing over his shoulder with that look that screamed, 'will you shut that kid up already!' his smugness was sickening and i sincerely felt for the lady. her hair was a mess, her face was red, and the embarrassment and shame literally flowed from her body. not to mention her kid was moving about like he was of tazmanian decent, and to top it off, she had the added pressure of the asswipe in front of her.


just a few thoughts mr. asswipe if you dont mind. i know you're busy being tough and all, but this wont take a second. im not sure if you've noticed, but anatomically speaking, children have shorter legs than adults. this may help you in understanding that at times their legs may bump your chair when they reach for something or when they are in their parents lap and are having a rough time processing life and why they are on this friggin plane this late at night. whats that asswipe? why dont parents just make their kids sit still for the duration of the flight you ask? well it sounds easy enough right? well for starters, i know, like jesus, there is no record of your early life and that you just magically 'popped up' on the scene all knowing. i know you somehow managed to bypass all the years where self control is learned and just came into the world completely mature and mindful, but not everyone is so fortunate. shocking huh? imagine the shock i faced when i had kids of my own and saw firsthand that children really are not all that mature nor are they respectful of others space. go figure. they're on this path called 'life' and it really is a difficult thing...for the kid AND the mom mind you. especially when they have the added pressure of some doucher, holier than thou, waste of space plane mate. i mean seriously? what i want to know is who exactly are you mad at? the mom? well, if she isnt the type that just allows her child to run the aisles freely and does nothing to help taper the child down, then please just relax already. no amount of passively griping will help. now if you're mad at the child, well, i dont know what to tell you bro, but basically just give up all hope. i mean life will get WAAAY more serious and you will surely encounter bigger villians in your days than some some sleepy toddler. so like i said, just give up hope. you should go play russian roulette with a chainsaw or take two ambien and nap on elm street. whatever you do, just leave the woman alone please. the flight is temporary and your ignorance is not bliss.


well i do hope my words though sticky with sweet sarcasm awaken pleasantness in you and that you save your asswipedness for: loud cell phone talkers, people who wear their bluetooth or neck pillow around while not in use, and plane farters.

the rootabaga line up

the other day i was talking to someone about texas and wishing i was there at the moment and blah blah blah. i grew up in san antonio and there is apparently good, if not great, hunting in those parts. im not a hunter, in case you're wondering why i said 'apparently'. ive actually only shot a gun twice in my life. he was all sorts of surprised at my admission because he assumed all texans: hunted, chewed dip, drove over-sized trucks, wore shit kicking boots and cow tipped. he was like, 'man i NEVER thought i'd hear of a texan not shooting up some shit.'

take it easy big fella. not all texans shoot up shit. anyway, i dusted off my 10 gallon hat and went about my way. i found it crazy that what he perceived of ALL texans couldnt be further from the truth. in my life anyway. i then thought about other areas where i might be surprised at what i heard. and from there...well this list was birthed.



its basically a list of 10 things you will NEVER hear. some are from people, some are even from inanimate objects. either way, im 99% sure you will never ever ever ever hear!




1) 'damn. im eating ramen noodles, could you pass the salt?'

2) 'boy, mikeys mom sure does make a mean rootabaga soup'

3) 'we are not diabetes in a straw' -- pixy sticks

4) '911? hey just wanted to say you guys are doing an awesome job' -- rodney king

5) 'sir where do you keep the rootabaga's?'

6) 'hey lets visit nebraska!'

7) 'man, my cat is soooo active!'

8) 'damn my feet smell awesome!' --any fly

9) boy, fran drescher's voice is pleasant isnt it?

10) 'oh. so this is what the stairway to heaven looks like.' --hitler





posters note: not quite sure why im picking on rootabaga's. actually, not quite sure why im even thinkng about them, but hell, could you pick one out of a vegetable police line up?

i rinse my teeth with sprite

its friday so that means im getting back in the confessional saddle. thats right, im riding this horse for another week with anticipation and regret. im excited to be at it again, which is reason for the anticipation. yet i also have a touch of regret because i missed last week (only my second miss since joining this posse) and the glamazon says she wont be hosting next week due to some mouse problem or something like that ; ) anyway, me being the optimist i am, i will hopefully come back with guns blazing when she fires this puppy back up again the following week. having said that, this confession is a little late because things are still jumbled up in my life PLUS my youngest daughter was home from school today because she was sick as a dog. anyway, its time to get down to nitty gritty and confess things that until now, were only known by jesus himself, my wife, and me. kinda like the trinity of knowing me...wow that sounds super sacrilegious....



1. i was recently given the prestigious awards, the sunshine and versatile blogger awards. im honored by these and happy to hand them out, but the previous weekend i feel i SHOULD have received the 'kick ass husband' award. my reasoning is simple. if you recall, i recently said something about how the new nightmare on elm street movie looked terrible and i had no desire whatsoever to sit and watch it. well my wife wanted to watch it, and long story short.......i was right. the movie sucked in every way possible. (thats what she said) not only was freddie's make up terrible, the storyline was atrocious, freddie himself sucked, and there was absolutely zero redeeming qualities about the flick. i mean MAYBE a few of the girls in it were cute, but hardly enough to outweigh the hour and a half torture session......so that is my reasoning why i should have won. maybe next year keanu reeves will make yet another crappy movie and i can win then.



2. i say the 'thats what she said' thing too much. ive started saying it for apparently no reason and i think its time to put the phrase on a hiatus. the other afternoon, my wife says to me:

'honey can you do the dishes?' and i said...

'thats what she said.'

she was like, 'uhhh really? does that even make sense?'

'ummm i dont think so'

'so why'd you say it?'

'it just sorta slipped out.'

'well honey, maybe you should find a new saying.'

'i know but its just so tempting. cant you just let it slide and let me enjoy this for once?'

she quickly says in a whisper 'thatswhatisaid'

i say 'excuse me?'

'what. i didnt say anything'........




3. if you notice in confession #1, i spelled freddy kreuger's name like 'freddie'. i hope you noticed because that isnt how his name is supposed to be spelled. i hate hate hate when people default to spelling my name 'sammie'. thats just ridiculous and despite the fact that thats how a girl ought to spell it, defaulting to 'sammie' is completely backwards. thats like washing your butt crack and feet and then washing your face...or something like that.


4. i actually knew a guy in high school that would occasionally not brush his teeth before school, but he made sure on these days to rinse his mouth out with sprite instead. his defense when my brother and i would tell him how disgusting and damaging that was, was 'man get off my case already. you arent a dentist.' i'd be all like 'yeah i'm not a dentist, but im also not a butt doctor and i feel pretty confident in saying that if you put a lit firecracker in your butt, bad things will happen.'


5. in my last award speech, i mentioned that i get annoyed very easily. when people unnecessarily back into parking spots, i get annoyed. i think i get annoyed by things that make no sense to me. i guess backing into the spot saves them time from having to back out when they're ready to leave. which technically isnt true, but lets pretend it does. how much time is really saved? 10 seconds? 15 at the max? i mean unless you bought milk that will expire if you dont get home right away or plan on robbing the place and need to speed off in a hurry, there is no sense to it.


6. i also said i get consumed with mundane things. the other day i thought about the saying 'a bird in the hand beats two in the bush' and thought that it sounded ridiculous. i then thought about what i'd ask the guy who created this gem and how in the hell he came up with it. i mean a bird in the hand?? how is that even practical or relevant? if we were able to talk, i would soon attempt to pass off my own wisdom by telling him, 'well you know what they say, "a winking eye means the spaghetti envelopes are triangular..."


7. i am repulsed by arby's sandwiches. i havent actually had the meaty kinds before but i have been there. waaay back in the day of course. i mean really, the sandwiches look like some sort of meaty, sticky, and chronic case of camel toe on a bun.


8. you ever notice how q-tips can be a euphoric device or object of euthanasia. one second you feel like clay aiken watching a hot dog eating contest and then, all of a sudden, your ear is pain stricken and you then feel like a dragon who's had tabasco go down the wrong pipe.


9. i really find the 1030 cutoff for breakfast to be a ridiculous choice. i mean at 1030, sure its technically late for breakfast AT HOME but at a fast food restaurant? also, why does everyone fall in line with this idiot-ness? its not like its a law or something. am i the only one that thinks 1030 may be a little too early for a big mac?! i mean hell, most of the time my system is hardly even alert enough to know its being attacked by a mini double patty sandwich of death.


10. i confess ive made ALOT of bad decisions in my life. consequently, alot of those bad decisions involved a taco cabana or jack in the box, but that is besides the point. whether it was the time i threw a rock at a house while in the 4th grade, because i wanted to show all the other kids how it was done, or the time i decided to find out how fast my parents nissan sentra could go, and of course there was that time megan fox kept saying 'no' but i thought she meant 'yes' and, long story short, i have a court appearance next month. anyway, right up there with all these and other bad decisions ive made, going to the grocery store hungry is right up there. i always come back with the weirdest shit. i mean i didnt even know corn on the cob came in rootbeer flavor. nor did i know there was a radish flavored fruitopia. i also found a butterscotch flavored milk, but it has a short shelf life....maybe i should back into my parking space

skee-ball

first things first, long story short, ive been away. not real sure where ive been, but suffice to say...ive been away. it feels like ages since i lasted posted. i guess it feels like that because it has been forever since i made my way to my laptop and shared the drivel that consumes my dome piece (aka brain). ive been away longer than a dyslexic turtle reading war & peace and its really frustrating. i always feel like i have crap good stuff to post, but often life gets in the way of me sitting down to formulate my excessive thoughts.

anyhoo, now that ive re-introduced myself to my blizzle (blog) and hopefully stayed in good standing with those who choose to even read what i have to say. to those who do read, i really apologize for being away. i mean i REALLY REALLY apologize. (i said it twice and put it in caps so i'd be really convincing...because i am. im more apologetic than a rabbit with ED)....what does that even mean?? enough with the whining and what not, its time to get down to business....(thats a blogging term for 'its time to start whining and write something ya bum')

being away is one thing. being away and coming back to an award is another. but being away and coming back to two awards is right up there with: skee ball, smooth snow cones, using alliteration and spandex (on a hot woman that is. because on ANYONE else its just wrong wrong wrong. the lone exception might be lance armstrong.)

this is just the position i found myself in (thats what she said) upon my arrival. the lovely linda blessed me with the sunshine award and the star gazing star child handed me the versatile blogger award. needless to say this makes me 'crunk'. i know people have differing views of these awards, and thats fine, but i love receiving them. the whole reason i started blogging was to rid my brain of all these damn cobwebs and other muck hear other peoples thoughts on my writing because i'd like to write screenplays when i grow up, and as much as i adore this lady living with me, (aka wife) her sole opinion cannot be trusted. and trust me i quite literally need the affirmation because if i wrote everything that stumbled through my brain, i'd have about 10 followers and 8 of those would be blogs i would have created just so i could follow myself.

as with all awards, they come with rules. generally speaking i follow rules and by 'generally' i mean 'when i feel like it.' i think im supposed to share the wealth with 12 others for the sunshine award and 15 for the versatile award. i think that is waaaay too many so i'll pick choose as i see fit. dont judge me. the versatile award thing also states that i must state 7 stateworthy things about myself. of course i must link back to them and the only thing you have to do is go and check them out. trust me you wont be sorry.


The Sunshine Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blogging world. these are the chosen ones:

amy- i know amy beyond this keyboard and screen. we went to school together and she is one of the few who would still follow my page if i were to write all that crossed my mind...maybe

star child- a great sense of humor, funny ass stories, and a variety of topics are found on star childs page.

the glamorous life of hausfrau- a relatively new find for me, but when i clicked on her page, i was hooked. and fyi, PLEASE PLEASE stop by her page tomorrow!! you will not be disappointed and thats all im saying. hehe

the catons- fittingly, sunshine is what i think of when i stop in for a visit.

texas britches- she's from texas....not that i should have to say anything else other than that, but she is hilarious and a great sense of humor...plus she has mr t on her page and she's from texas.

mommywood- miss brittney holds the distinction of teaching me the strike thing and i couldnt me more happy that she did. i was driving myself crazy trying to figure that damn thing out. you have got to stop by her page simply because she's hilarious and sunshiny

lizzi- a great photographer and writer. i love reading her random thoughts because they make mine less lonely.

kat- nobody uses the f-bomb better!! she's like the samuel jackson of blogdom and thats all im saying!!!


and most importantly, thank you linda for sharing the wealth. you have really got to stop by. it does not matter the topic she chooses to write on, you will love it and keep coming back for more. (that. is. what. she. said.)



the recipients for the versatile baller award are:

alix- no doubt you will enjoy your stay at alix's page. what a crazy, wild, and hilarious woman. it is impossible to stop by and not enjoy your stay.

lora- if versatility were humps, she'd be a camel pregnant with quadruplets. not quite sure that makes sense, but trust me, you will get feverish with delight by reading her words.

terry- oh terry, terry, terry. what a clown! that is a good thing mind you and let me tell you, stopping by is definitely good for the soul, because you will laugh your ass off. she is also the first to break my blogging award cherry and i will forever be indebted.

glamazon- as if her title wasnt enough clue of her awesomeness, her page is twice as better than her name. she is also host to the only meme i can 'handle'. the friday confessional has been the honey to my tea for some time now.

linda- this is the same miss linda that gave me the sunshine award. you never know what you are going to read on her page. she has a wise ass husband that she says im similar to and that makes her a-okay in my book. never a dull moment and a great read.

salt says- a relatively new find for me, but it didnt take long to find out she is one hilarious lady!...oh and she gets extra points for her tattoo obsession as well

bananas- simply stated, she is bananas and out of her mind...in a good way of course. she also gets the extra points for the tat obsession thing...oh and the drinking thing

OTV- warning: do not go to her page if you have bad grammar....well you can and should still stop by because your laughter will make you forget the berating you will receive. seriously, she is hilarious and actually reminds me of chelsea handler...except she's not blonde...or white...nor is she a drinker.....BUT she is hilarious.

mrs. d aka the uber-milf- calling yourself the uber milf, is more than enough reason to check her out. she is absolutely funny funny funny and she accomplishes this with stories that happened in real life or things in her head and all is laced with just the right amount of swearing.



small town girl- lastly, another texas gal that is simply 'my homie'. i wont get into the whole sleepwalking bit, like i did the last time i gave her an award, but i cannot get enough of her page. i mean really, she swears, she drinks, and she's from texas. the trifecta.

the rules for this award also states that i must share 7 things about myself:

1. im obsessed with all things mundane. most times i have 7000 things swimming through my head that really have no relevance until i blog about it or somehow sprinkle it into everyday conversation. (which usually gets the weirdest looks)

2. i re-read my own blog on occasion. arrogant i know but i honestly surprise myself at times when i read things ive put down.

3. im about 90% sure that sarah silverman has taken the lead for 2nd place in my female comedian jocking. if so, she will have surpassed chelsea handler but not betty white. its actually impossible to pass betty white.

4. randomness is my friend. she calls me on the phone and we have lunch dates often.

5. i actually found this out the other morning: i apparently would chance pissing the bed because i didnt feel like getting up at the time, but when i realized the sooner i got up the sooner i could eat frosted flakes, i was already down the stairs.

6. i get annoyed easily. the other day someone left me a voicemail and left their number faster than indian food leaving the body and i got so annoyed that i couldnt get the number that i refused to even call back.

7. lastly, this should be my new profile: im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.


thank you linda and star child. i can now get back to my regular irregularities...

im the stranger you ought to listen to

in my last post, i mentioned how terrible kesha was as a musician. i feel like im dirtying up the word musician in using it to reference miss kesha. i also feel like im dirtying up the dollar sign by using it in her name, as she spells it, so ive since refused to type it to reference her. anyway, i really do find her music crappy (you dont understand, i really need to crap when i hear her) but its not only her music that makes my ears feel as if a brillo pad has been rubbed against them. there are unfortunately tons and gobs of people who simply have less talent than yoda's use of a boner.

i guess thats just the state of music today. its more about image than actually being able to sing worth a rip. i guess to look at the glass as half full, the fact that the music industry isnt really about music DOES make real artists stand out more. having said that, my wife and i absolutely love and adore corinne bailey rae. if you arent familiar with her, you should take my advice and give her a listen. and yes you should take my advice. just think of me as the stranger waiter who suggests what you should have for dinner even though i dont know you. her music style is a beautiful mix of jazz, blues, r&b, and neo-soul. to make an artist comparison, she's between norah jones and alicia keys.

my wife and i had the pleasure of not only seeing her in concert at the house of blues, but getting to meet her after the show. i love it when artists sound just as good in person so we were happy to hear her sweet voice echo through the standing room only crowd. getting to meet her was even better than hearing her sing. i mean what a sweet sweet woman. i think one of the few things she has in common with chelsea handler is how they both smile with their entire face.

all in all, it was a great show and a great night (thats what she said). she really is one of the few artists out that i would buy their cd without questioning or having to listen to it first. i would buy it simply because she had one out. this is us after the show. you'll have to excuse me looking tired as hell. i look tired as hell because thats how i look after drinking too much ; )





during my recent, short leave of absence, i mentioned going to visit family, get a tattoo, and a certain child of mine walking into a certain bedroom, while my wife and i were doing a certain 'dance'. i said i would post some pics before armageddon soon so i figure i better get to it before satan's army leaves Washington DC hell and prepares for battle.

here is my newest nephew. in my brothers words, 'this is my lil boy! he's gangsta!' i swear this baby boy looks so much like my oldest daughter as a baby. holding him took me back to the days of diapers and late night feedings. this is where my wife found me somewhat helpful, because i figured i may as well be productive while staying up at all hours of the night. it also reminded me of the first piece of parenting wisdom my mom gave me when my first daughter was born.

mom- i dont think you're ready for kids

me- you're probably right, but who is?

mom- i dont think you understand the depth of parenting.

me- you're probably right but who does?

mom- well do you know you have to change their diaper EVERY TIME?

me- you mean i cant flip it inside out?

mom- NO! are you crazy?!

me- so i guess theres no underwear they can wear just yet either huh?

mom- absolutely not!

me- can i put the diaper in the washing machine? or maybe the dishwasher?

mom- i feel sick...

me- well before you throw up, tell me a good time to start them on solid foods? like steaks and shit? 1 month? 2?








and here is my son messing with his uncle. im just saying, it is in your best interest to NOT fall asleep before my son. he's a great kid, but im just sayin'.











just so you know, i had the hardest time (thats what she said) trying to take this pic and NOT look and feel like some myspace hoochie. i still feel like i failed though. the newest tattoo is the one across my chest. it reads, 'everybody dies but not everybody lives.' i'll talk more about our other tattoos and show off some of my wifes artwork very soon. (she's really talented)
anyway, my wife and i are really big into tattoos and, believe it or not, she has more than i do. she's actually kicking around the idea of being a tattoo artist herself. i told her that i will obviously be her first gig and the tattoo will read 'my first tattoo' along with the date. this one here didnt hurt too bad except for when he had the needle point on my effing sternum. i could feel the vibrations all the way into my throat.....and that my friends......is what she said.