5 simple rules? and marshmallows with wings

from the beginning of time, there have been numerous inventions or advancements that are both extremely beneficial and utterly pointless. those in the beneficial department would definitely include: telephones, cars, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the two piece bathing suit, the two piece from KFC, and of course whatever removes the pulp from orange juice. all simply world changing. while examples in the lame category would be: telephones/cellphones when owned by about 40% of all teenagers, cars when operated by about 85% of all teenagers, circus peanut candies, skim milk, or about 50% of what's in the sky mall magazine. for those who have never seen one, its one of the in-flight magazines on all planes. they also have a website you can visit, which i find a tad ironic.

anyway, i was thumbing trough this ode to nonsense on a recent flight and found a few gems...to clarify, by 'gems' i mean the kind that adorn kids toys or those found at piercing pagoda. here are just two of many that may need to be re-tooled. trust me, they are no peanut butter and jelly!

the first: 5 simple rules?

okay simple enough right? i imagine myself sitting on the couch with the embers of a warm fire crackling in the background while i deliver a poignant speech to my kids. i point to my 5 simple rules plaque and i say to them, 'kids, life is simple. ive learned 5 rules you need to live by. first of all you really need 'to live', sammy get your fingers out your nose! ahem, secondly, you need 'to learn' all you can. kids you need 'to laugh' often and maybe most important, you must 'love'. lastly guys, you need to...ahem 'to life'.

(here my smart ass daughters jump in)

kiera: uhh, dad, 'to life' is not a 'rule' per se.
jadyn: yeah seriously, what are you talking about?
me: well you know what i mean. its like the sum of the previous 4
jadyn: uhh okay?, buts that 4 rules dad. you said you had 5
sammy: can i have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
me: no sammy! not now!...and get your fingers out of your nose!
kiera: yeah dad you should have said you had 4 rules and their sum. did you pay money for that thing?
me: go to your room! all of you are grounded!

the second 'invention' that couldnt hold the two piece bathing suit's jock is this thing...




thats right it shoots marshmallows. the items description actually left me dumber:
This clever pump-action device shoots sweet, edible miniature marshmallows over 30', and it even has an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for pinpoint accuracy. The easy-to-refill magazine holds 20 marshmallows (or foam pellets, not included) for fast, nonstop action. Barrel and magazine are top rack dishwasher safe, and the back of the box includes a target for practice. Ages 6 and up

i thought i would re-write it for them:
this item comes in handy for those annoying s'mores you're trying to make that are, for some reason, up to 30' away. and while those pesky graham crackers stand just...out...of...arms..reach at least there's the beam you can aim at it. dont worry the beam wont harm your brother if you decide to pelt him with the pellets instead of marshmallows. there is also a tear away practice board you can use to hone your skills. so when you go outside and impress your friends with your accuracy, make sure the marshmallows dont land in an area where an animal has peed. for ages 6 and under because thats the maximum age who could possibly find this item worthwhile...for a couple hours anyway.