Tuesday, June 24, 2008

mudd butt (hehe...just gimme a sec)

so i havent posted in forever and a day and im foaming at the mouth to start this baby up again! my homie amy even made me a new banner thingy for my blizzle. sweet huh? anyway, ive been meaning to post on a new experience i took part in sometime ago. not the easiest thing to openly talk about, ive noticed, but it certainly is a hell of a come back post! having said that, welcome to what i call 'the mudd butt experience'... aka hydrotherapy colonics! (hopefully you've by now picked up on why call it such.) please check out the short animation of the procedure before reading if you've never seen the process. its a trip!

so im really intrigued by how the body works and the things it instinctively does(or can do). i eat pretty healthy and excercise quite often (duh)but lately ive had the worst feeling in my stomach region lately and could not figure it out for the life of me! por ejemplo, i would eat egg whites and oatmeal for breakfast yet would feel like i had a McRib sandwich (gross) and washed it down with an irish car bomb(not gross but a horrible breakfast drink!) i see the chiropractor and get massages regularly and have done acupuncture many times. so between these treatment types i was somehow put on the path of colonics. i wish my latest 'adventure' was as easy to openly share, but when dealing with the bowels, silence seems greatly appreciated! my trip started out non threatening enough with all the anatomy talk and what not. i felt at ease talking about the liver and its functions and how our diet and the environment can effect it positively/negatively. but then like a crashing wind, the instructor put an abrupt end to my short lived peace. the 'she' im referring to is lori, who is a licensed colonics instructor. or 'butt cleanser' i think the technical term is. after a julius ceaser like setup, she asked if i had any other questions. trying to stall the process, i say, 'i put gas in my truck today and it cost $70!'. 'uhh sammy i meant relative to your cleansing and that wasnt even a question!' 'well you didnt let me finish. i was going to ask if you could believe that and it kinda is relative because i did refer to gas.'

'enough!' she shouted as she walked over to a drawer to pull out a canister of vaseline. 'go ahead and insert yourself here on the nozzle.'

this is when what little amount of calmness i still had suddenly departed. my tongue is cinder block heavy and all i can stammer is, 'umm yes ma'am'

the good thing about the process is that ms lori is absent for most of the process. she gives instruction on how to get setup for degradation, i mean, how to get setup and then she leaves. there is a call button right next to you, but c'mon, unless this death machine is spouting out scalding hot water or i see an organ leaving my body, i aint touching that thing! after i...gulp, inserted myself, she said i could go to sleep or read a magazine. i was like, 'oh yeah? go to sleep huh? well you have lost your entire mind if you think for one second that im taking a nap while my rear is being invaded!'

at one point she did come back in to check on me though. dont worry she knocked first.

'so how do you feel?' she politely says.
'quite odd and feminine actually.' i politely say
'odd and feminine? why do you feel odd and feminine?
'seriously?! are you asking me this right now?! for starters, the soft music has got to go! cant you play metallica or tupac? or at least just something not so...touchy feely. earlier you were standing over me grasping a jar of vaseline while my britches and underwear hang helpless across the room. i violated my male tramp which reads 'exit only'. you've repeatedly used the word 'insert' without it being in reference to coins. and, oh by the way, there is a plastic nozzle in my bum!!'

the 45 minutes oozed along like molasses and could not have gone by any slower. by the end of the death sentence, i must admit that i do feel better. i must also admit that i had an incessant need to grow some hair on my chest, chop some wood, or eat a hoagie. even though the thoughts and feelings of summers eve, frilly doilies, and butterflies still linger i must say it was a fair trade-off. as a whole my body feels better. i can push my myself harder (hehe, pun kind of intended) in the weight room which translates to better on field performance. i sleep better and have a clearer mind, epitomized by this post, which helps with energy levels throughout the day. also, lori was informative, helpful and easy to talk to especially in light of the subject. when dealing with crap evacuation, the instructor must be able to say 'poop' with a straight face.

so if you're a lady and would like to delve deeper into your own kind or if you're a fella and are not opposed to the descent into the ya-ya sisterhood, then the mudd butt experience is for you.

8 comments:

Dawn said...

Um, don't assume all ladies can relate. I'm cracking up right now though - you are such a trip!

Melissa said...

I don't even know which part was the funniest! HAH! I was seriously laughing out loud! I agree--YOU'RE the trip!

Amy Metz Walker said...

OMG, I am laughing so hard right now and trying not to get any mental images of tubes inserted anywhere!

First of all: "...but then like a crashing wind" not only describes the procedure, but also this blog!

Second: Did you really have to use the phrase "ooze along like molasses?" in THIS post. Seriously!

HILARIOUS!

AUwalk25 said...

Wow! That was some funny shiz and I could actually follow it! Losing the molasses definitely cleared your mind...I'm pretty sure that you just broke man-law #3section 28 though!

Nathali said...

My Dear Sammy - Love your tale to death and back! You're hysterical and of course - courageous!

It's about time someone spoke about how important hydro therapy is. I'm so glad it's you and not me.

You brave man.

sammy said...

dawn- your probably right about the assumption, but you said you were cracking up sooooo- mission accomplished!

mel- uhh, i think we about covered all our bases via text messaging!...btw for all here, lori is not the voiceover played during the animation. lori is way cooler and less 'english sounding??'

amy- what if i would have said, 'time slid by like i was sliding into home and my pants were full of foam...'(get it, get it?)

dusty-good call on the man law. although getting a male tramp stamp tattoo is #27!!

nathali- you can call me 'the trendsetter'!! thats all i do all day is breakdown barriers! barriers of though! ; )

sammy said...

as a side note, i also feel the need to say that i was remarkably impressed that the whole building did not smell totally awful! how that place doesnt wreak of 6 day old mulch and cheese burrito is beyond me!!

The wife said...

Just found your blog through Chapters! First, I can't believe you would put yourself through this torture treatment. Second, I can't believe you'd blog about it.
Third, I'm glad you did because it made me laugh my ass off!!

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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