Thursday, April 3, 2008

oz-we-pay (dont worry i"ll eventually explain)

right now, my life involves loads of traveling. traveling in insufferable amounts to be more precise. naturally, the more i fly, the more i experience why it sucks so bad. cancellations and delays seem inevitable and is an easy way to screw up one's night. sometimes i feel like i must have been an ant in a former life and my buddies and i royally f-ed up a picnic outing by treading through the potato salad to damage the chicken marsala but i digress. in a nutshell, flying this much stinks. because of the stench, i tend to look for ways to amuse myself and i must say; the airport has got to be the biggest collection of uncoordinated people ever assembled! i see people running for their gates w/ the lamest form ever! i mean good thing there's no killer after them because they'd be done before they could even start the creepy score!

anyhow, the incessant flying, reincarnated potato salad footprints, or clumsy travelers is not even the reason for this offering. no this is about, well, let me first explain the title. on an older episode of saturday night live, there's the depiction of a package being delivered to kevin nealon's(i think) home. the carrier then says, 'i have a package here for a mr. asswipe'. an annoyed nealon quickly corrects him and tells him the correct pronunciation is pronounced 'mr. oz-we-pay'. i havent seen it in forever, and hardly do it justice, but the skit is absolutely hilarious. so there you have it. this post is about, plainly stated, asswipes. i dont mean asswipe in the general sense either. im talking the airport variety type asswipe. once again, let me explain.

ive noticed over the years that some people do not take kindly to children on planes or airports for that matter. on a recent trip, i witnessed one guy (asswipe that is) that infuriated me! if you werent looking you wouldnt have even noticed it, but i was definitely looking and definitely noticed his asswipedness.(<<--totally not a word but its my post sooo...) this poor lady was by herself and her child was not having a fun day. we were supposed to leave at 8:30pm, but we didnt leave until 1 am! hell i wasnt having a fun day either! about an hour into the flight, her kid is screaming and is moving about quite wildly. well this jerk in front of her was huffing and puffing like some eighth grader who got tricked by his pals on opposite day. he kept glancing over his shoulder with that look that screamed, 'will you shut that kid up already!' his smugness was sickening and i felt for the lady. her hair was a mess, her face was candy apple red, her kid was moving about like he was of tazmanian decent, and to top it off, she had the added pressure of the asswipe in front of her! 

just a few thoughts mr. asswipe if you dont mind. im not sure if you've noticed, but anatomically speaking, children have shorter legs than adults. this may help you in understanding that at times their legs may bump your chair when they reach for something or when they are in their parents lap and are having a rough time processing life and why they are on this friggin plane this late at night. whats that asswipe? why dont parents just make their kids sit still for the duration of the flight you ask? well it sounds easy enough right? well for starters, i know, like jesus, there is no record of your early life. except in your case you somehow managed to bypass all the years where self control is learned and just came into the world all knowing and controlled, but not everyone is so fortunate. shocking huh? imagine the shock i faced when i had kids of my own and saw firsthand that children really are not all that mature nor are they respectful of others space. go figure.

well i do hope my words though sticky with sweet sarcasm awaken pleasantness in you and that you save your asswipedness for: loud cell phone talkers, people who wear their bluetooth or neck pillow around while not in use, and plane farters.



for the record, i met the owner of the word asswipe and we worked out a deal where i get $100 for writing this and $10 for each time i said asswipe.

3 comments:

Amy Metz Walker said...

lol...very funny! But I do have to point out that most people don't take "chicken marsala" on a picnic. Eat sandwiches, much?

I've been on planes where someone's child has made me want to pop birth control like candy b/c they did NOTHING to control the kid, but an apparently frazzled mom trying her best. Cut her some slack, a$$wipe.

sammy said...

its a fancy picnic okay! ; )

birth control like candy huh?! hilarious!

yeah i understand when the parent isnt trying to do anything, but sheesh!

Dawn said...

I love it Sammy - keep it coming.

As a mom who's traveled frequently with her toddler, I have to agree with you here. We do what we can to "control" our little ones who are used to running and jumping most of the day, then we force them to sit still and quietly on a plane for hours at a time, usually after long security lines, delays, etc. There have been times when we've tried everything to calm our little guy down, and I mean EVERYTHING (Benadryl anyone?). I've literally started crying myself on planes because of my child. But nothing works. We've literally had to let him blow of some steam until he calms down. It's not that we're not doing anything to gain some control - it's that we already have and nothing worked!

And please know that we know everyone around us is annoyed - you can see it on their faces when they board the plane and realize they are sitting next to a kid. They don't try to hide the fact that they are annoyed. I don't hesitate to give them the "f you" look right back. Unfortunately, travel is just part of our lives, and we learn to take it one leg at a time.

From someone who's getting on a plane tomorrow morning, I saw "f you" to the *sswipes!

About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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