Saturday, June 26, 2010

eloquent tokens

hey sorry for the delay, but ive been busy doing alot of amazing things the last few days. i mean i dont mean to brag but im literally the sweetest person i know. ive been donating my precious time to some precious causes. its been tough because im already an amazing father and outstanding husband and that zaps alot of my time. they were fortunate i was fortunate enough to be able to speak at a few very distinguished events within the community and...what can i say, they were lucky i was lucky to be free chosen. just to name a few of the places ive been the last few days: i went to a gala
for "teaching heidi pratt basic math skills foundation" and it was really great. i also shook hands at a lovely dinner party for the "council of teaching domino's pizza how to use tomato sauce that doesnt taste like butt and feet." that was an amazing dinner. then there was the smaller mixer benefitting the "loose stools. again" committee which was put on by taco bell. now this wasnt as big an event as, say, the "can you say loserville" put on by the folks at skinny jeans, but what gave the taco bell mixer a stronger impact was ceo Kevin O.PECTATE gave a moving yet lengthy talk and, long story short, there wasnt a dry eye in the building.

so, as i said before, if that doesnt say sweetness, i dont know what does. not only do i think so, my friends linda and small town girl also apparently think so. apparently. they both bestowed the same award on my stoic shoulders. as with all awards they come with rules that you are supposed to follow with the emphasis on 'supposed'. i do what my wife tells meever i want so im going to bend them a bit. the rules state that i must state 7 things that ive mastered, but being the vigilante that i am, im going to make a different list. what you are about to read is not a list of 7 things ive mastered, because ive only mastered one thing and that one thing is randomness. thats right, sometimes i make shit up. so im listing 7 examples of my mastery of randomocity....well actually the beginning was pretty silly too so...whatever. anyway be forewarned, this could get ugly.....

1) Speaking of forewarned. You ever wonder what the difference is between the words 'warn' and 'forewarn'? Well I did, so I looked them up. it said forewarned meant to warn in advance?? so how is that different from just a regular warning? arent all warnings beforehand? i mean if I was about to punch someone in the lip and warned them after the fact, that wouldn't be a warning would it? That would be more like a reminder.

2) Is it just me or does m&m's have too many options now. They have recently come out with a pretzel filled m&m. How silly is that? It should just be plain or peanut with a possible special edition candy. I mean that's not even an m&m anymore. next thing you know they'll have an m&m filled with beef jerky. then after the beef jerky they'll surely come out with the m&m thats actually a skittle. and naturally after that, the m&m filled with salad dressing will line our shelves and thats just disgusting.

3) Have you seen? the smurfs are getting redone. They're supposed to be more up to date or current looking. I don't know about all that, but I do know thinking of the smurfs always makes me think at least 3 things: 1) when the smurfs sing "the blues", do they call it the "me's"? 2) for the longest i was convinced that it was only acceptable to fart in public if you were very young or very old. Well at least that's what the lady at bed bath and beyond told me. just recently ive decided to add 'being a smurf' to this list simply because the male to female ratio is overwhelmingly in favor of the alpha smurf. so basically for the male smurfs, 99% of their day is spent amongst other male smurfs and that equals, well....fart away. 3) and consequently, no matter how little smurfette dates, she will always be considered the town whore.

4. So I assume I'm not alone in my thinking that there are about 3 too many settings on most toasters. I mean every time I somehow manage to burn my toast, I immediately think "shit." I'm absolutely not thinking "shit...I wish there was a setting for it."

5. So if a unitard is a single and completely irrelevant article of clothing, a unicycle is a single wheel used mainly by clowns or other circus performers, and unibrow is a single and ridiculous strip of hair across the eyes, then why does unisex mean its for anyone and not a single sex? I mean its for men AND women. and unibrow offenders alike. Wouldn't that make it at least bisexual? Its pretty confusing actually, but I at least know the terror we all know as skinny jeans are bi-curious.

6. I've said before that if I were an atheist, I would point to snakes and spiders as evidence there is no god, because he had to have foreseen that crap movies like snakes on a plane and 8 legged freaks would find their way to our movie theaters and what kind of loving god would do that to us? I'd also like to add another ammo shell to the atheist arsenal...parrots. Yes parrots. More specifically, I'm referring to parrots that talk. Now there are at least, what, a bazillion different types of animals. And its out of this vast array of animals that I find it odd that parrots got the speaking voice. I mean parrots?! Really? They just seem like they would have the worst and most horrible speaking voice. And lo and behold they do. it really is terrible and aggravating. Its like even more annoying than the racket produced by a centipede on a 1000 crutches. and now that i think about it, I bet the rhinoceros would have the coolest voice. I bet it'd sound like a mixture of barry white and optimus prime while smoking a cigar.

7. so i was at chuck e cheese the other day and as usual, i couldnt have got out of there any sooner than i finally did. every time i leave that wretched establishment my ears are always ringing like 6 bees landed in my ear. chuck e cheese is a pretty cool place despite the loudness and the having to dodge an occassional abomination kid that is severely underwatched by his parents. not to mention that its one of few places that carry mellow yello on tap. after we found a crumb ridden booth to sit, i just sat back and people watched for a good 15 minutes. as i scanned the room, i saw what looked to be an 8 year old birthday party. i then saw another birthday party a few tables over but this kid was a little older. i then noticed all the balloons and bags said happy 13 birthday...happy 13?! isnt 13 a little too old for a chuck e cheese party? i mean isnt that a silly way to usher in your teenage years?? i just cant see celebrating my 13th with creepy human sized puppets and 8 year old humans. then again i did see this same kid literally skipping around from game to game. i feel pretty confident in saying that 13 is definitely a little too old for skipping to be acceptable. i have a 10 year old daughter and she doesnt even skip much. although she has always come across as more mature than her age because she carries herself so eloquently. but then again she does tend to argue with her brother and sister over who got more tokens. chuck e cheese will do that to a person. it will make you want to party with puppets. it will inspire you to skip, even though you're past the skipping age limit. and with all the video games present, you will possibly act less eloquently when shiny tokens are present.

thank you again miss linda and small town girl. you gals are amazing and i get butterflies in my tummy whenever i see you guys have commented on something ive wrote. please, visit them now and visit them often.


Brittney said...

omg you are too funny with all this randomness I love it.. however i surely hope that you are not talkin about me as the losers od skinny jeans.. you know my weight loss site? haha or are you talking about skinny jeans that the little skater emo kids wear then i would totally agree with you! :) haha

Evil Twin's Wife said...

CEC is nothing more than a germ holding station. I loathe it. It'd be better if the food was actually edible, but no...Sadly, it's bad food and germs a plenty.

Riley Kai said...

as usual...LMAO!

Linda Medrano said...

I am in awe of your randomness! You rock, Sammy! And of course, we do understand that you have been very busy. One word, please don't go to Chuck E anymore. It troubles me.

Monkey Man said...

Random indeed. Not only do parots talk, but they out live you. That is ungodly. So are smurfs and chuck e cheese. What's next? A remake of Teletubies?

Mr. Stupid said...

You sure have been doing some amazing things. Hilarious post. Loved the randomness.

Lora said...

parrots! ha!

And the long and lengthy speech thing made me laugh aloud too.

Mr Monkey said...

funny stuff Sir,
Mr Monkey

bananas. said...

in hawaii they had coconut filled m&m's which in my opinion was very fitting. however, i stick to the peanut m&m's. any other type just gets confusing.

here's a question for you...if i do recall you're a big fan of bacon. am i wrong? if not what would you say about bacon filled m&m's? i forsee that in the future.

MJunaid said...

What an impressive way you have for sharing the useful articles with us.

Tree said...

I saw a couple comments you made on Cheeseboy's blog, and thought if you were anywhere near as funny as he is, I had to come check out your blog. I'm a follower now. LOL

13 years old at Chuck E Cheese, huh? Wow! My twin boys will be 13 this month and they like going with their little sister to play the games, but to celebrate their birthday?! Yeah...don't think so. :)

Congrats on your awards too!

Lizzi said...

That whole Chuck E. Cheese bit is disturbing. 13??

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gream said...

I think you need more Margaritas to blot out those images! LOL.

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About Me

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texas, United States
im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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