dude

you know how they say oil and water dont go together? or whitney houston and bobby brown? or chinese food and breakfast? or lindsay lohan and rationalism? well ive got a similar situation going on in my life too. truth is its been going on for as long as i can remember. the fact that i like to stay up late at nite AND that i love sleep in truly is a pairing made in satan's armpit. i mean there is minimal good that can come out of repeatedly leaning on the snooze bar every morning all the while staying up late channel surfing or surfing the web even. my mornings are doomed and i, not to mention, often wake up more frustrated than heidi montag looking at this math problem "9+4=__ ..show your work".

again there is very minimal good that comes out of my channel surfing binges. the funny thing is i rarely even watch a full show. i just sorta go from channel to channel, stopping only when my eye catches something. the other funny thing is that i mostly watch the infomercials and make fun of em or i watch the commercials and i make fun of them too. the laughter tends to keep me up longer into the night though. ive tried counting sheep and even numbering bottles of beer on the wall, but by 23 bottles of beer or 11 sheep im like, 'dude...shut up already.' when counting gets too tedious and aggravating i sometimes try ambien, a prescription level sleeping pill. what is funny about this that sometimes the ambien makes the commercials/infomercials even more hilarious because it really makes you loopy if you try and stay awake. actually i try not to take most sleeping aids because i always feel so groggy in the morning. but i did hear melatonin is great for help in sleeping and you can get it without a prescription so i decided i'd give it a try. so the other day i went to 'rite-aid' looking for the 'right aid' hoping they'd have some i could try. if they didnt, my 'right aid' would have to involve a trip to the liquor store. its raining outside and the thunder is crashing like earthquakes. maybe the rain will help me rest up and im sure turning off the tv would help but its just too enticing.

when i was flipping through the channels, i stopped at this one guy doing one of those 'motivational talks'/cd's/seminars. you know the type. similar to a tony robbins. i forget what the guys name was but he at least looked like he could motivate. i mean he walked and talked like he invented the word motivation. he would stand there and talk about god knows what, but he did it so proudly looking. like a statuesque elk in the appalachian mountains. on the other hand, jillian michaels from 'biggest loser' and 'that new show' show she's on doesnt seem the motivating type for some reason. or maybe its not that she isnt a good motivator, but that the idea of the show is so ridiculous to me. she seems to be more on the side of trying to deliver some poignant speech than offer dieting tips. its like all i can see when they show her and she's supposed to be delivering some encouraging and heartfelt spiel about 'doing better', is how many times the director had to yell 'CUT' to get the speech just right. thats why i hate reality tv shows. they are so NOT reality. give me the elk dude any day.


the tv also informed me of all the new cleaning scents they have for floor cleaners and what not. strangely enough, whenever i think of floor cleaners im instantly beamed back to the days of my childhood and how my brother and i would always spend the night at our friend richard's house. we had the best sleepovers over there. we would play video games, eat cookies and pizza until we passed out from the grease and sugar rush. in light of all the fun we had, i most remember going over there and smelling the overwhelmingly strong pine sol she had just used to douse the floors with. richard's mom was great because she was the type that felt if she was having company, she had to have everything perfect. even if her guests were 12 year old dudes that most likely wouldnt even notice until much later and when one of them was writing a blog about it. so we'd get tons of sweets even though, in return, we would most likely spill on her freshly cleaned floors or drop slimy pizza slices face down on her carpet. i swear she had a pine sol iv coursing through her floors. they smelled incredibly strong but its like she mixed regular smell good products with the pine sol, because her kitchen always smelled like pine cones dipped in honey and, again, those damn floors were clean as a whistle! they were squeaky clean! they were squeakier than virgin mouse.


i always look at products they sell now in regards to mouth cleanliness and think things like, 'dude. we have toothbrushes with grips on them, ions in our toothpaste, and vanilla flavored mouth wash??' i mean, how vigorously do people brush their teeth that they need a comfort a grip? its just all so crazy to me. appreciative of course, but still crazy nonetheless. i remember a teacher i had in middle school that would have definitely benefitted from the technological advances because apparently they werent around at the time or she hadnt heard. when i say her teeth and breath needed some work, trust me, it was really bad. i mean i wish i had taken the apple for your teacher thing literally because i would have stopped everyday and picked up an apple if it meant me not having to endure her outdoorsy breath. it smelled like a pet store and im almost positive she brushed her teeth with sugary icing. i really wish some of those ions would have invaded her mouth and teeth so i wouldnt have been so fearful of asking questions and risk her approaching my desk and watering my eyes. i did make that mistake a few times and am positive she's the reason im terrible at math. every time i would submit and ask a question, i would nearly die of the anticipation that she would feel the need to come to my desk. each time i would ask the question, my eyes would be wider than a paranoid owl and within minutes i would either be breathing a sigh of relief because she answered while sitting at her desk, or i would be in the nurses office asking for a cold towel for my forehead and toothbrush so i could rid my mouth of the taste of vomit. damn...now we both need vanilla mouthwash.


my wife and i dont exactly have a 'green thumb'. i mean the closest we get is when we brave my sons laundry basket without gloves. there are tons of things sold that are supposed to help you get a nice yard if you so desire. we dont, but if thats your thing, there are TONS of things you can put on your grass to get rid of weeds and crabgrass. there was this guy in our neighborhood that would always yell at us for playing in or even near his yard. he was always afraid we'd kick a ball in his petunias, trample through his manicured grass, or our dogs would defecate or hump too much in his yard. we would all be like 'dude. relax already. is it really that serious?'. whenever we'd be near his house, i'd undoubtedly think at least three things: 1) your yard is my dogs bathroom. get over it. 2) your yard is like a doggie motel or something because all the neighborhood dogs seem to go there to hump.....3) dont ALL animals technically 'do it' doggystyle? if so, why exactly did dogs get the credit?


oh well, as the rain continues so does my channel hopping. hopefully i'll doze off before that off air programming starts annoyingly buzzing. channel surfing? who started calling it that anyway? its really an odd term when you think about it. i mean did the surfers invent the term? my best guess is that one night some surfer guy was up late talking a friend and said, 'dude. you know how we pound waves and crash through the water almost daily? well thats what it feels like im doing to the channels right now.'




ps- im doing the big reveal to my previous post on friday as part of my friday confessional. if you havent guessed which i listed, please read my last post and see if you can figure out what told yall.