no joke

while perusing the internet i somehow stumbled across these ACTUAL childrens book titles. i found them both horrific and hilarious.


well...alot more horrific than hilarious though.





















































out of all of these titles, dr. heinrich hoffmann's is the weirdest. i translated everything written on the platform thing for you. it reads 'i wear my green spandex outside my shoes but who cares, my hands look like rakes and my torso just looks odd. not to mention my hair is 3 feet high and 6 feet in diameter'.




i dont know why my kids have complaints of nightmares all the time.

hopefully your kids wont have the same complaints when you undoubtedly go and seek out these sweet books

bloody marys

viva las vegas

i love that damn town, but 3 days is about the max i can do out there. the past trip was a short one, but alot of fun. we were there for one day and it was a last minute trip. or should i say, 'rockstar trip' as its known among our circle. we call it that because we go for one day and usually dont even get a room. that was the plan this time but while there i got a hook up on a room so we stayed there all of 37 seconds. i timed it.

we had fun, drank, gambled, drank, drank, drank, and gambled. we did damn good on the tables and like i always say, it aint gambling when you win. i swear i said that before i heard it in the hangover. during one of our gambling breaks at 2am, we decided we would set out to find something to eat. my whole body is so jacked up from inordinate amounts of the opposite of sleeping, eating at various times of the day/night, drinking vodka and cranberry/redbull, occasional late and early coffee, and of course the very random bloody mary's i drank?? vegas is the only place i drink those bloody(hehe get it) things. anyway, while in the restaurant, we were sitting around drinking, eating, and talking when behind me i heard a splash on the ground like someone had spilled a large glass of liquid. i used to work in food service ages ago and whenever i heard 'that sound' i would always think 'damn that sux! someone has a bad spill on their hands.' so naturally that was my initial thought when i heard the all too familiar sound. as i turned to see the misfortune some waiter was going to have to clean, i quickly saw that it wasnt just a water, coke, or bloody mary. i turned to see some lady sitting at a table by herself throwing up. she would just sit there, lean over to throw up, resume eating, lean over again to barf, take a few more bites, then resume showing us all what she had eaten over the last 6 weeks. i think she had a bloody mary because her spew had a reddish tint. then again it could have very well been the lining of one of her organs because she was heaving quite ferociously. she must have been REALLY messed up because she heaved at least 6 times. oh and she kept eating after each bite. guess the must have been that good especially the second time around. vegas is by far THE BEST place to see some crazy shit happen right before your very eyes.

when the gambling was over and we had to get to the airport, the craziness was about to continue for me. i had a red eye out of vegas leaving at 820 and a connection in LAX. the flight from vegas to LA was thankfully short because i was apparently sitting next to a wildebeest posing as a person. oh my god, this dude had a pungent odor emanating from his skin AND clothes. i felt like i was going to end up like the restaurant barfing lady it was so bad and odoriferous. i was in the aisle seat and wolfman was in the middle. not only did he remind me of a dirty diaper that somehow fell behind the changing table and now 6 weeks have gone by and i decided to open it up for shits and giggles, but this dude snored soooo loud! i mean it didnt even sound real. i wanted to be like, 'okay guy. good one. you've got our whole section of the plane laughing at your faux snoring now wake up because its getting kind of annoying...plus you smell like a petsmart.' but for the rest of that thankfully short flight, gangrene man snored like he was in a 3 month hibernation. i guess if was to look on the bright side i could say that ive always wondered what i would smell like if i: worked in the yard for 2 hours at the hottest time of the day mainly handling fertilizer and mulch, left my tshirt buried in the mulch over night to 'marinate', put the shirt back on the following morning to wear to the gym, then went directly to play basketball for 2 hours, then went for a jog directly to the hospital where i helped deliver twin boys. oh and i forgot to put on deodorant...what? havent you wondered that as well?

new york city

first off, i cant say 'new york city' w/o saying it like that old hot sauce commercial when one of the cowboys exclaims 'this stuff was made in...new york city!?!?'. as if to say that one of the most culturally diverse places in the world couldnt whip up a great hot sauce. but i digress.

hehe anyways, i was in new york city over the past weekend with the wife and kids in tow. we drove up with another couple and their kids and while there i realized at least two things:

1- i could not would not, live in new york. or new jersey for that matter but thats for totally different reasons. i couldnt live in new york because i simply cannot walk that much, the parking is ridiculous, and im not a jerk driver. i would not live in jersey because thats where jersey shore is based and i dont want any affiliations with that show or its cast.

2- i like taking pictures and if i could go to any five cities to mosey around snap at will i'd choose: new orleans, philly, chicago, somewhere out west and random like cheyenne, wyoming, and after the weekend i have to add new york to the list.


i did take some pictures but its hard to go off and get the right shots while keeping the kids safe from the locals stampeding about madison ave and new york cabbies.




we all made our way to the minskoff theatre to see the expensive...ahem i mean, exemplary play 'the lion king'. i knew my girls would dig it, but i was moderately worried my son would burp or pass gas at 'just the wrong time'. not that there is any good time for your child to break wind in public, but i just knew he would do it just as mufasa was dying or during some other sentimental moment like that.



but surprisingly he did well with it all. the only time he got restless was just before intermission but hell i was restless and ready for more wine. there was a bar in the lobby but to drink alcohol you had to drink it in the lobby or do as my wife and i did...drink it from one of the sippy cups they sold the kiddie drinks in. nothing says classy like drinking a nice merlot through a bendy straw.




before we got into the theatre, we were sitting down in the lobby eating candy and drinking wine when i noticed a guy in the corner doing push ups. he was in slacks and a button down so i figured he was part of the show and was trying to 'pump up'. when we took our seats, i saw this same fellow a few rows up sitting and ready for the start of the show. i thought, 'i guess he's going to get out during the middle as part of an audience participation type thing. kinda like they do in vegas shows.' well he sat there all the way to intermission. maybe he'll spring to action after that i thought. while out re-filling our sippy cups and taking my son to the bathroom to stretch his legs, we saw said guy in the same corner doing jumping jacks...yes jumping jacks. now i dont know what the hell to think. his brow was gaining sweat and he was still in his button down and slacks, but the likelihood of him being part of the show is, well, not likely. anyway, long story short, i guess he was some meathead guy who gets inspired by the lion king to pump up??

very weird.

pudding pops

im 32 and 33 is just about around the corner. ive also been married for 11 of those 32 years. i dont why i felt that was a good precursor to what im about share, but i did so whatever.

the other night, my wife of 11 years and i were about 15 seconds into a hanky panky session. i was just about to 2nd base when my wife starts to chuckle a little. a bit perplexed, the following conversation took place...


well actually, what i was really wearing at the time may shed light on the matter...






me- are you kidding me? whats so funny?

her- i cant kiss you when your dressed like that

me- (looking down noticing what she's talking about) oh. are you serious??

her- (still laughing some) no no, its fine

me- uhhh okay??

--i go back in for another smooch only to be interrupted by more laughing. so now im getting frustrated

her- i cant make out with you like this. i feel like im making out with bill cosby!

me- its not even going to help now if i take the thing off will it?

her- hahaha i dont know?!?! its too funny now!





so now im beyond frustrated. im pretty mad. im madder than a centipede w/ restless leg syndrome or a giraffe with strep. my wife is sitting here laughing at me and my outfit and it wouldnt even help if i was to change now because she's already in that silly mood thanks to my fashion faux pas.

note to self, if you plan on doing the horizontal square dance with your woman, dont resemble mr huxtable or its off to the cold shower for you my friend. and on that same page, women you should avoid looking like one of the golden girls.

well maybe except blanche

while rummaging thru old pics...

the other night i was going through the waaaay overdue process of loading all my pictures back into my computer. my computer crashed some time ago while driving drunk(hehe get it) and consequently i lost tons of music and photos. thankfully i keep all my disks handy and readily available to load back up in a jiffy. and by handy i mean scattered all over the place.

anyway, while waiting for each disk to finish loading, i saw pictures i forgot i had. pictures i wish i didnt have. and pictures that made me realize how fast my kids are growing. my kids are now 10, 8, and 6. the boy will be 7 in march and for some reason i like referring to him as 'the boy'.

**tangent alert**

you ever notice how the terms 'son' and 'daughter' arent interchangeable like other terms we use for family members?? hehe lemme explain ; )

while walking out of my son's room after putting him to bed, he always says 'goodnite dad. i love you'. when my wife walks out of the girls room, they both say 'goodnite mom. i love you'. so of course when we're walking out we say 'goodnite son. i love you too'. but while walking out of our girls rooms, we cant say, 'goodnite daughter??'.

**tangent over**(and that totally sounded like one of those 'deep thoughts, by jack handy' saturday nite live skits! please tell me you remember jack handy!


anyway, my point??...oh yeah, here are some good pics of the kids and other stuff i came across...



this is from london last year in one of those backwards riding taxi's...





christmas 2007




my rearview mirror on any typical day







at a museum in pittsburg a few years back with the kids looking very 'charlie's angel-ish'







in the backyard in texas a few years back. why is my son all ripped up??







my wife looking all hot and what not ; )









my baby girl!!!






i forgot all about this pic. it was taken the same day as my profile pic. for whatever reason, self portraits are weird but fun







i swear this girl should be modeling for the gap






i swear this boy should be locked up ; )





happy jelly...oh come on like you wouldnt take a picture if you opened jelly and it was smiling at you





stucco church buildings look creepy to me





i look in my rear view mirror and see what appears to be a cloudy wave about to engulf a mountain





the double decker bus in downtown dallas...hehe just kidding, its from iraq





well this one actually is from iraq.

this really is one of my favorite pics ever. i was there in feb '09 and this was in a blackhawk traveling from kuwait to iraq. thankfully he didnt have to shoot that thing but he did stay ready like that for a majority of the trip! amazing

our own thing

one of things i love about family and christmas time is creating our own traditions and memories. i remember growing up and my brother and i would really get into decorating the christmas tree. i mean REALLY get into it. i mean we damn near over did it. so much so, that when we were teenagers and the 'feeling' had somewhat passed, we looked back at how we used to over decorate our tree and we actually likened to a hooker. we honestly had enough tinsel and mangled lights to make santa cuss.


one tradition we started is that out tree goes up dec. 1. ahem, well close to that anyway. when we decorate, our tree typically has all the decorations centralized at the bottom portion. this mainly is because our kids focus on this one area till we tell them to share the wealth. then we get tired of feeling 'bossy' so we let them do what they wish with the poor tree and then we rearrange after they've went to bed...well only somewhat because we also like the fact that all my son's decorations (ie cars, transformers, star wars etc) are sorta in one bunch. anyway, this is our tree as it stands now. actually there's tons of presents under there now, but this is how it looked within the first couple days of being put up...





kinda puny looking i know, but it does the trick and the kids have fun putting up all their stuff plus we have them make about 5 ornaments each out of laminated construction paper and a bunch of other add ons they choose from target. i also have my own ornaments i make sure go on there. again, you can completely see that this is NOT my parents tree. mainly because i have a pair of christmas dice on the tree. there's also some kinda nerdy stuff i like. i like star wars and have ornaments i chose myself.


these are some pics of the kids from a christmas party we went to the other night. of course my son cant take a 'regular' picture.


miss jadyn








miss kiera






mr sammy (actually wearing one of my ties)






all of them choosing their own tree to pose in front of





and last but not least, i SWEAR this is the actual christmas card we sent out to everyone. we almost paired this card with a 'normal' pic inside, but opted to stick with this doozie. so if you didnt get a card its probably bc i dont know you know you or because...ahem its in the mail ; )


MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE MORRIS'!!!

up to speed

i havent posted in quite some time so to catch yall up to speed and to post random rubbish...here goes nothing

we had a good thanksgiving. this year marked the second time my wife did the whole spread by herself. maybe not all that an amazing feat for all the martha stewarts out there, but my wife isnt exactly aunt jemima. i dont say that at all in a condescending manner either. i mean she can cook but just not all the exotic or extremely difficult type meals. again, i really dont trip or think less of her at all. i mean the kids like her and she's got a great bum, so i say thats 'even steven' ya know. anyway, the food was great and all 5 of us got stuffed. my kids and i ate a whole pecan pie in 2 days. at one point, in between one of my many food coma's, i started to wonder about thanksgiving and christmas dinners and why for some reason i find the tradition somewhat 'odd'. dont get me wrong i love to eat and the fellowship is great, but i started to wonder why cramming our faces and bellies is somehow the way to show 'thanks' and 'seasons greetings'? i dont know, maybe im rambling. after all, what doesnt say thankfulness and seasons greetings like merciless diarrhea and random naps??...

okay now i know im rambling...anyway, on to the random rubbish




1. two sayings i now find completely idiotic are: 'the customer is always right' and 'a mind is a terrible thing to waste.' the customer is right actually about a paltry 25% of the time and the latter is shattered by this gem...





this is its actual description:Your upper body is what makes you beautiful and appear to be fit or not. Yet, almost every home gym product in the last 25 years has only offered exercises targeting your abs, thighs and cardio vascular system. The SpringFlex changes everything!

Numerous repetitive stress injuries have been linked to sitting in front of a desk all day. Lower metabolism and increased weight gain have also been linked to a sedentary work day. But what if you could get a workout when you are just sitting at your desk?

Easily attach the SpringFlex to your desk, door or a similar surface. The SpringFlex lets you do over 120 exercises virtually anywhere at anytime.



i havent the slightest as to how this contraption even works. so where to start?? hmm lets start with the fact that this guy apparently has his shirt off while 'working out' at his office desk?? NUMEROUS repetitive stress injuries? c'mon now, to say there's numerous injuries by sitting at a desk is ridiculous. the item description ends by saying "Easily attach the SpringFlex to your desk, door or a similar surface. The SpringFlex lets you do over 120 exercises virtually anywhere at anytime"...120 exercises?? really? anytime? anywhere? okay smarty pants, can i do it in my car? can i do it in a red lobster? on a bus?




2. the fact that vests often cost more or equal to a whole jacket is silly. thats kinda like getting 4 cokes in a six pack and charging 10 bucks.



3. dont believe the hype. broccoli in ice cream isnt all that great. (dont ask. just shake your head in confusion)



4. i wonder if ancient egyptians really walked like the girls in the 'walk like an egyptian' video or as depicted in hieroglyphics?...like in everyday life.


5. how awkward is it when people ask your opinion about baby names and you say you dont like 'chester', but they later end up choosing it. so now, for forever, they know you dont like their sons name. probably more awkward for family members.


6. so why do movie critics critique kids movies? for whatever reason thats kinda creepy to me. i know some say its for the parents, but c'mon, when i go to the movies with the kids i watch the movie, but not in a critical way because ITS A KIDS MOVIE!


7. top hats and turtlenecks are easily the worst clothing inventions ever.


8. the other day we bought a media cabinet from pier 1. i was enthralled by the DO NOT DROP label on the side of the box. i mean who has to be reminded not to drop a box?? obviously the purchaser of the box doesnt need to be reminded because they know the content. the people at pier 1 SHOULD NOT be reminded for 2 reasons: they either (a) also know whats in the box or (b) dont know whats in the box which means they SHOULDNT drop it for that reason!...thanks captain obvious



9. did you know ramen noodles has an expiration date? i know, surprised the hell out of me too. my question is, what exactly would tip you off that they're even stale? thats the equivalent to putting an expiration date on styrofoam. dont they already seem stale?..."hey honey, can you check the date on the ramen noodles? yeah they taste a little less like congestive heart failure."


10. i doubt the r&b group 'tony toni tone' would have been as popular if their name was jeff

not embarrassing at all...

the other day my computer crashed. we lost all our stinkin music, our stinkin photos, and every stankity stank thing we had on our compooper. and yes, it was a damn mac!

anyway, we ended up waiting a long as we could without a 'main computer' in the house hoping we could find someone who thought we could salvage the old one, but even then our laptop was on its last legs. at least my son isnt putting loose change in all the slots like its an expensive portable video game or something. anyway, we ended up getting a new computer the other day and my kids attacked it soon there after. my wife and i love the photobooth feature on it, basically because there are all kinds of crazy things you can do and apparently one of those crazy things is make a homemade video...no not that kind ya perv, the kind where kiddos play like their teenie bopper singers like demi lovato, miley cyrus, or members of some bubblegum band like the jonas brothers, none of which look alike mind you or the black eyed peas...wait black eyed peas?!...yup. my kids decided to make a 'video' of the song 'imma be' and they didnt even use the radio version the little boogers! sheesh




these are each of my kids to the T!!!!!

..also my kids absolutely dismantled and destroyed our room!! the box from the computer is still sitting right there with all that styrofoam crap dusted across our floor! i swear leave em alone for a couple days and look what happens!!!!

ahem, thats a joke.......




s

IV

i re-posted the following because i started typing it one night and after one too many cups of egg nog, i was unable, unwilling, and too unhealthy to finish typing. so now that my cholesterol has returned to normal and i no longer dry heave when eggs or noggs(whatever that means) are mentioned i thought i'd put it back in order...




i have two of the sweetest daughters a father could have. i mean they are polite, attentive, funny, helpful, smart to name a few of their qualities. some mornings my 10 year old will have already made breakfast and took the dog out. yes, 10 years old. every report card they've had say something along the lines of 'kiera (my 10 year old) jadyn (my 7 year old) are a joy to have in class. they're respectful of the classroom rules and they always have their homework.' its like God took the best qualities from the mrs and me and made two spectacular little girls

i swear the room fills with bubbles and can smell flowers and cotton candy when i talk about them like this.

...but wait, i smell something else as well. (sniff sniff) it smells like someone put tobasco on the cotton candy?? the flowers are now trampled and smell of urine??...oh wait, its just my son pictured here...







as evidenced in this picture, he cant just take a regular picture. yup, lil sammy IV. he's the fourth and a one of a kind mind you. there is no such thing as a simple/quiet/serene/dull moment until he is tucked away in his bed. my daughters have the cutest most infectious laughs you could imagine. my son on the other hand, simply has the most infectious hands. im still doing the proper research, but i swear his dirty clothes hamper had something to do with the swine flu outbreak.

he's also into girls...already. i mean like we'll be at the mall and he'll double-take when he see's a pretty girl, young or old. he's 6 years old btw. while at a celtics game, whenever the cheerleaders took to the court, everyone else was obsolete. we've actually caught him undressing his sisters barbie dolls. he was 3 at the time.

the other day, we were all at a restaurant eating dinner when he said he had to go to the bathroom. so i escort him because i dont like him going on his own basically for two reasons: 1. who knows what creepy folks hang there. 2. i dont want my son sneaking a peek up some ladies skirt. at any rate, he has to "drop a deuce" as he actually calls it. ahem, which is partly my fault but i swear i dont know where he got the looking under dress thing!...i havent done that in years.

he walks in the stall and closes the door. no one else is there so all i can hear is water splashing and the soft tones of a 6 year old humming the black eyed peas hit 'imma be'. while i wait, i decide to play texas hold em poker on my phone. i wait i play. i play i wait when two teenagers walk in saying whatever nonsense teenagers say that they think is cool. they sorta look at me with that 'what he hell are you doing here' look because there's an open stall next to me. so i tell one that im just waiting on my son. so he goes in the stall and his friend uses the urinal. so now IM the creepy guy hanging out in the bathroom playing poker on his phone. im also the creeped out guy because there's three people around me urinating and going #2 and im apparently in the audience. just when things couldnt get any more creeped out, while still sitting on the porcelain throne, my son calls out from behind the door

'dad it stinks in here, did you fart?'
im like 'no sammy, thats probably you'.
'haha okay. i did a big one!'
'okay hurry up'
--feeling the need to change the subject, his next words were
'dad when i get big will i have a big one like you?'

he's innocently asked this before and he's not talking about his stool. also the other times he's asked me, we were at home and not around strangers.

if you've never seen a black man blush, come hang with me and son for a day and i'll show you one.

i say all this in jest of course. well some of it anyway. he is extremely smart and reads well above his age level, but its just hard to see because the boy is out of his mind(he's read his oldest sisters books since last year)

despite his crazy/embarrassing antics, i wouldnt have him any other way...well i guess i could without the swine flu in my house...

food coma induces excessive shopping

with another thanksgiving looming, that can only mean another phenomenon follows. black friday. its the day where people have just eaten entirely too much, so naturally spending too much is the obvious follow up.

its a day where people flock to the malls to buy crap they dont need but still claim to have saved money. i guess i think thats what most people do anyway. i seriously doubt a majority of people have a washer breakdown, for example, in july and think 'oh i'll just do without till black friday'. i doubt very many people are filling 'a need' when they descend upon the doors of their favorite stores.

the whole thrill of the day escapes me and has about as much relevance as those giant jawbreakers. i have a hard time seeing the draw to camping outside a store for several hours, sometimes in terrible conditions, to save a few bucks and trample the feeble in the process.

a few years ago i heard about a walmart in florida that opened their doors to a slew of deal seekers and in the process a few people were run over. and by run over i mean footprints on their skulls leaving them in hospital. the thing about the story that really tripped me out was that a few people were complaining...about walmart that is! one woman interviewed said she was upset walmart didnt do enough to protect them. walmart? protect you? i dont know what all walmart could do to protect them except maybe post signs that read, 'to all of you waiting outside like wolves on a bloody carcass, please refrain from stepping on any faces on your way to huge blowout deals we have on digital cameras and those bagel sized toasters.'

i dont know exactly what my deal is with the whole ordeal, but theres just something gruesome about seeing people mob a place, and people possibly, to 'kinda save' a few dollars on crap they normally wouldnt consider if it wasnt the day after thanksgiving.

hummus

i bet my wife and kids will be soooo...surprised when they open their christmas gift! who wouldnt want a sculpture of an apparent 4 year old breast-feeding?? he's gotta be four AT LEAST, i mean his hair is parted.







i got some new bed pants the other day and i cant wait for it to start getting cold at nights so i dont have that gross feeling one feels as sweat and fleece are paired. i feel like a kid on christmas morning when i put them on. which is a nice change to being the 32 year old quasi adult i actually am.




i actually used the term 'bally-who' the other day...like on purpose. i weighed all my other options and chose bally-who. im thinkin' im going to lay off on my dictionary reading for a spell. maybe sit this one out

$6.50 is the absolute maximum any normal person should spend at taco bell. anything more than that is bordering gluttonous behavior.

the phrase 'easy as pie' is kinda misleading. pie is not an easy fix. maybe the phrase should read 'easy as buying a pie'.

other than a family member or close friend, do male baby-sitters, out of high school, exist?

we got our daughters bunk beds the other day and i got to thinking. i wish they made adult bunk beds...or at least not look at me funny for inquiring about it.

so i suppose im fancy now. fancy is the only way to accurately describe a person who eats hummus. hummus is made from chickpeas and is used as a dip for chips and vegetables like carrots, celery, etc. i mean who would have thought that a chickpea would have any other use other than giving us a better alternative to being forced to call them 'broad-peas'.

the other day i saw one of those ultra cheesy, terribly low budget lawyer commercials where they promise outlandish money and court cases will go your way and boldly say their name with some descriptive term that is supposed to make them appear macho. (ie joe the hammer, or mike the bulldog, etc) these commercials are way to high in numbers for my taste and that got me to thinking. there's alot of them for a reason and one of those is that other lawyers apparently see these commercials and think 'hey, i should setup my camera phone and make me one!' i then got to thinking again and wondered, do these lawyers go to 'regular law school' or like junior college law school?...quick, how do you keep a lawyer from drowning?...shoot him before he hits the water!

IV

i have two of the sweetest daughters a father could have. i mean they are polite, attentive, funny, helpful, smart to name a few of their qualities. some mornings my 10 year old will have already made breakfast and took the dog out. yes, 10 years old. every report card they've had say something along the lines of 'kiera (my 10 year old) jadyn (my 7 year old) are a joy to have in class. they're respectful of the classroom rules and they always have their homework.' its like God took the best qualities from the mrs and me and made two spectacular little girls

i swear the room fills with bubbles and can smell flowers and cotton candy when i talk about them like this.

...but wait, i smell something else as well. (sniff sniff) it smells like someone put tobasco on the cotton candy?? the flowers are now trampled and smell of urine??...oh wait, its just my son pictured here...







as evidenced in this picture, he cant just take a regular picture. yup, lil sammy IV. he's the fourth and a one of a kind mind you. there is no such thing as a simple/quiet/serene/dull moment until he is tucked away in his bed. my daughters have the cutest most infectious laughs you could imagine. my son on the other hand, simply has the most infectious hands. im still doing the proper research, but i swear his dirty clothes hamper had something to do with the swine flu outbreak.

he's also into girls...already. i mean like we'll be at the mall and he'll double-take when he see's a pretty girl, young or old. he's 6 years old btw. while at a celtics game, whenever the cheerleaders took to the court, everyone else was obsolete. we've actually caught him undressing his sisters barbie dolls. he was 3 at the time.

the other day, we were all at a restaurant eating dinner when he said he had to go to the bathroom. so i escort him because i dont like him going on his own basically for two reasons: 1. who knows what creepy folks hang there. 2. i dont want my son sneaking a peek up some ladies skirt. at any rate, he has to "drop a deuce" as he actually calls it. ahem, which is partly my fault but i swear i dont know where he got the looking under dress thing!...i havent done that in years.

he walks in the stall and closes the door. no one else is there so all i can hear is water splashing and the soft tones of a 6 year old humming the black eyed peas hit 'imma be'. while i wait, i decide to play texas hold em poker on my phone. i wait i play. i play i wait when two teenagers walk in saying whatever nonsense teenagers say that they think is cool. they sorta look at me with that 'what he hell are you doing here' look because there's an open stall next to me. so i tell one that im just waiting on my son. so he goes in the stall and his friend uses the urinal. so now IM the creepy guy hanging out in the bathroom playing poker on his phone. im also the creeped out guy because there's three people around me urinating and going #2 and im apparently in the audience. just when things couldnt get any more creeped out, while still sitting on the porcelain throne, my son calls out from behind the door

'dad it stinks in here, did you fart?'
im like 'no sammy, thats probably you'.
'haha okay. i did a big one!'
'okay hurry up'
--feeling the need to change the subject, his next words were
'dad when i get big will i have a big one like you?'

he's innocently asked this before and he's not talking about his stool. also the other times he's asked me, we were at home and not around strangers.

if you've never seen a black man blush, come hang with me and son for a day and i'll show you one.

i say all this in jest of course. well some of it anyway. he is extremely smart and reads well above his age level, but its just hard to see because the boy is out of his mind(he's read his oldest sisters books since last year)

despite his crazy/embarrassing antics, i wouldnt have him any other way...well i guess i could without the swine flu in my house...

non-skid surfaces

while watching the news here in new england the other night i peeped a story they were reporting about how it seems that sooner or later it will be illegal to text while driving. generally speaking, i really am not a fan of the news. i just really could do without alot of the horrid and tragic stories that seem to litter the newscasts. but i digress. mannequin looking folks delivering morbidness is not the topic de jour. no this post is in essence about the sky mall in flight magazine. i bet your thinking 'now what does the monstrosity we call sky mall have to do with texting and driving and mannequins?' well be patient my friends, i will attempt to enlighten you.

some time ago i posted about how i thought the sky mall magazine was the mothership for all things ridiculous and unnecessary. i mean they really have the trivial trinkets market on lock. maybe i could take some of my random thoughts to them and we could come up with a few products for them to push. oh i dont know, just spitballin' here, but maybe we could sell customizable doorstops. not just any customizable doorstop though. no ours would be in the image of someone's face you would like to see slammed by a door and best of all, you wouldnt go to jail for it! maybe its that teacher who gave you detention. maybe its the mcdonalds employee that put onions on your burger even though you specifically told them not to and when you told them about it they acted like you were being ridiculous for not wanting the stinkin' onions. the list goes on. we would have the customers send in a pic of the person and within a month or so they would have their awesomeness incarnate!...



so what was i talking about again??...thats right, the mannequins bit. anyway, like i was saying, i saw that alot of folks seem to be upset or scared of drivers that text and law may soon mirror the notion. i must say that i dont totally agree but i definitely see where they're coming from. i just dont think everyone who drives and texts does it dangerously. people do alot of things while driving other than driving that are just as bad. or potentially bad anyway. i honestly think eating while driving is just as dangerous and dont let the moron get my order wrong! i hate scraping off onions while trying to text, read, and shave all while driving! so annoying. anyway i admit im probably just being a baby because i do text at times and hate to think of all the messages i wont be able to send now that i could potentially be pulled over for it. no more funny/offensive email forwards to all my friends, but all this did bring to mind a product i saw in the scrap yard...i mean, sky mall magazine. get a gander at this baby...







thats right. its an office workstation for your, (drumroll please)...passenger seat??

okay. so if my reading and interpretation of a possible law are accurate, it will soon be illegal to text but it will be fine and dandy to print out documents and file papers. here's its description...



These workstations strap to the seat with the existing seat belt and provide a non-slip writing surface, a hanging file sectioni and space for a laptop and accessories. Lightweight at just 19 lbs. yet the rugged styrene stand up to years of use. Made in USA. (Express Model imported.) Not for use while driving.

M42 Non-Skid model has pull-out writing surface under the non-skid desktop. M133 Non-Skid with power inverter adds the convenience of 400 watts of 110-volt power and is all you need to power a laptop, printer, cell phone or DVD player. Includes ON/OFF switch with status light and fault light to confirm auto shut down. Comes with two 3-prong AC outlets and a 12V cigarette lighter adapter on a 45" cord.

M150 Non-skid File Master includes a hanging file section that faces the driver. M156 Non-Skid Express has a flip-down, non-skid desktop with trays for a cell phone and more plus an extra bin. This model is extra lightweight at just 10 lbs. and 20"w x 14"d x 10"h.



the good thing is, in the magazine, it says in red letters that this is not for use while driving. oh and who can forget the non-slip writing surface for all the notes i'll be taking...while NOT driving of course. naturally, a few things come to mind..

i guess i would like to know just when exactly the thing is to be used then? i mean it says its lightweight at 19LBS! 19LBS? i guess that is lightweight in terms of car offices, but not so much if you're supposed to carry all your junk into your actual office?? now thats some irony for ya, bringing your office to your office. thats like trying to get to get rid of your coffee breath by eating an onion.

you'll notice that it also comes equipped and ready to power everything you need in your passenger seat. it supports laptops, printer, cell phone, vacuum's, blenders, espresso machines, and dvd players...wait dvd players? saaaaay now thats sweet. one can only assume that to have a dvd player, a television must be present. i mean they just go together. like ponch and 'that other guy' from CHIPS. not quite sure where it would go, but as long as im not texting my wife sweet nothings while driving i guess it doesnt matter where the tv goes.

i really am having a hard time understanding just what the hell this thing is for, of course just who in the hell would pay over $600 for all this and which parts of it arent okay to do while driving? would i be allowed to file my documents while driving? can i surf the internet? can i type and print out my grocery list on the way to target? who knows, as long as i can still brew me up a mocha latte and vacuum at will. of course i hope so because the comfort of caffeine and pristine car floors will be the only comfort i'll feel because my passenger seat is occupied by my office and not a woman.

nothing-ness

i used to like the show 'three's company' but not enough to explain my dream the other night. janet and i were parachuting from a plane??



speaking of unnecessary letters, who's idea was it to put letters in math problems?? i remember thinking 'i thought i was in math class not english!'



is it just me or are those prius commercials sick, creepy, and the opposite of enticing


yuck



i went to the vitamin store the other day, or should i say, vitamin shoppe?? shoppe? whats that all about?



there's a pretty good chance that i may be alone in this, but you ever notice how pretty much all girls names suit them even while they're children? in my opinion, there are some mens names that arent bad or silly, but they are hard to picture that same name belonging to a young child. basically, the name sounds like its just for adults. examples would be: barry, gary, chester, doug, earl, etc...



while blog surfing, i came across a post that somehow had me thinking about words with silent letters. ie knee, gnat, etc...just why on earth would someone plant silent letters in front of words? who decides which words get the silent treatment anyway?...ah well, i gotta grun now because i khave to go gpick the nkids up from kschool.

field study

the other night, the mrs and i were looking to hang out spend some time together without the likes of messy peanut butter jelly sandwiches, jonas brothers cd's, lego's, and, well, pretty much parenting in general. we decided we would grab a quick bite then head to the movies. pf changs is ALWAYS busy but we hadnt had their lettuce wraps in a while so figured, what the hell, we'll call it in, pick it up and listen to music while we eat in the car. hey who says romance is dead ; )

a few wraps and a messy middle console later, we headed to peep the movie saw 26. i mean saw 66. well whatever the movie is where they've had a bunch of and i cant figure out how the old guy is still alive, thats the one we went to. at any rate, the movie was decent and the wife and i went through a bottle of wine and i had the peanut m&m's. please believe when i tell you nothing says stomach pain and the pink stuff like wine and m&m's.

as we sat in the theater planning our future movie going by critiquing ALL the previews we saw, i started to think...just what is it about the movie theater that makes it a good place to take a date?? i mean you cant even really converse. well unless you want to be a lame ass butt sniffer!**slight tangent alert** so what is it about the movies that turns regular people into regular asswipes?! i mean really, there is no need to laugh that loud or announce yourself when you walk into the theater and spot the group of flunkies your meeting. i hate THOSE people, but i digress...it seems to me the best that can come out a movie date, without risking a(nother) night in jail mind you(wink wink), is holding a young ladies hand or sharing a variety of artery clogging snacks ie a bucket of popcorn coughcholesterolcough.

so here's my plan, or should i say, research project. im going to get a sitter and the mrs' and i will venture out to borders book store or maybe barnes and noble if she's good. we will get chai tea and biscotti bars then sit side by side...and read. the same book of course. not even out loud. just sit, read, sip, crunch, read. we would even hold hands while we read our books, although that could get aggravating while trying to turn pages.

i wonder how this date would turn out. i personally think its a crock of poo, but supposing what people say is true, 'the book is always better', im sure we'd have a grand ol' time.