excuse me ma'am, but you have the swine flu on your chest

okay i like bacon just as much as the next guy. well provided this 'next guy' isnt kevin federline.(have you seen that guy lately?)
i like bacon. i do not love bacon. the makers of these products i guess not only love bacon, but apparently want to buy it lingerie and dry hump it.

from what i can tell, these are all actual products. (im still holding out hope that the bra was just some bacon fiend being foolishly erotic and that it wasnt an actual product.)








how does a man or woman even approach their significant other about using this product? you'd probably be better off asking to bring a third person into your bedroom than getting your lover to slather their privates in bacon grease.






can you imagine the hangover you'd get after getting faded on this crap. i believe the bottle also comes with a thorough ass kicking.








nothing attracts girls more than having 'cracker barrel' breath.








haha this is just hilarious








wow. im either speechless or the vomit is working its way up my esophagus!...again

fish and chips mate

well im back and kinda resting from our trip to london. overall, the trip was great. im going to get the only negatives out the way. and those were: crappy weather and some lady pretending to be a beggar...i'll explain in a few. as i stated the trip was alot of fun. last year we got off to a funny but odd start. whenever we visit the UK, we rent a flat for the week as it suits the kids and we have room for our niece to sleep over as well, plus its reasonably priced. the bestest thing about the flat is they send a car out to get you from the airport which saved us the embarrassment we endured 2 years ago when we got on the wrong train. we took the train that was more like the train people would take to go to the store, movies, etc...not carrying a shitload of luggage and thus taking up all the room. 'bloody americans' they must have thought. the funny yet odd part was when we got a message informing us of the 'carrier', or minivan as we would call it, that would be picking us up on time. please read in your best british accent. this is the message as we heard it...

'mr and mrs morris, there will be a black people carrier out front to get you and your belongings.'

the first thing that went through my head was 'what kind of racist shit is that?!' i quickly realized she was basically saying the the carrier of people would be out front and it would be black. we then got a pretty good laugh out of that.

but back to this trip. first off, the weather was cold, gloomy, depressing, annoying, and rainy. we were more annoyed than an owl with pink eye. even when the sun made two brief appearances, i swear it was colder those days. maybe most annoying of all was while walking around town in the rain, the dye from my jeans stained my white socks and white shoes in that light blue denim color that is an okay color for lucky brand jeans but not for white tennis shoes or socks. (sorry for that long ass sentence. wow) plus i hate walking. well actually i hate walking that much in that annoying mist of a rain for long periods. i mean, i dont walk. im an american. i use that moving sidewalk at all times in any airport that has them. if they dont have them, there's a 50-50 chance i wont make my connection.

so, on to the faker lady. i would classify myself as a giving person. meaning i like to give/help when i can. when it comes to people i come across on the streets, i dont get into that whole internal debate about 'i wonder if this guy is going to use this money for a beer, maxim magazine, pork rinds, etc' or whatever else habit people dont want to support. although there was the time in san francisco where a guy told me he would verbally abuse his wife for a dollar. i thought that was over the top. anyway, as i was saying, i like verbal abuse...no wait, i like to give/help people. BUT...my desire to give actually has limits. it has to. if there is no limit, i myself would be in need of asking for a couple bucks. i love how the bible says it, 'our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality.' so not always saying yes to every request is necessary and wise. okay got it? i like to give/help but not in ALL cases. so, the family and i were navigating the london streets and had just walked out starbucks and were trying to decide if we were going to take a double decker or a cab when this lady comes up from behind and says 'excuse sir, could i have some money for something to eat?' first off, i had some trouble deciphering what she was saying simply because of her accent. it reminded of hieroglyphics being verbalized. i cant even begin to tell you what it was. also, its been said many times before 'do not judge a book by its cover' and i for the most part believe that to be accurate. but that adage was a pile of shit in regards to this case. she looked like she was in good shape and was well kept. she didnt smell like bologna and her clothes were pretty nice looking so i processed this all along with the odd feeling swimming in my gut. which mind you, trumps everything. i looked at her from behind my glasses and said 'excuse me.'...

her- can i have some money for something to eat (as she motioned to the burger king while asking still managing to confuse me)

me- uhh (remember my gut is telling me no) yeah hold on

--i reach into my back pocket and grab 3 pounds(just under $6 US dollars) then hand it to her

her- umm, this isnt enough

--i cant even explain to you the dismay i felt. it was more so from the way she held the money between her fingers. what i gave her was 2 coins equalling 3 pounds and she held them between her fingers like she was holding a picture or a negative up to the light.

me- excuse me?! ( im now pissed. im madder than a horse with a UTI (urinary tract infection). i leaned in closer hoping i had misunderstood what she was saying)

her- well this isnt enough. the meals cost at least 6 pounds

me- well make it enough

again i cannot explain the degree to which i felt spit on. its like she would have done better by taking the money, kicking me in the balls, then running off, screaming 'stupid american' in her difficult dialect. i dont even remember how our conversation ended but she was soon asking my wife for money. she gave her some, then complemented her for being pretty (which is true but a total suck up comment). this lady soon was asking us to take her into the store next door and buy her some 'nappies' aka diapers. we had large bills on us but as i said, the alarm in my belly had went off and i wasnt going to drop another cent in any currency on this faker. not only was she being intrusive, she turned down a gift and if one is truly in need AND asking for help, saying no isnt applicable. im glad i didnt actually have to see this girl again because i was really bothered for the next hour by the atrociousness of it all. stuff like that really gets to me and it didnt even matter that i didnt know the lady.

anyway, enough about crappy weather and crappy people, the trip was fun as hell. i dont get to see my sister and her family all that often(well maybe once a year to be exact) and its good for our kids to keep in contact and hang out with each other. wow the magic of email. i couldnt imagine navigating my way around the net when i was 8, 9, or 10 (the ages of my daughters and niece)

here are some of the highlights of our trip. sorry to inundate you with photos but this is actually cutting it short. meaning i have tons i want to post but i'll probably just have to make a post in a few days of just photos. but for now...





a memorial dedicated to prince albert. the gloom and doom of the day made the gold of the statue really sparkle.




in hyde park. this place was huge and i got tired walking the thing while several others ran or rode their bikes around.





everyone at the IMAX. they said i couldnt take pictures here. im usually a 'law abiding citizen' but when it comes to people telling i cant do something as ridiculous as this, i simply cant help myself. i pretty much took the pic because they said i couldnt.






there ended up being about 75 pigeons gathered for bread from my kids.i






hyde park again





me and the boy






my son impersonating one of those pestering loud cell phone talkers






my middle daughter blowing out her berfday cake







my oldest pumping iron








i thought this one was the funniest







the station we relied on to get around. my sister first told me the train system was crazy and she likened it to a bowl of shi...wait thats what i likened it to. she said it was like a bowl of spaghetti noodles ; )














kiera representing my oxford beanie







me and my niece














i was walking down the street and saw what appeared to be a bible open out in the rain.







in hyde park again.







the train as it dropped us off in oxford







me and the boy. he chose these glasses because i had a pair similar. we barely used them though.







fish and chips are only good in england






this was my second favorite shot of the trip. i tried like hell to get this pic the way i wanted it, but between the rain, the bus schedule, and some lady strolling her baby in my way, it took three different days to get it done.







my 1st cousin josiah







i really like this shot as well.







we were in this store, well my wife and sister were in this store and i was just trying stay entertained. jadyn put this wig on and i felt compelled to take this pic.







my son, aka rod stewart, decided he'd get in on the fun as well. the people of the store said i couldnt take pictures in the store and, well, you know what im about to say.








my girls giggling as always and my son pestering as always








my sis and me. this was our last night in town and i was dead tired. for some reason i didnt adjust to the time change, i started out fine then progressively got worse. i told my wife i look/felt like frankenstein.






my beautiful sister and wife after dinner








this was my favorite shot of the trip. for whatever reason, im always able to get great shots of jadyn. i get good ones of kiera as well and hardly any of the boy, but i always get good ones of this cutie.







okay so not always per se. haha. i was like jadyn what in the world are you doing? she replied, 'just taking a picture dad. sheesh relax already.'...she gets the smartass-ness from her mother. thats my nephew on the right. it was actually the first time i had met him. he's cool as hell and my son kept asking if he was coming back to our house. they played catch with all his stuffed animals and sammy of course took to him immediately.

randomness on my desktop

on my desktop i have tons of crud all over the place. some of it actually has a purpose, and some of it has no point but to take up space and make me or wife say 'hey?? what the hell?'.

anyway, here are five things on my desktop that need to be placed in the trash immediately.



remember recently when facebook did that thing where all the facebookians had to post a pic of a celebrity they look alike? did you participate as well?

i didnt. not that im a party pooper, i just dont have a facebook and dont want one. anyway, this is who my wife posted as her look alike. i can see why people would say it looks like her (green eyes,light skin, the hair etc) but i dont see it as much as everyone else. not that miss lewis is unfortunate looking or anything, i just dont see it like everyone else does. whaddya think?








i love my blackberry. i really like the instant messaging capabilities and i have fun with the profile pic and quote they allow you to show all your contacts. at the moment my wife uses this as her profile pic on the blackberry messenger and as soon as i saw it i was like, 'damn thats a sweet pic! who is that?'i didnt even recognize it as heidi klum. even now that i know who it is, i still cant see it. anyway, wow i love this shot







my wife has heidi klum for her profile pic and i have this guy. fitting i know. the quote i had before this picture read: 'my only fear is i have none'

my quote, along with this picture, now reads: 'my only fear is this hairstyle'












a few years ago, my wife and i went to a halloween party and this is what we decided to show up as.......young and old michael jackson. i couldnt locate the red zippered jacket so i had to improvise a bit.

i dont care who you are, this is hilarious!















i have no clue why this is up here. my wife likes all these silly type of shirts, as do i, but i dont think she actually owns the thing. either way, i may leave this up here just because its funny as hell. i mean whats up the crazy eyes??

london bloke

this thursday the fam i are heading out to london for the third straight year. i was actually born in oxford because my dad was in the military. the first time we went it was just my wife and i as part of her christmas gift. we made the trek to spend time with my sister and her family, along with my uncle. i also got alicia keys tickets as she was performing at the oddly shaped o2 dome. all in all, i wish we had stayed longer though because we basically took the whole first day just getting adjusted, which translated means, we sat around the room eating, drinking, and i tried to school the wife on english comedy.

we've already got our train tickets headed to oxford, which happens to be my birthplace. this will be the first time ive been back since i stepped on the scene 32 long years ago. im excited about just going there, but im also looking forward to going around snapping pics. there is something magical about a castle that blows my citified mind away. it just seems so unreal or fairy tale like to me. its like going somewhere and finding a unicorn or being able to visit the place where robin hood setup camp.

last year the entire family went. yes all 5 of us. i didnt know how our kids would do being confined for so long but they actually did very well and we were thankful the boy didnt get up and sprint through the aisles or flick a booger on some passerby. the kids all had disposable cameras to take pictures of whatever they wanted. although at first they were taking pictures of things like a fire hydrant, their beds, bars of soap, the pillows, etc. after unsuccessfully trying to get them to be more frugal in their picture choices, we just let them have at it as they desired.


speaking of pictures here some from the last two trips:



why are double deckers so cool?



spent entirely too much time here




how can this place NOT be the shizznit









im guessing this doesnt help the british escape the bad teeth thing. i mean flossing with cotton candy??











the london eye. a sweet way to view the city











out front buckingham palace





my wife, me, the rasta(my uncle), and my sister





my sister, me, and my uncle





in one of the london eye carriers





these things are awesome!...and i dont mean because the inside of most of these rival the vegas streets with all the ads for porn, sex chat lines, etc.

reminiscent chats

the other night my brother and i were up late chit chatting. he was in town with his lovely wife and child to be. i was eating leftover chinese food and he had a(some) beer(s). we were sitting in the kitchen talking and grubbing. to clarify, we were in the kitchen sitting on floor. the cold, uncomfortable, tile-y floor. whenever we get the chance to shit the shoot as we were, we end up talking about our old neighborhood and the cast of characters that lived there. these other brothers up the street would challenge my brother and me in basketball and they always got their butts handed to them! we actually knew a kid up the street named 'bent'. another kids mom had eternal camel toe. we didnt call it that because we hadnt been introduced to the term, but we did see her constantly picking at her crotch and wondered what the hell was up with that. we talked about all the backyards or streets we played football, baseball, smear the queer, or even a game that was basically kickball with a baseball bat. the summers were especially fun as hell for me and my brother though. when our folks went to work we would sleep in, eat whatever and whenever we wanted, and play hogans alley on nintendo. i would often mix cake batter as if i was going to make a cake, but just eat the batter over a period of about 3 days or until i needed to barf. those crinkly fries were also a favorite. i think its because it would make me wonder just what is a 'crinkly'? for whatever reason it sounded like some random town in west virginia or oklahoma, but i digress. we also used to play this quasi baseball game in the living room where the bat was one our couch cushions and the ball was a sock wound tightly. our living room wasnt big at all, but we managed to play the game despite the close quarters. that even included running the bases.

when we werent playing cramped up baseball or getting high on cake batter, we were watching the idiot box. does anyone remember the jukebox network? we watched that channel ALL DAY and would see the same videos over and over. that channel and the price is right pretty much ruled our mornings. thats basically the reason i like metallicas song 'one' to this day. i swear that video would play damn near every 15 minutes. it was like a routine of sorts. eat the cake batter, watch metallica's video, barf from the cake batter, watch bob barker seduce the show girls then repeat. i would go to bed excited because i knew i was going to wake up and watch the show girls... i mean the price is right. i used to love that show! as a young lad and not yet grasping the concept of money, i would watch the show and see these people winning an amount like $6500 and think 'wow, these people are rich now! wow, thanks to plinko, these people are set for life!'. yeah not so much. either way that show was great. i actually saw it the other day and it was kinda cool and kinda classic, but just not the same. for starters, its like all the show girls were 'too hot'. i know that may sound off some, but im just used to the barker beauties. you know what i mean, they were hot but not in the way the girls are now. the girls now look like they come directly from a maxim photoshoot each morning, while the barker babes were like your moms hot co-worker or your 3rd grade english teacher. im not at all saying the maxim like thing is bad, but just not for the price is right. and what about drew carey?? how un-funny is that guy?! he absolutely is not right for that show. there is no way i can see him in 20 years still doing that show. he just looks awkward to me. you know those people that dont make a solitary sound when they sneeze and that hilarious face they make? well he looks like he's just about to make that face whenever he talks. one simply cannot make that face and introduce the game with that yodeling guy........

for the record that yodeling guy game was absolutely annoying!

chuck norris will kick you in the face

i hope everyone is familiar with the chuck norris facts book and how effin hilarious they are! i got a new book the other day from urban outfitters that includes mr. t jokes as well. twice the awesomeness in one stop. kinda like doublemint gum or a bra.

anyway, im posting a few good ones i found in the book mixed in with some of my own. can you tell which is which??


first off my wife found a picture of chuck norris' toilet paper. imagine a 20 wiper with this!! ouch...well unless your chuck norris




1. when life handed chuck norris lemons he made chocolate pudding.

2. chuck norris can play the violin with a piano.

3. jesus can walk on water but chuck norris can swim through land.

4. the only fight chuck norris lost was his fight to keep from kicking your ass.

5. an average adults intestine produce about half a liter of flatulent gas per day. chuck norris' intestines produce 4 feature length films every year, all written and directed by his spleen.

6. the real reason pluto is no longer a planet is because chuck norris thought it sounded too similar to chuck norris.

7. there are no buttons on chuck norris' washer. he just puts his clothes in and they just know what to do.

8. chuck norris can build a snowman out of rain.

9. chuck norris and mr t were going through airport security. mr t's chains were going thru the x-ray machine the exact time chuck norris' beard was going through the metal detector. at that exact moment 'the force' and superman were created.

10. mr t is no longer a noun; its a verb.

for 2 reasons

i have two objectives in mind with this post:


1) first is to inform you guys and gals that i have joined a cult and have started another blog. the cult im speaking of is called 'oh, the urbanity' which was created by miss lora over at fever. if you dont know by know...well...you just should. my blog is titled none other than, peanut butter plus jelly. as a member of the cult, you must post pictures from in and around your respective hometown. feel free to mosey on over and click to follow that page as well if you like. lemme know what you think.




2) THAT site wont have any random barbs about the staleness of ramen noodles or any other nonsense i can think of. those nuggets of foolishness are strictly relegated to THIS site. having said that, i was able to slip in one jab worthy of this pages tastes. in the profile section, you have the option to be asked a random question, and your answer to said question, posted there in your profile. they are all silly and random questions designed to add some humor or fun to your page. i was given the question 'create a tagline for a new line of plastic bedsheets'. first off, i gotta add that that ISNT EVEN A QUESTION, secondly heres exactly what i came up with for my profile to say.


well...you asked for it!... 'whether you urinate, perspirate, or ahem, replicate on them, we bet you cant stain or muck em up! guaranteed or your money and fluids back!