fish and chips mate

well im back and kinda resting from our trip to london. overall, the trip was great. im going to get the only negatives out the way. and those were: crappy weather and some lady pretending to be a beggar...i'll explain in a few. as i stated the trip was alot of fun. last year we got off to a funny but odd start. whenever we visit the UK, we rent a flat for the week as it suits the kids and we have room for our niece to sleep over as well, plus its reasonably priced. the bestest thing about the flat is they send a car out to get you from the airport which saved us the embarrassment we endured 2 years ago when we got on the wrong train. we took the train that was more like the train people would take to go to the store, movies, etc...not carrying a shitload of luggage and thus taking up all the room. 'bloody americans' they must have thought. the funny yet odd part was when we got a message informing us of the 'carrier', or minivan as we would call it, that would be picking us up on time. please read in your best british accent. this is the message as we heard it...

'mr and mrs morris, there will be a black people carrier out front to get you and your belongings.'

the first thing that went through my head was 'what kind of racist shit is that?!' i quickly realized she was basically saying the the carrier of people would be out front and it would be black. we then got a pretty good laugh out of that.

but back to this trip. first off, the weather was cold, gloomy, depressing, annoying, and rainy. we were more annoyed than an owl with pink eye. even when the sun made two brief appearances, i swear it was colder those days. maybe most annoying of all was while walking around town in the rain, the dye from my jeans stained my white socks and white shoes in that light blue denim color that is an okay color for lucky brand jeans but not for white tennis shoes or socks. (sorry for that long ass sentence. wow) plus i hate walking. well actually i hate walking that much in that annoying mist of a rain for long periods. i mean, i dont walk. im an american. i use that moving sidewalk at all times in any airport that has them. if they dont have them, there's a 50-50 chance i wont make my connection.

so, on to the faker lady. i would classify myself as a giving person. meaning i like to give/help when i can. when it comes to people i come across on the streets, i dont get into that whole internal debate about 'i wonder if this guy is going to use this money for a beer, maxim magazine, pork rinds, etc' or whatever else habit people dont want to support. although there was the time in san francisco where a guy told me he would verbally abuse his wife for a dollar. i thought that was over the top. anyway, as i was saying, i like verbal abuse...no wait, i like to give/help people. BUT...my desire to give actually has limits. it has to. if there is no limit, i myself would be in need of asking for a couple bucks. i love how the bible says it, 'our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality.' so not always saying yes to every request is necessary and wise. okay got it? i like to give/help but not in ALL cases. so, the family and i were navigating the london streets and had just walked out starbucks and were trying to decide if we were going to take a double decker or a cab when this lady comes up from behind and says 'excuse sir, could i have some money for something to eat?' first off, i had some trouble deciphering what she was saying simply because of her accent. it reminded of hieroglyphics being verbalized. i cant even begin to tell you what it was. also, its been said many times before 'do not judge a book by its cover' and i for the most part believe that to be accurate. but that adage was a pile of shit in regards to this case. she looked like she was in good shape and was well kept. she didnt smell like bologna and her clothes were pretty nice looking so i processed this all along with the odd feeling swimming in my gut. which mind you, trumps everything. i looked at her from behind my glasses and said 'excuse me.'...

her- can i have some money for something to eat (as she motioned to the burger king while asking still managing to confuse me)

me- uhh (remember my gut is telling me no) yeah hold on

--i reach into my back pocket and grab 3 pounds(just under $6 US dollars) then hand it to her

her- umm, this isnt enough

--i cant even explain to you the dismay i felt. it was more so from the way she held the money between her fingers. what i gave her was 2 coins equalling 3 pounds and she held them between her fingers like she was holding a picture or a negative up to the light.

me- excuse me?! ( im now pissed. im madder than a horse with a UTI (urinary tract infection). i leaned in closer hoping i had misunderstood what she was saying)

her- well this isnt enough. the meals cost at least 6 pounds

me- well make it enough

again i cannot explain the degree to which i felt spit on. its like she would have done better by taking the money, kicking me in the balls, then running off, screaming 'stupid american' in her difficult dialect. i dont even remember how our conversation ended but she was soon asking my wife for money. she gave her some, then complemented her for being pretty (which is true but a total suck up comment). this lady soon was asking us to take her into the store next door and buy her some 'nappies' aka diapers. we had large bills on us but as i said, the alarm in my belly had went off and i wasnt going to drop another cent in any currency on this faker. not only was she being intrusive, she turned down a gift and if one is truly in need AND asking for help, saying no isnt applicable. im glad i didnt actually have to see this girl again because i was really bothered for the next hour by the atrociousness of it all. stuff like that really gets to me and it didnt even matter that i didnt know the lady.

anyway, enough about crappy weather and crappy people, the trip was fun as hell. i dont get to see my sister and her family all that often(well maybe once a year to be exact) and its good for our kids to keep in contact and hang out with each other. wow the magic of email. i couldnt imagine navigating my way around the net when i was 8, 9, or 10 (the ages of my daughters and niece)

here are some of the highlights of our trip. sorry to inundate you with photos but this is actually cutting it short. meaning i have tons i want to post but i'll probably just have to make a post in a few days of just photos. but for now...





a memorial dedicated to prince albert. the gloom and doom of the day made the gold of the statue really sparkle.




in hyde park. this place was huge and i got tired walking the thing while several others ran or rode their bikes around.





everyone at the IMAX. they said i couldnt take pictures here. im usually a 'law abiding citizen' but when it comes to people telling i cant do something as ridiculous as this, i simply cant help myself. i pretty much took the pic because they said i couldnt.






there ended up being about 75 pigeons gathered for bread from my kids.i






hyde park again





me and the boy






my son impersonating one of those pestering loud cell phone talkers






my middle daughter blowing out her berfday cake







my oldest pumping iron








i thought this one was the funniest







the station we relied on to get around. my sister first told me the train system was crazy and she likened it to a bowl of shi...wait thats what i likened it to. she said it was like a bowl of spaghetti noodles ; )














kiera representing my oxford beanie







me and my niece














i was walking down the street and saw what appeared to be a bible open out in the rain.







in hyde park again.







the train as it dropped us off in oxford







me and the boy. he chose these glasses because i had a pair similar. we barely used them though.







fish and chips are only good in england






this was my second favorite shot of the trip. i tried like hell to get this pic the way i wanted it, but between the rain, the bus schedule, and some lady strolling her baby in my way, it took three different days to get it done.







my 1st cousin josiah







i really like this shot as well.







we were in this store, well my wife and sister were in this store and i was just trying stay entertained. jadyn put this wig on and i felt compelled to take this pic.







my son, aka rod stewart, decided he'd get in on the fun as well. the people of the store said i couldnt take pictures in the store and, well, you know what im about to say.








my girls giggling as always and my son pestering as always








my sis and me. this was our last night in town and i was dead tired. for some reason i didnt adjust to the time change, i started out fine then progressively got worse. i told my wife i look/felt like frankenstein.






my beautiful sister and wife after dinner








this was my favorite shot of the trip. for whatever reason, im always able to get great shots of jadyn. i get good ones of kiera as well and hardly any of the boy, but i always get good ones of this cutie.







okay so not always per se. haha. i was like jadyn what in the world are you doing? she replied, 'just taking a picture dad. sheesh relax already.'...she gets the smartass-ness from her mother. thats my nephew on the right. it was actually the first time i had met him. he's cool as hell and my son kept asking if he was coming back to our house. they played catch with all his stuffed animals and sammy of course took to him immediately.

randomness on my desktop

on my desktop i have tons of crud all over the place. some of it actually has a purpose, and some of it has no point but to take up space and make me or wife say 'hey?? what the hell?'.

anyway, here are five things on my desktop that need to be placed in the trash immediately.



remember recently when facebook did that thing where all the facebookians had to post a pic of a celebrity they look alike? did you participate as well?

i didnt. not that im a party pooper, i just dont have a facebook and dont want one. anyway, this is who my wife posted as her look alike. i can see why people would say it looks like her (green eyes,light skin, the hair etc) but i dont see it as much as everyone else. not that miss lewis is unfortunate looking or anything, i just dont see it like everyone else does. whaddya think?








i love my blackberry. i really like the instant messaging capabilities and i have fun with the profile pic and quote they allow you to show all your contacts. at the moment my wife uses this as her profile pic on the blackberry messenger and as soon as i saw it i was like, 'damn thats a sweet pic! who is that?'i didnt even recognize it as heidi klum. even now that i know who it is, i still cant see it. anyway, wow i love this shot







my wife has heidi klum for her profile pic and i have this guy. fitting i know. the quote i had before this picture read: 'my only fear is i have none'

my quote, along with this picture, now reads: 'my only fear is this hairstyle'












a few years ago, my wife and i went to a halloween party and this is what we decided to show up as.......young and old michael jackson. i couldnt locate the red zippered jacket so i had to improvise a bit.

i dont care who you are, this is hilarious!















i have no clue why this is up here. my wife likes all these silly type of shirts, as do i, but i dont think she actually owns the thing. either way, i may leave this up here just because its funny as hell. i mean whats up the crazy eyes??

london bloke

this thursday the fam i are heading out to london for the third straight year. i was actually born in oxford because my dad was in the military. the first time we went it was just my wife and i as part of her christmas gift. we made the trek to spend time with my sister and her family, along with my uncle. i also got alicia keys tickets as she was performing at the oddly shaped o2 dome. all in all, i wish we had stayed longer though because we basically took the whole first day just getting adjusted, which translated means, we sat around the room eating, drinking, and i tried to school the wife on english comedy.

we've already got our train tickets headed to oxford, which happens to be my birthplace. this will be the first time ive been back since i stepped on the scene 32 long years ago. im excited about just going there, but im also looking forward to going around snapping pics. there is something magical about a castle that blows my citified mind away. it just seems so unreal or fairy tale like to me. its like going somewhere and finding a unicorn or being able to visit the place where robin hood setup camp.

last year the entire family went. yes all 5 of us. i didnt know how our kids would do being confined for so long but they actually did very well and we were thankful the boy didnt get up and sprint through the aisles or flick a booger on some passerby. the kids all had disposable cameras to take pictures of whatever they wanted. although at first they were taking pictures of things like a fire hydrant, their beds, bars of soap, the pillows, etc. after unsuccessfully trying to get them to be more frugal in their picture choices, we just let them have at it as they desired.


speaking of pictures here some from the last two trips:



why are double deckers so cool?



spent entirely too much time here




how can this place NOT be the shizznit









im guessing this doesnt help the british escape the bad teeth thing. i mean flossing with cotton candy??











the london eye. a sweet way to view the city











out front buckingham palace





my wife, me, the rasta(my uncle), and my sister





my sister, me, and my uncle





in one of the london eye carriers





these things are awesome!...and i dont mean because the inside of most of these rival the vegas streets with all the ads for porn, sex chat lines, etc.

reminiscent chats

the other night my brother and i were up late chit chatting. he was in town with his lovely wife and child to be. i was eating leftover chinese food and he had a(some) beer(s). we were sitting in the kitchen talking and grubbing. to clarify, we were in the kitchen sitting on floor. the cold, uncomfortable, tile-y floor. whenever we get the chance to shit the shoot as we were, we end up talking about our old neighborhood and the cast of characters that lived there. these other brothers up the street would challenge my brother and me in basketball and they always got their butts handed to them! we actually knew a kid up the street named 'bent'. another kids mom had eternal camel toe. we didnt call it that because we hadnt been introduced to the term, but we did see her constantly picking at her crotch and wondered what the hell was up with that. we talked about all the backyards or streets we played football, baseball, smear the queer, or even a game that was basically kickball with a baseball bat. the summers were especially fun as hell for me and my brother though. when our folks went to work we would sleep in, eat whatever and whenever we wanted, and play hogans alley on nintendo. i would often mix cake batter as if i was going to make a cake, but just eat the batter over a period of about 3 days or until i needed to barf. those crinkly fries were also a favorite. i think its because it would make me wonder just what is a 'crinkly'? for whatever reason it sounded like some random town in west virginia or oklahoma, but i digress. we also used to play this quasi baseball game in the living room where the bat was one our couch cushions and the ball was a sock wound tightly. our living room wasnt big at all, but we managed to play the game despite the close quarters. that even included running the bases.

when we werent playing cramped up baseball or getting high on cake batter, we were watching the idiot box. does anyone remember the jukebox network? we watched that channel ALL DAY and would see the same videos over and over. that channel and the price is right pretty much ruled our mornings. thats basically the reason i like metallicas song 'one' to this day. i swear that video would play damn near every 15 minutes. it was like a routine of sorts. eat the cake batter, watch metallica's video, barf from the cake batter, watch bob barker seduce the show girls then repeat. i would go to bed excited because i knew i was going to wake up and watch the show girls... i mean the price is right. i used to love that show! as a young lad and not yet grasping the concept of money, i would watch the show and see these people winning an amount like $6500 and think 'wow, these people are rich now! wow, thanks to plinko, these people are set for life!'. yeah not so much. either way that show was great. i actually saw it the other day and it was kinda cool and kinda classic, but just not the same. for starters, its like all the show girls were 'too hot'. i know that may sound off some, but im just used to the barker beauties. you know what i mean, they were hot but not in the way the girls are now. the girls now look like they come directly from a maxim photoshoot each morning, while the barker babes were like your moms hot co-worker or your 3rd grade english teacher. im not at all saying the maxim like thing is bad, but just not for the price is right. and what about drew carey?? how un-funny is that guy?! he absolutely is not right for that show. there is no way i can see him in 20 years still doing that show. he just looks awkward to me. you know those people that dont make a solitary sound when they sneeze and that hilarious face they make? well he looks like he's just about to make that face whenever he talks. one simply cannot make that face and introduce the game with that yodeling guy........

for the record that yodeling guy game was absolutely annoying!

chuck norris will kick you in the face

i hope everyone is familiar with the chuck norris facts book and how effin hilarious they are! i got a new book the other day from urban outfitters that includes mr. t jokes as well. twice the awesomeness in one stop. kinda like doublemint gum or a bra.

anyway, im posting a few good ones i found in the book mixed in with some of my own. can you tell which is which??


first off my wife found a picture of chuck norris' toilet paper. imagine a 20 wiper with this!! ouch...well unless your chuck norris




1. when life handed chuck norris lemons he made chocolate pudding.

2. chuck norris can play the violin with a piano.

3. jesus can walk on water but chuck norris can swim through land.

4. the only fight chuck norris lost was his fight to keep from kicking your ass.

5. an average adults intestine produce about half a liter of flatulent gas per day. chuck norris' intestines produce 4 feature length films every year, all written and directed by his spleen.

6. the real reason pluto is no longer a planet is because chuck norris thought it sounded too similar to chuck norris.

7. there are no buttons on chuck norris' washer. he just puts his clothes in and they just know what to do.

8. chuck norris can build a snowman out of rain.

9. chuck norris and mr t were going through airport security. mr t's chains were going thru the x-ray machine the exact time chuck norris' beard was going through the metal detector. at that exact moment 'the force' and superman were created.

10. mr t is no longer a noun; its a verb.

for 2 reasons

i have two objectives in mind with this post:


1) first is to inform you guys and gals that i have joined a cult and have started another blog. the cult im speaking of is called 'oh, the urbanity' which was created by miss lora over at fever. if you dont know by know...well...you just should. my blog is titled none other than, peanut butter plus jelly. as a member of the cult, you must post pictures from in and around your respective hometown. feel free to mosey on over and click to follow that page as well if you like. lemme know what you think.




2) THAT site wont have any random barbs about the staleness of ramen noodles or any other nonsense i can think of. those nuggets of foolishness are strictly relegated to THIS site. having said that, i was able to slip in one jab worthy of this pages tastes. in the profile section, you have the option to be asked a random question, and your answer to said question, posted there in your profile. they are all silly and random questions designed to add some humor or fun to your page. i was given the question 'create a tagline for a new line of plastic bedsheets'. first off, i gotta add that that ISNT EVEN A QUESTION, secondly heres exactly what i came up with for my profile to say.


well...you asked for it!... 'whether you urinate, perspirate, or ahem, replicate on them, we bet you cant stain or muck em up! guaranteed or your money and fluids back!

no joke

while perusing the internet i somehow stumbled across these ACTUAL childrens book titles. i found them both horrific and hilarious.


well...alot more horrific than hilarious though.





















































out of all of these titles, dr. heinrich hoffmann's is the weirdest. i translated everything written on the platform thing for you. it reads 'i wear my green spandex outside my shoes but who cares, my hands look like rakes and my torso just looks odd. not to mention my hair is 3 feet high and 6 feet in diameter'.




i dont know why my kids have complaints of nightmares all the time.

hopefully your kids wont have the same complaints when you undoubtedly go and seek out these sweet books

bloody marys

viva las vegas

i love that damn town, but 3 days is about the max i can do out there. the past trip was a short one, but alot of fun. we were there for one day and it was a last minute trip. or should i say, 'rockstar trip' as its known among our circle. we call it that because we go for one day and usually dont even get a room. that was the plan this time but while there i got a hook up on a room so we stayed there all of 37 seconds. i timed it.

we had fun, drank, gambled, drank, drank, drank, and gambled. we did damn good on the tables and like i always say, it aint gambling when you win. i swear i said that before i heard it in the hangover. during one of our gambling breaks at 2am, we decided we would set out to find something to eat. my whole body is so jacked up from inordinate amounts of the opposite of sleeping, eating at various times of the day/night, drinking vodka and cranberry/redbull, occasional late and early coffee, and of course the very random bloody mary's i drank?? vegas is the only place i drink those bloody(hehe get it) things. anyway, while in the restaurant, we were sitting around drinking, eating, and talking when behind me i heard a splash on the ground like someone had spilled a large glass of liquid. i used to work in food service ages ago and whenever i heard 'that sound' i would always think 'damn that sux! someone has a bad spill on their hands.' so naturally that was my initial thought when i heard the all too familiar sound. as i turned to see the misfortune some waiter was going to have to clean, i quickly saw that it wasnt just a water, coke, or bloody mary. i turned to see some lady sitting at a table by herself throwing up. she would just sit there, lean over to throw up, resume eating, lean over again to barf, take a few more bites, then resume showing us all what she had eaten over the last 6 weeks. i think she had a bloody mary because her spew had a reddish tint. then again it could have very well been the lining of one of her organs because she was heaving quite ferociously. she must have been REALLY messed up because she heaved at least 6 times. oh and she kept eating after each bite. guess the must have been that good especially the second time around. vegas is by far THE BEST place to see some crazy shit happen right before your very eyes.

when the gambling was over and we had to get to the airport, the craziness was about to continue for me. i had a red eye out of vegas leaving at 820 and a connection in LAX. the flight from vegas to LA was thankfully short because i was apparently sitting next to a wildebeest posing as a person. oh my god, this dude had a pungent odor emanating from his skin AND clothes. i felt like i was going to end up like the restaurant barfing lady it was so bad and odoriferous. i was in the aisle seat and wolfman was in the middle. not only did he remind me of a dirty diaper that somehow fell behind the changing table and now 6 weeks have gone by and i decided to open it up for shits and giggles, but this dude snored soooo loud! i mean it didnt even sound real. i wanted to be like, 'okay guy. good one. you've got our whole section of the plane laughing at your faux snoring now wake up because its getting kind of annoying...plus you smell like a petsmart.' but for the rest of that thankfully short flight, gangrene man snored like he was in a 3 month hibernation. i guess if was to look on the bright side i could say that ive always wondered what i would smell like if i: worked in the yard for 2 hours at the hottest time of the day mainly handling fertilizer and mulch, left my tshirt buried in the mulch over night to 'marinate', put the shirt back on the following morning to wear to the gym, then went directly to play basketball for 2 hours, then went for a jog directly to the hospital where i helped deliver twin boys. oh and i forgot to put on deodorant...what? havent you wondered that as well?

new york city

first off, i cant say 'new york city' w/o saying it like that old hot sauce commercial when one of the cowboys exclaims 'this stuff was made in...new york city!?!?'. as if to say that one of the most culturally diverse places in the world couldnt whip up a great hot sauce. but i digress.

hehe anyways, i was in new york city over the past weekend with the wife and kids in tow. we drove up with another couple and their kids and while there i realized at least two things:

1- i could not would not, live in new york. or new jersey for that matter but thats for totally different reasons. i couldnt live in new york because i simply cannot walk that much, the parking is ridiculous, and im not a jerk driver. i would not live in jersey because thats where jersey shore is based and i dont want any affiliations with that show or its cast.

2- i like taking pictures and if i could go to any five cities to mosey around snap at will i'd choose: new orleans, philly, chicago, somewhere out west and random like cheyenne, wyoming, and after the weekend i have to add new york to the list.


i did take some pictures but its hard to go off and get the right shots while keeping the kids safe from the locals stampeding about madison ave and new york cabbies.




we all made our way to the minskoff theatre to see the expensive...ahem i mean, exemplary play 'the lion king'. i knew my girls would dig it, but i was moderately worried my son would burp or pass gas at 'just the wrong time'. not that there is any good time for your child to break wind in public, but i just knew he would do it just as mufasa was dying or during some other sentimental moment like that.



but surprisingly he did well with it all. the only time he got restless was just before intermission but hell i was restless and ready for more wine. there was a bar in the lobby but to drink alcohol you had to drink it in the lobby or do as my wife and i did...drink it from one of the sippy cups they sold the kiddie drinks in. nothing says classy like drinking a nice merlot through a bendy straw.




before we got into the theatre, we were sitting down in the lobby eating candy and drinking wine when i noticed a guy in the corner doing push ups. he was in slacks and a button down so i figured he was part of the show and was trying to 'pump up'. when we took our seats, i saw this same fellow a few rows up sitting and ready for the start of the show. i thought, 'i guess he's going to get out during the middle as part of an audience participation type thing. kinda like they do in vegas shows.' well he sat there all the way to intermission. maybe he'll spring to action after that i thought. while out re-filling our sippy cups and taking my son to the bathroom to stretch his legs, we saw said guy in the same corner doing jumping jacks...yes jumping jacks. now i dont know what the hell to think. his brow was gaining sweat and he was still in his button down and slacks, but the likelihood of him being part of the show is, well, not likely. anyway, long story short, i guess he was some meathead guy who gets inspired by the lion king to pump up??

very weird.