AI

another quick rundown of last nights nap inducer... i mean last nights show

car-di-gan...car-di-gan...car-di-gan!! i think the show should start with the crowd chanting 'car-di-gan' with a simultaneous thunderous foot stomp as randy takes his seat! i personally like cardigan sweaters from time to time, but c'mon. well i guess if simon can wear his snug t-shirt and paula can wear hideous jewelry/clothes all together, then i guess randy's car-di-gan's are welcome too right?

anyway, contestant time...really the only two that were different were adam and lil rounds. and by different, i dont necessarily mean good.

adam's was different in that it was upbeat. whereas lil's was different because it wreaked.

everyone else did a pretty good job, but they were all pretty boring, put you to sleep type songs. but again, they sang them well.

i even found allison's (voted for her 5 times) song to be yawn worthy AND she did that ridiculous hand gesture i cannot stand where they show their number or use their thumb and pinkie to mimic a phone! blech! either way, she is still my favorite to win it all.

pretty sure most would say lil will be ousted, and i agree, but i think she should have went last week.

corn dogs

i know i know, whats up with the corn dog title right? you'll know why soon.

im not sure if people actually read the profiles posted, but i usually read them when i click on a bloggers page.

at any rate, i just changed my random question they asked and the wife thought it was ridiculous enough that i should point it out. as for the corndog explanation, just read through my interests. so without further ado...

(the corn dog explanation is a click away)...

around town

a while back i posted about some of the odd or confusing sign posts ive seen around town. (you see that post here)

i dont know if i just havent noticed similar signs back in texas, but all these somewhat odd signs are from here in massachusetts.

anyway, here are three more signs i found amusement from...(not that thats hard or anything)

#1: so what year are we in again?



ive seen this particular sign quite a bit around town, and they are typically seen on the side of ramps entering the freeway. so i understand why the person and the bike are in the ghostbuster symbol, but the horse?? i guess i could understand the horse a little better if we were in say the 1800's! are there really that many people riding horses to the grocery store? are there really that many equestrian lovers slowing up traffic on freeway ramps that several signs had to be posted?


#2: float on duck...float on




i think i was just in a silly mood when i first saw this sign! it is actually posted in a shopping center where there is absolutely NO WATER!! that in and of itself is kinda weird to me, but just the sign in general is pretty comical. im not sure why the second duckling is apparently floating away.


#3: huh??




now for this one im sure ive seen in other places, but it wasnt til i got here that i found it funny...so which way willl the rig potentially flip over?

concise idol

just a few quick hits on last nights show:

generally speaking:

i am officially a kara fan! (i would have put her whole name, but i dont recall the spelling of her last name and i really dont feel like looking it up.) i actually like her input, she's not cookie cutter, but she is, oddly enough, still kinda annoying. for whatever reason, after last nights show, i became a fan...go figure

after watching paula 'dance' and gyrate during a few of the routines, who would have ever thought she was actually KNOWN for her moves! i mean, she was a damn laker girl! she looks absolutely dreadful and offbeat! once again...go figure

im right there with simon when paula is talking because i havent slightest as to what she's talking about.

im guessing randy must have joined some new religion/cult that involves it followers badly over-doing AND emphasizing lame slang phrases and wearing cardigan sweaters entirely too much! i mean damn has he worn anything else?!?!

now i would like to create awareness amongst idol viewers for a sec. i would like everyone to get on the same page and automatically NOT vote for ANY contestant that either: uses their hands to show their number to the crowd when seacrest is giving their digits OR uses their hand as a phone and mouths to the viewers to 'call them'.

for reasons unbeknownst to me, i find this wildly annoying!


as for the contestants:

allison- the bomb! also her outfit was still that 'quirky' look i think she's going for yet it didnt look like tsunami ripped through her wardrobe!

gokey- awesome

anoop- decent yet boring and repetitive

lil- sucked off yet another great opportunity. she'll be voted off tonite in my opinion

scott- average, boring, and predictable even W/O his piano

kris- terrible

matt- terrible. i dont know why it sounded so bad to me but apparently great to the judges

adam- honestly havent even seen the whole thing.

soooo...

--random alert--

okay so im at my daughters gymnastics practice yesterday and about halfway through, she motions to me that she's hungry. im not at all surprised because practice starts at 330 and but she's done with school at 240 so we have to bring her clothes and book it! so like a good dad, i go to the vending machine and purchase a small bag of cheese crackers. problem resolved and we're now good to go till dinner time. a few minutes later im just sitting there sending emails from my phone, texting, keeping my son from 'accidently' walking into the girls bathroom, and trying to imagine the place not smelling like corn chips.(i dont know why, buts its funny to me that little girls sweat stinks just as much as little boys). amongst all this, i look down at the bag of cheese crackers and for whatever reason begin to wonder why the bag of crackers look like this...




is it just me or should the bag read 'cheez itS'?? i always refer to them as 'cheez its', my kids refer to them as such, EVERYONE i know refers to them as 'cheez its' because ive never seen a bag containing a single cracker! when i googled it to get the image for this post, it also showed 'cheez its' as the first selection while 'cheez it' wasnt even an option.

so of course i did some research and also googled 'rice krispies' cereal and of course the box depicts the plural form because...well because there's more than one krispie located inside the box. duh

anyway, then i got really random and really stupid with the whole idea. i wondered if anyone could eat just one 'Lay' potato chip or how would i react to my kids asking for some 'goldfishes' as a snack. i then wondered if all the folks from the company actually refer to it as 'cheez it' and get mad when their kids or consumers call it otherwise. that would be hilarious to hear a 'cheez it' employee yell to their kids after they've made the 'mistake' of calling it by its plural name!

anyhow im apparently tired and amused very easily, but i warned you this was a random post. im headed to bed after i have bowl cereal. hmm, i think i'll some fruit loop tonight ; )

more idol...

so a quick recap before tonite's elimination show.

allison-- she is still my favorite and my choice to win the whole thing. my only complaint was the obvious...that atrocious outfit she wore! apparently she lost a bet and the result was that she had to have a 4 year old dress her. hehe, im being somewhat silly but the only real problem i had was with the light socket hair.

gokey-- he did a great job as well. i wasnt familiar with the song and not really a fan of the genre all together, so that says alot in my mind. similar to my not being a country music fan, but i like carrie underwood's stuff.(i would quip here but that is just entirely too easy.)

matt-- similar to gokey, he did a song i wasnt familiar with, but not like danny, he sucked...i mean he sucked bad. even the keyboard didnt sound good and it was very distracting from an already crap performance. he didnt deserve to be in the bottom two last week and oddly enough, i dont think he does this week either. that was a terrible performance but overall he is still very talented but is doing a terrible job of demonstrating it.

lil rounds-- she really let me down. she's been struggling with song choice, which could have something to do with the genre being thrust upon her, so i just knew she was going to pick something that would showcase her ability...as soon as i heard what she was doing i was dumbfounded. she actually did a decent job of singing it, but it was just extremely 'ho-hum' to me. she left alot of meat on that bone!

adam-- wow, once again, i dont know what to make of the guy. i do know that high pitched shrill is terrible and i dont see it sounding very good or relative on the radio, cd, ipod, walkman, satellite radio, etc. i know this is all my opinion and probably in the minority on this one, but he is entertaining to watch and all but c'mon...i think he's more suited for theatre or even vegas. again, im just not a fan

kris-- last time i said i found him to be boring and everything sounds the same, and i kinda still do, but he did a really good job with the song and changed it up quite nicely. overall i think he's pretty good but could his cd sounding like the same song over and over and over and...well you know what i mean.

megan--okay okay already. she's pretty and has some pretty cool looking tats, but lets be real, she continuously butchers whatever song she does, even if its the right song! i thought she would do bob marley well, but she murdered that song and buried it in a remote jungle! i think what the problem is is that she has parts or aspects of her voice that are unique and sound well in certain songs, but she doesnt know WHEN to use those unique parts! she over emphasizes it and uses that raspy unique sound entirely too much. she is starting to get irritating and what makes it worse is that doesnt seem to care. i liked her to begin w/ but her time on idol is probably coming close to being over.

scott-- his best performance but im still not all that impressed. his voice is average and i think his strongest aspect is playing the piano. from what he says, he is also a songwriter. i would say that songwriter and playing the piano should be his focus. i must also add that the genre he is best at is not really a favorite of mine so i may be a little bias in my not being a fan of his muzak.

and lastly there's anoop--uhhh, looks as if he's back to that bobby brown-esque type nonsense. that was a terrible rendition of 'caught up' and i really think he'll be voted off this week because of it. i really do think he can sing well but if wants to be a r&b artist that is definitely NOT the type of r&b he should be doing! he looked so awkward and sounded just as equaly bad. for all the guys on idol, a litmus test for how you've done is this: the more random paula is, the worse you've done! and when she assessed anoops performance, she was all over the place. i think it went something like this:

paula-- 'anoop...i love...that song...i love you.....i would like...to see more...when you...do a song.....like that. i also love...that your name..ends..with a 'p'............as you well know my name......BEGINS with a 'p'...and that is....totally...awesome....i mean how....cool..is that?!...im wearing a pink....outfit...you know...what else starts...with a 'p'?

anoop-- whats that paula?

paula--peanut butter!!!!

hehe, anyway, not sure if you caught that last part, but it was a sight to see!

lets see what america says tonight and who has to leave??

my american idol commentary

so i seriously wish american idol would let me sit in on one of the times they visit all the different cities in the early part of the competition. i dont mean to just watch either, i mean to actually cast a vote that would play a part in determining if the contestant is "GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!" in these early rounds, i find myself deciding whether the person should go on or not...thats after i get done laughing hysterically at the 'abysmal ones' as simon would say. maybe i could represent 'the peoples vote' ya dig.

anyway, now that ive plugged my desire to judge, i will now share some of my thoughts from last nights show and the contestants in general...oh, and the judges.

anyway lets start with judges. let the tomatoes fly:

randy: he is pretty decent, but somewhat annoying at times. i can picture him in his dressing room before the show practicing all his 'urban terms' that he randomly throws out to seem hip.

kara: i honestly dont know what to make of her. at times she seems to be trying to hard to fit in and is extremely corny at times. not to mention that last night her math was a tad off! tell me you heard her say that she only had 6 words for adam. those 6?? words were 'one of the best performances of the night!' sooo im going to go out on a limb and say that that is not 6 words. as soon as she said it, i had that confused look and replayed it counting the words ever so slowly. what really confuses me is how she actually came up with this line. i dont know if she was just free-styling or tried to prepare it beforehand. i hope that she did not prepare the line thinking it was ready to go as is, but i doubt she free-styled bc that seems pretty tough to do. when you make such a bold claim like that, you have got to spot on! i mean imagine if moses would have added another commandment after declaring not to covet! pretty sure the masses would have been humored if even for a little bit!

paula: i swear the contestants look so disinterested when paula begins..to stammer...words out..that have little...to...no..relevance..whats so ever...in making...the contestants......any......better! i can also see paula in the dressing room mirror before the show telling herself over and over, 'must...talk....slower....to....gather...my..thoughts and...try to...make sense...of the....clutter...in....my....brain...when...all else...fails..tell....the..girls...they look...pretty.'you pretty much know you've sucked if paula comments more about your fashion than the actual singing!

simon: easily the best judge by a mile! even though he isnt a singer, he consistently gives good feedback and its applicable and truthful. the only knock on simon is that is handshake looks really lame!


anyway, briefly on to last nights performances:

matt: is a beast! he's really talented and soulful. i was trippin when he initially was about to not make the cut.

kris: honestly he is just average to me. i think he sings well, but everything has the same 'feel' to it and it gets boring. even when he plays the guitar it sounds like he's playing the same song but singing different words.

scott: an awesome story, but he his really starting to bore me as well. he sounds like he was born about a decade or two late because of the way he sings. i forget the song he played a few weeks ago but it really fit him well, but i dont see him being able to do anything current.

megan: a very pretty girl (like paula would say so you know whats coming) with a cool tatted up look that suits her, but she is very limited in what she can do well. even when she actually gets the song choice right, she just sems to fall short in my opinion. i thought she would have wrecked(in a good way) 'rockin robin' a few weeks ago, but she was average and for some reason she didnt seem to follow the beat and then that god-awful squawk at the end was so unbelievably hideous!! as soon as i heard what song she was doing last night, i shuddered and thought it was going to be a train wreck...and she then followed to do derail the entire train! yikes

annop: i actually like his voice but i dont think he can win the whole thing. i told my brother that he could sing but he isnt a singer. similar to someone being able to catch, throw, or even run fast but they are not a football player ya dig. im am so glad he is over doing that crap version of bobby brown's 'my prerogative'.

michael: a fellow texan, but not a good singer or at least he hasnt shown it. his song choices are also starting to bore the hell out of me.

lil rounds: a talented singer who also chooses terrible songs. when i heard she was doing 'heatwave' i was let down because i thought she was in the right type of music to belt out some powerful tunes, because she was waaaay out of her element with country week and who knows when she'll be able to pick something that will allow her to do her thing...or as randy would say, 'whats goin down dawg, you alright up there, i was waiting for you to do your thang girl! i was like what?'...whatever

danny: he's also a beast and again what a great story, but yesterday was pretty boring. his 'dancing' was also pretty silly looking. either way he is a great singer and should be in the finals.

adam: i dont know what to make of this guy. i swear im looking at the guy from green day, but i also swear im listening to cher at times! he made me really uncomfortable during country week! he is very talented but i dont know what to make of him or what kind of music he would actually do. i dont see how that extremely high pitched shrill would fit in...again just one mans opinion

and theres...

alison: the girl is a beast-ette?? anyway the girl can sing and i love the raspy sound to her voice. it annoys me how the judges keep saying that for 16 she can sing well. it comes across as something similar to someone saying, 'oh that girl is pretty smart for a blonde'. i think i know what they mean but it sounds like they're minimizing what she can do or speaking in a condescending tone for some reason.

anyway to sum up miss alison in all the words/way of the judges i would say this... i only have 3 words for the dawg miss alison and those 3 words are: she is my choice to win the whole thing because the girl...can...really sing...well...i mean some of the other contestants are absolutely rubbish and a bit like some singer in lounge somewhere. alison you...are...not...one...of those...singers. dawg u can really sing, i was like what? this girl has skills, what? what? wow you blew it out da box girl! what?


anyway, we'll see how the show goes tonite.

hello lost and found? yes, i seem to have misplaced february!

so i havent posted in forever and a day plus 3. i must add that the football season is a big contributor to my lack of posting, not to mention the kiddos draped around me daily! i must also mention that my oldest is 9 years old and now has to check her email to stay in contact with her friends!

the football season pretty much covers the time from my last blog thru january. apparently its now march and i havent the slightest as to what i did with february! now i have been traveling alot so my best guess is that i left part of it in iraq or kuwait. i was there for 9 days visiting the troops and had a blast (bad choice of words i know)! i actually blogged and posted pics about the trip for nfl.com which you can check out if you want. theres 3 total posts and you can navigate your way through all of them from here. i do want to post some of my own pics here with a little something about each because nfl.com needed a certain amount and this certain amount wasnt enough to fully capture all that i wanted to share. i came back to the boston area for a week then took off for london from the 14-20th with the fam. we went with all three kids and they actually did well on the plane ride. even the boy! i guess the wine really helped them... ahem, i mean me. of course i came equipped with my 'touristy like camera' and we even got the kids those disposable cameras so they could take their own photos. naturally my daughters took pics of things that were cool to them. you know, big ben, the london taxis, double decker buses, and the like. naturally my son took pics of his face, up his nose, and close ups of everyone else's face he was close to! we were there for 6 days, saw some historic things and places, met up with family and all my kids seem to remember is the time i got laughed at by a cop in front of buckingham palace! here's how this story went... we were out front and there were tons of cars driving in through the gates and they were all dressed up. so i decided i would see what the deal was and how could we be a part of this group going in to meet the queen or at least see inside. so i stop one of the cops standing around out front...

me- excuse me sir, what are all these people doing?
cop- they are all the people going in to see the queen
me- oh really? i dont suppose we could get in to meet the queen as well
cop- HAHAHAHAHAHA...
me- sooo is that like a maybe??

it is extremely difficult to meet the queen and i knew that, but i had to at least try ya dig. i still didnt deserve to get laughed at in such an obnoxious manner! its heard to capture, but you should have heard this guys laugh. it was like the stereotypical thick english belly laugh and he did it right in my face in front of my kids! anyhow, the kids soon found this the highlight of the trip and my wife jumped in on the matter pointing out the fact that i just stood there with this confused look on my face like i was saying, 'sooo is that a yes or no?' what a jerk. anyhow it was a great trip and needless to say, my body's time clock was extremely off! it was a 12 hour flight into kuwait and a 14 hour flight back! can you say merlot and ambien! the flight to london wasnt as bad but still enough to jack you up! i dont get a chance to hang with my sister all that often, due to the distance naturally, so it was awesome for our kids to actually meet and hang out. actually, my niece and daughter is part of the reason i have to 'wait in line' to use the computer because they're always emailing each other! this october we will actually be facing tampa bay in london. im excited for the game overseas and for the my sister to be able to see me play for the first time. she doesnt know american football all that well but i told her she has a few months before the game to study up! from london i then took part in a nfl business management and entrepreneurial program at harvard business school and i seriously had to go check on the spelling for entreprewhatever! i always have the roughest time trying to spell the damn thing!...TANGENT ALERT... for whatever reason i also have the same difficulty while texting definetely, damn! i mean defintly, damn! thats definitely!! what the hell?! dont know why that word is so difficult! harvard business my ass!...back to the original post without missing a beat...its basically a class designed to help those looking to gain more knowledge on business strategies, marketing, and the spelling of entreprewhoozit! its a great and informative class and im glad i went. theres actually two parts and the second is in april. the last thing in february i was able to squeeze in was a small fashion show for a clothing line my wife and i are developing. its still in its infancy stage but ive always had the desire to start one but just didnt know what direction i wanted to go in. i went from one idea to the other, then from the indecision of even starting this in such a volatile industry. the desire to try something rather than deal with the torment of wishing i had eventually won out. so after years of trashing ideas and concepts i think im finally headed in a direction that feels right. if all goes well, this july will be our big launch and we'll see how things go from there.

anyhow, i look up and its already march and im about to be 32 years young pretty soon. crazy! i swear i was just wishing everyone around me a happy new year and celebrating my daughters 7th birthday! oh well, im back posting again and promise to post more of the same random, pointless, useless, waste of time, silly stuff i started before! i havent posted in forever but that doesnt mean my mind hasnt been thinking of silly stuff to share!

...and the ass-wipe of the year award goes to...(insert predictable drum roll here)

this jerk



if your not familiar with the guy, his name is michael suckballs, i mean, michael savage. he is the radio show host who made this statement:

Some parents of autistic children have called for Savage’s firing after he described autism as a racket last week. “In 99 percent of the cases, it’s a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out,” Savage said on his radio program last Wednesday.

Savage offered no apology in a message posted Monday on his Web site. He said greedy doctors and drug companies were creating a “national panic” by overdiagnosing autism, a mental disorder that inhibits a person’s ability to communicate.

On his radio show last week, he said: “What do you mean they scream and they’re silent? They don’t have a father around to tell them, ‘Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don’t sit there crying and screaming, you idiot.’”


folks im not making this up. this is shit that quite literally oozed out his pompous mouth. i find it ironic that he says, 'quit acting like a moron bc it will get you nowhere in life.' i see this as one of two things: either he is a putz his damn self and needs to straighten up. or this is just a lame ass attempt at exposure. or should i say he's basically crying and screaming like an idiot for attention. again, his comments are soaked in irony. he's been fired from another radio job for ridiculous comments. he once told a caller he should “get AIDS and die, you pig.” again, im not making this up. (frankly, i wish i was)

i do somewhat agree with the 'greedy doctors and drug companies' bit. there are soooooo many 'conditions', new conditions at that, out there that cost tons of money it will make your head spin! unfortunately, i would agree that there is a good amount of over diagnosing on a wide range of conditions, possibly autism. BUT, 99% is ridiculous and his methodology atrocious!

i am somewhat confused by his statements. at one point he says, and i quote, 'My comments about autism were meant to boldly awaken parents and children to the medical community's attempt to label too many children or adults as "autistic". and there's the rub. boldly awaken? really? well lemme tell you mr savage, nothing says 'boldly awaken' like calling someone's kid a screaming idiot! i get confused because he also alludes to drug companies shitty attempts to over diagnose patients. so just who are you attacking michael? is it the drug companies or the parents and kids? if its the former, then fine, call them greedy money hungry swindlers. if its the latter, then you are simply an ass-wipe that looks eerily similar to the dog your posing with...


BREAKING NEWS--THIS JUST IN--

michael suckballs, ahem, i mean, savage has just been fired from his radio program for sucking too bad. he came under fire when he uttered ignorant statements concerning the families who deal with it and recently added more 'suckness' to flames when he attacked those in wheelchairs, diabetics, AIDS patients, and probably most shocking/ironic, those with receding hairlines. michael had this to say about his dismissal and statements, 'it sucks that i was fired today for so sucking soooo badly. i just wanted to empower those in wheelchairs to quit being lazy and get their lazy asses up! to the diabetics, or should i say, the 'so called diabetics', to quit bitching about your sugar levels and eat a twix bar with a mountain dew already! to the AIDS patients of the world, please toughen up and read my book titled 'how to train yourself to realize AIDS is not real. you just have a REALLY bad cold and lesions on your face!' and lastly, to those losing their hair, stop pacifying yourself and realize that you are not losing your hair. you simply are not drinking enough papaya/kiwi juice. also they need to read my book, 'how to realize that male pattern baldness is an illusion of the mind. your head is just getting bigger and drink papaya/kiwi juice'



okay okay so i did make that part up, but can you blame me? but anyhow, he wins the not-so-coveted award for sucking so bad. it was an extremely close race. coming in second place was satan, and third was rounded out by simon cowell.



--rant over--



posters note: i like american idol and simon cowell i was just being silly...or was i? muah ha ha, muah ha ha

225/18/20=6 and 10...i discovered a 'formula' for a nice grass burn

as the title implies, i have a grass burn on my back. well actually, it was alot worse yesterday than it is now because of the freshness of it, but nonetheless, i figured out what NOT to do to prevent another one!

to better understand the numbers in the title, this is what they represent:

225- my weight
18- is how long the slip and slide was that i slid down with my kids watching
20- is how many feet back i was when i darted to the damned thing
6- is approximately how many feet i was launched as i reached the 18th foot of the slide!
and of course 10 represents how many minutes the kids laughed at me afterwards!

it all happened so fast. one minute i was hammering the stakes in and connecting the water hose and the next i was thrown helplessly into the air by a sinister device from the 'wham-o' people!

my kids are still in the 'daddy can do anything' stage (mainly because i tell them so) and naturally i often find myself trying to maintain their views of me. as is the case with this god forsaken slide! they all went first and started a little hesitant for my taste. i was like, 'no guys, yall need to take off running to REALLY slide and get the full effect! c'mon, watch how daddy does it.' my chest inflated with each step backwards i took and i then began my plunge into 'dorky dad-dom'.

as i first hit the soaked slide i thought, 'man this brings back memories. how nostalgic'
at the midway point i was like, 'hmmm, i wonder if i should have started a little closer. maybe in the 8-10 ft range.'
towards the end i thought, 'oh ssssssshhhhhhiiiiiiiitttttt!!'



note to self... got...to...get...a...longer...slip & slide!!

holy crazy signposts batman!!

sometimes i like to head out and just drive around taking pictures. while on a few of these trips ive come across a few signs i found odd.



i simply just have never seen this sign. consequently, i havent the slightest as to what it means! while approaching the sign, it looked like a surfboard from a distance. it took me a few trips past it to realize its some kind of vibrating ring. what really adds to the mystery is that this sign is posted before heading into a school zone going both directions, but the other sign doesnt have the mysterious ring around the person. anyway ive never seen the sign any where else.




c'mon. seriously?


...no really, seriously?



this one makes me laugh! it looks like its saying 'watch out for the mid-fielder who may be playing soccer in traffic'!

pretty sure its supposed to be some sort of 'watch for kids playing' sign, but the man on the sign appears to be at least in his 20's. not to mention his head isnt even connected to his body nor does he have hands and feet. one could probably get by with no hands, but i'd imagine it would be difficult to play soccer with a floating head and no feet to put cleats on. and considering he is feet-less, i think that maybe the 'wobbly ring' from the first sign is better suited to be around this soccer in traffic guy.

5 simple rules? and marshmallows with wings

from the beginning of time, there have been numerous inventions or advancements that are both extremely beneficial and utterly pointless. those in the beneficial department would definitely include: telephones, cars, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the two piece bathing suit, the two piece from KFC, and of course whatever removes the pulp from orange juice. all simply world changing. while examples in the lame category would be: telephones/cellphones when owned by about 40% of all teenagers, cars when operated by about 85% of all teenagers, circus peanut candies, skim milk, or about 50% of what's in the sky mall magazine. for those who have never seen one, its one of the in-flight magazines on all planes. they also have a website you can visit, which i find a tad ironic.

anyway, i was thumbing trough this ode to nonsense on a recent flight and found a few gems...to clarify, by 'gems' i mean the kind that adorn kids toys or those found at piercing pagoda. here are just two of many that may need to be re-tooled. trust me, they are no peanut butter and jelly!

the first: 5 simple rules?

okay simple enough right? i imagine myself sitting on the couch with the embers of a warm fire crackling in the background while i deliver a poignant speech to my kids. i point to my 5 simple rules plaque and i say to them, 'kids, life is simple. ive learned 5 rules you need to live by. first of all you really need 'to live', sammy get your fingers out your nose! ahem, secondly, you need 'to learn' all you can. kids you need 'to laugh' often and maybe most important, you must 'love'. lastly guys, you need to...ahem 'to life'.

(here my smart ass daughters jump in)

kiera: uhh, dad, 'to life' is not a 'rule' per se.
jadyn: yeah seriously, what are you talking about?
me: well you know what i mean. its like the sum of the previous 4
jadyn: uhh okay?, buts that 4 rules dad. you said you had 5
sammy: can i have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
me: no sammy! not now!...and get your fingers out of your nose!
kiera: yeah dad you should have said you had 4 rules and their sum. did you pay money for that thing?
me: go to your room! all of you are grounded!

the second 'invention' that couldnt hold the two piece bathing suit's jock is this thing...




thats right it shoots marshmallows. the items description actually left me dumber:
This clever pump-action device shoots sweet, edible miniature marshmallows over 30', and it even has an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for pinpoint accuracy. The easy-to-refill magazine holds 20 marshmallows (or foam pellets, not included) for fast, nonstop action. Barrel and magazine are top rack dishwasher safe, and the back of the box includes a target for practice. Ages 6 and up

i thought i would re-write it for them:
this item comes in handy for those annoying s'mores you're trying to make that are, for some reason, up to 30' away. and while those pesky graham crackers stand just...out...of...arms..reach at least there's the beam you can aim at it. dont worry the beam wont harm your brother if you decide to pelt him with the pellets instead of marshmallows. there is also a tear away practice board you can use to hone your skills. so when you go outside and impress your friends with your accuracy, make sure the marshmallows dont land in an area where an animal has peed. for ages 6 and under because thats the maximum age who could possibly find this item worthwhile...for a couple hours anyway.

mudd butt (hehe...just gimme a sec)

so i havent posted in forever and a day and im foaming at the mouth to start this baby up again! my homie amy even made me a new banner thingy for my blizzle. sweet huh? anyway, ive been meaning to post on a new experience i took part in sometime ago. not the easiest thing to openly talk about, ive noticed, but it certainly is a hell of a come back post! having said that, welcome to what i call 'the mudd butt experience'... aka hydrotherapy colonics! (hopefully you've by now picked up on why call it such.) please check out the short animation of the procedure before reading if you've never seen the process. its a trip!

so im really intrigued by how the body works and the things it instinctively does(or can do). i eat pretty healthy and excercise quite often (duh)but lately ive had the worst feeling in my stomach region lately and could not figure it out for the life of me! por ejemplo, i would eat egg whites and oatmeal for breakfast yet would feel like i had a McRib sandwich (gross) and washed it down with an irish car bomb(not gross but a horrible breakfast drink!) i see the chiropractor and get massages regularly and have done acupuncture many times. so between these treatment types i was somehow put on the path of colonics. i wish my latest 'adventure' was as easy to openly share, but when dealing with the bowels, silence seems greatly appreciated! my trip started out non threatening enough with all the anatomy talk and what not. i felt at ease talking about the liver and its functions and how our diet and the environment can effect it positively/negatively. but then like a crashing wind, the instructor put an abrupt end to my short lived peace. the 'she' im referring to is lori, who is a licensed colonics instructor. or 'butt cleanser' i think the technical term is. after a julius ceaser like setup, she asked if i had any other questions. trying to stall the process, i say, 'i put gas in my truck today and it cost $70!'. 'uhh sammy i meant relative to your cleansing and that wasnt even a question!' 'well you didnt let me finish. i was going to ask if you could believe that and it kinda is relative because i did refer to gas.'

'enough!' she shouted as she walked over to a drawer to pull out a canister of vaseline. 'go ahead and insert yourself here on the nozzle.'

this is when what little amount of calmness i still had suddenly departed. my tongue is cinder block heavy and all i can stammer is, 'umm yes ma'am'

the good thing about the process is that ms lori is absent for most of the process. she gives instruction on how to get setup for degradation, i mean, how to get setup and then she leaves. there is a call button right next to you, but c'mon, unless this death machine is spouting out scalding hot water or i see an organ leaving my body, i aint touching that thing! after i...gulp, inserted myself, she said i could go to sleep or read a magazine. i was like, 'oh yeah? go to sleep huh? well you have lost your entire mind if you think for one second that im taking a nap while my rear is being invaded!'

at one point she did come back in to check on me though. dont worry she knocked first.

'so how do you feel?' she politely says.
'quite odd and feminine actually.' i politely say
'odd and feminine? why do you feel odd and feminine?
'seriously?! are you asking me this right now?! for starters, the soft music has got to go! cant you play metallica or tupac? or at least just something not so...touchy feely. earlier you were standing over me grasping a jar of vaseline while my britches and underwear hang helpless across the room. i violated my male tramp which reads 'exit only'. you've repeatedly used the word 'insert' without it being in reference to coins. and, oh by the way, there is a plastic nozzle in my bum!!'

the 45 minutes oozed along like molasses and could not have gone by any slower. by the end of the death sentence, i must admit that i do feel better. i must also admit that i had an incessant need to grow some hair on my chest, chop some wood, or eat a hoagie. even though the thoughts and feelings of summers eve, frilly doilies, and butterflies still linger i must say it was a fair trade-off. as a whole my body feels better. i can push my myself harder (hehe, pun kind of intended) in the weight room which translates to better on field performance. i sleep better and have a clearer mind, epitomized by this post, which helps with energy levels throughout the day. also, lori was informative, helpful and easy to talk to especially in light of the subject. when dealing with crap evacuation, the instructor must be able to say 'poop' with a straight face.

so if you're a lady and would like to delve deeper into your own kind or if you're a fella and are not opposed to the descent into the ya-ya sisterhood, then the mudd butt experience is for you.

im just sayin'...

this post is simply nonsense i think about...(i know whats the difference from this and about 85% of my entries right)

ahem, to further clarify, its the type of nonsense i think about but didnt want to make them individual posts.



its funny to me to see people's response to a locked bathroom door while traveling on a plane. its funny to see them grip the handle once, twice, even three times, before realizing that someone beat them to it and its not because the door weighs 84lbs and requires and wider base or firmer grip. there are plenty of signs and placards giving you the info you desire...

fun size candy?! what is that? i wonder where this term originated and why. i've never had one and though, 'oh wow look everyone! im eating an eighth of a snickers bar and it is so incredibly fun!'

the word 'herb' is just an ordinary word until its someone's name. it then makes me chuckle whenever i hear it. sounds like a game show host.

lastly, ive already stated my disdain for the word 'blog' and now i think the term 'placard' is in the same boat!

for crying out loud stick to the list already...

so im guessing grocery stores such as kroger, tom thumb (local), and super target foam at the mouth when they see me approaching their stores. 'we can sell this guy anything' they probably mutter as they peep me out from that little mysterious ball/camera attached to the ceiling. even the likes of cvs and walgreens join in this mockery.

but in actuality, the ball watcher people are absolutely right. (hehe, ball watcher people) i simply cannot stick to my list when i go to the grocery store! not sure if the extra things i put in are done so because of great marketing strategies(ie schemes) on their part or if its just simply a lack of constraint on mine. nevertheless, if i go with a list of 15 things i come back with 20 plus. if i go with a list of 5 things i undoubtedly come back with 10 plus. i still manage to get the things needed, but without fail, right after i set the eggs, milk, bread or some other common item into my basket, i also find the not so common. i mean whats a person to do with rootbeer flavored applesauce or macaroni and cheese scented handsoap? my son wont even eat the applesauce and he's crazy! okay okay so i embellished a tad.(not the son being crazy bit though.) in all honesty i do feel a serious compelling to grab crap neither i nor anyone in my house will use. who's house needs more 'toilet toothbrushes' than toilets? i know they added that 'comfort grip' and all for those stubborn stains but come on! how many times in a month could a person possibly eat cole slaw?--tangent alert...do people actually eat cole slaw in their homes? im just sayin' because ive only had it at restaurants.--

anyhow, i am determined to go to the store with necessities in mind and leave with those necessities in hand. i'll probably have to start small though. by small i guess i mean going in to get gummi bears and a water and leave the pepperoni pizza combos on the shelf! despite not having combos in like eleventy-eight years, i will let them sit until the next time...and yes gummi bears are a necessity!