to unravel

run along

2010-07-12T22:50:00.007-04:00

im proud of my son. he really has made some tremendous strides in this just his seventh year of life. to put it bluntly, just a short few months ago, he was a wild wild boy. a great kid for damn sure, but to say the least, he was wild and his wildness would often land him in hot water with:mom, dad, sister1, sister2, babysitter(s), our puppy, principal(s), girls in general, and lunch ladies.

as i said, he is 7 and already into girls too. he would have all these pictures of girls cut out from magazines and hide them under his pillow or do double takes when a pretty girl walked by and ask all these questions that made you wonder just what the hell your kids did after we went to bed. did they sneak out of bed and watch all kinds of "adult tv"? he's asked about girls boobs and butts and kissing and have i mentioned his age yet? he's 7.

i guess im partly to blame for that too. not that i leave adult movies and magazines lying around, thats what that 'one drawer' is for. i mean im partly to blame because he does have my blood and i guess i had a little somethin somethin to do with his brain construction, but even at the pinnacle of my youthful wildness, i was never as crazy as he once was. i was crazy...just not to the degree of my boy.

to ease my nerves, my wife would often point out that i turned out okay and for that reason we should think positive. she would point out that i used to get in trouble not only for looking under girls dresses, but also for stealing packs of bubble gum, throwing tater tots, peeing on top of the toilet seat(s) and of course putting sand in that one kids pork and beans (dont ask. they were his favorite). she said she bet watching me 'move about' as a youngster was like watching a hurricane. hell even those rare times where i would just sit and chill and sorta 'think to myself' was like watching a tidal wave. but watching me 'move about' nowadays was like watching a peaceful panda eat cotton candy and those rare times when i just sit and 'think to myself' is like looking at a still meadow with lilies and fire flies. with this rather humbling description in mind, i purposefully watched my son and tried to take notice of what i saw in him within the same contexts my wife offered to me...i swear all i saw while looking at him 'move about' was that it looked like i was watching a fourth of july firework display in a dragons mouth. and while watching him ~~NEVER~~ sit still and 'think to himself' was like watching an elementary school of fish flee a college of piranha.

but like i said, he's seemingly grown up from all that and is turning into a pleasant little fella. he's even getting along with his sisters alot better. its been a completely different story with my daughters though. they rarely get in trouble and rarely create moments where my wife and i think we'll be completely gray within 5 years.

i'd be lying if i said my wife and i werent moderately concerned that the boredom ensemble known as 'summer' would trigger a relapse from my son simply because he had more time to wreak havoc and create a stir. we've traveled only a little bit back to texas, so for the most part we try and keep busy around the house or just out and about around town. theres only so much dave n busters or chuck e cheese visiting before i want to pull my teeth out, so we try to spread those around wisely. we've already busted out the slip and slide complete with baby oil for that extra slippage...

**tangent alert** why does baby oil always seem sexual sounding? i mean all it does is make my wifes butt shiny and slappable and her breasts glisten like syrup on a warm plate and accentuate her curves and......oh.....thats why....**tangent over**

we've even gone as far as to make and throw water balloons at each other to help cool off from the blistering sun. but even that got to be aggravating because i would always end up having to play referee because one of the kids thought the other hit them too hard or whatever, plus they werent the best at making balloons on their own. one day our kitchen had so much water strewn across the wall and floors that it looked like an earthquake took a shower without the curtain.

luckily the thing they do the most is play out front. they play everything from basketball, baseball, kickball, draw stuff, and play tag. my wife found some chalk at target that is supposed to look 3D if you put on the special glasses so that kept them intrigued for a good couple hours. its been hotter than satans balls at a texas track meet lately so my wife busted out the tang on ice for them and the margaritas for us while they ~~literally destroyed everything in sight~~ played. they would come up to us every now and again to show us some squished bug or to get more tang. we enjoy seeing and receiving art pieces our kids have artistically created but that all came to a screeching halt a few days ago when my oldest daughter kiera scared the hell out of us when we stumbled across a chalk drawing of hers...

us (in unison)- KIERA!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?! HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS AND WHY ARE YOU DRAWING IT?!
kiera- what do you mean? whats wrong with drawing it??
wife- sweetie you are entirely too young to be drawing this kind of stuff. how do you know about it?
kiera- well when will i be old enough??
me- NEVER!
wife- hush sammy...well sweetie, there isnt an exact age or anything, but trust us, you are too young for this now. how do you know about this?
kiera- well mr. flint our health teacher always points it at us when we talk in class when we arent supposed to be.
me- I'LL KILL HIM!!
kiera- for what?? alot of teachers point their fingers at us kids.
me- I DONT CARE WHO....wait what did you say?
kiera- i said! alot of teachers point their fingers at us when we talk too much in class.
me-..........
wife-....so thats a finger you drew??
kiera- uhhh yes?? what'd you think it was??
wife- nothing! just run along and play

we both almost fainted. we expect that kind of stuff from our son, NOT our angelic daughters. we sat back down in our chairs and sipped more of our margaritas. by the time we had finished them, our middle daughter jadyn comes up to us and makes us both feel like we had 10 margaritas instead of the two we really had. she wanted to show us what she had drawn...

jadyn- dad look!...thats me and you!
me-.........
jadyn- dad? dont you like my drawing?
me-...yes sweetie. of course i do....what is it?
jadyn- its a plane commanded by peter shaft and he's flying to the rear of forest because he's sneaky.
me-........
wife- we i like it jadyn. dont you sammy??
me- umm yeah. its great and really creative and there's no more cable or rock&roll for you
jadyn- what?? why??
wife- oh nothing sweetheart. daddy's just playing, now you run along and play.

i couldnt believe what i had seen. my wife could see childlike honesty in this picture, but i only saw the dangers of cable tv and rock&roll. i hadnt shook off the terror from the last two drawings i had seen when i heard my son say...

"dad! look what i drawed!"

based on what i had just seen, my heart was in my shoes.

i was pleasantly surprised when i looked down to see this...

me- hey thats awesome son! did you trace it or draw it?
boy- i drawed it all on my own
me- awesome son! i didnt realize you could draw that well.
boy- yup
me-.........
boy- do you know what it is?
me- uhh yes of course. its two kitties
boy- do you know what they're doing?
me- i guess playing
boy-.....
me-.......
boy- dad?
me-....yeah son
boy- whats 69 mean?
me-......(shit)....run along and play

unibrows are the new unicorns

2010-07-02T19:05:00.002-04:00

can you smell it?

if you inhale long enough, you'll soon find this post to smell like coconuts and exotic-ness. my wife and i are currently vacationing in the turks and caicos to celebrate our 12 year anniversary. our anniversary is actually in august, but august gets extremely busy for me so we decided to take our trip now rather than not take one at all.

can you smell it?

this is easily the most relaxing and quiet place ive seen or heard of. i'll post a few of the pics i snapped when i get back stateside, but trust when i say, s-e-r-e-n-i-t-y was at a premium. im not even one for the ocean by any means, but i still had a great time.

the locals were really laid back and friendly. while taking the 30 minute drive into town one day, our driver served as a tour guide of sorts and was telling us a bunch of little known facts about the island. he surprised us when he mentioned that soccer wasnt as popular as we thought it would be. he showed us where the hottest spots were during spring break and new years and how the beaches will be flooded with people.

'flooded' is like the exact opposite of what my wife and i experienced at our area. as i said, we are located about 30 minutes from 'civilization' and quiet reigns supreme......well until the european soccer fans show up....

while my wife and i were absolutely chill-axin by the infinity pool sipping pina colada's, out come the slimy speedos and offensive body hair, talking and laughing like we're...well, like we're 30 minutes from here. it wasnt necessarily all that loud, but based on the scene, they were sticking out like a peg leg pirate in a bmx competition.

they're laugh basically echoed off the ocean it was so loud and the 3 other couples there also noticed. the other couples were also american, so i assume they didnt care much for the soccer match either. definitely couldnt say that about the 6 cheering and jeering europeans we saw galavanting around poolside.

as they continued to delve into obnoxious level laughter, i causally turn to my wife and say, 'oh shit. thats an effing unibrow!' you would have thought i had seen a unicorn the way i stared and stared. i did use my cloak and dagger like glasses to hide my amazement, but i couldnt help but get a second and third look. when you think about it, unibrows arent all that common, so when you do see one, you're instantly like 'oh shit. thats an effing unibrow!'. this was a good one too. it was so bushy that edward scissorhands needed to be called in for a trim. it was also exactly straight and parallel to his eyes. i mean this thing was straighter than a cobra on viagra.

the loud cheering only lasted a short time. we ended up chatting with them and finding out they were from italy. i of course kept my glasses on the entire time and tried like hell to not stare at the one guy's 'middle brow'. we all were starving from the extensive swimming we had just done. thankfully we only had a short wait while the buffet was setup.

when my wife and i sat down, we could hear our soccer friends in the other part of the restaurant, roaring with laughter again. i cracked up yet again, because my wife sarcastically said to me, 'i wonder if your 'unicorn' is having a good time.'

eloquent tokens

2010-06-26T14:55:00.000-04:00

hey sorry for the delay, but ive been busy doing alot of amazing things the last few days. i mean i dont mean to brag but im literally the sweetest person i know. ive been donating my precious time to some precious causes. its been tough because im already an amazing father and outstanding husband and that zaps alot of my time. ~~they were fortunate~~ i was fortunate enough to be able to speak at a few very distinguished events within the community and...what can i say, ~~they were lucky~~ i was lucky to be ~~free~~ chosen. just to name a few of the places ive been the last few days: i went to a gala
for "teaching heidi pratt basic math skills foundation" and it was really great. i also shook hands at a lovely dinner party for the "council of teaching domino's pizza how to use tomato sauce that doesnt taste like butt and feet." that was an amazing dinner. then there was the smaller mixer benefitting the "loose stools. again" committee which was put on by taco bell. now this wasnt as big an event as, say, the "can you say loserville" put on by the folks at skinny jeans, but what gave the taco bell mixer a stronger impact was ceo Kevin O.PECTATE gave a moving yet lengthy talk and, long story short, there wasnt a dry eye in the building.

so, as i said before, if that doesnt say sweetness, i dont know what does. not only do i think so, my friends linda and small town girl also apparently think so. apparently. they both bestowed the same award on my stoic shoulders. as with all awards they come with rules that you are supposed to follow with the emphasis on 'supposed'. i do what ~~my wife tells me~~ever i want so im going to bend them a bit. the rules state that i must state 7 things that ive mastered, but being the vigilante that i am, im going to make a different list. what you are about to read is not a list of 7 things ive mastered, because ive only mastered one thing and that one thing is randomness. thats right, sometimes i make shit up. so im listing 7 examples of my mastery of randomocity....well actually the beginning was pretty silly too so...whatever. anyway be forewarned, this could get ugly.....

1) Speaking of forewarned. You ever wonder what the difference is between the words 'warn' and 'forewarn'? Well I did, so I looked them up. it said forewarned meant to warn in advance?? so how is that different from just a regular warning? arent all warnings beforehand? i mean if I was about to punch someone in the lip and warned them after the fact, that wouldn't be a warning would it? That would be more like a reminder.

2) Is it just me or does m&m's have too many options now. They have recently come out with a pretzel filled m&m. How silly is that? It should just be plain or peanut with a possible special edition candy. I mean that's not even an m&m anymore. next thing you know they'll have an m&m filled with beef jerky. then after the beef jerky they'll surely come out with the m&m thats actually a skittle. and naturally after that, the m&m filled with salad dressing will line our shelves and thats just disgusting.

3) Have you seen? the smurfs are getting redone. They're supposed to be more up to date or current looking. I don't know about all that, but I do know thinking of the smurfs always makes me think at least 3 things: 1) when the smurfs sing "the blues", do they call it the "me's"? 2) for the longest i was convinced that it was only acceptable to fart in public if you were very young or very old. Well at least that's what the lady at bed bath and beyond told me. just recently ive decided to add 'being a smurf' to this list simply because the male to female ratio is overwhelmingly in favor of the alpha smurf. so basically for the male smurfs, 99% of their day is spent amongst other male smurfs and that equals, well....fart away. 3) and consequently, no matter how little smurfette dates, she will always be considered the town whore.

4. So I assume I'm not alone in my thinking that there are about 3 too many settings on most toasters. I mean every time I somehow manage to burn my toast, I immediately think "shit." I'm absolutely not thinking "shit...I wish there was a setting for it."

5. So if a unitard is a single and completely irrelevant article of clothing, a unicycle is a single wheel used mainly by clowns or other circus performers, and unibrow is a single and ridiculous strip of hair across the eyes, then why does unisex mean its for anyone and not a single sex? I mean its for men AND women. and unibrow offenders alike. Wouldn't that make it at least bisexual? Its pretty confusing actually, but I at least know the terror we all know as skinny jeans are bi-curious.

6. I've said before that if I were an atheist, I would point to snakes and spiders as evidence there is no god, because he had to have foreseen that crap movies like snakes on a plane and 8 legged freaks would find their way to our movie theaters and what kind of loving god would do that to us? I'd also like to add another ammo shell to the atheist arsenal...parrots. Yes parrots. More specifically, I'm referring to parrots that talk. Now there are at least, what, a bazillion different types of animals. And its out of this vast array of animals that I find it odd that parrots got the speaking voice. I mean parrots?! Really? They just seem like they would have the worst and most horrible speaking voice. And lo and behold they do. it really is terrible and aggravating. Its like even more annoying than the racket produced by a centipede on a 1000 crutches. and now that i think about it, I bet the rhinoceros would have the coolest voice. I bet it'd sound like a mixture of barry white and optimus prime while smoking a cigar.

7. so i was at chuck e cheese the other day and as usual, i couldnt have got out of there any sooner than i finally did. every time i leave that wretched establishment my ears are always ringing like 6 bees landed in my ear. chuck e cheese is a pretty cool place despite the loudness and the having to dodge an occassional ~~abomination~~ kid that is severely underwatched by his parents. not to mention that its one of few places that carry mellow yello on tap. after we found a crumb ridden booth to sit, i just sat back and people watched for a good 15 minutes. as i scanned the room, i saw what looked to be an 8 year old birthday party. i then saw another birthday party a few tables over but this kid was a little older. i then noticed all the balloons and bags said happy 13 birthday...happy 13?! isnt 13 a little too old for a chuck e cheese party? i mean isnt that a silly way to usher in your teenage years?? i just cant see celebrating my 13th with creepy human sized puppets and 8 year old humans. then again i did see this same kid literally skipping around from game to game. i feel pretty confident in saying that 13 is definitely a little too old for skipping to be acceptable. i have a 10 year old daughter and she doesnt even skip much. although she has always come across as more mature than her age because she carries herself so eloquently. but then again she does tend to argue with her brother and sister over who got more tokens. chuck e cheese will do that to a person. it will make you want to party with puppets. it will inspire you to skip, even though you're past the skipping age limit. and with all the video games present, you will possibly act less eloquently when shiny tokens are present.

thank you again miss linda and small town girl. you gals are amazing and i get butterflies in my tummy whenever i see you guys have commented on something ive wrote. please, visit them now and visit them often.

ADD

2010-06-16T17:28:00.003-04:00

lets go!

now ive said before, countless times actually, in real life and blog city, that im terrible at math. now thats not to say that i cant add and subtract and all that simple kind of stuff. but i do in fact still hate it. i mean i hate it more than joan rivers must have hated not looking waxy.

especially in regards to school and that you have to be able to do it to graduate. i mean past adding and subtracting, its all pretty much null and void right?

i mean i dont remember the last time i used algebra, but i do remember the last time i added my change up when i paid with a 100 dollar bill. thats alot of change and you wanna make sure you get all your change right? i mean its not everyday you get to pay with a 100 dollar bill. the only reason i had one was because i finally won one of those scratch off lotto tickets from the gas station down the street.

i had tons of change because most of my winnings was spent on gas, candy and a few more tickets.

after i took my sack of goodies and correctly added change, i handed the bag to my wife so she could disperse of the treats to the ~~wolves~~ kids and what not. while rifling through the plastic sack desperately, she daintily looked up at me and said, "you didnt get me a blow pop?"

i demeaningly looked at her and said, "yes i did. i got one for everybody. cant you add?"

she confidently looked back in the sack and said, "oh. i see it now. besides. that wouldnt mean i couldnt add it would just mean i couldnt find my blow pop..." which is true i must say. i also gotta admit that, if i thought i wasnt getting a blow pop, i'd be dainty too. blow pops are that great. i mean its candy and gum. who doesnt love that?

well there is that whole bad for your teeth thing and all. i mean it is candy and gum? there hasnt been a more formidable tandem of mayhem since that vicious bobby brown and crack thing. but make no mistake, blow pops are awesome. and speaking of mayhem, you wanna know what isnt awesome?...good & plenty.

have you ever tried them? well if you havent, just trust what i tell you when i say its the worst 'candy' ever to sit and collect space and take up dust. ew. i think a more fitting name would be bad and scarce. i mean calling it good & plenty is more confusing than the lone ranger fiasco. if you think about it, the lone ranger has a partner? thats right. the lone ranger has a partner?? whats that all about? at first we're all like, 'hey check out this new badass. he's so badass he doesnt even need a partner. he's lone.'

but then we're like, 'hey what the hell? why does the lone ranger have a partner?'..(kisses teeth) lone ranger. more like the tandem ranger. talk about not being able to add. how is even possible to mess up that counting? its either one/lone or two/tandem. ranger. it cant be a mix of the two. i mean one??...wait. whatever?? what was i saying again? oh yeah, i hate math with a passion of the christ, but then again i am a bit ADD.

picking wise

2010-06-14T16:14:00.009-04:00

it was friday evening. it was after school and after homework and a hearty meal. i gathered the kids together on the couch to share what i had spent the last few weeks writing. i wanted this to be special or hopefully impact their lives for the better for many years to come. i wanted everything to be just right so i let the sizzle and crackle of the fireplace be the only noise in the room so they could focus and meditate on what i was about to speak. as they all sipped their hot cocoa and finished their crumpets, i turned off the tv to signify that i was about to go socrates on them.

on the chair next to me, i had set up what i was going use as my visual aid covered by a patterned blanket. at just the right moment, i began my speech.....

"ya know kids, ive been around and know quite a bit about how life works. i mean, kiera, when you were born i was 22 years old, in college, and working. i was all but forced to mature rather quickly and i hate to brag, but after 3 kids, i find myself to be a wise man. anyway, i saw this and knew i had to have it because it speaks the wisdom and knowledge that i desperately want to teach you 3."

it was going great. i unveiled my woodly wisdom which i found online. it was titled '5 simple rules' and when i saw it, i ordered it and immediately began to plan this moment. these 5 simple rules would usher my kids into an understanding of life that would never fail them. i hadnt quite got around to writing out all my words for the last two points, but i figured i would just let the momentum from the previous 3 propel me into my conclusion.

i continued...

"guys. its really simple. first off live everyday like its your last. dont take anything for granted and.....sammy, please take your fingers out of your nose when im talking to you. thats very rude, okay, and not to mention distracting. im trying to share somethings right now that are very important and i need your full attention. not half of it."

my son is the youngest and easily the most rambunctious of the lot.

"hehe half of it?? how would you even measure that?" said my oldest and wisest ass of the three.

"you know what i mean. just pay attention is what im trying to get at....jadyn are you snoring?"

"but dad this is so boring and im already sleepy from the cocoa. are you almost done or what?"

my middle is just that. THAT middle child and always speaks her mind even if its borderline rude.

"okay guys! listen, ive spent alot of time trying to get this just right, can you just give me a moment of your time? i mean the next thing i wanted to talk about fits perfectly. you have got to learn all you can. whether it be in school or 'on the streets', you have got to learn all you can. learn from your mistakes. learn when to speak up and when to keep quiet...like now. you can never learn too much and...kiera? do you have to practice gymnastics right now?"

"im just working on my routine dad."

"NOW?"

"well why not?"

"oh i dont know, maybe because i asked you guys to sit down and listen to my simple rules speech! ya know what, im going to try and not even get angry, because my next point speaks on the importance of laughter. a wise man once said, 'laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. guys you gotta learn to laugh"

"dad"

"yeah sammy"

"i laughed today and it really was good"

finally someone was listening

"see! thank you for that my one and only son! what were you able to laugh at and how did it affect your young life? wanna talk about it?"

"today in school. my teacher sat in her seat funny and it made a fart noise. we all laughed."

"uhhh, first off take your fingers out of your nose. secondly, thats not what i was getting at."

"what do you mean?"

"i mean, when i say laugh, i mean...jadyn? really? are you juggling?"

"no not any more."

"yeah not now that i said something you arent! please, just sit down so i can go on to the next one!"

"dad?"

"WHAT SAMMY?!"

"whats gravity?"

"gravity? why?"

"i heard it at school."

"okay maybe another time sammy."

"dad?"

"......yes sammy"

"why are butterfingers so crumbly?"

"...cmon. are you serious right now? why are your fingers always in your nose? i dont get that."

it was not going as i planned. i had 4 pages of hard hitting life lessons and they werent listening. they were more side-tracked than the village people at an all male mud wrestling event. i went through the first 3 with little to zero success and was scrambling. i had no momentum and little prepared on the last two points, "love" and "life". i continued my plight through "love" and had to endure the onslaught of more random questions. my son asked about bassoons, my middle asked why quicksand was pretty slow, and my oldest asked why jumbo shrimp were still rather small. this wasnt looking good. i perked up for my last hurrah and decided to give it my all.

"kids. look i know you havent heard a single word ive said, but please just gimme 5 minutes to make my last point. okay?"

"sure dad." they all said in unison.

"okay. the last simple rule is...life?? wait hold on a sec..."

"umm dad?"

"not now kiera."

"but dad! to 'life' technically isnt a rule per se."

"well...i know. but its like its the sum of the previous 4."

"okay?? but whats the name of that thing?"

"its called 'the 5 simple rules' why?"

"well because you like gathered us here making us sit down and stuff saying something about 5 rules or whatever but you should have been saying 'i have 4 rules and their sum.' did you pay for that thing??"

"ahem...first of all, you are grounded. second of all, yes i paid for it. i got it out of the skymall. and third of all, sammy get your fingers out of your nose!"

kung fu-y

2010-06-11T23:04:00.003-04:00

i feel like ive been missing my 'medicine' by not confessing as i have in the past. i feel like things are 'not right' when i dont get my weekly confessional in. well all thats about to change because im about to spew. as an added bonus, i will reveal where i lied or told the truth regarding my post a few days ago. anyway, without further ado, my confessions according to me hosted by the oh so pretty glamazon. please stop by her page and join the confessional posse. this one is a little late but like i said, i need my meds like an anteater needs 6 bounty rolls when he gets a bloody nose. anyway, here goes something...

1.) i could eat biscuits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner

2.) i like sweater vests. (believe it or not that is NOT the confession part) i like them over something like a button down or polo or even a white tshirt depending on the sweater. (cue the confessional music) i DO NOT, however, trust men who wear sweater vests with no shirt underneath....dont ask. just trust me on this one.

3.) i used to eat chinese food from those mall chinese food places like 'the panda bear'. im just saying, those places just seem so overwhelmingly disgusting to me now. i think they use real panda in their lo-mein. seriously they put the "e" in "e-coli" and the "shit" in "shiitake"....

3.5) this one is #3.5 because i confess that i wanted to go on about how 'shiitake' kinda looks like the words 'shit' and 'take' were scrunched together and how that it fits perfect in the given context.

4.) i confess that i had this text convo with my brother the other night. for the record, he's pretty damn random himself and SHOULD be blogging as well and our text convo's are epic...

my brother- hey do you think gwen stefani is pretty?

me- yeah she's okay

my brother- yeah me too. what the hell is a holla back girl anyway?...

me- i dont know but its bananas...B-A-N-A-N-A-S

5.) i confess that i like poetry. well some of it anyway. i mean would have pursued it more in high school if i wasnt so low self esteem-y and thought everyone one would make fun of me because they said i liked fagg-y things. haikus were my favorite. they're short. they're witty. they're intense. all this plus the name sounds so kung fu-y.

6.) the other morning i said to my wife, 'uhhh, why is there glitter in my shoes?'...pretty sure that if you've also said this before, you either have kids with school projects or an 'alternate lifestyle'.

7.) i used to work at sea world of texas in san antonio. the job was pretty cool i suppose, but it did have its annoying bits too. what with all the rules about not jumping in with the dolphins stuff?? i mean whats that all about? but easily most annoying was when the people i worked with would come to their job ON THEIR DAY OFF! these same people would be bitching about work and the restaurant when they were there, but as soon as they had a day off, they would come to the park and annoy the people working. i still see it today though. people come in and think its the coolest thing when in actuality...its not. at all. and its annoying. its more annoying than mr and mrs pac-man on speed.

8.) im pretty sure ive worn the pair of jeans i wore today for too many consecutive days. i dont know what the 'shelf life' is for jeans, but im pretty sure i passed it recently. i mean if they were an apple or milk they'd be all lumpy and mushy.

9.) i read magazines starting from the back

10.) i hate people reading what i write BEFORE im done. seriously my wife and i split up for 6 weeks because she once glanced over my shoulder while i was typing.

11.) i google things. my most recent trip to googledom was this: 10 fun things to do in wyoming. i wasnt impressed and im almost positive i wont be going. this is what came back:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7. not get eaten by the children of the corn
8. visit the cardboard box plant
9. skipping downtown
10. meet the inventor of the word boring

wow now that was some soul bearing/clearing stuff, but now its time for the ~~not so~~ big reveal. in the post, i listed 7 things and you were supposed to figure out if i listed 6 truths and a lie ~or~ 6 lies and one truth. well most of you did guess that i listed 6 truths and lie, but only one person got the lie right. ironically it was the glamazon who guessed right. this is what i listed:

1. i would sell my liver to be a jedi knight for a year.
2. i have a faint scar on my lower back that i received while showing off for my son and his friends in a bounce house.
3. in the 8th grade, i was in a gang for 2 weeks.
4. i have a tad bit of social anxiety.
5. if betty white was 60 years younger or i was 100 years older, we would be dating.
6. im terrible at math.
7. i once won a dancing contest

1. hell yeah i would!
2. actually true and it hurt like hell too.
3. nope never in a gang although my friends and i did come close. too tough for our own good i guess
4. actually true, but i manage okay most of the time
5. also true. somehow??
6. see #5
7. yeah buddy! im a beast! i did a salsa/hip hop thing. still trying to get my man card back too ; )

so the lie was being in a gang but like i said, my friends and i almost entered one for some apparent reason and im guessing the reason was because i was either: trying to offset the fact that i liked poetry or that i was looking for an outlet for my kung-fu

dude

2010-06-09T12:55:00.003-04:00

you know how they say oil and water dont go together? or whitney houston and bobby brown? or chinese food and breakfast? or lindsay lohan and rationalism? well ive got a similar situation going on in my life too. truth is its been going on for as long as i can remember. the fact that i like to stay up late at nite AND that i love sleep in truly is a pairing made in satan's armpit. i mean there is minimal good that can come out of repeatedly leaning on the snooze bar every morning all the while staying up late channel surfing or surfing the web even. my mornings are doomed and i, not to mention, often wake up more frustrated than heidi montag looking at this math problem "9+4=__ ..show your work".

again there is very minimal good that comes out of my channel surfing binges. the funny thing is i rarely even watch a full show. i just sorta go from channel to channel, stopping only when my eye catches something. the other funny thing is that i mostly watch the infomercials and make fun of em or i watch the commercials and i make fun of them too. the laughter tends to keep me up longer into the night though. ive tried counting sheep and even numbering bottles of beer on the wall, but by 23 bottles of beer or 11 sheep im like, 'dude...shut up already.' when counting gets too tedious and aggravating i sometimes try ambien, a prescription level sleeping pill. what is funny about this that sometimes the ambien makes the commercials/infomercials even more hilarious because it really makes you loopy if you try and stay awake. actually i try not to take most sleeping aids because i always feel so groggy in the morning. but i did hear melatonin is great for help in sleeping and you can get it without a prescription so i decided i'd give it a try. so the other day i went to 'rite-aid' looking for the 'right aid' hoping they'd have some i could try. if they didnt, my 'right aid' would have to involve a trip to the liquor store. its raining outside and the thunder is crashing like earthquakes. maybe the rain will help me rest up and im sure turning off the tv would help but its just too enticing.

when i was flipping through the channels, i stopped at this one guy doing one of those 'motivational talks'/cd's/seminars. you know the type. similar to a tony robbins. i forget what the guys name was but he at least looked like he could motivate. i mean he walked and talked like he invented the word motivation. he would stand there and talk about god knows what, but he did it so proudly looking. like a statuesque elk in the appalachian mountains. on the other hand, jillian michaels from 'biggest loser' and 'that new show' show she's on doesnt seem the motivating type for some reason. or maybe its not that she isnt a good motivator, but that the idea of the show is so ridiculous to me. she seems to be more on the side of trying to deliver some poignant speech than offer dieting tips. its like all i can see when they show her and she's supposed to be delivering some encouraging and heartfelt spiel about 'doing better', is how many times the director had to yell 'CUT' to get the speech just right. thats why i hate reality tv shows. they are so NOT reality. give me the elk dude any day.

the tv also informed me of all the new cleaning scents they have for floor cleaners and what not. strangely enough, whenever i think of floor cleaners im instantly beamed back to the days of my childhood and how my brother and i would always spend the night at our friend richard's house. we had the best sleepovers over there. we would play video games, eat cookies and pizza until we passed out from the grease and sugar rush. in light of all the fun we had, i most remember going over there and smelling the overwhelmingly strong pine sol she had just used to douse the floors with. richard's mom was great because she was the type that felt if she was having company, she had to have everything perfect. even if her guests were 12 year old dudes that most likely wouldnt even notice until much later and when one of them was writing a blog about it. so we'd get tons of sweets even though, in return, we would most likely spill on her freshly cleaned floors or drop slimy pizza slices face down on her carpet. i swear she had a pine sol iv coursing through her floors. they smelled incredibly strong but its like she mixed regular smell good products with the pine sol, because her kitchen always smelled like pine cones dipped in honey and, again, those damn floors were clean as a whistle! they were squeaky clean! they were squeakier than ~~virgin~~ mouse.

i always look at products they sell now in regards to mouth cleanliness and think things like, 'dude. we have toothbrushes with grips on them, ions in our toothpaste, and vanilla flavored mouth wash??' i mean, how vigorously do people brush their teeth that they need a comfort a grip? its just all so crazy to me. appreciative of course, but still crazy nonetheless. i remember a teacher i had in middle school that would have definitely benefitted from the technological advances because apparently they werent around at the time or she hadnt heard. when i say her teeth and breath needed some work, trust me, it was really bad. i mean i wish i had taken the apple for your teacher thing literally because i would have stopped everyday and picked up an apple if it meant me not having to endure her outdoorsy breath. it smelled like a pet store and im almost positive she brushed her teeth with sugary icing. i really wish some of those ions would have invaded her mouth and teeth so i wouldnt have been so fearful of asking questions and risk her approaching my desk and watering my eyes. i did make that mistake a few times and am positive she's the reason im terrible at math. every time i would submit and ask a question, i would nearly die of the anticipation that she would feel the need to come to my desk. each time i would ask the question, my eyes would be wider than a paranoid owl and within minutes i would either be breathing a sigh of relief because she answered while sitting at her desk, or i would be in the nurses office asking for a cold towel for my forehead and toothbrush so i could rid my mouth of the taste of vomit. damn...now we both need vanilla mouthwash.

my wife and i dont exactly have a 'green thumb'. i mean the closest we get is when we brave my sons laundry basket without gloves. there are tons of things sold that are supposed to help you get a nice yard if you so desire. we dont, but if thats your thing, there are TONS of things you can put on your grass to get rid of weeds and crabgrass. there was this guy in our neighborhood that would always yell at us for playing in or even near his yard. he was always afraid we'd kick a ball in his petunias, trample through his manicured grass, or our dogs would defecate or hump too much in his yard. we would all be like 'dude. relax already. is it really that serious?'. whenever we'd be near his house, i'd undoubtedly think at least three things: 1) your yard is my dogs bathroom. get over it. 2) your yard is like a doggie motel or something because all the neighborhood dogs seem to go there to hump.....3) dont ALL animals technically 'do it' doggystyle? if so, why exactly did dogs get the credit?

oh well, as the rain continues so does my channel hopping. hopefully i'll doze off before that off air programming starts annoyingly buzzing. channel surfing? who started calling it that anyway? its really an odd term when you think about it. i mean did the surfers invent the term? my best guess is that one night some surfer guy was up late talking a friend and said, 'dude. you know how we pound waves and crash through the water almost daily? well thats what it feels like im doing to the channels right now.'

ps- im doing the big reveal to my previous post on friday as part of my friday confessional. if you havent guessed which i listed, please read my last post and see if you can figure out what told yall.

100 years

2010-06-07T00:43:00.006-04:00

whew. has it been a week already? that is entirely too long to deprive you guys of me and i know you've been waiting in anticipation of my next post. right? well maybe not, but i know of at least two people that still think im okay. in fact, they think im so okay that they awarded me with awards. now i know some dont dig the awards, which is cool, but i do. especially when cool bloggers are the bestow-ers. i was given the plastic joy award by the glamma glamma glamazon mormon mom and the creative writer award by the small town girl with big time coolness

i first found the glamazon via the friday confessional she hosts every friday. its been therapeutic. its been awesome. its even been a marriage enhancer. my wife no longer has to hear ~~as much of~~ the nonsense i have floating around my skull. now, she can just read it if she chooses, things are kosher, and i have the glamazon to thank. when you visit her page, tell her i sent you and you will instantly receive a prize...

the details of this award are quite......ahem......different. you are supposed to name 5 celebrities you would like to make 'whoopy' with and then pass the award on to 5 others. when i first read the details of the award i was like ~~wait, make whoopy with?? what year is this and i thought her title said 'mormon' in it?~~ 'cool'. but then my dissenting side surfaced. now overall, im a pretty good guy. i mean just ask me or anyone else i direct you to ask. well im not like buddhist boy scout nice, but generally speaking, im a stand up guy. i mean if whitney houston and i were to have married back in the day, her career wouldnt have derailed so terribly and we'd still be singing her praises instead of remembering that she actually said 'crack is whack' in public. anyway, like i was saying, my dissenter side surfaced and i decided to go against the grain and choose a different list of 5 celebrities. i ~~my wife made me and is literally looking over my shoulder as i type this while making mean faces~~ decided to list 5 celebrities that an awful lot of people find attractive, but i happen to disagree. to each his own right...

1. penelope cruz

2. sarah jessica parker

3. megan fox

4. kirsten dunst

5. nicole kidman

6. cameron diaz

am i crazy? hehe its all good if you think so. you say 'tomato', i say 'tomato'.......well i guess that saying doest exactly translate as well when written but you know what i mean.

also, you'll notice there are six women listed but the rules of the award say 5. thats because #3 is a TOTAL lie because i think megan fox is very attractive, plus my wife went to the bathroom. she's an average actress, but definitely hot. i think thats a good start to the rules of the next award....

the creative writing award states that i must list 6 truths and/or lies and one truth or lie about myself and you are supposed to figure out which im listing. its like a communal award. the small town girl and i have never met, but ive already stated that we will meet at some unspecified time in the future to share a drink or ~~twenty~~ two. she is a texan and a sleepwalker. both of which i find to be awesome characteristics. ive felt that way about texans since, well, forever, but as for the sleepwalkers, ive only recently discovered this likability factor. i have her to thank for that, as well as, the laughs i experience every time i visit her page. i wonder if she will be able to figure out what im listing here because i bombed when it came to picking hers. lets see what you guys come up with. i find it fairly easy because, well, because im writing this, but also because im doing mine pretty silly like. so which is it? what did i list, 6 truths and a lie or 6 lies and a truth?

1. i would sell my liver to be a jedi knight for a year.
2. i have a faint scar on my lower back that i received while showing off for my son and his friends in a bounce house.
3. in the 8th grade, i was in a gang for 2 weeks.
4. i have a tad bit of social anxiety.
5. if betty white was 60 years younger or i was 100 years older, we would be dating.
6. im terrible at math.
7. i once won a dancing contest

haha like i said, i find this extremely easy to decipher, but i want to know what you think? would i really sell my liver? should i have listed betty white in the original rules of the plastic joy award? the suspense is just too intense.

thank you glamazon and small town girl, you gals are great and i appreciate you thinking of me for the awards. i mean its not everyday one gets to post plastic porn on their page or have the opportunity to deceive without consequence.

giraffen

2010-05-28T13:38:00.003-04:00

this confessional thing has really become a big thing in my life. it has reached the level of having its own 'memo' area in my phone, so that when i think of something while driving or playing with the kids at chuck-e-cheese i can just jot it down. i like to think of it as little dear diary entries on steroids. if you havent participated, you should. its fun and you feel better in the process. and while at it, you should visit the glamazon's page regularly.

this week im doing this entry a little differently. i typically list about 8-12 different confessions ranging from everything between mercury to ~~pluto~~ the new last planet, but over the weekend my wife and i took our little ones to see the newest and last shrek installment and by the end of the movie i had already decided to make my confessional, one confessional sorta drawn out....random tangent but that was literally the longest sentence ive ever re-read. anyway, onto the drawn out confession

my lone confession this week, is that i really find it weird when adults go to what i deem to be a 'kids movie', without kids.

there i said it.

i know many people who differ and find it okay for adults to go to kids movies but whenever im in the theater, i always see them and think, 'wow thats weird.' i have friends who are like this so obviously i dont hold it against them or look down on them or anything ~~for long~~ , but they often say in defense of their weird movie choice, something like, 'well movies like shrek have hidden adult humor in it.' and i quickly retort 'yeah it absolutely does and im definitely grateful for it, but its in there for the parents and besides, you know why its hidden? because its a KIDS MOVIE.'

so ~~7 HOURS INTO THE MOVIE~~ i soon had to go to the bathroom to evacuate what the 16 liters of pepsi did to my bladder. why is everything so expensive and large at the movie theater? and why are they all about 'expanding' stuff? i mean no matter what size drink you ask for, they will always counter with a bigger drink or popcorn option. its like, dude. i dont want to wheel barrow my popcorn back to my seat or stick a straw in my mini-cooler sized drink. we typically get snacks after we've taken our seats so we dont have to stand in those nile long lines. so after the pepsi made its exit, i made my entrance into what i thought would be a plethora of short lines. boy was i wrong. there werent alot of people, but they had a few lines open which made no sense to me. i mean didnt they know shrek was opening and that there would be tons of ~~creepy adults~~ snack friendly kids flooding their lines?

as i stood in line, i smelled something...odd. it was the kind of odd that would make you want to duct tape your face. not to mention look around and try to figure out where the hell it was from. after about 5 grueling minutes, i finally deduced that it was the guy behind me. i dont know if it was from his mouth or his oily body hair, but it was bad and every time he exhaled or wafted wind my direction, i thought a tsunami of mold had bullied my nose.

as i stood there waiting impatiently, i noticed this guy in a tank top and too tight jean shorts. i wont even comment on the fact that it was tucked in, but i do want want to comment on his tattoo. it was an awesomely multi-colored tattoo of a giraffe. now ive already stated my adoration for tattoos so i notice them on other people often. it was cool looking because it really had some great color and detail, but my mind soon drifted and i then began wondering why exactly this man had a giraffe as a tattoo? i mean a giraffe? really? of all the animals to choose from, you pick the one who's necktie would be 75ft tall? i drifted further into wondering why he had it. i bet he had some lame ass sentimental story for having too like, 'one time i was on this african safari and a grizzly bear was about to attack us and while we all wondered what the hell a grizzly was doing on an african safari, it was too late. he was coming to attack us. well there was this giraffe eating leaves with its long neck and the grizzly bear got sidetracked because he ironically took notice of the fact that if a giraffe was wearing a necktie, it would be 75 feet tall. how crazy is that? it really was more ironic than medussa at a snake charmers convention. anyway, while the grizzly stood distracted, we made our escape and he just harmlessly trotted off to chase fish and eat sticky honey....so i mean, if it wasnt for the giraffe, i wouldnt be here watching shrek with my 6 year old son 'giraffen'.

watermelons xyz

2010-05-24T13:20:00.003-04:00

remember with me if you will to a short time ago when i posted some drivel about rootabaga's or something like that. well upon hitting the 'publish post' button, i realized at least four things. a few of those things being:

1. i have got to stop posting when ~~drunk~~ its past my bedtime.
2. the more you say 'rootabaga', the more you realize it really sounds filthy disgusting and its because of this filthiness that im sure the rootabaga will continue to live in obscurity.
3. 'rootabaga' is actually spelled 'rutabaga'. but when i first entered the word into my laptop, i entered it like 'rootabaga' because that is how i thought it was spelled. my 'plan' was to go ahead and keep it as 'rootabaga' but then add at the end something about how i purposefully spelled it wrong because blah blah blah. basically i was totally dissing the rootabaga because, well, im almost certain they taste like how a port-a-potty smells. anyway, if you didnt read that post, please check it out so i may make some sort of sense to you. if you did read it, you'll maybe remember that i didnt put that part in about purposefully spelling its name wrong because, well i forgot. i do that alot. especially when its ~~happy hour at the bar~~ past my bedtime. so now it looks like i neglected my contractual spell check obligations and if you've read my blizzle (blog) at all, you may remember that i cannot stand blatant spelling errors and thats basically what this damned 'vegatable' made me do...inadvertently that is.

anyway, i guess most people dont initially know how to spell it either mainly because of the aforementioned obscurity, BUT i noticed it and what was intended to be a diss on 'rootabaga's', ended up with me getting punked. i mean i was waiting for ashton kutcher to jump out and be like 'gotcha! take that you rutabaga hater!' (for those of you not in the know, ashton kutcher is president of 'FETA' which actually has nothing to do with cheese.) no the Fair and Ethical Treatment of Atrocious vegetables has been on my case since that fateful post, but im relentless. so to that i say, screw you rootabaga's. no one knows who you are and the ones that do think you are a stool sample posing as food. and not to be outdone, screw you FETA. your leader hasnt been in anything good since.........(wait gimme a sec)........uhhhh??........well i guess its that last camera commercial. whatever. i hope you continue on your plight into nothingness and the only groups that finds you satisfying are rats and leprechauns, because rats are possibly the worst thing ever and leprechauns dont even exist. take that jerks. i wish i had never even heard of rootabaga's.

well i did say i had four things realized. i went on a bit of a tirade, but i wont forget this time. there's this saying from where i grew up, maybe you've heard of it. it goes 'fool me once and i slam your ass in a blog and there is no second time.' so having said that, i used my anger for good and decided to channel that energy into another list of 10 things. this list is different though. i said i wished i had never heard of the despicable rootabaga and this list was bred from this wish.

so the fourth thing realized is that, instead of a list of 10 things you'll never hear, i should devise a list of 10 things we SHOULD HAVE never heard. in this list you wont find anything about rootabaga's. think of them as being grandfathered in. i will, however, continue to spell the name as i choose. and as for FETA, they can just keep whining with their cheese.

the list goes something like this....

1. 'well what if we go overboard with nasty meat.' -- arby's

2. 'nonsense dolly. a quadruple eleventy nine xyz implant isnt too big nor excessive.'

3. 'would you like to take my class?' -- keanu reeve's acting coach

4. 'sweet! i finally finished my script.' -- whoever wrote howard the duck

5. 'i wonder how much ugliness we could get away with.' -- design team for birkenstocks

6. 'appropriate? like whats that mean??' -- lindsay lohan

7. 'haha thats funny.' -- whoever first encouraged gallagher's watermelon routine idea

8. 'ive got an idea, take a whole lot off the front and DO NOT touch the back.' -- the first mullet guy

9. 'so i just squeeze it and abandon the sense of irritability?' -- the first to try an accordion

10. 'damn bro you are wearing those skinny jeans.'

mile high club

2010-05-22T21:42:00.002-04:00

right now, my life involves loads of traveling. traveling in insufferable amounts to be more precise. naturally, the more i fly, the more i experience why it sucks so bad. cancellations and delays seem inevitable and is an easy way to screw up one's night. sometimes i feel like i must have been an ant in a former life and my buddies and i royally f-ed up a picnic outing by treading through the potato salad to damage the pimento loaf, but i digress. in a nutshell, flying this much stinks. because of the stench, i tend to look for ways to amuse myself and i must say; the airport has got to be the biggest collection of uncoordinated people ever assembled. i see people running for their gates w/ the lamest form ever and its like their joints arent even connected. i mean good thing there's no killer after them because they'd be done before they could even start the creepy score!

anyhow, the incessant flying, reincarnated potato salad footprints, or clumsy travelers is not even the reason for this offering so i apologize for the tangent. no this is about, obviously, the mile high club. if you arent familiar with the term, it basically is a slang way of referring to 'having sex on a plane.' i dont know who started the phrase or what the draw is to having sex on a plane. ass on a plane doesnt really appeal to me, honestly speaking. it just seems like there is an extremely higher price to pay for getting caught than the actual act. but honestly, thats also a tangent because thats also not necessarily what i'll be talking about in this post. although i must first preface that statement by stating, yes i am talking about ass on a plane, but not that type of ass.

ive noticed over the years that some people do not take kindly to children on planes nor their hosts (parents). on a recent trip, i witnessed one ~~ass~~ that infuriated me so much but if you werent looking you wouldnt have even noticed it. but i was definitely looking and definitely noticed his asswipedness.(<<--totally not a word but its my post sooo...) there was this thirty something mom by herself and her child was not having a fun day. we were supposed to leave at 8:30pm, but we didnt leave until 1 am. hell i wasnt having a fun day either. i was more upset than a guy with a uni-brow on a blind date that failed to mention that part.

about an hour into the flight, her kid was screaming and restless. well this jerk in front of her was huffing and puffing like some eighth grader who got tricked by his pals on opposite day. he kept glancing over his shoulder with that look that screamed, 'will you shut that kid up already!' his smugness was sickening and i sincerely felt for the lady. her hair was a mess, her face was red, and the embarrassment and shame literally flowed from her body. not to mention her kid was moving about like he was of tazmanian decent, and to top it off, she had the added pressure of the asswipe in front of her.

just a few thoughts mr. asswipe if you dont mind. i know you're busy being tough and all, but this wont take a second. im not sure if you've noticed, but anatomically speaking, children have shorter legs than adults. this may help you in understanding that at times their legs may bump your chair when they reach for something or when they are in their parents lap and are having a rough time processing life and why they are on this friggin plane this late at night. whats that asswipe? why dont parents just make their kids sit still for the duration of the flight you ask? well it sounds easy enough right? well for starters, i know, like jesus, there is no record of your early life and that you just magically 'popped up' on the scene all knowing. i know you somehow managed to bypass all the years where self control is learned and just came into the world completely mature and mindful, but not everyone is so fortunate. shocking huh? imagine the shock i faced when i had kids of my own and saw firsthand that children really are not all that mature nor are they respectful of others space. go figure. they're on this path called 'life' and it really is a difficult thing...for the kid AND the mom mind you. especially when they have the added pressure of some doucher, holier than thou, waste of space plane mate. i mean seriously? what i want to know is who exactly are you mad at? the mom? well, if she isnt the type that just allows her child to run the aisles freely and does nothing to help taper the child down, then please just relax already. no amount of passively griping will help. now if you're mad at the child, well, i dont know what to tell you bro, but basically just give up all hope. i mean life will get WAAAY more serious and you will surely encounter bigger villians in your days than some some sleepy toddler. so like i said, just give up hope. you should go play russian roulette with a chainsaw or take two ambien and nap on elm street. whatever you do, just leave the woman alone please. the flight is temporary and your ignorance is not bliss.

well i do hope my words though sticky with sweet sarcasm awaken pleasantness in you and that you save your asswipedness for: loud cell phone talkers, people who wear their bluetooth or neck pillow around while not in use, and plane farters.

the rootabaga line up

2010-05-19T16:31:00.002-04:00

the other day i was talking to someone about texas and wishing i was there at the moment and blah blah blah. i grew up in san antonio and there is apparently good, if not great, hunting in those parts. im not a hunter, in case you're wondering why i said 'apparently'. ive actually only shot a gun twice in my life. he was all sorts of surprised at my admission because he assumed all texans: hunted, chewed dip, drove over-sized trucks, wore shit kicking boots and cow tipped. he was like, 'man i NEVER thought i'd hear of a texan not shooting up some shit.'

take it easy big fella. not all texans shoot up shit. anyway, i dusted off my 10 gallon hat and went about my way. i found it crazy that what he perceived of ALL texans couldnt be further from the truth. in my life anyway. i then thought about other areas where i might be surprised at what i heard. and from there...well this list was birthed.

its basically a list of 10 things you will NEVER hear. some are from people, some are even from inanimate objects. either way, im 99% sure you will never ever ever ever hear!

1) 'damn. im eating ramen noodles, could you pass the salt?'

2) 'boy, mikeys mom sure does make a mean rootabaga soup'

3) 'we are not diabetes in a straw' -- pixy sticks

4) '911? hey just wanted to say you guys are doing an awesome job' -- rodney king

5) 'sir where do you keep the rootabaga's?'

6) 'hey lets visit nebraska!'

7) 'man, my cat is soooo active!'

8) 'damn my feet smell awesome!' --any fly

9) boy, fran drescher's voice is pleasant isnt it?

10) 'oh. so this is what the stairway to heaven looks like.' --hitler

posters note: not quite sure why im picking on rootabaga's. actually, not quite sure why im even thinkng about them, but hell, could you pick one out of a vegetable police line up?

i rinse my teeth with sprite

2010-05-14T14:32:00.006-04:00

its friday so that means im getting back in the confessional saddle. thats right, im riding this horse for another week with anticipation and regret. im excited to be at it again, which is reason for the anticipation. yet i also have a touch of regret because i missed last week (only my second miss since joining this posse) and the glamazon says she wont be hosting next week due to some mouse problem or something like that ; ) anyway, me being the optimist i am, i will hopefully come back with guns blazing when she fires this puppy back up again the following week. having said that, this confession is a little late because things are still jumbled up in my life PLUS my youngest daughter was home from school today because she was sick as a dog. anyway, its time to get down to nitty gritty and confess things that until now, were only known by jesus himself, my wife, and me. kinda like the trinity of knowing me...wow that sounds super sacrilegious....

1. i was recently given the prestigious awards, the sunshine and versatile blogger awards. im honored by these and happy to hand them out, but the previous weekend i feel i SHOULD have received the 'kick ass husband' award. my reasoning is simple. if you recall, i recently said something about how the new nightmare on elm street movie looked terrible and i had no desire whatsoever to sit and watch it. well my wife wanted to watch it, and long story short.......i was right. the movie sucked in every way possible. (thats what she said) not only was freddie's make up terrible, the storyline was atrocious, freddie himself sucked, and there was absolutely zero redeeming qualities about the flick. i mean MAYBE a few of the girls in it were cute, but hardly enough to outweigh the hour and a half torture session......so that is my reasoning why i should have won. maybe next year keanu reeves will make yet another crappy movie and i can win then.

2. i say the 'thats what she said' thing too much. ive started saying it for apparently no reason and i think its time to put the phrase on a hiatus. the other afternoon, my wife says to me:

'honey can you do the dishes?' and i said...

'thats what she said.'

she was like, 'uhhh really? does that even make sense?'

'ummm i dont think so'

'so why'd you say it?'

'it just sorta slipped out.'

'well honey, maybe you should find a new saying.'

'i know but its just so tempting. cant you just let it slide and let me enjoy this for once?'

she quickly says in a whisper 'thatswhatisaid'

i say 'excuse me?'

'what. i didnt say anything'........

3. if you notice in confession #1, i spelled freddy kreuger's name like 'freddie'. i hope you noticed because that isnt how his name is supposed to be spelled. i hate hate hate when people default to spelling my name 'sammie'. thats just ridiculous and despite the fact that thats how a girl ought to spell it, defaulting to 'sammie' is completely backwards. thats like washing your butt crack and feet and then washing your face...or something like that.

4. i actually knew a guy in high school that would occasionally not brush his teeth before school, but he made sure on these days to rinse his mouth out with sprite instead. his defense when my brother and i would tell him how disgusting and damaging that was, was 'man get off my case already. you arent a dentist.' i'd be all like 'yeah i'm not a dentist, but im also not a butt doctor and i feel pretty confident in saying that if you put a lit firecracker in your butt, bad things will happen.'

5. in my last award speech, i mentioned that i get annoyed very easily. when people unnecessarily back into parking spots, i get annoyed. i think i get annoyed by things that make no sense to me. i guess backing into the spot saves them time from having to back out when they're ready to leave. which technically isnt true, but lets pretend it does. how much time is really saved? 10 seconds? 15 at the max? i mean unless you bought milk that will expire if you dont get home right away or plan on robbing the place and need to speed off in a hurry, there is no sense to it.

6. i also said i get consumed with mundane things. the other day i thought about the saying 'a bird in the hand beats two in the bush' and thought that it sounded ridiculous. i then thought about what i'd ask the guy who created this gem and how in the hell he came up with it. i mean a bird in the hand?? how is that even practical or relevant? if we were able to talk, i would soon attempt to pass off my own wisdom by telling him, 'well you know what they say, "a winking eye means the spaghetti envelopes are triangular..."

7. i am repulsed by arby's sandwiches. i havent actually had the meaty kinds before but i have been there. waaay back in the day of course. i mean really, the sandwiches look like some sort of meaty, sticky, and chronic case of camel toe on a bun.

8. you ever notice how q-tips can be a euphoric device or object of euthanasia. one second you feel like clay aiken watching a hot dog eating contest and then, all of a sudden, your ear is pain stricken and you then feel like a dragon who's had tabasco go down the wrong pipe.

9. i really find the 1030 cutoff for breakfast to be a ridiculous choice. i mean at 1030, sure its technically late for breakfast AT HOME but at a fast food restaurant? also, why does everyone fall in line with this idiot-ness? its not like its a law or something. am i the only one that thinks 1030 may be a little too early for a big mac?! i mean hell, most of the time my system is hardly even alert enough to know its being attacked by a mini double patty sandwich of death.

10. i confess ive made ALOT of bad decisions in my life. consequently, alot of those bad decisions involved a taco cabana or jack in the box, but that is besides the point. whether it was the time i threw a rock at a house while in the 4th grade, because i wanted to show all the other kids how it was done, or the time i decided to find out how fast my parents nissan sentra could go, and of course there was that time megan fox kept saying 'no' but i thought she meant 'yes' and, long story short, i have a court appearance next month. anyway, right up there with all these and other bad decisions ive made, going to the grocery store hungry is right up there. i always come back with the weirdest shit. i mean i didnt even know corn on the cob came in rootbeer flavor. nor did i know there was a radish flavored fruitopia. i also found a butterscotch flavored milk, but it has a short shelf life....maybe i should back into my parking space

skee-ball

2010-05-13T13:28:00.005-04:00

first things first, long story short, ive been away. not real sure where ive been, but suffice to say...ive been away. it feels like ages since i lasted posted. i guess it feels like that because it has been forever since i made my way to my laptop and shared the drivel that consumes my dome piece (aka brain). ive been away longer than a dyslexic turtle reading war & peace and its really frustrating. i always feel like i have ~~crap~~ good stuff to post, but often life gets in the way of me sitting down to formulate my excessive thoughts.

anyhoo, now that ive re-introduced myself to my blizzle (blog) and hopefully stayed in good standing with those who choose to even read what i have to say. to those who do read, i really apologize for being away. i mean i REALLY REALLY apologize. (i said it twice and put it in caps so i'd be really convincing...because i am. im more apologetic than a rabbit with ED)....what does that even mean?? enough with the whining and what not, its time to get down to business....(thats a blogging term for 'its time to start whining and write something ya bum')

being away is one thing. being away and coming back to an award is another. but being away and coming back to two awards is right up there with: skee ball, smooth snow cones, using alliteration and spandex (on a hot woman that is. because on ANYONE else its just wrong wrong wrong. the lone exception might be lance armstrong.)

this is just the position i found myself in (thats what she said) upon my arrival. the lovely linda blessed me with the sunshine award and the star gazing star child handed me the versatile blogger award. needless to say this makes me 'crunk'. i know people have differing views of these awards, and thats fine, but i love receiving them. the whole reason i started blogging was to ~~rid my brain of all these damn cobwebs and other muck~~ hear other peoples thoughts on my writing because i'd like to write screenplays when i grow up, and as much as i adore this lady living with me, (aka wife) her sole opinion cannot be trusted. and trust me i quite literally need the affirmation because if i wrote everything that stumbled through my brain, i'd have about 10 followers and 8 of those would be blogs i would have created just so i could follow myself.

as with all awards, they come with rules. generally speaking i follow rules and by 'generally' i mean 'when i feel like it.' i think im supposed to share the wealth with 12 others for the sunshine award and 15 for the versatile award. i think that is waaaay too many so i'll pick choose as i see fit. dont judge me. the versatile award thing also states that i must state 7 stateworthy things about myself. of course i must link back to them and the only thing you have to do is go and check them out. trust me you wont be sorry.

The Sunshine Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blogging world. these are the chosen ones:

amy- i know amy beyond this keyboard and screen. we went to school together and she is one of the few who would still follow my page if i were to write all that crossed my mind...maybe

star child- a great sense of humor, funny ass stories, and a variety of topics are found on star childs page.

the glamorous life of hausfrau- a relatively new find for me, but when i clicked on her page, i was hooked. and fyi, PLEASE PLEASE stop by her page tomorrow!! you will not be disappointed and thats all im saying. hehe

the catons- fittingly, sunshine is what i think of when i stop in for a visit.

texas britches- she's from texas....not that i should have to say anything else other than that, but she is hilarious and a great sense of humor...plus she has mr t on her page and she's from texas.

mommywood- miss brittney holds the distinction of teaching me the ~~strike~~ thing and i couldnt me more happy that she did. i was driving myself crazy trying to figure that damn thing out. you have got to stop by her page simply because she's hilarious and sunshiny

lizzi- a great photographer and writer. i love reading her random thoughts because they make mine less lonely.

kat- nobody uses the f-bomb better!! she's like the samuel jackson of blogdom and thats all im saying!!!

and most importantly, thank you linda for sharing the wealth. you have really got to stop by. it does not matter the topic she chooses to write on, you will love it and keep coming back for more. (that. is. what. she. said.)

the recipients for the versatile baller award are:

alix- no doubt you will enjoy your stay at alix's page. what a crazy, wild, and hilarious woman. it is impossible to stop by and not enjoy your stay.

lora- if versatility were humps, she'd be a camel pregnant with quadruplets. not quite sure that makes sense, but trust me, you will get feverish with delight by reading her words.

terry- oh terry, terry, terry. what a clown! that is a good thing mind you and let me tell you, stopping by is definitely good for the soul, because you will laugh your ass off. she is also the first to break my blogging award cherry and i will forever be indebted.

glamazon- as if her title wasnt enough clue of her awesomeness, her page is twice as better than her name. she is also host to the only meme i can 'handle'. the friday confessional has been the honey to my tea for some time now.

linda- this is the same miss linda that gave me the sunshine award. you never know what you are going to read on her page. she has a wise ass husband that she says im similar to and that makes her a-okay in my book. never a dull moment and a great read.

salt says- a relatively new find for me, but it didnt take long to find out she is one hilarious lady!...oh and she gets extra points for her tattoo obsession as well

bananas- simply stated, she is bananas and out of her mind...in a good way of course. she also gets the extra points for the tat obsession thing...oh and the drinking thing

OTV- warning: do not go to her page if you have bad grammar....well you can and should still stop by because your laughter will make you forget the berating you will receive. seriously, she is hilarious and actually reminds me of chelsea handler...except she's not blonde...or white...nor is she a drinker.....BUT she is hilarious.

mrs. d aka the uber-milf- calling yourself the uber milf, is more than enough reason to check her out. she is absolutely funny funny funny and she accomplishes this with stories that happened in real life or things in her head and all is laced with just the right amount of swearing.

small town girl- lastly, another texas gal that is simply 'my homie'. i wont get into the whole sleepwalking bit, like i did the last time i gave her an award, but i cannot get enough of her page. i mean really, she swears, she drinks, and she's from texas. the trifecta.

the rules for this award also states that i must share 7 things about myself:

1. im obsessed with all things mundane. most times i have 7000 things swimming through my head that really have no relevance until i blog about it or somehow sprinkle it into everyday conversation. (which usually gets the weirdest looks)

2. i re-read my own blog on occasion. arrogant i know but i honestly surprise myself at times when i read things ive put down.

3. im about 90% sure that sarah silverman has taken the lead for 2nd place in my female comedian jocking. if so, she will have surpassed chelsea handler but not betty white. its actually impossible to pass betty white.

4. randomness is my friend. she calls me on the phone and we have lunch dates often.

5. i actually found this out the other morning: i apparently would chance pissing the bed because i didnt feel like getting up at the time, but when i realized the sooner i got up the sooner i could eat frosted flakes, i was already down the stairs.

6. i get annoyed easily. the other day someone left me a voicemail and left their number faster than indian food leaving the body and i got so annoyed that i couldnt get the number that i refused to even call back.

7. lastly, this should be my new profile: im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

thank you linda and star child. i can now get back to my regular irregularities...

im the stranger you ought to listen to

2010-05-03T20:00:00.005-04:00

in my last post, i mentioned how terrible kesha was as a musician. i feel like im dirtying up the word musician in using it to reference miss kesha. i also feel like im dirtying up the dollar sign by using it in her name, as she spells it, so ive since refused to type it to reference her. anyway, i really do find her music crappy (you dont understand, i really need to crap when i hear her) but its not only her music that makes my ears feel as if a brillo pad has been rubbed against them. there are unfortunately tons and gobs of people who simply have less talent than yoda's use of a boner.

i guess thats just the state of music today. its more about image than actually being able to sing worth a rip. i guess to look at the glass as half full, the fact that the music industry isnt really about music DOES make real artists stand out more. having said that, my wife and i absolutely love and adore corinne bailey rae. if you arent familiar with her, you should take my advice and give her a listen. and yes you should take my advice. just think of me as the ~~stranger~~ waiter who suggests what you should have for dinner even though i dont know you. her music style is a beautiful mix of jazz, blues, r&b, and neo-soul. to make an artist comparison, she's between norah jones and alicia keys.

my wife and i had the pleasure of not only seeing her in concert at the house of blues, but getting to meet her after the show. i love it when artists sound just as good in person so we were happy to hear her sweet voice echo through the standing room only crowd. getting to meet her was even better than hearing her sing. i mean what a sweet sweet woman. i think one of the few things she has in common with chelsea handler is how they both smile with their entire face.

all in all, it was a great show and a great night (thats what she said). she really is one of the few artists out that i would buy their cd without questioning or having to listen to it first. i would buy it simply because she had one out. this is us after the show. you'll have to excuse me looking tired as hell. i look tired as hell because thats how i look after drinking too much ; )

during my recent, short leave of absence, i mentioned going to visit family, get a tattoo, and a certain child of mine walking into a certain bedroom, while my wife and i were doing a certain 'dance'. i said i would post some pics ~~before armageddon~~ soon so i figure i better get to it before satan's army leaves ~~Washington DC~~ hell and prepares for battle.

here is my newest nephew. in my brothers words, 'this is my lil boy! he's gangsta!' i swear this baby boy looks so much like my oldest daughter as a baby. holding him took me back to the days of diapers and late night feedings. this is where my wife found me somewhat helpful, because i figured i may as well be productive while staying up at all hours of the night. it also reminded me of the first piece of parenting wisdom my mom gave me when my first daughter was born.

mom- i dont think you're ready for kids

me- you're probably right, but who is?

mom- i dont think you understand the depth of parenting.

me- you're probably right but who does?

mom- well do you know you have to change their diaper EVERY TIME?

me- you mean i cant flip it inside out?

mom- NO! are you crazy?!

me- so i guess theres no underwear they can wear just yet either huh?

mom- absolutely not!

me- can i put the diaper in the washing machine? or maybe the dishwasher?

mom- i feel sick...

me- well before you throw up, tell me a good time to start them on solid foods? like steaks and shit? 1 month? 2?

and here is my son messing with his uncle. im just saying, it is in your best interest to NOT fall asleep before my son. he's a great kid, but im just sayin'.

just so you know, i had the hardest time (thats what she said) trying to take this pic and NOT look and feel like some myspace hoochie. i still feel like i failed though. the newest tattoo is the one across my chest. it reads, 'everybody dies but not everybody lives.' i'll talk more about our other tattoos and show off some of my wifes artwork very soon. (she's really talented)
anyway, my wife and i are really big into tattoos and, believe it or not, she has more than i do. she's actually kicking around the idea of being a tattoo artist herself. i told her that i will obviously be her first gig and the tattoo will read 'my first tattoo' along with the date. this one here didnt hurt too bad except for when he had the needle point on my effing sternum. i could feel the vibrations all the way into my throat.....and that my friends......is what she said.

twister

2010-04-30T13:27:00.004-04:00

its that time again and im especially glad that its 'that time' again seeing as how i missed last weeks soul purging. as ive said before, my confessions are mainly things i really do think about. things that consume my day and most, if not all, of my brain. so its for that reason i come to confessional and have this random diatribe posted for all to see. consequently, my wife is very appreciative of the glamazon for hosting this venue, because prior to the friday confessional, she played catcher to my nonsense baseballs and i guess one can only take so much ya know. even though im pretty sure she loves me 'long time', how many times can a person be expected to hear about things like: rear view mirrors and why things are NOT as they appear when you look in them. i mean dont we have enough technology to get that corrected? or how those snow cones with the crunched up ice arent worth a rip and the 'smooth' snow cones are the way to go. or how in the hell did the terrible show 'ALF' last longer than conan o'brien and who exactly was their target market? anyway, like i said, im almost positive she's able to look beyond these 'special qualities' of mine and give me unconditional love regardless of how many times i say that jawbreakers are easily in the top 5 of worst candies. ever. i mean who wants a ball in their mouth for that long(thats what she said) only to break your jaw afterwards??

ive decided to do something special this week because i missed last week. anyway, the friday confessional according to me in the 'thats what she said edition.'

i couldnt think of a 'thats what she said' line for all of them though.

1.) i recently mentioned that justin biebers was terrible. with this being the friday confessional and all, i would like to take this moment to issue an apology. so here it goes, ahem, 'hey justin, whats up bro? i saw you on saturday night live and i posted something about how your music was crap. well bud, i apologize....not that your music doesnt still suck, but ive found someone waaaaaay worse. her name is ke$ha. have you heard of her? well dont sweat it if you havent because her music is the quite literally the equivalent to grabbing all the silverware out the drawer and throwing it in the air. the ensuing bothersome sound is exactly what her music reminds me of. just noise. a bothersome and gross noise.'

--i would like to add that if your name is 'kimberly' there is a good chance you are a white female. if your name happens to be 'darnell', there is a reasonable chance you are a black male. if your name is 'ke$ha' then you are undoubtedly a horse shit 'singer'

--i would also like to add that this will be the last time i spell her name with a dollar sign or refer to her howling as singing or music.

2.) my wife and i are big into letting our kids 'find out' and 'be' who they are. we let them choose their own clothes for school each morning and even pick their own stuff when they receive cash or gift cards. i even allow my son to wear flip flops because he wanted to get a pair. (2 things to add here: i despise flip flops on men and i will say that i wasnt with him when he chose them but thats besides the point) okay so having said that, my son WILL NOT join the boy scouts. no offense to all those pro boy scouts, but i find it weird. i'll just teach my son how to tie a knot, roast marshmallows and throw spears at home. whatever i cant teach him about the outdoors probably isnt necessary because its 2010 and im pretty sure he wont be secluded in a forest without a lighter or cell phone.

3.) doors that need to be pushed to open but have handles infuriate me. its like having velcro and laces. why does pushing and pulling have to be so difficult (thats what she said)

4.) my wife and i love scary movies and actually have the hardest time (thats what she said) finding other couples who both enjoy a good scare flick. the new nightmare on elm street movie looks terrible and im sure the one who'll have trouble finding someone to watch it with is my wife, because she wants to see it and i dont. theres only one freddy krueger and thats ~~joan rivers~~ robert englund.

5.) i have a ridiculous sweet tooth and several cavities to prove it. i love most everything from skittles, starburst jelly beans, lucky charms(lets face it), twix, snickers, cake, pie, etc. i guess what im trying to say is that calling twinkies a dessert is offensive and if i was a peach cobbler i would be offended. just because something has cream in the middle (thats what she said) doesnt make it a dessert. its no different than just because someone is moving about the dance floor doesnt mean they are dancing.

6. speaking of moving about the dance floor, i cant quite figure out what watching kate gosselin move about the dance floor reminds me of exactly. i do have it down to at least two things though. its either: watching a lion tear through a bloody carcass or two people play twister while standing up....left foot blue dot, right elbow yellow dot, etc

7. speaking of, again, twister. calling it a board game is like calling spam food. it is literally impossible to play the game without it leading to sex. did you know the original title of the game isnt twister? its been through numerous name changes but the very first was called 'doggy style...well kinda'. then it was called 'why is your elbow on my balls?'. then it was called 'i dont know why your elbow is on my balls but i think we should have sex.' then they went with 'precursor to doing it.' of course there was 'technically we just had sex.' and the last name before settling on twister was 'dont tell your mom we just dry humped'.

8. i am astounded that yanni sold/sells cd's. thats pretty bold of him to go by one name. interesting name too, but i find it weird that he misspells his own name. then again, i guess 'yawn-i' would be too obvious. i think his name in hebrew means 'precursor to sleep'.

9. i'd love to see spencer or heidi pratt wearing one of those 'im with stupid shirts'. it would be so literal!

10. if i were an atheist, i would point to spiders and snakes as evidence there is no god. my reasoning would simply be that if there were an all knowing god, he would have been able to see that because of his creation, it would then spawn the creation of horseshit movies like '8 legged freaks' and 'snakes on a plane.'

i feel shafted by the bluebonnet

2010-04-27T13:35:00.004-04:00

wow so im finally back to posting. i did try and post more while on the road, but i only had internet access for a little while plus all the visiting around and parenting prevented me from even seeing my computer. i didnt even get to visit as much as i wanted to due to all the time constraints. so thats the reason im giving for not checking in on all the blogs i follow. anyway, im back from the beautiful state of texas safe and sound. texas is easily the baller-est state on earth. whether we're talking the people, food, things to do, etc, texas is simply baller...well other than us getting shafted by the bluebonnet. our state flower. i dont know exactly what all the other states have but texas is so damn awesome that one would think we should have got something better. who the hell makes that decision anyway and why? i mean i would much rather a state animal. our animal would be a mix of something gangsta like a black panther/pitbull hybrid. i mean a bluebonnet? if anything we should have got some something baller like a tiger lilly or hell just let me make something up like a 'valor bloom'. we wouldnt even have to actually have one. we could just use a computer generated one to show people. anyway im rambling....

excuse that tangent but like i was saying, we're back from our vacation and texas was great. we flew into san antonio and stayed with my brother and his family for a few days then drove up to dallas and stayed through sunday. we went with a bunch of stuff in mind to get done while in san antonio and dallas and did just that....most of it anyway. a few of things we had on our list of must do's were:

go and visit my brother his wife and newborn nephew and my folks...check

eat at my favorite chinese restaurant of all time in san antonio...check

visit old friends...check

san antonio was fun and my family had yet to meet the lil one so that was good for all the cousins to meet up and hang. pics to come ~~when i get around to it which will more than likely be about two months from now because ive been slacking on all things having to do with my camera so i imagine posting pics will also take forever.~~ later

the drive up to dallas wasnt too bad. its about 5 hours and we had originally planned on leaving around noon. long story short, we left a little after noon. 7pm to be exact. good times. we checked into our extended stay hotel around midnite and had to carry the kids and luggage into the room because they were understandably knocked out. our stay in dallas also had a list of things to cross off:

go to our favorite frozen custard spot at least eleventy times...check

get tatted...check

visit old friends and drink margaritas, while watching the spurs hand the mavericks a thorough ass kicking...check

meet new friend to me but old friend of my wife, karen. she follows my blog via facebook so it was good to actually meet her(what up girl!)...check

take the kids swimming while at the hotel...repeatedly...check

family reunion complete with a crawfish boil, PECAN friggin PIE, and mother-in-law meatballs...check

check on our house and go through things we forgot (namely star wars dvds!)...check

lock the door to our room while the wife and i were about to 'have relations'...shit...shit...and SHIT!

--poster note. if you get offended easily, please stop reading.........now. and while your at it, you may want to stop reading my blizzle (blog) all together.....--thank you, management

thats not a joke by the way. we had to have 'the talk' with her because of...well you get it (thats what she said). if you've never had your child walk in on you, DONT! it makes for a very awkward, yet quasi hilarious, conversation with your 10 year old daughter. what made it even more terrible was the fact that we werent under the covers. at all. we're optimists so we were able to find a couple positives out of the situation: 1.) at least it wasnt my son that walked in. if you've met my son, you know exactly what im talking about. if you havent, well just trust me, we are definitely looking at a 'half full cup.' 2.) although forced, we were able to have 'the talk' with her. even though she was NOT interested at all. i mean who could blame her? i wouldnt want to know how hot dogs are made while at the hot dog factory ya dig. (im sure theres a 'thats what she said joke in that line somewhere or maybe i just made it) 3.) if she would have walked in 10 minutes earlier i would have had to explain the handcuffs, the sombrero, why her mom was calling her daddy 'daddy' and lets not forget about the beads.

all in all, it was great time away. the reunion was held at rustic creek ranch which is a park kinda thingy with tons of cabins. all 5 of us were in one but it wasnt too crowded because the kids slept in their grandparents cabin. the absolute highlight of the trip (for me anyway) happened as we got to our cabin. we had just got to our room and, as i mentioned before, we picked up my star wars dvds from my house. when we got there, my son noticed the tv had a built in dvd player and asked if i would watch them with him. this is what i texted my brother and brother-in-law who are also a star wars dorks...ahem...the day lil sammy goes off to college, i'll be moderately proud. when he gets married and has kids of his own, i'll be somewhat happy. the day he first told me he loved me, i was slightly joyful...he just asked to watch star wars with me and i teared up.

i still need to get caught up on TONS of posts though. plus my photo blizzle (blog) has been pretty anemic lately. im part of a community where its constituents post photos from their respective areas called 'the urbanity'. it was started by lora and if you want to do what all the cool kids are doing you should too. also this last friday marked the first time i didnt participate in the friday confessional since i started contributing (i think). its hosted by the glamazon and if you havent done one, you should, or just continue not having your friday brightened.

thats pretty much my week. a nightmare and an awesome time. its all good though because you gotta have rain AND sunshine for a rainbow right.

public #2's anyone?

2010-04-21T05:34:00.004-04:00

i am currently on the road for my kids spring break. its been extremely difficult to sit down and type since we've been doing vacation-y stuff and i feel bad for blogging/checking in on the blogs i follow when i should be doing vacation-y stuff or even parenting stuff. i guess i forget the kids should eat often and bathe once or twice even while away from school. i got a new follower named star child while driving somewhere between san antonio and dallas and when i finally made it to his page i saw a questionnaire i couldnt pass up on...plus it allowed for a quick post with little effort because most of the thinking had already been done for me.

also ive been wanting to do a questionnaire for some time now simply because i like thinking of silly ass questions and thus making you guys silly asses in the process. i dont feel as lonely that way. i may even do a 'meme'. actually scratch that idea because i havent the slightest idea how to do one of those button thingys and honestly the word 'meme' just sounds terrible. i dont even know how its pronounced but i do know it makes me think of macrame and i dont even know what that is either. whatever, im rambling but i guess those will come soon and that my friends...........is what she said. (sorry but i love a good thats what she said jokey joke)

anyway without further ado...

1 - Ever take a shit in the woods?

shit naw! (love the irony of that statement) i DO NOT deuce in public places and the woods is like the ultimate of public places. if we're at the mall or some other place not my house or even if we're on the road and i have to go #2, i will either hold it or find a hotel bathroom. a clean looking hotel bathroom mind you.

2 - If you won $1,000, what's the first thing you would do with it besides give me a cut?

i would go to whole foods so my kids could have enough strawberries and bananas for the weekend.

3 - What's your favorite phrase?

i have a few and some of those are:

i say 'i mean' alot. as in, 'i like going to whole foods but i have to get a line of credit to shop for a family of 5. i mean i like eating healthy but damn $1000 for 2 salmon fillets just isnt right.'

'what up dawg or cuz'...this is said to men and women as well as adults or children and is a term of endearment

'thats what she said'

'sammy get down from there. sammy dont touch that. sammy put that lighter down. sammy stop calling australia. that shits expensive. etc etc. my sons name is also sammy and he gets into shit. all the time

i also like making up things to add expression to something ive said or seen. case in point would be 'that shit hurt worse than a horse with a UTI.' or 'that was more annoying than a centipede with restless leg syndrome.'.......dont judge me

4 - Fill in the blank - the world would be a better place if ______ left the planet.

hmmm its a toss up between racism and heidi pratt's singing voice and every cd she's put out

5 - How do you take your coffee or tea?

how do i take it? i dont take it because stealing is wrong........well unless you really need it

but when i buy it, i get it like my womans bum.....sweet and hot. iced coffee is just a filthy concept. cold pizza equals awesomeness. cold coffee equals a magnificent disaster.

the irony is that i would guess both were birthed out of someones drunken bout and it just sorta 'caught on'.

hey God. its me sammy. i know you're busy but could you do me a solid...

2010-04-16T11:25:00.003-04:00

so its friday and that means its time for another confessional thingy. it is for real a great way for me to hone in on some of my random thoughts and put them somewhere other than my brain thingy. the glamazon plays host to this thingy and if you wanna be cool like me, the glamazon, and a host of others, i suggest you link up and join the thingy. for the record, i am the lone male confessional contributor and i dont know exactly why i added that but i did so whatever....

1. im feeling especially scrambled today. today my brain is similar to that of a meal served at cracker barrel. i get enamored with a word, made up or not, and just use it for no reason other than i cant think of the word fast enough im meaning to use. today that word is 'thingy' if you cant already tell. while rushing about the house, i asked my wife, 'when are you going to go get those thingy's?' to which she replied, 'you mean your kids?'...dont judge me

2. we're leaving for texas today in about 45 minutes and i just got done packing about 5 minutes ago. i think its because im a lazy packer and like a good challenge ya dig. sheesh, i mean anyone can pack over a 3 day period, but it takes real skill to pack a weeks worths in a rush....also, i apologize for the rushed performance today. i wont have much time to look over this post and i rarely do anyway.

3. i was once told by some bible thumper crazy that 'sheesh' is a 'bad word'. i forget the reasoning he gave but that was mainly because i was busy tuning him out practicing my curse words in my head.

4. i think i was about 11 when i first felt the sizzle on my lips from using my very first curse word. i stopped for a little bit a few years back but then realized that it was too much fun to use in the right context....and that context being everyday

5. i write the phrase 'i mean' alot to preface something im about to say. although i dont really say it as much as i write it. go figure.

6. justin baby-bib's song is still stuck in my head thanks to my kiddos. i blame them for my frustration because if it wasnt for them i wouldnt know who he was. although i must say they are also responsible for me actually liking the high school musical movies and as an added bonus, i also get to frequent chuck e cheese without looking like a freak so i think we're even.

7. eating contests sicken me.

8. i use oil of olay face wash and face cream. i used to borrow my wife's but then got tired of me stealing her stuff. so now i purchase it but i act like its for her at the register if i think they're looking at me sideways.

9. i hate actually talking on the phone. it is torturous and even my elbows get annoyed by being in that position. after about 5-6 minutes im looking for ways to get off the phone. i wonder how hard it would be to disable the talking feature all together?

10. i am extremely happy to report that chelsea handler's stand up was hilarious and relieving. i say relieving because a while back i mentioned how much i disliked everything flip flops, sandals, etc on MEN and guess what she said during her standup....thats right dammit!! she said she also hates flip flops on men!! thank you chelsea handler for validating my hatred. i really cannot explain why i dont like them other than the sloppy factor. in my opinion of course. i seriously have to focus in when someone is wearing them and they catch my attention. i get sidetracked that easily. i mean if Jesus visited me in a 'burning bush' like fashion and told me of his divine plan to save humanity or something, i could see myself interrupting and being like '....uhhh excuse me Lord, but could you do me a solid and put on some nikes or something? it would really help me focus and get humanity saved.'

upper bottom grazing

2010-04-14T11:16:00.006-04:00

is today wednesday already? this has already been one of those weeks where i simply cannot contain time. it actually started last friday. it was like i went to bed and woke up and it was wednesday. i remember stuff from each day and what not, but im still surprised at how fast the past few days flew by.

perhaps getting to meet chelsea handler this saturday sent my inner time clock on a hiatus. and word to your mother, i did in fact meet miss handler. i went to her show here in boston saturday night with my wife and another couple, but before that we went to dine at a restaurant close by. we've been there a few times so the people there 'know us' and one of the chef's comes out and is like, 'you'll never guess who's eating here...chelsea handler!' i took this as a sign from God that i was supposed to meet her and get a compromising photo. we quickly went over and met her, her assistant eva that was AMAZINGLY gracious, as well as chelsea lately regular, heather mcdonald. i of course skipped the handshake and went in for the hug. i can proudly say that she sorta grazed my bottom after our embrace. i think she did anyway. i may have imagined it, but thats neither here nor there. we all took pictures with her but the only cameras we had were the camera phone variety and they all unfortunately came out blurry. oh well, the meeting is still emblazoned in my head and upper part of my rump.

the show was hilarious, as expected, and two things i noticed about the whole night was: 1) this could potentially be taken the wrong way, but chelsea handler is better looking in person. not that she's unfortunate looking or anything on tv, but usually its the opposite ya know. 2) heather mcdonald is funnier in person. again, not that she isnt funny on the show, but she opened for chelsea and her stand up is hilarious.

i already had her newest book, but we also got an autographed copy which she personalized. watching her stand up is like having her read her books to you. she tells the same funny ass, borderline racist jokes that had everyone cracking up. not to mention that when she smiles, her whole face lights up. she had me laughing at times simply because she was laughing so hard and had trouble containing herself. gotta love it when someone tells a story and they themselves crack up.

later that evening i watched saturday night live, but not just any saturday night live, it was hosted by tina fey. i love tina fey as much as i do chelsea handler and betty white and seeing her on snl again made me happier than adam lambert in a cucumber garden. the only bad part about the show was the musical guest. it was justin bieber, which is odd because he doesnt technically make music, but whatever. i actually ended up getting pissed because that 'baby' song was stuck in my head like pb&j and it is a terrible terrible 'song'. i mean i get why kids like the jonas brothers (even though i swear none of them look alike. i guess the 'jonas cousins' doesnt quite have the same ring to it) and other pop sensations like bieber, but i get annoyed at all the crap on the radio these days. its not even whether or not you can sing, its more about how your hair looks and sways across your face. i remember when people were fascinated that j-lo and jaime fox could both sing AND act. now its like EVERY single kid from the disney channel can do both (for the record, j-lo's music is terrible and coma inducing).....whatever im rambling.

to make the weekend even more exciting, i found a five dollar bill in my jeans pocket. i dont care how much money a person makes, finding money in your jeans is like finding hay in the needle stack.(think about that one) i say this to express how good chelsea's show was, as well as, seeing tina fey on snl again. experiencing both in one day was better than me finding a twenty spot in megan fox's jeans. but regrettably, bieber on snl was more painful than watching spencer and heidi pratt play a game of scrabble. i say this because im sure everyone would grow weary of saying things like, 'dammit spencer! theres no 'R' in the word 'cat'!' or 'okay heidi. how many times are you going to try and use 'plastic surgery'?

hehe, get it? get it?

corn is the new voltron

2010-04-09T13:33:00.004-04:00

well today is friday and you know what that means. time for some heart purging confessions. well for me its more like brain purging because im basically confessing that this stuff is what i think about. daily. if im not mistaken, this may be the first time that ive posted twice in one day. so you're reading this, dont just read this post. read the previous entry as well because i received my first award yesterday and i feel like im on cloud 9...ty nine that is. actually read the previous two because this post makes 3 in two days and that is a complete rarity for me.

anyway, all this is a great start to the weekend. i'll be watching and HOPEFULLY meeting chelsea handler tomorrow. best believe there will be pics documenting me fondling her....ahem, thats, meeting her.

without further ado, these are my confessions and you would do well to head over to the glamazon's page and link up and see all the others confessing and having a blast doing so. who knows, you may even consider doing one of your own....and you ought to.

1. i am a star wars geek. not only have i seen all the movies, but i used to have a bunch of the toy figures, still in the package, and hanging on our wall. 'our wall' meaning my wife and i were married and had a child. i was in college at the time. SOOO many things i say about my dorkwad-ness, but that could get lengthy. im a dork. sue me. but if you sue me, i'll use the force on you and make your life miserable.

2. ive said it before (somewhere) but the word 'regularly' is near impossible for me to annunciate. i sound something like paula abdul on american idol. also, the word 'rural' is a close second.

3. unless you are lance armstrong, you should never ever wear those shimmery spandex by themselves. i mean, yuck

4. the toilet seat being left up is the worst complaint a woman can make. dont you folks check to see if its up before taking care of your business? i mean isnt the opposite also true? if i left it down, couldnt you also complain when you sat on a closed toilet and consequently peed on TOP of the toilet seat? im just sayin, if you're going to open it anyway, why would it matter if its open or closed. if you ask me, we're doing you favor.

5. grey poupon is a mystery to me. not only does it taste like a drunken concoction of mothballs and mustard, but they present themselves as an uppity type of mustard. the phrase 'poop on' is in your title yet you still arrogantly claim to be the bmw of mustard? whatever dude.

6. we spent $300 at whole foods the other day and our refrigerator STILL seems bare.

7. im not a 'daring' eater but i do love me some food. having said that, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, toast, and cereal is all i really need.

8. pineapples=great. pineapples on pizza= a disgusting mess. i mean thats like putting mayo on the bang bang shrimp at bonefish grill

9. i dont know how pop tarts made it passed the 'what is considered breakfast food' council, but dammit im glad they did. i love me some pop tarts. you HAVE to toast em though to get the full effect. eating them directly from the pack tastes good but still kinda boring. warming them makes them taste like rainbows and exclamation points and happiness. i mean what says breakfast better than sprinkles and icing and icing and sprinkles. put a candle in it and you've got a birthday cake. im going to design my own breakfast food comprised of cotton candy covered in toffee and jelly beans and it will come in two ways. pink and blue cotton candy covered in toffee and jelly beans. just warm it up and you're all set for breakfast and not to mention your sugar count through the year.

10. i dont know why i bother chewing corn. no matter how many times i mash em up, they still somehow 'come out' whole again if you catch my drift. its like the old cartoon voltron. all the parts would come together no matter the opposition. kinda like corn.

groupie love

2010-04-09T02:09:00.007-04:00

well apparently my flighty and flippant posts have landed me some fine hardware. twice! my blackberry first notified me of the award when i received word while eating and running errands with the fam in tow, that terry had bestowed the honor upon me. ive only been following her for a short time, but she is simply silly and truthful as can be. you'll pick up on both within 2 seconds of clicking on her page. i got wind of the second award later in the evening, as small town girl also passed my the honor. more on her later. so after high fiving our waitress at pf changs, i immediately began to anticipate how i would go about posting my gratitude for the honor. the obvious choice was to of course write out an acceptance speech. so please picture me perched at a podium, after megan fox and darth vader read that ive in fact won the award, tearfully expressing these words:

(i first give miss fox a hug and slip her my number)...wow. i dont know where to start. i remember it like it was 19 years ago. i was the tender age of 14, and i dreamed of two things: meeting darth vader and winning this award. yeah thats right, before blogging or even this award was an actual thing, i wanted to win it. and now after tons of sleep deprived posts and the right combination of vino and randomness, im proud to stand here in front of you all, with this award in hand. whats not to love about it? a severed arm gripping a pick ax will look awesome on my page. there's so many people to thank. i'd like to thank God for entrusting me with a brain and outlook on life that rivals my son. he's 7. (wait for the crowd to calm down from the hysterical laughter at my cheesy and predictable joke). i'd also like to thank my wife for believing in me and pushing me to write by always telling me how weird i am. i'd also like

--im suddenly interrupted by a drunk and annoying kanye west--

MAN THERE WERE TONS OF OTHER BLOGGERS WHO WRITED MORE BETTER THAN YOU TWO! YOU DONT DESERVE THIS AWARD! SO JUST GET OFF THE STAGES AND GAVE IT TO THOSE WHO ARE WORTHY MAN!!

me- hey man im just doing my thing. could you please remove yourself from this stage and let me enjoy this? besides, 'you two'? 'stages'? theres only one person getting an award here and theres only one stage you ass.

kanye- MAN THERE WERE TONS OF OTHER BLOGGERS WHO WRITED MORE BETTER THAN YOU TWO! YOU DONT DESERVE THIS AWARD! SO JUST GET OFF THE STAGES AND GAVE IT TO THOSE WHO ARE WORTHY MAN!!

me- really kanye? you just repeated the same thing you just said?

kanye- WHAT?

me- you just repeated yourself and your talking in all caps and its really getting aggravating.

kanye- SHIT. IM AT THE WRONG AWARD SHOW. IS TAYLOR SWIFT AROUND HERE?

me- ass....

anyway, receiving this award, my very first award mind you, is humbling and sweet. you can imagine the hyperness, and yes i mean 'hyperness' because im like bouncing off walls and what not, i felt when i received an email notifying me of the award again! yup twice in one day (thats what she said). small town girl was gracious enough to present me with the award thus completing one of the top 5 best days in my life. anyway, the award comes along with a few rules. these rules are:

1. Brag about the award.
2. Include the name of the blogger who gave you the award and link back to that blogger.
3. Choose a selection of blogs that you find brilliant in honest content.
4. Show their names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with this award.
5. List at least 10 honest things about yourself

1. sounds easy enough. i think ive more than arrogantly bragged about this whole thing.

2. ive also listed the ladies who so generously made my day.

3 & 4. so on to the 5 folks i will pass the awesomeness to with their links:

- miss lora over at 'fever' is a ridiculous ridiculous writer and by calling her writing ridiculous, i of course mean it doesnt suck. she has an uncanny knack for mixing wit and everything social with a realness that is hard to find. when she writes her first book and has an autograph signing at borders bookstore, im glad i wont have to stand in line with her sea of fans because she will have already mailed me my copy....right? also, she is involved in a great community project and all you have to do is click a button from her page. so you if you like helping people in need, please for heavens sake, just click the button.

- wymberley at 'texas britches' is a fellow texan. although this fact alone is worthy enough, i'll go on. ive been reading her page for a relatively short time and honestly dont remember how i stumbled upon her, but im glad i did. actually scratch that, i do remember how i found her page. i remember seeing her icon on someone's page and clicking on it solely because it was of mr. t. when i went to her page, not only did she have pictures of mr t, she also had some hilarious content. she is also a good ass photographer and her name is wymberley. i just like saying it because it sounds cool and i had never heard the name.

- next we have stella at 'tales of a supernova'. one day i told my wife that every time i go to her page, i feel refreshed. like im in a dream or some vision or something. and this is all BEFORE even reading her posts! i dont know if its the color scheme she uses or just her aura emanating through my keyboard. ive never met her but she has a sweet spirit that is evidenced in her posts. you well definitely find her posts intriguing and her take on 'spiritual matters' is always fresh and honest.

- then theres another fellow texan and crazy girl over at 'small town girl'. if you arent aware yet, she is the sole reason for my insane desire to be a sleep walker or at least fake like i am. and please believe im not kidding. she recently posted that she was in fact a sleepwalker and told a funny story about an incident she had. i then jokingly/seriously posted that i wished to be one as well, or fake that i am, and i literally could not stop thinking about this fact, days after she posted. she is a riot and you need to mosey on over and see for yourself.

- last but not least, we have choleesa at 'choleesas world'. i started following some time ago and when you go to her page you'll immediately see why. she is funny and the epitome of honesty. whether she's bagging on co-workers, EVEN THOUGH SOME OF CO-WORKERS KNOW SHE BLOGS ABOUT THEM, or telling a funny story she's experienced, or posting pictures, she will keep you coming back for more (thats what she said). i think her profile says it all. she says, 'i have a potty mouth and great legs.'...what else could you want in a woman?

and lastly, i must also put down ten honest things about myself. im going to feel really....'clean' after this because im also about to my friday confessional. so on with the purging:

1.if God came to me tomorrow and said that i had to choose between driving a minivan and holding a snake for 10 minutes, i would literally just drop dead on the spot.

2. i honestly look back at some of random things ive written here on my page and wonder, 'dude...are you serious right now?'

3. okay, ive said it before, but ive got to say it again, i really want to know what its like to be a sleep walker. aside from being able to do crazy stuff AND get away with it, do you know how much extra i could get done? i mean i could do housework AND sleep AND possibly not even remember doing it. the possibilities are endless.

4. i probably own more clothes and shoes than my wife. not only that, depending on the shirt, i'll sometimes buy the same shirt twice because i like it so much. and i dont mean when the first is unwearable. i mean i'll buy one on tuesday and another that thursday.

5. ive sadly been in jail. twice. and i dont mean to visit other people either.

6. my younger brother and i are actually the same age for 6 days.

7. i got married in college.

8. my family is the most important 'thing' in my life.

9. i hate the beach. mainly because sea creatures scare the hell out of me. so i choose to let them have their space and not to mention i dont really have use for a tan.

10. i really am humbled by this award. once i got the email notifying me of terry's post, i kept thinking aloud about the 10 things i would say and who i would give the award to. it was on my mind the entire night....dorky i know

so there you have it. i think/hope i covered it all. kanye has left the building and im about to follow suit. thank you again terry for thinking of lil ol' me. i would have posted last night but i got too tired after we got done with all our running around. not to mention the fact that my wife was 'all over me' (think horizontal mambo) after receiving the news of me winning the award. i think she's my groupie ; )

short and sweet (thats what she said??)

2010-04-08T13:43:00.003-04:00

the following pics were taken during my last trip to london. even the last one. there was this village of funny looking people...

saw this sign while walking around a park. i guess the gods toss lightning bolts in london.

well if you do, that show 'to catch a predator' will be at your door.

have no idea idea how this is even possible.

i imagine that ride across the atlantic was a bitch!

effing hilarious!!

the horizontal mambo...

2010-04-05T13:54:00.004-04:00

i dont know what it is these days, but i havent been able to sit down and watch a movie. at home that is. my wife and i will start with the best of intentions and try and hang together to watch a flick, (not that kind of 'flick' ya perv) but before we even start the thing, we just get disinterested and say 'well maybe tomorrow.' tomorrow then becomes next week and next week soon becomes never. she usually falls asleep before me, (hell owls look at me in amazement because i stay up so late) so i started trying to watch movies on my own to no avail. i either dont start the movie at all, or within 15-20 minutes of starting the movie, im like '(while yawning)...this bores me.' ive tried and failed on three different occasions to watch the michael cera and jack black flick "year one". no lie, i think ive seen about 20 minutes of it total. and at this point i dont even remember what those twenty minutes entailed. anyway, i dont know if its us being worn out after the kids hit the sack, or if we're just restless bums and cant focus long enough to actually follow the storyline. actually going to the movies is no problem though. i can drink wine and eat nachos and follow along no problem. anyone else like this??

the last movie i saw at home was 'the invention of lying' directed and starring ricky gervais. the same genius who fathered 'the office'. i was in a hotel room somewhere and for some reason i hardly remember, but made it through the movie with only a bit of trouble. i did doze off twice but was able to rewind it so i didnt miss anything. im telling you, it was a good ass movie. yahoo movies explains the movie like this: In an alternate reality, lying -- even the concept of a lie -- does not even exist. Everyone -- from politicians to advertisers to the man and woman on the street -- speaks the truth and nothing but the truth with no thought of the consequences. But when a down-on-his-luck loser named Mark suddenly develops the ability to lie, he finds that dishonesty has its rewards.

i love gervais' wit and it shows all through the movie. NO ONE is able to lie and it makes for some awkward and hilarious interactions as you can imagine. this of course had me wondering how that would look in our world today if that were so. if lying didnt exist, the following would also not exist:

-me NOT telling my kids that im santa claus, the tooth fairy and the easter bunny.

- when i go to vegas with my friends and my son asks what im going for, i'd be forced to say, 'strippers, gambling and alcohol son. strippers, gambling and alcohol.'

- what about when husbands/boyfriends are asked by their significant other, 'does this make me look fat?'. imagine saying, 'no it doesnt make you look fat. you know what does make you look fat?....sight. its the fact that i can see you that makes you look fat.'

- when one of my single friends asked me whats the key to a happy marriage, i'd say, 'strippers, gambling, and alcohol bro. strippers, gambling and alcohol.'

- when my wife asks how she looks in something i may not particularly like, i'd have to be like, 'uhhh, that dress is hideous and you should probably take it back....like yesterday.'

- when accosted by those annoying mall vendors, i'd be like 'no i dont wanna try your lotion so get the hell away from me you bothersome jerk!'

- when my kids ask about the 'noises' coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom, i'd have no choice but to say, 'well kids, its kinda hard (thats what she said) to explain. but seriously kids, there's this thing adults do called the horizontal mambo....'

- when sitting on a plane and your neighbor is aggravating the hell out of you, your next words would be, 'dude please. your halitosis infinitely infuriating and its giving me a nose-ache. if your going to keep talking, at least talk into the vomit bag.'

- upon seeing a guy in skinny jeans, i'd be like, 'hey man. hows that yeast infection coming and how exactly do you treat it?? also, when you purchased the jeans, did the store not have mirrors and did they come with an ass whooping too?'

- i would also have to be honest about school or at least what i think about school. particularly math. i mean unless you plan on working in the math field somewhere, beyond the 3rd grade really is a waste of time. i'd tell my oldest, 'trust me sweetie, ive seen your math work and there is ZERO chance of you being anywhere close to math field.'

no really it is. i was helping my daughter the other day with her math and i felt completely lost. did i mention she's in the 4th grade? really, i consider myself to be a pretty smart dude. im no brain surgeon or chemist, but im not a dullard either. i'd say im somewhere between bill gates and spencer pratt. i know thats a HUGE gap but you get my drift. at any rate, when she showed me her math problems, i was initially like, 'uhhh what the hell is this and why are they teaching you chinese??" we eventually worked it out, thanks to google, but i really struggled to not tell her that i honestly havent used alot of math as an adult. i dont remember the last time geometry was actually relevant in my day to day activities. i know what an octagon is, but more importantly i can read the word on it. i dont know what a trapezoid is mainly because NO ONE has mentioned the word to me in AT LEAST 20 years. for some reason i remember that pi=3.14 but as for its relevance, i only know that it tastes amazing with ice cream. i have no idea what a 'cosine' is and i suspect most adults dont. you know why they dont?....because its pointless to know. just listen to the definition of it and ask yourself, why is it necessary to know what it means: (in a right angled triangle) the ratio of the length of a side adjacent to one of the acute angles to the length of the hypotenuse....see what i mean? the only thing i know, and probably 95% of the world as well, about 'cosine' is that some people need someone to 'cosine' when their credit isnt great and they're really trying to purchase a vehicle. also, hypotenuse? that sounds like the term for a baby hippo or multiple hippos.

if we did in fact live in a world where lying wasnt possible, i would have no choice but to tell my daughter that math is severely over rated and that i really didnt mind if she cheated her way through the absurdness of it. i mean the only number she really needs to know is '1' because thats how many fingers it takes to work a calculator. i would tell her to focus on reading and writing and pass on the arithmetic because they hold more prominence and usefulness. i mean if you exceed in reading and writing you'll surely do well in life. if you exceed in math you'll most likely be a dork and single.

parry hotter and the lord of the nose rings

2010-04-02T17:11:00.003-04:00

so here goes another edition of the confessional according to me. im a little under the weather and still feel my brain is in a fog so hopefully this thing goes okay. also, if you havent tried your hand at the friday confessional, you should quit being a pansy and do one.......or at least head over to the glamazon's page and check out all the other folks not being pansies ; )

anyway, here goes me being un-pansylike:

1. the obvious first confession is that i use the word 'pansy' regularly. i call everyone in my house a pansy, including the dog, for no apparent reason really. if my wife has a headache or some other ailment, serious or not, i'll say something like 'quit being a pansy and suck it up.' if my kids come into the room at night complaining of monsters under their bed or in their closet, i'll say 'quit being a pansy and go back to bed.' as a side note, the words 'sissy' and 'candy pants' are interchangeable. i think i borrowed candy pants from the homie devin and probably stole 'sissy' from my brother. another side note, the fact that there is a pink icon on my page with the word 'glamazon' written on it is in no way 'pansy-like'.

2. the last couple of days i havent been able to stop thinking about and, consequently, breaking out into random bursts of laughter when i think about a post from the small town girl. she was sharing that she was a sleepwalker and proceeded to share a funny ass episode of it. the main part of the story wasnt even what had me laughing the following days. in the beginning of her post she casually mentioned a few of the things she had done while sleep walking and one of those things was peeing in a dresser. you heard me correctly. im seriously laughing as i type now. i turned to my wife and told her what i had just read and could not stop laughing simply because of the mental picture that ensued. i then pictured myself doing that to my wifes drawer and if i did, what drawer what it be. so naturally i walked right on over to my dear wife's drawer and noticed the one about waist level is her sock drawer. i immediately started laughing again at the thought of my wife attempting to put on urine soaked socks. gross i know, but equally funny in my opinion. i also started thinking about other random things i could do as a sleepwalker and how bad it would suck if i took all the cold cuts/meat out the fridge and put them in her underwear drawer. that would be friggin hilarious. she'd probably be like 'sammy, can we put locks on the fridge at night? do you have any idea what lunch meat residue smells like on a crotch on a warm summer day?!'

3. i confess that i wish i was a sleepwalker. i mean what a way to do random silly stuff and get away with it. its like being drunk without the consequences of drunken behavior.

4. if i ever had a teacher named 'herb', 'dick', or 'basil' i mean, i could not take them seriously...seriously.

5. ive never seen a single solitary second of ANY of the following hits: the lord of the rings, harry potter, or twilight....calm down calm down ye faithful followers of these flicks. i know thats blasphemous to some folks, but i can say that i own the first twilight, i just havent watched it yet. or taken it out the plastic for that matter. i wouldnt mind getting caught up on these movies but as for parry hotter and the lord of the nose rings....remember im not a pansy soooooo.....

6. i honestly feel bad for lindsay lohan. i just want to give her a big and then look her straight in the eye and say, 'dammit stop effing up your life!'

7. i am not a fast driver by any means. other than the texting while driving, im pretty safe. maybe i should get a minivan because they apparently ALL drive ridiculously.....but then again theres confession number 1 soooooooo....

8. i hope small town girl is okay with me referencing her post and the sleepwalking/urinating in a drawer/also placing meats in the drawer. if not, im a texan too so when im there again, i'll buy you a drink or 10. (she also likes to drink)

9. i said last time that i love tats. as of today, i realized that i would love to get tatted by a girl.

10. i am soooo not impressed with white castle burgers. all i can visualize when i eat them is a bun soaked in vinegar??

11. typically when my wife reads my posts, or talks to me, she always laughs and says, 'you're sooo weird....in a good way though.' for some reason its starting to get somewhat offensive. the other night we were heading out to a romantic dinner and a movie when she asked me what all females ask their mates, 'hey how does this look?' i look her up and down and say 'haha are you wearing that?? you look stupid....in a good way.'...hey its her own fault. its not like i say a bunch of silly and nonsensical stuff all the time and bring on the 'you're weird comments.'....wait. yeah i do....well its her own fault because no one asked her to marry me and.........shit.

i cant tell if i just confessed that im offended by the weird thing -or- that i confessed i am weird.

good

2010-04-01T11:45:00.002-04:00

i woke up this morning before my alarm annoyed me enough to finally get up. i mean considerably earlier than i have it set. i keep it set for 6am, but today i got up at o'dark 30....aka, 430. this is usually a crappy and unfortunate start to the day, but today was different. today is one of those days that arrive at just the right moment and are, to say the least, a perfect gift from the heavens.

ive been sick as dog and speaking of dogs, its been raining them and cats and squirrels and fruit and frying pans. no joke. but today none of that seemed to matter. over the last few days, when my alarm buzzed me awake, it felt as if satan himself sat indian style on my face while eating indian food the entire night if you catch my drift. i felt like a number 3 pencil on test day and some kind of dreary dirge should be played as i slowly crept down the stairs to start my day. my head pounded from the habitual and persistent coughing and my body ached as if rust traveled through my veins. but all of that was gone today. the thing is im still sick and for the life of me, cannot figure out what i did differently last night that led to such an awe inspiring day. coupled with an aura that rivaled ghandi, i kissed the kids warm foreheads as they slept, put on my best hoodie and went about the days errands with the fervor of a new mom.

if i could somehow figure out what was/is the catalyst to such a day, i would bottle it and sell it and make a fortune. i'd put it in a pipe and smoke it each and every night. i'd pour it in a flask and slowly sip the magical elixir all day. because whatever i did or dreamed is making me feel, not just on top of the world, but like i personally own the world. i used to hate spanish class in high school and today i not only feel like i got an 'A' on a dreaded and useless test, but like i invented the spanish language.

everything is, or at least seems, perfect. the birds singing outside doesnt just sound like noise, but its actually pleasant. all the 'right' songs played while driving about. or maybe its not that the right songs played, i just heard them differently. there were no minivans doing 80 mph in a 20 or 20 in an 80. hell i would even consider driving a minivan today. today my singing even sounded less atrocious and terrible so i know something has to be up. my wifes legs felt extra smooth and this very smoothness is about the only thing that could keep in the bed this morning. perfect.

its often stated that, in this life, we will always have to deal with adversity. we seem to move from one bombshell to the next no matter how many books we read or prayers we offer. adversity is indeed inevitable. because of this inevitableness, there's a certain 'glow' that ensues when we survey our life and things are going even moderately well. you know when relationships are budding, the kids are growing into pleasant human beings (even the boy), career is progressing well, the dog made his business outside, you either had a good hair day or you lost less than the previous weeks, you returned your movie rental having actually watched the movie and it was on time, or whatever causes that 'glow' from you. but then like steam from a hot shower, fear consumes the arena. the glow quickly fades and instead of savoring the moment, the onset of pessimism seems to cause me to simply sit and embrace for the next blast. or should i say, the birds get annoying and actually, my wifes legs arent all that silky. as the angry beast called pessimism moves in, i realize the shrapnel from the last attack still lingers and aches my soul. i often find myself just waiting for the next one. expecting them. im no longer living life, im simply existing. again this is no fault on me really. as i stated, tragedy can and will strike at any moment. despair preys on peace and anguish lies in wait of joy. as i enjoy this rarity of a day, i get a picture of this and why i should hold the pessimism at bay. the rain here has subsided but i must know that at some point the sun will be overpowered by storm clouds again, drenching everything under heaven. BUT, for the time being, it is foolish of me to not enjoy the present. i suffer a great loss to not take pleasure in all those small and under appreciated gifts that encircle me daily. how can i not enjoy now because of what may happen down the road? again, its a safe estimation to say that something contrary to what i wish or desire will happen, but i dont know the when. so for me, it would seem all the more beneficial to cling to and relish the silkiness of my wife's skin and the rain finally subsiding as i now experience it, because im certain the downpour looms. what 'downpour' do you fear?

what goes down smoother than jager...

2010-03-30T00:31:00.004-04:00

i seriously just dry heaved typing that. mark my words, NO MORE JAGERMEISTER, VODKA, OR REDBULL for at least another....hell i dont know.....day or two. its a little late (thats what she said??) but its time for my vegas recap. im still waiting on more pics to liven up the post, but until then, i'll just have to rely on using very descriptive words, imagination, and imagery....speaking of imagination, apparently mine is a little better than i thought. please indulge me a second as i go on somewhat of a tangent. a few posts ago i actually typed a post out while in vegas. i was just having a little fun and thought i'd use my imagination to come up with story as an intro to the topic, that was so ridiculous, theres no way anyone would/could believe was real. well most people caught on except for two i know of. those two people were: MY MOM and JOSH. josh, coincidentally was on the trip with me i was basically lying about and my mom, well, she gave birth to me. wow. i guess i either have an exceptional imagination or they think im capable of breaking into a strangers hotel suite?? i mean when i talked to my mom, a day or two later, she was STILL really concerned. i had to convince her i hadnt been arrested and that im not dumb enough to get caught. no, all those csi reruns keep me on top of my game. mom and josh, speaking of csi, they're doing a texas version and im in the running for the lead role. its supposed to be like texas walker ranger except its not going to suck. i'll let you know if i get the part.

anyway, we did have a good time but some of us were there a little too long. especially me seeing as how i missed my flight sunday morning. i mean what was i thinking when i booked a 7am flight?? idiot

when you think of a 'white trash wedding', what do you think of? mullets, hickeys, lovin' your cousin, maybe cut off, very 'fashionable clothing' of course, john deere gear possibly, etc. i bet if you listed 100, no, 1000 things, 'two black guys' would fail to make your list. well thats just the situation a friend and i were faced with upon attending a vow renewal in vegas 'white trash' style. but it was no big deal deal because it was a group of friends we went to school with and if theres anyone i'd make an ass out of myself for, its them. they were set to have this ceremony at the little white chapel somewhere in the desert aka, the strip........but first things first, the ceremony was thursday night and a few of us got in wednesday night. so you KNOW we kicked it quite nicely.

honestly we really didnt do much or go anywhere that first night. we pretty much went to eat at one of the chinese restaurants there at the aria and consequently, got served one of tiniest appetizers i had ever seen. i mean it was LITERALLY a bean, on a tiny tomato slice, on top of mango sauce. cmon. seriously. ive found bigger crumbs in my chin hair and i keep a small amount of chin hair. anyway, the food was pretty good overall and was really just a time filler or precursor to the drinks and dice throwing we planned on doing.

okay so fast forward a few, well, alot of hours, and its now about 4 or 5 am vegas time. keep in mind the entire group consisted of texas folk and one misplaced texan on the east coast (me).....speaking of misplaced, by this time we were all made delirious by a concoction of sleep deprivation and libations, so naturally, one of the guys from our group kept randomly disappearing while we were at the dice table. he would disappear for 10 minutes, then come back. he'd disappear for 12 minutes, then come back. he'd disappear for 18 minutes and 30 seconds then......wait. where's 'mike'?? aw shit where'd mike go?! we didnt know where to look so we texted him and waited. and waited. and waited. damn you mike! we havent even been here a day and you pull disappearing act on us!

we eventually found our way back to our room, minus 'mike'. fast forward to, well i dont even know what time because i was literally laying on top of the covers in my shirt, socks, and underwear at the time, but i was told he came to the door, or should i say escorted to our door, by some random worker wearing purple latex gloves. apparently 'mike' made it to our floor, but not to our room. no he found the aria hallway to be a better place to lay down for the night/morning. when asked where he'd been, he said something about 'hey. what happens in vegas, typically isnt remembered.'

--a few other highlights--

-the renewal was pretty damn funny. they each made their own vows and one was actually written on toilet paper. one guy was was dressed in a robe (think family vacation movies). the other 'black guy' in the group and i decided we'd be the cousins from the sisters, cousins, mothers, uncle's, uncle's side. that probably doesnt even make sense but who cares right? what i found sorta odd was that while we were walking around the aria getting ready to leave, one of the employees said our friend had to leave the casino floor because he was wearing a robe. really? im just saying, if i walked around with an otter and said it was my date to pee wee herman and lady gaga's party they'd probably be cool with it. cmon he's wearing a robe, not a green full body suit like the other guy we just saw. i guess they got upset because i was walking around in my costume greeting people saying 'hey! welcome to the aria' as if i was working for them. seriously, the more you stared at our group, the more i made it a point to come and greet you while you were eating. i even took a few photos.....meaning i jumped IN people's photos.

-our limo driver was sweet as can be but her name was 'forozan'. phonetically, i guess it was pronounced like 'for-row-zahn'. i think i said it right once or twice, but 'frozen' soon became her name, because that was all i could muster by the end of the night.

-the aria has a pretty nice setup and is very new. there's one spot right next to the dice tables that is an open bar type lounge thing. we were camped out here for about an hour before heading the see the cirque du soleil show 'KA'. this is where the title of this blog comes into play and my abstaining from jager, redbull, etc. we were all there just hanging out, chit chatting with all the people that came to sit in the vicinity and then someone mentioned we take a shot.....yuck.......about AT LEAST 6 shots later of jager/redbull and patron, we were all feeling pretty good. at this point there was some girl with her friend sitting next to us and we started 'shootin the shit' with them. because we were all in such a good mood, i decided to buy them a shot as well so they could join in the festivities.....yuck......well one of the girls comes over and says thank you yada yada and then asks what kind of shot we were taking. someone chose jager and then, well she pretty much titled this blog for me. she gets hers and only sips it and then complains that its too hard to shoot it all at once and that _____ is easier to drink than a jager bomb......yuck.......i refuse to type the words that this chick dirtied my fragile ears with so just use your imagination......i just dry heaved again btw.

-vegas is full of interesting people. while sitting at a bar on another evening, this guy causally walks into the middle of the bar and starts break dancing. he's got these ridiculous leather bracelets on that have spikes on them and a hat you would see on someone working in a rice field. except his was custom spray painted red and he had some chinese writing on the top but i forget what he said it represented. anyway, you KNOW we had to start a conversation with the guy. i mean its not everyday a scene from 'breakin' happens right in front of you. we end up talking for about 30 minutes and ive gotta say, it was an interesting 30 minutes. he would talk then randomly start dancing right there in front of us?? he told us that he was married but was soon about to get a divorce. he wanted to focus on chasing the ladies at the age of 39. he didnt really look 39 years of age and when i said that to him he said it was because he 'didnt eat meat, didnt drink alcohol, or do drugs, and he worked out alot.' to which i was like 'yeah right buddy. you probably just smoked your crack wrapped in a bong made of bacon and washed it down with some wild turkey or bartles and james.' this guy was a piece of work. he lost me when, well when he started dancing in the middle of the lounge with a rice field hat, but also when he casually said he was leaving his wife.........and that she has cancer.

-this thing could be 12 pages long if i let it and its already too lengthy in my opinion, so this will be the last story from sin city. next time time just meet us out there and see it all 'unravel' first hand.

we were sitting in this 24 hour diner located in the aria at about o'dark 30. while enjoying my, whatever i was eating, i look over and i see this guy struggling. he's there with what i thought was his boyfriend and he is so faded that he is falling asleep in between bites. we start laughing but really get loud when one of the waitress' brings a wheelchair to the table because this dude cannot walk. turns out the other guy is his brother and he's pretty agitated by his sloppiness. he refuse the chair and swears he will get his brother to the room without him busting his head on the aria floor and causing a potential lawsuit. the brother notices us, and everyone else in the area, laughing because it really is a site to see. i forget how we started talking to the lesser drunk of the two, but i do know i asked if we could take a picture next to his brother....of course he let us. out of his anger i suppose. this is him unofficially calling it a night. the other is us with some random guy who jumped in at the last second. said random guy is the guy on the right.

anyway, the best part of the scene was that the guy knocked out was named 'doug'. if you've seen 'the hangover', tell me this isnt slumped over just like when they found doug on the roof! i died laughing when his brother was like, 'hey doug come on man. get your ass up.' i immediately was like 'stop joking. his name isnt doug!'. it was and we all lost it.

for the record, im just sayin, i would NEVER do that to my brother. i like to hang and have a good time, but letting some group of jerks (us) pose with my brother would never happen. im still a good guy ya know. and to prove it, i paid for their meal and tipped their waitress. although i couldnt do anything about the dignity he left there at the table.

**all the names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.....well except for me, JOSH, MY MOM, and of course drunk doug.

UNconventional ovens

2010-03-26T06:59:00.004-04:00

so first things first, im starting to feel somewhat normal again and recovered from that little spot out in the desert. i actually did plan to post my confessional ramblings live from sin city, but.........well its vegas and on friday my brain was similar to a mosh pit. except instead of people bashing into each other while loud music blares in the background, i was in the fetal position, with a shirt, socks and underwear on sleeping on top of my covers with a headache the size of dolly parton's bra. im serious. my boys in attendance unfortunately have pictures to prove it. the sleeping thing i mean not dolly's bra. we can all see that without needing proof in pictures.

having said that, i am officially back in the confessional and rearing to go. im actually typing this on thursday afternoon and have it set to post at 6:59am sharp! so like marvin gaye said, lets get it on....just not in the sexual way of course

1) first off, if you read my last post, you'll remember i mentioned there was this guy that just sits in the back of borders bookstore and does nothing but make horrible food/snack choices. and those horrible choices are of course rasinettes and fanta. he doesnt read a book, a magazine, write, type, or anything you would think a person would do when they made the decision to go to the bookstore. well he's here again today and he's doing the SAME DAMN THING! i even tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he maybe finished reading before i got there or something like that, but i beat him here today. this is how mr creep face starts his borders bookstore trip and its just w-e-i-r-d. and he's always got this weird look on his face like he's thinking 'aww damn who farted?'. probably you creepy. probably you.

...and as promised, here's the pic courtesy of my wife. i had my back to him and didnt want to turn around to sneak the pic so i had her do the dirty work....

2) my car has a name and she's a girl and her name is rachel.

3) i wish each day had an additional 4-5 hours added to it.....well in the late am actually. like maybe if at midnight the time would then go to 13, 14, 15, 16 o'clock before starting at 1am. that would be some serious late night snacking and doing absolutely nothing time. hell for that many hours i'd start scrapbooking.

4) if you've ever ordered something from qvc, we may have unofficially met. also, if you've ever ordered something from qvc, odds are you're one lame cookie. i used to work there and it was unbelievably boring. they sell the lamest stuff imaginable, all the callers wanted to be on the air with the hosts so they could tell them how much they loved the lame ass pink and purple outfit they ordered.

5) i love tattoos and will be adding more to me in april.(i know that sounds weird but i like how it sounds)

6) ive ingested spam less than 1 time in my life. i saw a slab of it at the grocery store, or should i say, IT saw me because i swear that stuff is alive. out of curiosity, i read the directions on the can and they said: 1) eat spam 2) prepare a will 3) experience massive diarrhea 4) die

7) i get amused fairly easily (as if this blog wasnt clue enough). sometimes while letting our dog out to use the bathroom, i'll pull back the door but not the screen door and she'll run into it. thats hilarious to me. i used to do it to my little brother but mom made me stop.

8) having said that, i also get annoyed just as easily. i find capri pants and flip flops completely, ridiculously, insanely, and....completely annoying. on men that is. i dont even even know exactly know what the deal is with flip flops but its a major issue in my life. maybe its the fork on a chalkboard annoying sound they make. and when they're paired with jeans, i could remove my eyes on the spot to keep from seeing the silliness and be fine with it! the other day i was at the mall and the sales clerk was telling me about all the new items they had in and when he mentioned they had capris i was literally offended. put it this way, if a guy came into borders wearing capris and flip flops while yapping away on his phone, i'd swear i was in purgatory. if he was wearing clown make up and carrying a doll i'd be in hell.

--i guess the obvious next confession is--

9) i hate clowns and dolls. my kids always make fun of me because their dolls and me DO NOT get along and they think im afraid of them. to which i state that im not afraid, i just dont like em. they just in turn continue to laugh and make fun of me. i just say, 'well at least theres no monsters under my bed! and you know what, im the tooth fairy and santa claus!'.....i love my kids. i guess that pretty much seals the deal with me winning the 'dad of the year' award.

10) i had an egg roll and frosted flakes at 3am the other night and surprisingly it didnt agree with my stomach.

11) seeing people wear turtlenecks is like driving by a highway wreck. i just cannot stop staring and thinking, 'wow whats going on? i cant believe that just happened! this guy is really wearing a turtleneck.'

12) cooking shows are pretty cool. you can find a new recipe from the likes of rachel ray or martha stewart and i guess thats pretty cool. but what i find weird is how the audience applauds when they add the oregano or chop some chicken or do anything else to the food. what if people at home clapped when rachel added the seasoning to the cous cous. wouldnt that be weird?

...oh and the word 'delish' should be bleeped every time she says it.

and finally...

13)...alright. bear with me on this one okay.....(okay. here goes nothing)....

sometimes i wish i had one of those hellish mother-in-law relationships. i dont by any means and we actually have a great relationship. i mean how can you not have a great relationship with someone who makes such great desserts and meatballs? anyway, the only reason i wish i did have a bad relationship was so this conversation could take place on her birthday....

me- (sarcasticly spoken) heeey happy birthday. so how old are you now?

her- uhhh

me- oh nevermind. you dont look a day older than yoda. well maybe just one, but he's like what? a thousand now? oh well, open your gifts...starting with mine.

her- oh thanks, you shouldnt have

me- yeah well i actually tried, but your daughter made me

---awkward silence---

me- ...so open it already

her- (opens a large and odd shaped box) well?? what is it sammy? it looks like some sort of oven or something??

me- actually. its an UNconventional oven....it dont cook shit.

spanx and the clap

2010-03-24T13:23:00.008-04:00

as ive mentioned a few times, this really is me. well minus the body shaped like chewed gum, magenta coloring, and hat that magically stays put even though its not actually touching the scalp. at any given moment, 10 different things could be stomping about my head. whats really odd is that at any given moment, there could also be 0 things going through my head. but definitely im more inclined to be juggling 10 or 20 things and really the only people that know that are those closest to me. ie the wife, kids, pals, and the barista's at starbucks.

im still trying to figure that one out. i guess thats why blogging/writing is so appealing to me. it quite literally is a nice 'release'. my head reminds me of one of those huge auditorium classrooms. they're really loud, there are several conversations going on about god knows what and then...the teacher walks in to take the podium. all of a sudden there is a hush swarming the class. thats what writing is to me. when i write, i feel that hush that lasts only for the duration of the class or when im done writing. sometimes i can harness all that hustle and bustle and stay on at least one topic or two or three....

well today is not one of those days. so consider my brain scattered and unharnessable?? (judging by the red line under the word unharnessable, im assuming its not a word.)

so please take that into consideration when reading the next few blips. (really? 'blips' is a word but unharnessable isnt? whatever spell check)....

- first off, march 23 is a significant day for several people. the following people share the same berfday:
actress keri russel, chaka khan( is on my ipod), singer ric ocasek from 'the cars'(also on my ipod), perez hilton, and sir roger bannister, the first person to run a mile under 4 minutes, and this fellow....

which is me by the way. consequently, march 10 is my son's berfday. he shares this berfdayy with none other than chuck effing norris!!! considering ive been known to make up a chuck norris joke or two, i find this completely awesome.

- i usually camp out at the local borders bookstore to read, write, or arithmetic. they have free wi-fi, books, a turkey sausage omlette sandwich, and of course one of my favorite drinks. the mighty mango smoothie drink made by the people of 'naked'. it comes in two sizes and they have the smaller one which is hard to find. the only negatives ive found thus far are:

there is this one guy that is ALWAYS here. he's an odd fixture because he doesnt do anything. meaning most people here type, read, study, etc, but creep face just sits on one of the couches eating raisinettes and drinking a fanta. two of the more random brands around mind you and who the hell eats raisinettes anyway?? they look like huge hamster pellets and they're RAISINS! yuck. anyway creep face is always here doing nothing and its just weird. today he was actually sleeping. my mission is to soon sneak a pic so you guys can see this bookstore dweller.

this place doesnt have the biggest sitting area, which isnt a problem necessarily, except when the annoying cell phone talkers take the stage. this borders seems to be a breeding ground for these inconsiderate human beings. this one guy got on the phone talking to someone and all i heard was something about '...no this isnt important, i just wanted to try and touch base with her before i got there.' alright. first of all, if you have to use your phone, at least shut your face enough so the people around dont want to stone you. secondly, if it isnt important, please do not bless us with your phone call and go outside. or off a cliff, whatever is more convenient.

- i was reminded today of the memorable things kids say. i lived in florida for three years and all the locals thought my wife was hispanic and always defaulted to speaking spanish to her....well they did that to me too, but thats besides the point. one day at target, this lady comes up to my wife and says:

her--habla espanol?
wifey-- no. no habla espanol
her--(in broken english) oh , your kids. very beautiful
wifey-- oh thank you. i mean, gracias

my oldest daughter says kinda smart ass like:

smartypants-- uhh, what did you say to her??
wifey-- i said i didnt speak spanish
smartypants-- no you didnt. you said 'no habla something something'
wifey-- i know. i told her i didnt speak spanish in spanish.
smartypants-- (carefully mulling what she just heard)....uhhhh, but you spoke spanish? right?
wifey-- whatever smart ass

- one day i was singing in the car with all the kids in tow. my middle daughter says, 'dad, i wish god would have made your voice better.'.....thanks smart ass

- in the game paper, rock, scissors, how is that paper beats a rock?

- on the way to borders, i was reminded of a few things concerning my musical tastes (other than the fact i cant sing). i have a variety of artists on my ipod. while shuffling through looking for the right song, i went from lil wayne, to jay z, to kings of leon, to michael buble, to al green, to the drifters, and back to TI....it amazes me that michael buble is on my ipod and im not exactly sure why. maybe its because i think of bubbles every time his name scrolls across my dashboard and grown men shouldnt be thinking of bubbles unless they are in the front yard with their kids. also kings of leon is great, but 'sex is on fire' is an odd choice of title considering the relationship between 'sex' and 'fire'. oh well, i guess its better than their original name of the song 'your sex is like the clap'.

- you know how people use the word 'literally' all the time to describe something just completely outlandish? like 'this guy at borders is literally the most annoying bookstore dweller.' well most times they dont mean it, they just use it to get across how outlandish something or someone is......well forget all that when i say that 'howard the duck' is LITERALLY the worst movie ever. seriously, i dont know who wrote it, but how high was that guy?

-did you know that spanx is now made for men? all i gotta say is FINALLY!

- while going through airport security, instead of assigning men to men and women to women, you should be able to choose if you want a man or woman to rub you...i mean pat you down.

- have you seen those ups white board commercials? what is the deal with that guys hair? its shaped like a capital 'M' and he looks like he's straight off the set of shooting a movie based on camelot.

- and lastly, on the way here i saw one of those huge trucks carrying a house on the highway. you know the ones that have that captain obvious sign that reads 'WIDE LOAD'. i wondered if that sign was actually necessary. i mean it may just be me, but the fact that a HOUSE, is on the road, is sign enough. no? its not like before the creation of the sign people were just driving along then they all of a sudden jumped back in their seat screaming 'hey! what the hell! why didnt someone warn me!?!?'

...and now the silence is over and im back to the loudness.

so lora could have saved me some jail time...

2010-03-21T23:05:00.004-04:00

i love coming up with blog titles. especially the overly descriptive blog titles. ive been told on more than one occasion that i have an active imagination, which, by the way, i think is code for 'check out the looney tune'. my current crackberry messenger profile currently has the kiddie character 'mr scatterbrain' and the words 'from chaos comes life. order often brings about habit.' s a representation of me. sometimes i just want to come up with titles and not even actually write anything......thats it! that is my new plan. just come up with silly titles to get the reader excited, then confuse him/her when there is nothing to read. except an exceptional title that is.

having said that, stay tuned for next week's post title: friends. if you cant disclose to them, who else can you eat snow cones with?

wow, i apologize for most of the above nonsense. im typing this with very little sleep and very much booze in my system. which of course means im in vegas. (pics and stories to come later) and the only reason im still here is because i missed my flight due the aforementioned sleep and liquor combo.

anyway, ive always been under the impression that to best know someone, you go through their medicine cabinet, underwear drawer, or any other so called 'private area'. so naturally thats what i told the lady in the room next to mine when she came back to her suite and i was rifling through her shizz. i told the cops this while heading to the station, but they didnt seem all that interested. i simply wanted to know my neighbor better but apparently, this behavior is frowned upon. like masterdebating on an airplane. (easiest movie quote ever!)

anyway, 6 hours later my boys finally posted bail. 6 HOURS LATER!! yeah loose slots my ass. when i got back to my room, i showered off the shame and sat down with my laptop. as im going through my blog pals, i came across miss lora's latest entry that showed a new take on getting to know people which doesnt involve potential jail time....yet again. it does involve studying the person in question's handwriting though. so ive decided to give it a shot mainly because its getting harder and harder to explain to my kids why daddy keeps having to 'go away'.

ahem, pardon the tiny handwriting and without further ado:

The Rules:

write the following
1) Your name/blog name.
2) Right-handed, left-handed, or ambidextrous?
3) Favorite letters to write.
4) Least favorite letters to write.
5) Write “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.”
6) Write the following words in capital letters:
- CRAB
- HUMOR
- KALEIDOSCOPE
- PAJAMAS
- GAZILLION
7) Write your favorite song lyric.
8) Tag people!
9) Any special note or picture.

sorry for the picture not being all that clear. well you know what most of 1-9 says, but the other stuff is:
top left reads- the scene of the crime(s) referring to the aria hotel.

top right reads- the best flavor skittle and of course the skittle is grape.

bottom right reads- pizza grease with an arrow pointing to said pizza grease.

#7 reads- my only fear is i have none, but this could honestly be different tomorrow or in 10 mins.

#9 reads 'you are an amazing father' which is a text i just got from the wife.....

aw shucks

i typically think faster than i write/type so i always leave words out. its like my brain and hand arent on the same page. along with that, i dont really do a thorough job of proofreading things that i type/write so alot of times i'll come back to something ive wrote and be like, 'what the hell? you sound like a moron.' anyway, thought you'd like to know the list i wrote out is actually the second attempt at it. usually when i leave stuff out of written things, its basically only me reading, but this time i was sharing my writing with you all and it got too messy because i noticed i left out a few words and the scribbling was cluttering up the place. consequently, thats also the reason for the pizza stain.

the skittle is just because i was eating them in between bites of pizza.........yes you heard me correctly.

i told yall i was in vegas

bonkers

2010-03-12T11:50:00.004-05:00

ive been meaning to join one of those things in blogdom that are something like a club. they said i was too old to be a boy scout and had too much hate and dullness for the math club. i have joined the urbanity posse, which is a photo blog that is awesome, but i also wanted to find one that didnt involve a camera. i stumbled across the glamazon mormon mom's blog somehow and long story short, i now find myself being a confessor of the glamazon crew. how could you not follow a blog called 'the glamazon mormon mom'.? amazing title.

anyway, this is my first time trying my hand at this and im positive im not doing everything right, but here goes nothing...

1. capital letters? yeah i hardly use em. who has the time to press the shift key AND a letter key? it was either use the caps lock and SCREAM AT EVERYONE WHILST TYPING, or just forget capitals all together. they're so overrated.

2. the previous sentence marks the first time ive ever used the word 'whilst'. i dont even know if i used it correctly.

3. 33 years of age is fast approaching, but i honestly feel i was born in the wrong era. i have/am what many call an 'old soul.' i'd rather listen to al green or the mama's and the papa's than beyonce or 50 cent.

4. if there's one thing i like that could be considered lame, it'd be going to antique shops. (so lame)

5. my fly has been down alot lately. no i dont mean i have a depressed pet fly or something, i mean my zipper seems to be on the lower end of the zipper tracks. its cool though because i wear lucky brand jeans alot, so i retain some of my dignity.

6. i am a night owl (as evident in my last post). its like when nighttime hits i all of a sudden get a boost of energy and want to do stuff. the other night, after the kids passed out, i fell asleep on the couch in our bedroom around 10pm. i then woke up at 2am and started doing stuff till about 4am?? is that considered a nap? i typically use a turkey baster to apply visine to get all that red out.

7. there was a time in my life when i would go to bars and clubs and order madori sours. with a straight face. and no im not gay. speaking of visine, i think thats how bartenders administer the alcohol in madori sours.

8. i havent the slightest as to when to use all the different parentheses. anyone know the difference between ( ), { }, and [ ]? i guess i could google it and find out, but then i couldnt confess i didnt know what they mean.

9. im a bad american idol fan. i havent seen anything past hollywood week. i have them recorded, but havent caught up yet. it was on the other night and i caught bits and pieces while trying to NOT catch bits and pieces. theres one thing i know, well two if you count the fact that borrowing money from a pessimist is best because they never expect it back. anyway, kara digorno, wait thats that home made pizza stuff, well whatever her last name is....what was i saying again? oh thats right, the other thing i know. i know that kara d is putting the 'irritable' in 'irritable bowel syndrome.' she is just aggravating to watch speak and it has nothing to do with her face or appearance either. she's actually quite easy on the eyes. not hot mind you, just pleasant to look at. like chelsea handler. its like when she speaks she's just opening her mouth and letting whatever spew out without thinking about it. i dont know, its just...irritable.

10. i believe it is impossible to use the word 'marvelous' in a sentence without the person you're talking to looking at you oddly like you just used the word marvelous in a sentence. 'marvelous' is actually number 3 on the top 5 list of 'the most basic word list that has little to zero relevance in everyday communication.' its like the sense of shame on the set of jersey shore. for those of you wondering, its now number 3 because the word 'bizarre' moved up a spot. typing anything from this list is one thing, but actually speaking these words? now thats just silly.

11. i love betty white. im glad she'll finally get her shot at SNL SOON. i mean, if i was stranded on some remote island, or a bar, with megan fox and betty white and was faced with the decision to procreate with one, i'd choose miss fox. you know, for the good of humanity. but i would REEEAAALLLY have to think about it. and you know i mean it because i used excessive capital letters to say 'really'. and thats not solely based on the fact that miss white more than likely cant reproduce. its because she is simply amazing and awesome.

...and lastly

12. ive seen alice in wonderland twice already and my favorite two parts about the movie are pretty obscure, but thats how i roll. furthermore, i promise my favorite two parts wont give anything away if you havent seen it, but you will appreciate if you have. {1} (did i use the right parentheses to showcase the #1?) in the movie, anne hathaway plays the 'white queen' and the best thing she did in the movie, in my ridiculous opinion of course, was convey such a believable gag. thats right, a gag. there were a few times in the movie where her role called for her to gag and i seriously could not stop laughing. i find it hilarious when people gag in real life, for whatever reason, so when she did it in such a believable manner i laughed a little too much........**tangent alert**......gag? what an ugly word. is it just me or does the word 'gagging' contain a disgusting amount of 'g's'? i mean the letter g is about 2/7th's of the word (i told you i was bad at math). what about when people say something or someone makes them want to gag? what an awful thing to say when taken literally. can you imagine what that would do to someone's psyche if they walked by someone and they started gagging?! holy hell what a downer!.....**tangent over**

the other thing i liked best about the movie was a conversation between alice and her dad. in the scene, she's trying to go back to sleep after telling her dad about the nightmare she's just had. while laying there, she asks her dad if she's crazy because of these crazy dreams. he strokes her forehead and says that she is in fact crazy. she's bonkers. he then tells her not to worry because all the best people are. i found his response so simple yet so profound and thats how i want my life to be, profoundly simple.

midnite surfing in the english channel and snacks

2010-03-10T02:53:00.005-05:00

wait. what does that title read? damn. its supposed to say, 'channel surfing and midnite snacks'. i do apologize, damn lis-dexia. its late and im up late channel surfing. if you think about it, the only reason people channel surf is because everything sux just enough to actually keep you awake and take notice of it. especially the commercials. i always find myself being over critical of all the products being sold or basically whatever i see. although i must say, i saw a commercial for the movie 'alice in wonderland', which ive actually seen twice already, and to my surprise, it was a damn good movie. one of the best ive seen in a while. although, going in i didnt have much hope for it. i was just going to be a good dad and accompany my kids, eat some candy and just take the 'L.' i swore i was going to leave there saying the same thing i did after my first failed encounter with a girl and her bra, 'what the f*ck??'.

whatever happened to the lone ranger? know what i never understood about the LONE ranger? that he had a side kick. yeah, the LONE ranger had a side kick?? would you agree that that is both confusing and misleading? i mean at first we're all like, 'hey check out this new badass! he's so badass, he rides and fights alone!...wait what? you have a side kick?...you have a side kick and his name is tonto??'...confusing right? i mean calling yourself the LONE ranger implies that you do things alone. you're a rebel of sorts. that'd be like my brother and i being the comprising members of a band called 'the triplets'. remember his signature signing off quote? 'hi yo silver! away!'(or something to that effect)....yeah more like 'hi yo silver, and tonto, and james, and charles, and paulie, AWAY!' (to get more help that is).

when will snickers stop galavanting around like its some kind of nutritional bar? on the side of the wrapper, the nutritional facts actually say: peanuts, chocolate, and blubber yet all the commercials continue to show it like its a good choice of snack to get one from lunch to dinner or something. speaking of candy bars, who the hell does the marketing for that candy bar 100 grand?? ive never seen a commercial. never seen anyone eating one except during halloween and even then they are only the fun size sort. you know what, even when a store happens to carry them in the 'impulse aisle' by the registers, there's hardly ever a bar missing from the box.

speaking of blubber, did you know mcdonalds has a burger wrap?? i purposely ended that question with two question marks because i wanted to seem extra emphatic about wanting to know why they have......a burger.....in a wrap??

does the pseudo chocolate drink 'yoo-hoo' still exist? well other than in sodom and gomorrah i mean. that was/is the most watery tasting, fake chocolate drink ever. if you've never tasted this mess of drink, i think ive got a pretty good comparison for you. you know how if you were to put ice into a glass of REAL chocolate milk and chug it down and loudly belch, there would still be traces of the chocolate milk in the glass and around the ice? well all the makers of yoo hoo did was let that ice melt and bottle it. i googled it and you know where you can actually buy yoo-hoo? at the office depot. if that, and the fact that its called 'chocolate drink' and not 'chocolate milk' doesnt offend you, then i dont know what will.

i guess all these damn food commercials is what leads to all the crazy snacking i do at insane hours. i mean, grilled cheese and eggs doesnt sound overly enticing or anything during the day, but after dark its like my kitchen becomes some trendy italian delicatessen and this is my specialty. maybe i'll match it with a glass of midnight champagne. how classy would that be?! i make the worst food choices while up this late too. (i guess ANY choice is a bad choice at this hour). then again, having grilled cheese and eggs isnt all that bad because there are worse things out there. i am quite positive the 8lb bag of cheetos was ALL bad. you ever notice how quiet the house is when your up raiding the pantry, refrigerator and everything edible and how much louder EVERY normal activity is? really. when i opened the bag of cheetos it sounded like they were wrapped in cymbals as i clanged about my cupboard.

anyway, its late and now that ive finished raising my cholesterol levels, its now time to lay my weary body down. although im still upset about the whole lone ranger thing and him being a fraud. the lone ranger. yeah more like 'the tandem ranger'. sheesh, just when you think you can count on somebody.

green sand

2010-03-07T13:27:00.003-05:00

i was boarding a plane the other day and when i checked in i realized i had the devils seat...wait, i mean the middle seat. being put in that seat is like contracting the SARS virus. well when it was the popular virus that is. do people still get that? i always feel like the grim reaper as i head towards my seat and the people look at me, but try hard NOT to look at me as if not making eye contact increases their chances of keeping the middle seat open. you know, like in your 5th grade math class when the teacher was randomly selecting students like lotto balls to call on. (haha lotto balls. really?) as i navigate my way through the aisle, i feel like i should come with candy and party favors or do a song and dance to appease the two unfortunate souls on either side of me. the only people who choose that seat are those with a 'significant other', those with a child, or those unfortunate folks that dont understand personal space and the invasion of it. no one chooses to acquire the SARS and no one chooses the middle seat.

i typically have the WORST seat mates. my only explanation for this is that i must have been an ant in a former life and used to royally screw up picnics. i really dont get it. i know i have broad shoulders (haha broad shoulders), but thats gotta be easier to deal with than reeking of curry chicken and yoda. having said that, this flight was pretty mild in comparison to previous flights. the guy to my left didnt have any noticeable pungent odors but he was a character. he looked as if he rode his mountain bike to the airport and actually checked it onboard. he also looked like he wore khaki's entirely too much and even frequented khaki conventions. im sure he has at least 4 pairs of 'brooks' shoes, a collection of jean jackets, and he of course has trail mix on him at all times. and maybe most annoyingly of all, he refers to 'beanies' as 'taboggans'. the guy to my right also didnt have any offensive emanating odors, but his hair looked like it should have. it was THE oiliest mop i had ever seen. it was like his last name was 'of olay'. i dont know much about that kind of hair, but this is what i deduced: he either hadnt washed it since the SARS outbreak was a major concern or in a drunken bout at joe's crab shack , he was dared to rub 10 oyster boogers through his hair. he won. but by winning he also kinda lost ya know.

anyway, i picked up a copy of 'esquire' magazine, a coffee, and a pack of 5 chewing gum to complement my ipod and a nap when i got onboard. (trust me, when it comes to planes, the coffee has no effect on my desire to nap. none whatsoever) have you ever tried it? the gum? i really dont know how its possible to mess up chewing gum. i had their version of the green spearmint and i swear it was like chewing green sand. really, how can chewing gum be messed up? dont they pretty much all taste the same? the only difference is the ridiculous flavor names like, 'crystal sex' or 'colossal river rain.' staying with this theme, i'd say they'd be better off selecting 'sandy angst' as their new name. no? anyway, i dont know how it is these folks continue to sell product. i guess its because the paper is shiny. i know it is not for the flavor of the dehydrated cucumber slices or their name. i mean 5?! 5 is the name of your product? everyone knows that to be taken seriously as a gum manufacturer you have to have at least two syllables in your title. if they were so insistent on using the number 5, maybe they should have opted for 'fiver' or '555'. just saying 5 is too abrupt and hardly complements the already horrid product. please, i'll just keep the coffee breath.

esquire magazine is one of my favorite magazines. i dont read magazines regularly (shit thats a hard word to annunciate) but from what i can tell, alot of celebrities feel entitled to at least two things: crappy fashion and the ability to name their kids whatever they want. i guess any one can name their kid whatever they want, but only celebrities name their kids things like: obsession, toronto, epiphany or the twin boys 'exit wound' and 'exit strategy'.

i could only muster the strength to flip through a few pages before corinne bailey rae and the planes whir made my eyes heavy. i submit, close my eyes and try to sleep between the over zealous hiker and the under conditioned hair. just a few minutes into my rest, 50 cents song 'baby by me' makes it way through my headphones. i immediately arise and change it to a playlist containing mellow r&b songs i had already made. i love r&b music. when you think about it is basically country music except it doesnt suck. anyway, there are 5 music listeners in my house and 3 are under 10, so the only two who could have introduced the song to our itunes library was my wife or me. i know it wasnt me because that song is a dreadful mess. if you havent been blessed by it before, the song contains this line in it, 'have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire.' not only is this line in the song, it is soaked with it. thats the entire chorus and in my brain, the damn thing is like cotton candy on my fingers...hard to get rid of.

as i sit in my chair of death with the worst music lyrics pretty much mall walking through my head and green sand grit still on my tongue, i am officially in a foul mood. if i had one of those nickel mood rings on, it would be whatever color is associated with a sullen mood....hey heres a thought. what if 'mood rings' were called 'moody rings' and all they did was look back at you and say things a moody or annoyed ring would say. things like 'move over bitch. stop crowding me!'. that would be hilarious and would sooo come in handy right now. i would point my ring at each of my seat mates and i imagine she would say things like, 'ugh, move over already! theres granola everywhere! and please stop saying toboggan. it sounds absurd.' or 'if you drip one more oyster booger on my tray table, the gentleman who's index finger im on, will use me to sock you in your face!'.

i hate flying. although rumor has it, the oil from this guys hair was 75% of the serum used to knockout the SARS.

im truly honored! i mean, how awesome is that...

(i wonder what color my ring would use to show a sarcastic mood.)

updated bacon and fun bags

2010-03-02T16:37:00.005-05:00

two quick things i found and determined one to be frickin hilarious and the other to be the most awesome thing ever!!

i'll let you decide which is which:

this is an update from my previous post.
(if you havent seen it just scroll down because im not about to add a link for your lazy ass when its just down on the screen.)

i dont judge at all, but are those a womans hand using the controller? i only say so because of the dainty watch

excuse me ma'am, but you have the swine flu on your chest

2010-02-26T20:46:00.003-05:00

okay i like bacon just as much as the next guy. well provided this 'next guy' isnt kevin federline.(have you seen that guy lately?)
i like bacon. i do not love bacon. the makers of these products i guess not only love bacon, but apparently want to buy it lingerie and dry hump it.

from what i can tell, these are all actual products. (im still holding out hope that the bra was just some bacon fiend being foolishly erotic and that it wasnt an actual product.)

how does a man or woman even approach their significant other about using this product? you'd probably be better off asking to bring a third person into your bedroom than getting your lover to slather their privates in bacon grease.

can you imagine the hangover you'd get after getting faded on this crap. i believe the bottle also comes with a thorough ass kicking.

nothing attracts girls more than having 'cracker barrel' breath.

haha this is just hilarious

wow. im either speechless or the vomit is working its way up my esophagus!...again

fish and chips mate

2010-02-25T19:49:00.011-05:00

well im back and kinda resting from our trip to london. overall, the trip was great. im going to get the only negatives out the way. and those were: crappy weather and some lady pretending to be a beggar...i'll explain in a few. as i stated the trip was alot of fun. last year we got off to a funny but odd start. whenever we visit the UK, we rent a flat for the week as it suits the kids and we have room for our niece to sleep over as well, plus its reasonably priced. the bestest thing about the flat is they send a car out to get you from the airport which saved us the embarrassment we endured 2 years ago when we got on the wrong train. we took the train that was more like the train people would take to go to the store, movies, etc...not carrying a shitload of luggage and thus taking up all the room. 'bloody americans' they must have thought. the funny yet odd part was when we got a message informing us of the 'carrier', or minivan as we would call it, that would be picking us up on time. please read in your best british accent. this is the message as we heard it...

'mr and mrs morris, there will be a black people carrier out front to get you and your belongings.'

the first thing that went through my head was 'what kind of racist shit is that?!' i quickly realized she was basically saying the the carrier of people would be out front and it would be black. we then got a pretty good laugh out of that.

but back to this trip. first off, the weather was cold, gloomy, depressing, annoying, and rainy. we were more annoyed than an owl with pink eye. even when the sun made two brief appearances, i swear it was colder those days. maybe most annoying of all was while walking around town in the rain, the dye from my jeans stained my white socks and white shoes in that light blue denim color that is an okay color for lucky brand jeans but not for white tennis shoes or socks. (sorry for that long ass sentence. wow) plus i hate walking. well actually i hate walking that much in that annoying mist of a rain for long periods. i mean, i dont walk. im an american. i use that moving sidewalk at all times in any airport that has them. if they dont have them, there's a 50-50 chance i wont make my connection.

so, on to the faker lady. i would classify myself as a giving person. meaning i like to give/help when i can. when it comes to people i come across on the streets, i dont get into that whole internal debate about 'i wonder if this guy is going to use this money for a beer, maxim magazine, pork rinds, etc' or whatever else habit people dont want to support. although there was the time in san francisco where a guy told me he would verbally abuse his wife for a dollar. i thought that was over the top. anyway, as i was saying, i like verbal abuse...no wait, i like to give/help people. BUT...my desire to give actually has limits. it has to. if there is no limit, i myself would be in need of asking for a couple bucks. i love how the bible says it, 'our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality.' so not always saying yes to every request is necessary and wise. okay got it? i like to give/help but not in ALL cases. so, the family and i were navigating the london streets and had just walked out starbucks and were trying to decide if we were going to take a double decker or a cab when this lady comes up from behind and says 'excuse sir, could i have some money for something to eat?' first off, i had some trouble deciphering what she was saying simply because of her accent. it reminded of hieroglyphics being verbalized. i cant even begin to tell you what it was. also, its been said many times before 'do not judge a book by its cover' and i for the most part believe that to be accurate. but that adage was a pile of shit in regards to this case. she looked like she was in good shape and was well kept. she didnt smell like bologna and her clothes were pretty nice looking so i processed this all along with the odd feeling swimming in my gut. which mind you, trumps everything. i looked at her from behind my glasses and said 'excuse me.'...

her- can i have some money for something to eat (as she motioned to the burger king while asking still managing to confuse me)

me- uhh (remember my gut is telling me no) yeah hold on

--i reach into my back pocket and grab 3 pounds(just under $6 US dollars) then hand it to her

her- umm, this isnt enough

--i cant even explain to you the dismay i felt. it was more so from the way she held the money between her fingers. what i gave her was 2 coins equalling 3 pounds and she held them between her fingers like she was holding a picture or a negative up to the light.

me- excuse me?! ( im now pissed. im madder than a horse with a UTI (urinary tract infection). i leaned in closer hoping i had misunderstood what she was saying)

her- well this isnt enough. the meals cost at least 6 pounds

me- well make it enough

again i cannot explain the degree to which i felt spit on. its like she would have done better by taking the money, kicking me in the balls, then running off, screaming 'stupid american' in her difficult dialect. i dont even remember how our conversation ended but she was soon asking my wife for money. she gave her some, then complemented her for being pretty (which is true but a total suck up comment). this lady soon was asking us to take her into the store next door and buy her some 'nappies' aka diapers. we had large bills on us but as i said, the alarm in my belly had went off and i wasnt going to drop another cent in any currency on this faker. not only was she being intrusive, she turned down a gift and if one is truly in need AND asking for help, saying no isnt applicable. im glad i didnt actually have to see this girl again because i was really bothered for the next hour by the atrociousness of it all. stuff like that really gets to me and it didnt even matter that i didnt know the lady.

anyway, enough about crappy weather and crappy people, the trip was fun as hell. i dont get to see my sister and her family all that often(well maybe once a year to be exact) and its good for our kids to keep in contact and hang out with each other. wow the magic of email. i couldnt imagine navigating my way around the net when i was 8, 9, or 10 (the ages of my daughters and niece)

here are some of the highlights of our trip. sorry to inundate you with photos but this is actually cutting it short. meaning i have tons i want to post but i'll probably just have to make a post in a few days of just photos. but for now...

a memorial dedicated to prince albert. the gloom and doom of the day made the gold of the statue really sparkle.

in hyde park. this place was huge and i got tired walking the thing while several others ran or rode their bikes around.

everyone at the IMAX. they said i couldnt take pictures here. im usually a 'law abiding citizen' but when it comes to people telling i cant do something as ridiculous as this, i simply cant help myself. i pretty much took the pic because they said i couldnt.

there ended up being about 75 pigeons gathered for bread from my kids.i

hyde park again

me and the boy

my son impersonating one of those pestering loud cell phone talkers

my middle daughter blowing out her berfday cake

my oldest pumping iron

i thought this one was the funniest

the station we relied on to get around. my sister first told me the train system was crazy and she likened it to a bowl of shi...wait thats what i likened it to. she said it was like a bowl of spaghetti noodles ; )

kiera representing my oxford beanie

me and my niece

i was walking down the street and saw what appeared to be a bible open out in the rain.

in hyde park again.

the train as it dropped us off in oxford

me and the boy. he chose these glasses because i had a pair similar. we barely used them though.

fish and chips are only good in england

this was my second favorite shot of the trip. i tried like hell to get this pic the way i wanted it, but between the rain, the bus schedule, and some lady strolling her baby in my way, it took three different days to get it done.

my 1st cousin josiah

i really like this shot as well.

we were in this store, well my wife and sister were in this store and i was just trying stay entertained. jadyn put this wig on and i felt compelled to take this pic.

my son, aka rod stewart, decided he'd get in on the fun as well. the people of the store said i couldnt take pictures in the store and, well, you know what im about to say.

my girls giggling as always and my son pestering as always

my sis and me. this was our last night in town and i was dead tired. for some reason i didnt adjust to the time change, i started out fine then progressively got worse. i told my wife i look/felt like frankenstein.

my beautiful sister and wife after dinner

this was my favorite shot of the trip. for whatever reason, im always able to get great shots of jadyn. i get good ones of kiera as well and hardly any of the boy, but i always get good ones of this cutie.

okay so not always per se. haha. i was like jadyn what in the world are you doing? she replied, 'just taking a picture dad. sheesh relax already.'...she gets the smartass-ness from her mother. thats my nephew on the right. it was actually the first time i had met him. he's cool as hell and my son kept asking if he was coming back to our house. they played catch with all his stuffed animals and sammy of course took to him immediately.

randomness on my desktop

2010-02-10T00:06:00.004-05:00

on my desktop i have tons of crud all over the place. some of it actually has a purpose, and some of it has no point but to take up space and make me or wife say 'hey?? what the hell?'.

anyway, here are five things on my desktop that need to be placed in the trash immediately.

remember recently when facebook did that thing where all the facebookians had to post a pic of a celebrity they look alike? did you participate as well?

i didnt. not that im a party pooper, i just dont have a facebook and dont want one. anyway, this is who my wife posted as her look alike. i can see why people would say it looks like her (green eyes,light skin, the hair etc) but i dont see it as much as everyone else. not that miss lewis is unfortunate looking or anything, i just dont see it like everyone else does. whaddya think?

i love my blackberry. i really like the instant messaging capabilities and i have fun with the profile pic and quote they allow you to show all your contacts. at the moment my wife uses this as her profile pic on the blackberry messenger and as soon as i saw it i was like, 'damn thats a sweet pic! who is that?'i didnt even recognize it as heidi klum. even now that i know who it is, i still cant see it. anyway, wow i love this shot

my wife has heidi klum for her profile pic and i have this guy. fitting i know. the quote i had before this picture read: 'my only fear is i have none'

my quote, along with this picture, now reads: 'my only fear is this hairstyle'

a few years ago, my wife and i went to a halloween party and this is what we decided to show up as.......young and old michael jackson. i couldnt locate the red zippered jacket so i had to improvise a bit.

i dont care who you are, this is hilarious!

i have no clue why this is up here. my wife likes all these silly type of shirts, as do i, but i dont think she actually owns the thing. either way, i may leave this up here just because its funny as hell. i mean whats up the crazy eyes??

london bloke

2010-02-07T22:32:00.005-05:00

this thursday the fam i are heading out to london for the third straight year. i was actually born in oxford because my dad was in the military. the first time we went it was just my wife and i as part of her christmas gift. we made the trek to spend time with my sister and her family, along with my uncle. i also got alicia keys tickets as she was performing at the oddly shaped o2 dome. all in all, i wish we had stayed longer though because we basically took the whole first day just getting adjusted, which translated means, we sat around the room eating, drinking, and i tried to school the wife on english comedy.

we've already got our train tickets headed to oxford, which happens to be my birthplace. this will be the first time ive been back since i stepped on the scene 32 long years ago. im excited about just going there, but im also looking forward to going around snapping pics. there is something magical about a castle that blows my citified mind away. it just seems so unreal or fairy tale like to me. its like going somewhere and finding a unicorn or being able to visit the place where robin hood setup camp.

last year the entire family went. yes all 5 of us. i didnt know how our kids would do being confined for so long but they actually did very well and we were thankful the boy didnt get up and sprint through the aisles or flick a booger on some passerby. the kids all had disposable cameras to take pictures of whatever they wanted. although at first they were taking pictures of things like a fire hydrant, their beds, bars of soap, the pillows, etc. after unsuccessfully trying to get them to be more frugal in their picture choices, we just let them have at it as they desired.

speaking of pictures here some from the last two trips:

why are double deckers so cool?

spent entirely too much time here

how can this place NOT be the shizznit

im guessing this doesnt help the british escape the bad teeth thing. i mean flossing with cotton candy??

the london eye. a sweet way to view the city

out front buckingham palace

my wife, me, the rasta(my uncle), and my sister

my sister, me, and my uncle

in one of the london eye carriers

these things are awesome!...and i dont mean because the inside of most of these rival the vegas streets with all the ads for porn, sex chat lines, etc.

reminiscent chats

2010-02-04T17:09:00.006-05:00

the other night my brother and i were up late chit chatting. he was in town with his lovely wife and child to be. i was eating leftover chinese food and he had a(some) beer(s). we were sitting in the kitchen talking and grubbing. to clarify, we were in the kitchen sitting on floor. the cold, uncomfortable, tile-y floor. whenever we get the chance to shit the shoot as we were, we end up talking about our old neighborhood and the cast of characters that lived there. these other brothers up the street would challenge my brother and me in basketball and they always got their butts handed to them! we actually knew a kid up the street named 'bent'. another kids mom had eternal camel toe. we didnt call it that because we hadnt been introduced to the term, but we did see her constantly picking at her crotch and wondered what the hell was up with that. we talked about all the backyards or streets we played football, baseball, smear the queer, or even a game that was basically kickball with a baseball bat. the summers were especially fun as hell for me and my brother though. when our folks went to work we would sleep in, eat whatever and whenever we wanted, and play hogans alley on nintendo. i would often mix cake batter as if i was going to make a cake, but just eat the batter over a period of about 3 days or until i needed to barf. those crinkly fries were also a favorite. i think its because it would make me wonder just what is a 'crinkly'? for whatever reason it sounded like some random town in west virginia or oklahoma, but i digress. we also used to play this quasi baseball game in the living room where the bat was one our couch cushions and the ball was a sock wound tightly. our living room wasnt big at all, but we managed to play the game despite the close quarters. that even included running the bases.

when we werent playing cramped up baseball or getting high on cake batter, we were watching the idiot box. does anyone remember the jukebox network? we watched that channel ALL DAY and would see the same videos over and over. that channel and the price is right pretty much ruled our mornings. thats basically the reason i like metallicas song 'one' to this day. i swear that video would play damn near every 15 minutes. it was like a routine of sorts. eat the cake batter, watch metallica's video, barf from the cake batter, watch bob barker seduce the show girls then repeat. i would go to bed excited because i knew i was going to wake up and watch the show girls... i mean the price is right. i used to love that show! as a young lad and not yet grasping the concept of money, i would watch the show and see these people winning an amount like $6500 and think 'wow, these people are rich now! wow, thanks to plinko, these people are set for life!'. yeah not so much. either way that show was great. i actually saw it the other day and it was kinda cool and kinda classic, but just not the same. for starters, its like all the show girls were 'too hot'. i know that may sound off some, but im just used to the barker beauties. you know what i mean, they were hot but not in the way the girls are now. the girls now look like they come directly from a maxim photoshoot each morning, while the barker babes were like your moms hot co-worker or your 3rd grade english teacher. im not at all saying the maxim like thing is bad, but just not for the price is right. and what about drew carey?? how un-funny is that guy?! he absolutely is not right for that show. there is no way i can see him in 20 years still doing that show. he just looks awkward to me. you know those people that dont make a solitary sound when they sneeze and that hilarious face they make? well he looks like he's just about to make that face whenever he talks. one simply cannot make that face and introduce the game with that yodeling guy........

for the record that yodeling guy game was absolutely annoying!

chuck norris will kick you in the face

2010-02-01T22:08:00.003-05:00

i hope everyone is familiar with the chuck norris facts book and how effin hilarious they are! i got a new book the other day from urban outfitters that includes mr. t jokes as well. twice the awesomeness in one stop. kinda like doublemint gum or a bra.

anyway, im posting a few good ones i found in the book mixed in with some of my own. can you tell which is which??

first off my wife found a picture of chuck norris' toilet paper. imagine a 20 wiper with this!! ouch...well unless your chuck norris

1. when life handed chuck norris lemons he made chocolate pudding.

2. chuck norris can play the violin with a piano.

3. jesus can walk on water but chuck norris can swim through land.

4. the only fight chuck norris lost was his fight to keep from kicking your ass.

5. an average adults intestine produce about half a liter of flatulent gas per day. chuck norris' intestines produce 4 feature length films every year, all written and directed by his spleen.

6. the real reason pluto is no longer a planet is because chuck norris thought it sounded too similar to chuck norris.

7. there are no buttons on chuck norris' washer. he just puts his clothes in and they just know what to do.

8. chuck norris can build a snowman out of rain.

9. chuck norris and mr t were going through airport security. mr t's chains were going thru the x-ray machine the exact time chuck norris' beard was going through the metal detector. at that exact moment 'the force' and superman were created.

10. mr t is no longer a noun; its a verb.

for 2 reasons

2010-01-28T00:59:00.002-05:00

i have two objectives in mind with this post:

1) first is to inform you guys and gals that i have joined a cult and have started another blog. the cult im speaking of is called 'oh, the urbanity' which was created by miss lora over at fever. if you dont know by know...well...you just should. my blog is titled none other than, peanut butter plus jelly. as a member of the cult, you must post pictures from in and around your respective hometown. feel free to mosey on over and click to follow that page as well if you like. lemme know what you think.

2) THAT site wont have any random barbs about the staleness of ramen noodles or any other nonsense i can think of. those nuggets of foolishness are strictly relegated to THIS site. having said that, i was able to slip in one jab worthy of this pages tastes. in the profile section, you have the option to be asked a random question, and your answer to said question, posted there in your profile. they are all silly and random questions designed to add some humor or fun to your page. i was given the question 'create a tagline for a new line of plastic bedsheets'. first off, i gotta add that that ISNT EVEN A QUESTION, secondly heres exactly what i came up with for my profile to say.

well...you asked for it!... 'whether you urinate, perspirate, or ahem, replicate on them, we bet you cant stain or muck em up! guaranteed or your money and fluids back!

no joke

2010-01-27T01:05:00.005-05:00

while perusing the internet i somehow stumbled across these ACTUAL childrens book titles. i found them both horrific and hilarious.

well...alot more horrific than hilarious though.

out of all of these titles, dr. heinrich hoffmann's is the weirdest. i translated everything written on the platform thing for you. it reads 'i wear my green spandex outside my shoes but who cares, my hands look like rakes and my torso just looks odd. not to mention my hair is 3 feet high and 6 feet in diameter'.

i dont know why my kids have complaints of nightmares all the time.

hopefully your kids wont have the same complaints when you undoubtedly go and seek out these sweet books

bloody marys

2010-01-25T20:08:00.004-05:00

viva las vegas

i love that damn town, but 3 days is about the max i can do out there. the past trip was a short one, but alot of fun. we were there for one day and it was a last minute trip. or should i say, 'rockstar trip' as its known among our circle. we call it that because we go for one day and usually dont even get a room. that was the plan this time but while there i got a hook up on a room so we stayed there all of 37 seconds. i timed it.

we had fun, drank, gambled, drank, drank, drank, and gambled. we did damn good on the tables and like i always say, it aint gambling when you win. i swear i said that before i heard it in the hangover. during one of our gambling breaks at 2am, we decided we would set out to find something to eat. my whole body is so jacked up from inordinate amounts of the opposite of sleeping, eating at various times of the day/night, drinking vodka and cranberry/redbull, occasional late and early coffee, and of course the very random bloody mary's i drank?? vegas is the only place i drink those bloody(hehe get it) things. anyway, while in the restaurant, we were sitting around drinking, eating, and talking when behind me i heard a splash on the ground like someone had spilled a large glass of liquid. i used to work in food service ages ago and whenever i heard 'that sound' i would always think 'damn that sux! someone has a bad spill on their hands.' so naturally that was my initial thought when i heard the all too familiar sound. as i turned to see the misfortune some waiter was going to have to clean, i quickly saw that it wasnt just a water, coke, or bloody mary. i turned to see some lady sitting at a table by herself throwing up. she would just sit there, lean over to throw up, resume eating, lean over again to barf, take a few more bites, then resume showing us all what she had eaten over the last 6 weeks. i think she had a bloody mary because her spew had a reddish tint. then again it could have very well been the lining of one of her organs because she was heaving quite ferociously. she must have been REALLY messed up because she heaved at least 6 times. oh and she kept eating after each bite. guess the must have been that good especially the second time around. vegas is by far THE BEST place to see some crazy shit happen right before your very eyes.

when the gambling was over and we had to get to the airport, the craziness was about to continue for me. i had a red eye out of vegas leaving at 820 and a connection in LAX. the flight from vegas to LA was thankfully short because i was apparently sitting next to a wildebeest posing as a person. oh my god, this dude had a pungent odor emanating from his skin AND clothes. i felt like i was going to end up like the restaurant barfing lady it was so bad and odoriferous. i was in the aisle seat and wolfman was in the middle. not only did he remind me of a dirty diaper that somehow fell behind the changing table and now 6 weeks have gone by and i decided to open it up for shits and giggles, but this dude snored soooo loud! i mean it didnt even sound real. i wanted to be like, 'okay guy. good one. you've got our whole section of the plane laughing at your faux snoring now wake up because its getting kind of annoying...plus you smell like a petsmart.' but for the rest of that thankfully short flight, gangrene man snored like he was in a 3 month hibernation. i guess if was to look on the bright side i could say that ive always wondered what i would smell like if i: worked in the yard for 2 hours at the hottest time of the day mainly handling fertilizer and mulch, left my tshirt buried in the mulch over night to 'marinate', put the shirt back on the following morning to wear to the gym, then went directly to play basketball for 2 hours, then went for a jog directly to the hospital where i helped deliver twin boys. oh and i forgot to put on deodorant...what? havent you wondered that as well?

new york city

2010-01-20T14:33:00.003-05:00

first off, i cant say 'new york city' w/o saying it like that old hot sauce commercial when one of the cowboys exclaims 'this stuff was made in...new york city!?!?'. as if to say that one of the most culturally diverse places in the world couldnt whip up a great hot sauce. but i digress.

hehe anyways, i was in new york city over the past weekend with the wife and kids in tow. we drove up with another couple and their kids and while there i realized at least two things:

1- i could not would not, live in new york. or new jersey for that matter but thats for totally different reasons. i couldnt live in new york because i simply cannot walk that much, the parking is ridiculous, and im not a jerk driver. i would not live in jersey because thats where jersey shore is based and i dont want any affiliations with that show or its cast.

2- i like taking pictures and if i could go to any five cities to mosey around snap at will i'd choose: new orleans, philly, chicago, somewhere out west and random like cheyenne, wyoming, and after the weekend i have to add new york to the list.

i did take some pictures but its hard to go off and get the right shots while keeping the kids safe from the locals stampeding about madison ave and new york cabbies.

we all made our way to the minskoff theatre to see the expensive...ahem i mean, exemplary play 'the lion king'. i knew my girls would dig it, but i was moderately worried my son would burp or pass gas at 'just the wrong time'. not that there is any good time for your child to break wind in public, but i just knew he would do it just as mufasa was dying or during some other sentimental moment like that.

but surprisingly he did well with it all. the only time he got restless was just before intermission but hell i was restless and ready for more wine. there was a bar in the lobby but to drink alcohol you had to drink it in the lobby or do as my wife and i did...drink it from one of the sippy cups they sold the kiddie drinks in. nothing says classy like drinking a nice merlot through a bendy straw.

before we got into the theatre, we were sitting down in the lobby eating candy and drinking wine when i noticed a guy in the corner doing push ups. he was in slacks and a button down so i figured he was part of the show and was trying to 'pump up'. when we took our seats, i saw this same fellow a few rows up sitting and ready for the start of the show. i thought, 'i guess he's going to get out during the middle as part of an audience participation type thing. kinda like they do in vegas shows.' well he sat there all the way to intermission. maybe he'll spring to action after that i thought. while out re-filling our sippy cups and taking my son to the bathroom to stretch his legs, we saw said guy in the same corner doing jumping jacks...yes jumping jacks. now i dont know what the hell to think. his brow was gaining sweat and he was still in his button down and slacks, but the likelihood of him being part of the show is, well, not likely. anyway, long story short, i guess he was some meathead guy who gets inspired by the lion king to pump up??

very weird.

pudding pops

2010-01-14T14:09:00.003-05:00

im 32 and 33 is just about around the corner. ive also been married for 11 of those 32 years. i dont why i felt that was a good precursor to what im about share, but i did so whatever.

the other night, my wife of 11 years and i were about 15 seconds into a hanky panky session. i was just about to 2nd base when my wife starts to chuckle a little. a bit perplexed, the following conversation took place...

well actually, what i was really wearing at the time may shed light on the matter...

me- are you kidding me? whats so funny?

her- i cant kiss you when your dressed like that

me- (looking down noticing what she's talking about) oh. are you serious??

her- (still laughing some) no no, its fine

me- uhhh okay??

--i go back in for another smooch only to be interrupted by more laughing. so now im getting frustrated

her- i cant make out with you like this. i feel like im making out with bill cosby!

me- its not even going to help now if i take the thing off will it?

her- hahaha i dont know?!?! its too funny now!

so now im beyond frustrated. im pretty mad. im madder than a centipede w/ restless leg syndrome or a giraffe with strep. my wife is sitting here laughing at me and my outfit and it wouldnt even help if i was to change now because she's already in that silly mood thanks to my fashion faux pas.

note to self, if you plan on doing the horizontal square dance with your woman, dont resemble mr huxtable or its off to the cold shower for you my friend. and on that same page, women you should avoid looking like one of the golden girls.

well maybe except blanche

while rummaging thru old pics...

2010-01-11T00:30:00.005-05:00

the other night i was going through the waaaay overdue process of loading all my pictures back into my computer. my computer crashed some time ago while driving drunk(hehe get it) and consequently i lost tons of music and photos. thankfully i keep all my disks handy and readily available to load back up in a jiffy. and by handy i mean scattered all over the place.

anyway, while waiting for each disk to finish loading, i saw pictures i forgot i had. pictures i wish i didnt have. and pictures that made me realize how fast my kids are growing. my kids are now 10, 8, and 6. the boy will be 7 in march and for some reason i like referring to him as 'the boy'.

**tangent alert**

you ever notice how the terms 'son' and 'daughter' arent interchangeable like other terms we use for family members?? hehe lemme explain ; )

while walking out of my son's room after putting him to bed, he always says 'goodnite dad. i love you'. when my wife walks out of the girls room, they both say 'goodnite mom. i love you'. so of course when we're walking out we say 'goodnite son. i love you too'. but while walking out of our girls rooms, we cant say, 'goodnite daughter??'.

**tangent over**(and that totally sounded like one of those 'deep thoughts, by jack handy' saturday nite live skits! please tell me you remember jack handy!

anyway, my point??...oh yeah, here are some good pics of the kids and other stuff i came across...

this is from london last year in one of those backwards riding taxi's...

christmas 2007

my rearview mirror on any typical day

at a museum in pittsburg a few years back with the kids looking very 'charlie's angel-ish'

in the backyard in texas a few years back. why is my son all ripped up??

my wife looking all hot and what not ; )

my baby girl!!!

i forgot all about this pic. it was taken the same day as my profile pic. for whatever reason, self portraits are weird but fun

i swear this girl should be modeling for the gap

i swear this boy should be locked up ; )

happy jelly...oh come on like you wouldnt take a picture if you opened jelly and it was smiling at you

stucco church buildings look creepy to me

i look in my rear view mirror and see what appears to be a cloudy wave about to engulf a mountain

the double decker bus in downtown dallas...hehe just kidding, its from iraq

well this one actually is from iraq.

this really is one of my favorite pics ever. i was there in feb '09 and this was in a blackhawk traveling from kuwait to iraq. thankfully he didnt have to shoot that thing but he did stay ready like that for a majority of the trip! amazing

our own thing

2009-12-23T23:03:00.009-05:00

one of things i love about family and christmas time is creating our own traditions and memories. i remember growing up and my brother and i would really get into decorating the christmas tree. i mean REALLY get into it. i mean we damn near over did it. so much so, that when we were teenagers and the 'feeling' had somewhat passed, we looked back at how we used to over decorate our tree and we actually likened to a hooker. we honestly had enough tinsel and mangled lights to make santa cuss.

one tradition we started is that out tree goes up dec. 1. ahem, well close to that anyway. when we decorate, our tree typically has all the decorations centralized at the bottom portion. this mainly is because our kids focus on this one area till we tell them to share the wealth. then we get tired of feeling 'bossy' so we let them do what they wish with the poor tree and then we rearrange after they've went to bed...well only somewhat because we also like the fact that all my son's decorations (ie cars, transformers, star wars etc) are sorta in one bunch. anyway, this is our tree as it stands now. actually there's tons of presents under there now, but this is how it looked within the first couple days of being put up...

kinda puny looking i know, but it does the trick and the kids have fun putting up all their stuff plus we have them make about 5 ornaments each out of laminated construction paper and a bunch of other add ons they choose from target. i also have my own ornaments i make sure go on there. again, you can completely see that this is NOT my parents tree. mainly because i have a pair of christmas dice on the tree. there's also some kinda nerdy stuff i like. i like star wars and have ornaments i chose myself.

these are some pics of the kids from a christmas party we went to the other night. of course my son cant take a 'regular' picture.

miss jadyn

miss kiera

mr sammy (actually wearing one of my ties)

all of them choosing their own tree to pose in front of

and last but not least, i SWEAR this is the actual christmas card we sent out to everyone. we almost paired this card with a 'normal' pic inside, but opted to stick with this doozie. so if you didnt get a card its probably bc i dont know you know you or because...ahem its in the mail ; )

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE MORRIS'!!!

up to speed

2009-12-16T20:37:00.005-05:00

i havent posted in quite some time so to catch yall up to speed and to post random rubbish...here goes nothing

we had a good thanksgiving. this year marked the second time my wife did the whole spread by herself. maybe not all that an amazing feat for all the martha stewarts out there, but my wife isnt exactly aunt jemima. i dont say that at all in a condescending manner either. i mean she can cook but just not all the exotic or extremely difficult type meals. again, i really dont trip or think less of her at all. i mean the kids like her and she's got a great bum, so i say thats 'even steven' ya know. anyway, the food was great and all 5 of us got stuffed. my kids and i ate a whole pecan pie in 2 days. at one point, in between one of my many food coma's, i started to wonder about thanksgiving and christmas dinners and why for some reason i find the tradition somewhat 'odd'. dont get me wrong i love to eat and the fellowship is great, but i started to wonder why cramming our faces and bellies is somehow the way to show 'thanks' and 'seasons greetings'? i dont know, maybe im rambling. after all, what doesnt say thankfulness and seasons greetings like merciless diarrhea and random naps??...

okay now i know im rambling...anyway, on to the random rubbish

1. two sayings i now find completely idiotic are: 'the customer is always right' and 'a mind is a terrible thing to waste.' the customer is right actually about a paltry 25% of the time and the latter is shattered by this gem...

this is its actual description:Your upper body is what makes you beautiful and appear to be fit or not. Yet, almost every home gym product in the last 25 years has only offered exercises targeting your abs, thighs and cardio vascular system. The SpringFlex changes everything!

Numerous repetitive stress injuries have been linked to sitting in front of a desk all day. Lower metabolism and increased weight gain have also been linked to a sedentary work day. But what if you could get a workout when you are just sitting at your desk?

Easily attach the SpringFlex to your desk, door or a similar surface. The SpringFlex lets you do over 120 exercises virtually anywhere at anytime.

i havent the slightest as to how this contraption even works. so where to start?? hmm lets start with the fact that this guy apparently has his shirt off while 'working out' at his office desk?? NUMEROUS repetitive stress injuries? c'mon now, to say there's numerous injuries by sitting at a desk is ridiculous. the item description ends by saying "Easily attach the SpringFlex to your desk, door or a similar surface. The SpringFlex lets you do over 120 exercises virtually anywhere at anytime"...120 exercises?? really? anytime? anywhere? okay smarty pants, can i do it in my car? can i do it in a red lobster? on a bus?

2. the fact that vests often cost more or equal to a whole jacket is silly. thats kinda like getting 4 cokes in a six pack and charging 10 bucks.

3. dont believe the hype. broccoli in ice cream isnt all that great. (dont ask. just shake your head in confusion)

4. i wonder if ancient egyptians really walked like the girls in the 'walk like an egyptian' video or as depicted in hieroglyphics?...like in everyday life.

5. how awkward is it when people ask your opinion about baby names and you say you dont like 'chester', but they later end up choosing it. so now, for forever, they know you dont like their sons name. probably more awkward for family members.

6. so why do movie critics critique kids movies? for whatever reason thats kinda creepy to me. i know some say its for the parents, but c'mon, when i go to the movies with the kids i watch the movie, but not in a critical way because ITS A KIDS MOVIE!

7. top hats and turtlenecks are easily the worst clothing inventions ever.

8. the other day we bought a media cabinet from pier 1. i was enthralled by the DO NOT DROP label on the side of the box. i mean who has to be reminded not to drop a box?? obviously the purchaser of the box doesnt need to be reminded because they know the content. the people at pier 1 SHOULD NOT be reminded for 2 reasons: they either (a) also know whats in the box or (b) dont know whats in the box which means they SHOULDNT drop it for that reason!...thanks captain obvious

9. did you know ramen noodles has an expiration date? i know, surprised the hell out of me too. my question is, what exactly would tip you off that they're even stale? thats the equivalent to putting an expiration date on styrofoam. dont they already seem stale?..."hey honey, can you check the date on the ramen noodles? yeah they taste a little less like congestive heart failure."

10. i doubt the r&b group 'tony toni tone' would have been as popular if their name was jeff

not embarrassing at all...

2009-12-05T03:10:00.004-05:00

the other day my computer crashed. we lost all our stinkin music, our stinkin photos, and every stankity stank thing we had on our compooper. and yes, it was a damn mac!

anyway, we ended up waiting a long as we could without a 'main computer' in the house hoping we could find someone who thought we could salvage the old one, but even then our laptop was on its last legs. at least my son isnt putting loose change in all the slots like its an expensive portable video game or something. anyway, we ended up getting a new computer the other day and my kids attacked it soon there after. my wife and i love the photobooth feature on it, basically because there are all kinds of crazy things you can do and apparently one of those crazy things is make a homemade video...no not that kind ya perv, the kind where kiddos play like their teenie bopper singers like demi lovato, miley cyrus, or members of some bubblegum band like the jonas brothers, none of which look alike mind you or the black eyed peas...wait black eyed peas?!...yup. my kids decided to make a 'video' of the song 'imma be' and they didnt even use the radio version the little boogers! sheesh

these are each of my kids to the T!!!!!

..also my kids absolutely dismantled and destroyed our room!! the box from the computer is still sitting right there with all that styrofoam crap dusted across our floor! i swear leave em alone for a couple days and look what happens!!!!

ahem, thats a joke.......

s

IV

2009-11-30T15:51:00.002-05:00

i re-posted the following because i started typing it one night and after one too many cups of egg nog, i was unable, unwilling, and too unhealthy to finish typing. so now that my cholesterol has returned to normal and i no longer dry heave when eggs or noggs(whatever that means) are mentioned i thought i'd put it back in order...

i have two of the sweetest daughters a father could have. i mean they are polite, attentive, funny, helpful, smart to name a few of their qualities. some mornings my 10 year old will have already made breakfast and took the dog out. yes, 10 years old. every report card they've had say something along the lines of 'kiera (my 10 year old) jadyn (my 7 year old) are a joy to have in class. they're respectful of the classroom rules and they always have their homework.' its like God took the best qualities from the mrs and me and made two spectacular little girls

i swear the room fills with bubbles and can smell flowers and cotton candy when i talk about them like this.

...but wait, i smell something else as well. (sniff sniff) it smells like someone put tobasco on the cotton candy?? the flowers are now trampled and smell of urine??...oh wait, its just my son pictured here...

as evidenced in this picture, he cant just take a regular picture. yup, lil sammy IV. he's the fourth and a one of a kind mind you. there is no such thing as a simple/quiet/serene/dull moment until he is tucked away in his bed. my daughters have the cutest most infectious laughs you could imagine. my son on the other hand, simply has the most infectious hands. im still doing the proper research, but i swear his dirty clothes hamper had something to do with the swine flu outbreak.

he's also into girls...already. i mean like we'll be at the mall and he'll double-take when he see's a pretty girl, young or old. he's 6 years old btw. while at a celtics game, whenever the cheerleaders took to the court, everyone else was obsolete. we've actually caught him undressing his sisters barbie dolls. he was 3 at the time.

the other day, we were all at a restaurant eating dinner when he said he had to go to the bathroom. so i escort him because i dont like him going on his own basically for two reasons: 1. who knows what creepy folks hang there. 2. i dont want my son sneaking a peek up some ladies skirt. at any rate, he has to "drop a deuce" as he actually calls it. ahem, which is partly my fault but i swear i dont know where he got the looking under dress thing!...i havent done that in years.

he walks in the stall and closes the door. no one else is there so all i can hear is water splashing and the soft tones of a 6 year old humming the black eyed peas hit 'imma be'. while i wait, i decide to play texas hold em poker on my phone. i wait i play. i play i wait when two teenagers walk in saying whatever nonsense teenagers say that they think is cool. they sorta look at me with that 'what he hell are you doing here' look because there's an open stall next to me. so i tell one that im just waiting on my son. so he goes in the stall and his friend uses the urinal. so now IM the creepy guy hanging out in the bathroom playing poker on his phone. im also the creeped out guy because there's three people around me urinating and going #2 and im apparently in the audience. just when things couldnt get any more creeped out, while still sitting on the porcelain throne, my son calls out from behind the door

'dad it stinks in here, did you fart?'
im like 'no sammy, thats probably you'.
'haha okay. i did a big one!'
'okay hurry up'
--feeling the need to change the subject, his next words were
'dad when i get big will i have a big one like you?'

he's innocently asked this before and he's not talking about his stool. also the other times he's asked me, we were at home and not around strangers.

if you've never seen a black man blush, come hang with me and son for a day and i'll show you one.

i say all this in jest of course. well some of it anyway. he is extremely smart and reads well above his age level, but its just hard to see because the boy is out of his mind(he's read his oldest sisters books since last year)

despite his crazy/embarrassing antics, i wouldnt have him any other way...well i guess i could without the swine flu in my house...

food coma induces excessive shopping

2009-11-23T17:19:00.006-05:00

with another thanksgiving looming, that can only mean another phenomenon follows. black friday. its the day where people have just eaten entirely too much, so naturally spending too much is the obvious follow up.

its a day where people flock to the malls to buy crap they dont need but still claim to have saved money. i guess i think thats what most people do anyway. i seriously doubt a majority of people have a washer breakdown, for example, in july and think 'oh i'll just do without till black friday'. i doubt very many people are filling 'a need' when they descend upon the doors of their favorite stores.

the whole thrill of the day escapes me and has about as much relevance as those giant jawbreakers. i have a hard time seeing the draw to camping outside a store for several hours, sometimes in terrible conditions, to save a few bucks and trample the feeble in the process.

a few years ago i heard about a walmart in florida that opened their doors to a slew of deal seekers and in the process a few people were run over. and by run over i mean footprints on their skulls leaving them in hospital. the thing about the story that really tripped me out was that a few people were complaining...about walmart that is! one woman interviewed said she was upset walmart didnt do enough to protect them. walmart? protect you? i dont know what all walmart could do to protect them except maybe post signs that read, 'to all of you waiting outside like wolves on a bloody carcass, please refrain from stepping on any faces on your way to huge blowout deals we have on digital cameras and those bagel sized toasters.'

i dont know exactly what my deal is with the whole ordeal, but theres just something gruesome about seeing people mob a place, and people possibly, to 'kinda save' a few dollars on crap they normally wouldnt consider if it wasnt the day after thanksgiving.

hummus

2009-11-17T21:09:00.004-05:00

i bet my wife and kids will be soooo...surprised when they open their christmas gift! who wouldnt want a sculpture of an apparent 4 year old breast-feeding?? he's gotta be four AT LEAST, i mean his hair is parted.

i got some new bed pants the other day and i cant wait for it to start getting cold at nights so i dont have that gross feeling one feels as sweat and fleece are paired. i feel like a kid on christmas morning when i put them on. which is a nice change to being the 32 year old quasi adult i actually am.

i actually used the term 'bally-who' the other day...like on purpose. i weighed all my other options and chose bally-who. im thinkin' im going to lay off on my dictionary reading for a spell. maybe sit this one out

$6.50 is the absolute maximum any normal person should spend at taco bell. anything more than that is bordering gluttonous behavior.

the phrase 'easy as pie' is kinda misleading. pie is not an easy fix. maybe the phrase should read 'easy as buying a pie'.

other than a family member or close friend, do male baby-sitters, out of high school, exist?

we got our daughters bunk beds the other day and i got to thinking. i wish they made adult bunk beds...or at least not look at me funny for inquiring about it.

so i suppose im fancy now. fancy is the only way to accurately describe a person who eats hummus. hummus is made from chickpeas and is used as a dip for chips and vegetables like carrots, celery, etc. i mean who would have thought that a chickpea would have any other use other than giving us a better alternative to being forced to call them 'broad-peas'.

the other day i saw one of those ultra cheesy, terribly low budget lawyer commercials where they promise outlandish money and court cases will go your way and boldly say their name with some descriptive term that is supposed to make them appear macho. (ie joe the hammer, or mike the bulldog, etc) these commercials are way to high in numbers for my taste and that got me to thinking. there's alot of them for a reason and one of those is that other lawyers apparently see these commercials and think 'hey, i should setup my camera phone and make me one!' i then got to thinking again and wondered, do these lawyers go to 'regular law school' or like junior college law school?...quick, how do you keep a lawyer from drowning?...shoot him before he hits the water!

IV

2009-11-17T01:24:00.004-05:00

i have two of the sweetest daughters a father could have. i mean they are polite, attentive, funny, helpful, smart to name a few of their qualities. some mornings my 10 year old will have already made breakfast and took the dog out. yes, 10 years old. every report card they've had say something along the lines of 'kiera (my 10 year old) jadyn (my 7 year old) are a joy to have in class. they're respectful of the classroom rules and they always have their homework.' its like God took the best qualities from the mrs and me and made two spectacular little girls

i swear the room fills with bubbles and can smell flowers and cotton candy when i talk about them like this.

...but wait, i smell something else as well. (sniff sniff) it smells like someone put tobasco on the cotton candy?? the flowers are now trampled and smell of urine??...oh wait, its just my son pictured here...

as evidenced in this picture, he cant just take a regular picture. yup, lil sammy IV. he's the fourth and a one of a kind mind you. there is no such thing as a simple/quiet/serene/dull moment until he is tucked away in his bed. my daughters have the cutest most infectious laughs you could imagine. my son on the other hand, simply has the most infectious hands. im still doing the proper research, but i swear his dirty clothes hamper had something to do with the swine flu outbreak.

he's also into girls...already. i mean like we'll be at the mall and he'll double-take when he see's a pretty girl, young or old. he's 6 years old btw. while at a celtics game, whenever the cheerleaders took to the court, everyone else was obsolete. we've actually caught him undressing his sisters barbie dolls. he was 3 at the time.

the other day, we were all at a restaurant eating dinner when he said he had to go to the bathroom. so i escort him because i dont like him going on his own basically for two reasons: 1. who knows what creepy folks hang there. 2. i dont want my son sneaking a peek up some ladies skirt. at any rate, he has to "drop a deuce" as he actually calls it. ahem, which is partly my fault but i swear i dont know where he got the looking under dress thing!...i havent done that in years.

he walks in the stall and closes the door. no one else is there so all i can hear is water splashing and the soft tones of a 6 year old humming the black eyed peas hit 'imma be'. while i wait, i decide to play texas hold em poker on my phone. i wait i play. i play i wait when two teenagers walk in saying whatever nonsense teenagers say that they think is cool. they sorta look at me with that 'what he hell are you doing here' look because there's an open stall next to me. so i tell one that im just waiting on my son. so he goes in the stall and his friend uses the urinal. so now IM the creepy guy hanging out in the bathroom playing poker on his phone. im also the creeped out guy because there's three people around me urinating and going #2 and im apparently in the audience. just when things couldnt get any more creeped out, while still sitting on the porcelain throne, my son calls out from behind the door

'dad it stinks in here, did you fart?'
im like 'no sammy, thats probably you'.
'haha okay. i did a big one!'
'okay hurry up'
--feeling the need to change the subject, his next words were
'dad when i get big will i have a big one like you?'

he's innocently asked this before and he's not talking about his stool. also the other times he's asked me, we were at home and not around strangers.

if you've never seen a black man blush, come hang with me and son for a day and i'll show you one.

i say all this in jest of course. well some of it anyway. he is extremely smart and reads well above his age level, but its just hard to see because the boy is out of his mind(he's read his oldest sisters books since last year)

despite his crazy/embarrassing antics, i wouldnt have him any other way...well i guess i could without the swine flu in my house...

non-skid surfaces

2009-11-12T20:12:00.004-05:00

while watching the news here in new england the other night i peeped a story they were reporting about how it seems that sooner or later it will be illegal to text while driving. generally speaking, i really am not a fan of the news. i just really could do without alot of the horrid and tragic stories that seem to litter the newscasts. but i digress. mannequin looking folks delivering morbidness is not the topic de jour. no this post is in essence about the sky mall in flight magazine. i bet your thinking 'now what does the monstrosity we call sky mall have to do with texting and driving and mannequins?' well be patient my friends, i will attempt to enlighten you.

some time ago i posted about how i thought the sky mall magazine was the mothership for all things ridiculous and unnecessary. i mean they really have the trivial trinkets market on lock. maybe i could take some of my random thoughts to them and we could come up with a few products for them to push. oh i dont know, just spitballin' here, but maybe we could sell customizable doorstops. not just any customizable doorstop though. no ours would be in the image of someone's face you would like to see slammed by a door and best of all, you wouldnt go to jail for it! maybe its that teacher who gave you detention. maybe its the mcdonalds employee that put onions on your burger even though you specifically told them not to and when you told them about it they acted like you were being ridiculous for not wanting the stinkin' onions. the list goes on. we would have the customers send in a pic of the person and within a month or so they would have their awesomeness incarnate!...

so what was i talking about again??...thats right, the mannequins bit. anyway, like i was saying, i saw that alot of folks seem to be upset or scared of drivers that text and law may soon mirror the notion. i must say that i dont totally agree but i definitely see where they're coming from. i just dont think everyone who drives and texts does it dangerously. people do alot of things while driving other than driving that are just as bad. or potentially bad anyway. i honestly think eating while driving is just as dangerous and dont let the moron get my order wrong! i hate scraping off onions while trying to text, read, and shave all while driving! so annoying. anyway i admit im probably just being a baby because i do text at times and hate to think of all the messages i wont be able to send now that i could potentially be pulled over for it. no more funny/offensive email forwards to all my friends, but all this did bring to mind a product i saw in the scrap yard...i mean, sky mall magazine. get a gander at this baby...

thats right. its an office workstation for your, (drumroll please)...passenger seat??

okay. so if my reading and interpretation of a possible law are accurate, it will soon be illegal to text but it will be fine and dandy to print out documents and file papers. here's its description...

These workstations strap to the seat with the existing seat belt and provide a non-slip writing surface, a hanging file sectioni and space for a laptop and accessories. Lightweight at just 19 lbs. yet the rugged styrene stand up to years of use. Made in USA. (Express Model imported.) Not for use while driving.

M42 Non-Skid model has pull-out writing surface under the non-skid desktop. M133 Non-Skid with power inverter adds the convenience of 400 watts of 110-volt power and is all you need to power a laptop, printer, cell phone or DVD player. Includes ON/OFF switch with status light and fault light to confirm auto shut down. Comes with two 3-prong AC outlets and a 12V cigarette lighter adapter on a 45" cord.

M150 Non-skid File Master includes a hanging file section that faces the driver. M156 Non-Skid Express has a flip-down, non-skid desktop with trays for a cell phone and more plus an extra bin. This model is extra lightweight at just 10 lbs. and 20"w x 14"d x 10"h.

the good thing is, in the magazine, it says in red letters that this is not for use while driving. oh and who can forget the non-slip writing surface for all the notes i'll be taking...while NOT driving of course. naturally, a few things come to mind..

i guess i would like to know just when exactly the thing is to be used then? i mean it says its lightweight at 19LBS! 19LBS? i guess that is lightweight in terms of car offices, but not so much if you're supposed to carry all your junk into your actual office?? now thats some irony for ya, bringing your office to your office. thats like trying to get to get rid of your coffee breath by eating an onion.

you'll notice that it also comes equipped and ready to power everything you need in your passenger seat. it supports laptops, printer, cell phone, vacuum's, blenders, espresso machines, and dvd players...wait dvd players? saaaaay now thats sweet. one can only assume that to have a dvd player, a television must be present. i mean they just go together. like ponch and 'that other guy' from CHIPS. not quite sure where it would go, but as long as im not texting my wife sweet nothings while driving i guess it doesnt matter where the tv goes.

i really am having a hard time understanding just what the hell this thing is for, of course just who in the hell would pay over $600 for all this and which parts of it arent okay to do while driving? would i be allowed to file my documents while driving? can i surf the internet? can i type and print out my grocery list on the way to target? who knows, as long as i can still brew me up a mocha latte and vacuum at will. of course i hope so because the comfort of caffeine and pristine car floors will be the only comfort i'll feel because my passenger seat is occupied by my office and not a woman.

nothing-ness

2009-11-04T15:05:00.001-05:00

i used to like the show 'three's company' but not enough to explain my dream the other night. janet and i were parachuting from a plane??

speaking of unnecessary letters, who's idea was it to put letters in math problems?? i remember thinking 'i thought i was in math class not english!'

is it just me or are those prius commercials sick, creepy, and the opposite of enticing

yuck

i went to the vitamin store the other day, or should i say, vitamin shoppe?? shoppe? whats that all about?

there's a pretty good chance that i may be alone in this, but you ever notice how pretty much all girls names suit them even while they're children? in my opinion, there are some mens names that arent bad or silly, but they are hard to picture that same name belonging to a young child. basically, the name sounds like its just for adults. examples would be: barry, gary, chester, doug, earl, etc...

while blog surfing, i came across a post that somehow had me thinking about words with silent letters. ie knee, gnat, etc...just why on earth would someone plant silent letters in front of words? who decides which words get the silent treatment anyway?...ah well, i gotta grun now because i khave to go gpick the nkids up from kschool.

field study

2009-11-01T21:40:00.002-05:00

the other night, the mrs and i were looking to hang out spend some time together without the likes of messy peanut butter jelly sandwiches, jonas brothers cd's, lego's, and, well, pretty much parenting in general. we decided we would grab a quick bite then head to the movies. pf changs is ALWAYS busy but we hadnt had their lettuce wraps in a while so figured, what the hell, we'll call it in, pick it up and listen to music while we eat in the car. hey who says romance is dead ; )

a few wraps and a messy middle console later, we headed to peep the movie saw 26. i mean saw 66. well whatever the movie is where they've had a bunch of and i cant figure out how the old guy is still alive, thats the one we went to. at any rate, the movie was decent and the wife and i went through a bottle of wine and i had the peanut m&m's. please believe when i tell you nothing says stomach pain and the pink stuff like wine and m&m's.

as we sat in the theater planning our future movie going by critiquing ALL the previews we saw, i started to think...just what is it about the movie theater that makes it a good place to take a date?? i mean you cant even really converse. well unless you want to be a lame ass butt sniffer!**slight tangent alert** so what is it about the movies that turns regular people into regular asswipes?! i mean really, there is no need to laugh that loud or announce yourself when you walk into the theater and spot the group of flunkies your meeting. i hate THOSE people, but i digress...it seems to me the best that can come out a movie date, without risking a(nother) night in jail mind you(wink wink), is holding a young ladies hand or sharing a variety of artery clogging snacks ie a bucket of popcorn coughcholesterolcough.

so here's my plan, or should i say, research project. im going to get a sitter and the mrs' and i will venture out to borders book store or maybe barnes and noble if she's good. we will get chai tea and biscotti bars then sit side by side...and read. the same book of course. not even out loud. just sit, read, sip, crunch, read. we would even hold hands while we read our books, although that could get aggravating while trying to turn pages.

i wonder how this date would turn out. i personally think its a crock of poo, but supposing what people say is true, 'the book is always better', im sure we'd have a grand ol' time.

its monday somewhere...wait what??

2009-10-26T13:31:00.003-04:00

2 posts ago i posted something about ramen noodles and a few other bits of nonsense that actually cross my mind.

upon posting, i realized at least 2 things: 1, i gotta stop drinking and posting simultaneously. 2, i should make a list of 10 things we SHOULD HAVE never heard, but apparently we unfortunately did!...yeah thats it!...

damn libations ; )

anyway, without further ado, the official list of 10 things we SHOULD HAVE never heard, but unfortunately did...(well someone did and the rest of us were forced to experience the torture)

1) 'reality shows are awesome, lets create another!!!'

2) 'okay Wendy's, meet bacon...bacon, meet Wendy's'

3) 'hey guys, there's this new texting language thats not annoying at all! check it out!...hey u goin 2 da show 2day or 2mrw? lemme kno sum time l8ter 2day. K !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4) 'great! really good work guys. the first minivan is now complete'

5) 'damn bro, you are wearing those skinny jeans!!'

6) 'nonsense mr trump, your hair looks amazing!'

7) 'uhh, i disagree. i dont think ANOTHER vampire show is excessive'

8) 'okay singing career, meet heidi montag...singing career heidi'

9) 'why is there a bag of jiffy pop floating through the sky??'

and last but not least

10) 'ive got an idea, just take a lot off the front and do not touch the back.' --the wearer of the first mullet

a trip to the bookstore

2009-10-23T18:02:00.002-04:00

if you've noticed the sporadic nature of this here blog, you'll also understand that its hard for me to find time to read books. well basically alot of things i like to do. ie, take photographs, watch the office, bathe, parent, etc. but when i do get the chance, i usually over indulge. in this case, i went there for one book but left with 4 and a half...i'll explain the half shortly.

i really do like the bookstore. not sure if it just makes me feel smart and somewhat 'uppity' or what the reason is, but i do enjoy spending time hanging out. for this trip, my wife had my daughters and they were doing whatever it is girls do when the boys are away, so my son and i ventured out in the rain that dumped on the new england area a few nights back. now my son is the epitome of what one should think of when the term 'little hellian' is used! love him to death but my son is a trip...especially in public! so we're walking around the store looking at all the new titles. as im looking around feeling educated, i had made my way from the carpeting to the tiling and when i did, my quasi wet shoes made an awkward sound that sounded relatively harmless...unless you're a six year old hellian. my lil sammy says 'aww dad did you fart?!'. he thankfully didnt scream it, but he did say it loud enough for a lady to turn around and look at me like, well, like i farted in public. i dont even know what i said. infact, i never know what to say and things like this unfortunately happen regularly. i sorta mumbled under my breath for him to stop being so silly.

not only is this blog sporadic in the peppering of posts here and there, its also sporadic in its themes. this also held true for my purchases at the bookstore. the over indulgent hodgepodge i walked out with went like this:

1) 'wishful drinking"...by carrie fisher aka princess leia. a memoir about the struggles she's faced ie. drugs, bouts of depression and being bipolar. plus im a star wars geek

2) 'a million miles in a thousand years'...by donald miller. basically a memoir about a memoir. he talks about a popular previous book of his that was going to be made into a film. the subtitle reads 'what i learned while editing my life.' im not doing it justice at all but its a great read. i started with this one

3) 'boundaries with kids'...by henry cloud and john townsend. a book written by psychologists with great insight into raising 'healthy kids'.

4) 'my jesus year'...by benyamin cohen. the book is subtitled 'a rabbi's son wanders the bible belt in search of his own faith'

5) 'dirty jokes every man should know'...doogie horner. absolutely riveting stories of sex, alcohol, and lawyer jokes

6) 'mike and ike"...by sugar. a fruity candy that is a must have!

10 things you'll never hear

2009-10-23T16:29:00.002-04:00

so quite some time has passed since my last post. dont say i didnt warn you though. as ive stated before, this time of year is really hectic and just getting a chance to sit down and type is near impossible.

anyway, i do have the desire to write/post, just not always the mental capability, or as i mentioned, the time. typically what i end up doing is making notes on random sheets of paper or on my phone and try to remember to expand the thought when my son isnt draped around my leg...(or my wife for that matter wink wink). after ive pried them off, i sit down and type the nonsense you are about to read. so until next month (hopefully not), please take your time, read and savor the morsels im sharing. its a ridiculous list of 10 things you will never ever never ever never ever hear. having stated that, here's the first...

1) 'damn. im eating ramen noodles, could you pass the salt?'

2) 'boy, mikeys mom sure does make a mean rootabaga soup'

3) 'damn. im eating ramen noodles."

4) 'brad! get the kids ready and i'll start the car. be sure to grab the list of things we need from wal mart' -- angelina jolie

5) 'sir where do you keep the rootabaga's?'

6) 'hey lets visit wyoming!'

7) 'man, my cat is soooo active!'

8) 'damn my feet smell awesome!' --any fly

9) 'they make a 50 dollar bill?!...really?!' --oprah winfrey

10) 'president george bush is in the building!' -- the future

posters note: not quite sure why im picking on rootabaga's. actually, not quite sure why im even thinkng about them, but come on!...has anyone ever actually seen a rootabaga?

un-reality tv

2009-09-05T13:44:00.006-04:00

whew, well its been quite some time since my last post. it wasnt a planned hiatus, but once training camp started my mind became mush and could basically only process football information. so for a good three-six weeks, even the simplest of tasks were forced out of my brain which is why i havent been able to participate in the following: use any deodorant that doesnt spray, eaten pb&j sandwiches (that werent the pre-made sort that is), tied my shoes, eaten hard boiled eggs, used vending machines, shelled a pecan or pistachio, hit a pinata, or used a mechanical pencil.

having said that, to get back blogging again, ive decided to target (un)reality tv shows. just to be clear i hate ALL of them! i mean really, how is this crap so widely watched? its hardly 'real' OR 'reality' as its all scripted nonsense. i really loathe this genre of tv more than: house music, people that reverse into parking spots, the ever annoying '20 wiper', and all the swine flu coverage, or should i say the 'R2D2 virus' or whatever its called...combined!

i guess i should say that american idol is the one exception, but that s more along the lines of being 'real' ya dig. also those dancing shows fit here, but im simply not a fan.

also, how does putting a camera in someone's house make them celebrities? take 'john and kate plus 8', what exactly do they do that makes them famous? wouldnt that mean when people were interviewed by a local news station, they should now have to duck the paparazzi if they end up facing marital troubles? i simply just dont see how these folks are in those trashy smut magazines or on crap shows like 'extra'.

anyhow, even though we've officially started our season, i do plan to post but am not making any guarantees ; )

i hate drama

2009-07-27T17:57:00.003-04:00

long story short, in general, people suck and are to be avoided at all costs. because people suck, generally speaking that is, i dont trust alot of people and honestly i dont forgive well either. thats another story for another time mainly because i can already feel myself getting pissed again!

theres 7 things i know of that 'fix' me right up when i get pissed or aggravated. this list is:

1. 'relations'
2. 'relations'
3. talking about 'relations'
4. thinking about 'relations'
5. randomly blogging
6. peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
7. and combining #'s 1-4 of this list and possibly #6...dont ask

so because only #'s 4, 5, and 6 can be...wait, SHOULD be done with kids in the vicinity, randomly blogging will have to do...what time is bed time again??

having said that, i havent posted in a while but that doesnt mean my dome hasnt stopped functioning abnormally or fixating itself on obscure, irrelevant, even trite things. anyway, here's to randomness and pissing on drama.

btw, i dont literally hate people. that was the frustr...nevermind, yes i do!

1. first off, in a previous blog i said that toast with butter and grape jelly was severely underrated. now im saying that twinkies are soooo nauseatingly overrated. its like a sponge with mayonnaise stuffed in it. (did i just use the word nauseatingly??)

2. i lover ginger ale but 'canada dry' is a ridiculous name for a brand. no offense to canadiens ay, just sayin ya know. i mean how ridiculous would a similar drink be if we called it 'american wet' or 'united states damp'? again, just sayin.

3. what was God thinking when he created both snakes and spiders? i mean couldnt he forsee that the crap movies '8 legged freaks' and 'snakes on a plane' would spawn from these creations?

4. we took our kids to this indoor/outdoor waterpark in the dallas area the other day and had a blast. other than getting all kinds of stares from on-lookers in regards to all the tattoos we sport, (all three of our kids were COVERED in those fake stick on tats and my wife and i both have quite a few) we had a blast. one night i was staring at the ceiling, as i often do, thinking about the days events and what all i had to do to keep myself from beating up that jerk kid who tried to push my son bc he couldnt get the inner tube from him as we floated down the lazy river. but thats besides the point, what i was trying to say was that while i thought on all this, i started wondering...what the hell are all those 'bumps' on the ceiling?? we had them on the ceiling of the house i grew up in and i would often make shapes out of those, but never asked the question of just what the hell are they?! if you've never seen them they look like the ceiling has a bad case of the chicken pox or like someone, for whatever reason, decide to stick a crap load of those 'french burnt peanuts candies' on the ceiling and paint over them. if you dont know what french burnt peanuts candies are, google it ya lazy bum.

5. why can i spell the word 'regularly' without problems, but as soon as i try to say it, the word soon sounds like a collection of l' and r's scatteres at will. audibly it sounds like 'regularlaly'. really frustrating to sound like a bumbling six year old when doing radio interviews.

reporter: so sammy hows your offseason going? you work out much?
me the apparent six year old: its been great. ive been working out regularaly, i mean regul,ahem, i mean often.

6. peach cobbler is one of my favorite desserts, but i think im going to call it something else. 'cobbler' doesnt sound very appetizing in my opinion. maybe it should be called 'megan fox'.

7. a wet bar is what?

8. so if uni-brow means a single hilarious block of hair with little to no separation above the eyes, a uni-cycle means a single wheel with little to no relevance to anyone other than circus performers, what the hell does uni-sex mean?? shouldnt the clothing or whatever be called 'bi-sex' clothing?...just sayin

9. are dogs offended by humans morning breath? if so, the nerve.

that'll be all

i hate 90% of email forwards buuuuut...

2009-07-03T12:34:00.001-04:00

this one is one is probably the funniest one ive seen in a long time! it was actually sent to me at least 4 years ago but ive kept it over the years because it cracks me up to no end!!!

ive heard that this is from a dutch comedy show or something, but its still hilarious! its not even in english but trust me you dont even have to know what he's saying to laugh hysterically! the couple is on this talk show to speak about a tragic hospital stay. i dont mean tragic in that anyone lost their life, no nothing that miniscule. this man and his wife are talking about a procedure where his, ahem, testicles were removed on accident. folks im laughing as i type...its only a minute and a half long and i just posted the link because i havent the slightest as to how to post youtube videos.

hilariousness

2009-06-30T12:34:00.000-04:00

i was at the grocery store the other day and while i was passing the aisle/area where the bologna, bacon, and other crap 'foods' reside and i couldnt help but wonder...does anyone even eat bologna any more? i personally find it to be absolute filth and the mystery 'meats' slimy texture alone is enough make one vomit. i seriously dry heave just by typing it. bologna? even the name sounds ridiculously foul. bologna?? what the hell is it made of?...anyway, yuck.

also lurking in the area is another rather odd food...hot dogs. now im not either for them nor against them, in regards to attempting to digest one. having said that, i am completely against trying to eat gobs of them at a time. im talking about these hot dog eating contests people always partake in. so when i got home i googled hot dog eating contests and this link is actually from last year but the horridness remains the same.

it just seems to me that with all the starving people in the world, a face stuffing competition wouldnt/couldnt take place. right? i wonder if the one driving the food to the competition passed any homeless people and thought about how insane this is.

i dont know, just sayin...

tats, mike, and a little clarity

2009-06-28T13:59:00.007-04:00

i personally love tattoos. i like them ON me as well as seeing other people's artistic ventures. i got yet another a month or so ago and will be going again in the next few days. my wife actually has waaaaay more than i do and theres also more to come on her. i like it when women can pull off the tats they have. in my opinion, some girls can pull off 'excessive' tats and some simply cannot. i dont know what it is about the girl that she HAS to have to pull it off well but i know it when i see it. my kids will be tatted up by the time they're legally able to do it. they always draw them on themselves and pretend to put em on my wife and i. pretty cool in my opinion. anyway, i was thumbing through one of the 8 quazillion tattoo magazines and i saw a woman with a paris hilton on her foot. yes it pains me to mention it folks, but yes i said paris hilton. not a tat of the hilton hotel in paris where she traded nuptials with her man. nope, it was "that" paris hilton. it actually got me to thinking...

ive been traveling alot and havent had the chance to post on the death of mike, aka, michael jackson. ive seen or heard alot of people talking rather negatively about how most radio stations paying tribute to him by playing his songs pretty much all day. i heard one guy say, 'oh lets honor a child molester'. though i understand where these people are coming from, i still have to object to the negativity.

(soooo...and to now somehow try and make sense of my ramblings and how tats, miss hilton, and mike have a common bond in my brain...)

without a doubt, celebrities or people we idolize (sometimes negatively) play a huge role in our lives. i guess what i had to reconcile mentally was how i could feel such a loss over, not only someone ive never met, but someone with such a...checkered or, at least, questionable past. now i wasnt like in the dumps and depressed all day or anything, but i did feel a sense of loss and was in disbelief. for me, music is so incredibly nostalgic and as a result, the artists somehow become part of my life. i was talking with dawn today and we both were talking about how we could remember where we were when he would have a new video released on tv, or painfully trying to mimic the entire dance sequence of thriller. i distinctly remember my mom damn near driving of the road when i told her that i thought he was saying 'f@ck it' in 'beat it' when he was actually saying 'funky'. there are just so many instances where the nostalgia runs so deep, that i can still, after all these years, remember how i felt at that moment. i can remember the joy and laughter that echoed through my house as my brother and i laughed at each other stumbling over our feet. all because of a simple song or video. after watching all the tributes on tv, i couldnt help thinking, 'wow, i cant believe he's really gone.' when i first heard the news, via text message from a friend, his death hadnt been confirmed yet and i kept thinking, no, hoping, he would pull through and that the media had somehow jumped the gun. unfortunately as we all know, he didnt make it. i for one am saddened regardless of how much he physically morphed into almost a different person and yes even with the allegations laid against him.

truth be told...

2009-06-23T16:07:00.002-04:00

...i HAD to post something, anything, so that a sprawled out adam 'cher' lambert wasnt the first thing i see every time i click on my page...(shudder)

anyway, i was out of town for the weekend in the great yet ultra dusty lubbock, texas. lubbock is in good ole west texas and is the location of my alma mater, texas tech baby! i was there for a football camp for kids and it went really well. i left wednesday afternoon and naturally my flight was canceled. while waiting to get reassigned, i had an absolute blast, all by myself, just sitting and laughing, laughing and sitting just 'people watching' in the airport! i am thoroughly convinced that the airport is the best place to go people watch. along those lines, i also think that while there, i become the most random. not to mention ive felt extremely random the past week or so...gotta...start...sleeping...more!

the following is all stuff i actually took time to weigh, ponder, or consider in my brain in between the times i spent chuckling at all the un-coordination on display while people awkwardly made the dash for their gate. i swear im going to bring a video camera and just record those that were obviously out doing math problems or something while God was handing out coordination.

hilarious

anyway, i give you my brain in blizzle(blog) form...

1. what is it about the airport experience that somehow causes the decibel level of people's voices to apparently raise a few octaves? i mean really, whether boarding or getting off the plane, or just at the airport in general, people seemingly talk plate scraping annoyingly loud! and im sick of it. they're not even relaying anything all that important. i could care less about your flight experience or what you want for dinner that night. all i hear is 'blah blah blah get my bags. blah blah blah cracker barrel. blah blah blah etc

2. speaking of volume, i think the PA system at airports has two settings: church mouse or dragons roar. i almost ended up in grand rapids because i couldnt hear the guy, then just minutes later my eardrum bled because of the inconsistency.

3. whatever happened to neve campbell? she used to be kinda hot but then she disappeared.

4. 'mtv' should change their acronym to 'crstv' which translated means 'crap reality show television'. i remember back in the day when they actually had videos.

5. why is flossing publically considered impolite or rude? actually, WHO was it that decided it was not to be done? its gotta be better than that sound people make when they try to suck the food debris from in between their teeth.

6. when im at the airport alone, i always try to find an area lightly populated to sit down and wait. ESPECIALLY when i have a longer wait bc of cancelled flight. anyway, i found this prime location just a few gates down from where i would be taking off from and decided to camp out there and read my magazine with megan fox(hubba hubba) on the cover. about 15 mins into my search for solace, some loud ass lady, on a damn cell phone, comes and plops down right next to me. mind you there were plenty of seats NOT next to me, but nooooo she wants to get all in my kool-aid. i didnt want to appear snobby or rude so i just sat there for about 15 mins before getting up to 'use the bathroom'. i didnt even have to go but i actually went to the john like i did. i saw that she was still squatting on my land after my fake bathroom trip, so i just roamed and actually found a decent seat at my gate and waited there even though there was more people in the general area. fortunately i didnt have to worry about some lady with terrible seat awareness basically grinding on my leg.

8. toast with butter and grape jelly is highly underrated

7. is it just me, or do none of the jonas brothers actually look like brothers? i guess the 'jonas cousins' didnt have the same ring to it huh.

8. not only are alot of people extra loud at and around airports, the movies seem to also bring out this annoying quality. will someone please explain to me why it is soooo cool to talk loud while entering the theater and while the previews are showing. 'hey everyone, listen to how cool i can be.'...'hey blake, are we going to the bar after the movies?'...damn thats annoying

9. megan fox

10. while standing SECOND in line to get my flight squared away with chipper (sarcastic) lady behind the desk, this guy walks up behind me and this convo actually happened...

him-are you in line?

me-uhh yes i am. (of course this is with that smartass look like 'are we really having this conversation?')

him- oh okay. sorry, i didnt know if you were waiting for the other guy.

me- (befuddled) what other guy?

him- oh nevermind i dont know what im saying

me- oh...okay??

there was only one person behind the counter and it wasnt a guy. he was in a panicky rush and my best guess is that he was either in rush to get to the front of the line so he could hurry and get his flt squared away or he was on crack. he probably wanted to cut in line like an eight year old trying to get to lunch quicker. well panicky crackhead guy i say no way jose! the people behind me had to wait, i had to wait, so guess who else gets to wait? thats right, i dont care how bad you want to get to the front of line. the enchiladas will still be there by the time you arrive.

GASP!!!

2009-06-14T15:10:00.004-04:00

so if you've read any of my blog you know that im a pretty big idol fan. you also know that alison was robbed but i digress.

in this issue, glam, not to mention theatrical, rocker adam lambert dishes on his sexuality and thus finally clearing up all the 'doubts' viewers of the show may have had. i for one am glad he finally did the interview and cleared things up. i mean what a shocker! next thing you know joan rivers will do a 5 page spread for people magazine letting us know she has in fact had plastic surgery. or donald trump will do a story revealing that he actually does use , or over use, hair products. or what about the story hugh hefner will undoubtedly do letting us in on the fact that he does employ the services viagra provides (or some other bedroom 'aid'.)

of course this all supposed to read sarcastically as i could care less about his homosexuality. he is still an overly dramatic singer in my opinion and thats whether he likes guys named kris allen or girls named...well kris allen! hehe, in the article he also dishes about his crush on kris allen...yuck

mall walkers

2009-06-13T21:41:00.002-04:00

really?

seriously?

you cant go to a track or nearby neighborhood? or hell i dont know... the gym?

the mall? really? well lets just try and find the easiest place to 'workout'. i think theres a spa around the corner if you want to do some lunges or maybe jog, i mean, walk in place.

just sayin

BACON!!!

2009-06-11T21:53:00.003-04:00

i seriously thought this was a joke when i first heard it.

i dont know how or what would possess someone to actually take the time to even try and see if this would even taste okay. i mean at what point of ones day are they actually even around vodka and bacon at the same time? okay okay well maybe on a cheeseburger or something while at a bar but the question remains, who would ever think to combine the two?? i think there are just somethings that OUGHT NOT be allowed to be mixed in some irrational, obscure contraption and bacon is absolutely on this list!...gross

i find it pretty funny that the bottle has it listed as a 'premium bacon flavored vodka'...riiiiight. i think they should have went with a 'preposterous bacon flavored vodka.' i know the saying 'dont knock it til you try it' but that crap simply cannot be applied to everything!

if i ever find the following on a restaurant menu, i promise i will politely gather my stuff, and head for the nearest exit. what would you do if you found these items on a menu:

salsa flavored milkshake

omlette flavored wine

vanilla ice cream with bell peppers

ham cheesecake

...and of course bacon flavored vodka

i feel sick to my stomach talking about it so i'll stop there.

ghost in the staircase remix

2009-06-04T14:57:00.003-04:00

i recently posted one of my favorite pics and thought i'd share the work my wife did to change it up some.

the bible leaves out the part that satan was actually reincarnated

2009-05-30T20:54:00.004-04:00

thats right folks! well thats the only logical explanation of this crap. i mean just look at the things! how is that not demonic?!

i havent the slightest as to who actually purchases the sugary, lard, celluite mixture. (sorry but they just remind me of celluite in a bag). everything about the candy itself is a mystery to me. i mean why circus peanuts? my guess is that someone was infatuated with the circus and thought that naming a candy 'circus peanuts' would be a nice gesture. i dont have a problem with that per se, but why single out the peanuts? if anything the name should be 'circus droppings' because that is what they most resemble.

at any rate, beseech the masses that circus peanuts are the devil!!!

as katy perry sings, 'thats what you get for waking up in vegas!!'

2009-05-28T21:11:00.003-04:00

thats right, for memorial weekend i was in las vegas with a friend from college, my agent, and two other guys i met for the first time who are teaming up with him. anyway, long and foggy story short, i pretty much need another vacation to recover from the previous! as a result, im still dead tired and havent even had the time nor energy to write anything of substance...wait a second, this blog rarely has anything of substance! hmmm, well on that note.....

i havent even had the chance to gather my thoughts on the american idol finale, which sucked by the way. my final american idol dissertation will be up soon, but for the time being i figured i would just mention a few random tidbits i, for whatever reason, think about...

1. how come alex trebek and larry king look their age, but pat sajak and vanna white look like they've aged about 5 years over the past 2 decades?

2. how come very few sodas allow you to just pop the top and win a soda. now they all have that web address crap. yeah i'll do that for a soda??

3. i like bicycles but get irritated when people ride them ON the street NEXT TO bike path on the sidewalk! grrrr!

4. for whatever reason, i find personalized license plates incredibly ridiculous!

5. on a similar note, there should be some kind of law against how many bumper stickers are allowed on vehicles. one or two, though kinda cheesy in my opinion, is okay i suppose. but when people have like 600 stickers all over their cars i wanna like follow them until they stop somewhere and let all the air out of their tires and put one huge sticker on the windshield that reads 'WILL YOU STOP WITH THE STICKERS ALREADY!!!' sheesh

6. ive mentioned it before, but i cant believe mall chinese food is STILL even allowed to be served. even worse i cant believe i used to eat it! im going to write president obama a letter urging congress to shut them all down effective immediately!!...now thats change i can believe in! i was in kuwait and iraq during the superbowl with troops and was amazed at all the food options they had, burger king, mcdonalds, and starbucks were all options...one of the options also included one of those mall chinese 'food' places and one day we were trying to figure out what to eat when someone mentioned this crap joint. i immediately was like, 'oh hell no! i dont eat that crap stateside so i damn sure aint touching the junk over here in the dust capital of the world!'

7. so why is the spelling bee competition aired on sports center?? wait a sec, why is it even aired?

8. probably just me (yes it is i just checked) but the word 'rectify' could be the 'dirtiest' sounding word that actually isnt. kinda like the phrase 'stimulus package'.

9. i went to a pool party in vegas and im still dumbfounded that men actually wear thongs to the beach or pool. ESPECIALLY if they are overly hairy in 'that region'. come on guys, really? i mean do you own a mirror or have friends that will be honest and tell you that spreading nausea isnt nice.

10. two girls i find pretty hot that i didnt necessarily think so when they first stepped on the scene are katy perry and clay aiken...whats that?...thats a dude?!?!.............ahem, i mean, one girl i find pretty hot..........

11. the difference between 'warn' and 'forewarn' would be what?

12. im starting to think that 2 things i really enjoy are extremely contradictory. the fact that i love to sleep yet also love to stay up beyond the midnight hours is probably responsible for this confused, erratic, and absolutely silly blog!

protest of american idol...of sorts that is

2009-05-20T18:40:00.003-04:00

so i had the idea that to protest AI and the fact that allison was shown no love, i am going to subject myself to following:

no food for the next hour...actually make that 45 mins

no tv for the next hour

no internet for at least 15 mins. i know it pains me just to mention it folks

and lastly, i will comment on idol AFTER the winner is announced instead of my customary post before the elimination.i actually dont know why i think this represents a protest but it just is okay!

the ghost in the staircase

2009-05-18T20:10:00.004-04:00

i like trying different things with the camera to see what different looks i can create. the following pics are from the same...photo shoot?? yeah i actually conduct photo shoots with myself from time to time.

at any rate, this first pic is the intial pic i had in mind when i decided to be the subject of my own shoot. in a nutshell, i turned the flash off, the camera picked up on the light in the background and is able to snap the pic with the silhouette look. i also obviously put the camera in timer mode, pushed the button to take the pic, then trotted back upstairs to my 'deep thought' pose. apparently going shirtless makes one seem more 'deep'.

now the second pose was significantly later in the evening and after i had loaded them to my computer library. after reviewing the pics, i figured i would try a shot with the background off and the only lighting would be from the lighter/cigar combo. the only problem was, because i was the only person present, i couldnt exactly light the cigar AND snap the pic simultaneously. so i improvised and walked right up to the camera, lit the lighter directly in front of lens, then turned around and again trotted to my posing position. im guessing that because there were a few seconds of darkness and maybe i was moving some, the picture came out this way where im actually partially invisible! i got some what mad because i tried and tried to duplicate the pic yet came up short. i still got some pretty cool shots but nothing like the 'ghost in the staircase'.

you gotta fight for the right to party

2009-05-18T17:34:00.001-04:00

not sure how many have heard about the kid who was faced with the decision of going to his girlfriends prom, which would actually be going against his own schools beliefs on dancing, or go to the dance and face penalties from his school which include suspension. he goes to a rather strict christian private school and part of attending the school means one has to sign off on the schools beliefs, and of course, no dancing is one of the things he signed off on. long story short, he ended up going to the dance and in turn was suspended and wont be able to take his final exams NOR graduate with the rest of his class. now i gotta say, i find his schools views to be extremely strict and primitive, but i guess the adage, 'to each his own' fits here. the fact that the school is archaic in some of its precepts is irrelevant because the family knew this when they signed their kid up. the point that honestly saddens me is the fact the school can, or better yet, desire to control peoples behavior OUTSIDE of the school grounds and hours. again i know the family apparently read and signed the agreement and should catch a lot of the blame for him not graduating on time, but i just cannot get over the fact that this school, and others like it, would try and 'legislate' what they deem 'good' behavior. i think that for 'good behavior' to be true 'good behavior', it absolutely has to come from the heart not legislated. one can follow rules and precepts WITHOUT a heart change or even a desire for them. schools as these seem to be more concerned with 'aesthetics' and people portraying their version of what they think God wants everyone to adhere to, rather than allowing people to grow and mature and find out who they are as an individual. in my opinionit is better for people to find out who they are and what they believe, as opposed to, being told who they are and what to believe. obviously im not saying that all rules should be abolished but i just dont see how dancing falls into the realm of what the school should or shouldnt allow while AWAY from the school grounds.

thats just my humble opinion though

AI commentary...even though i have half a mind to not watch the show anymore because allison is no longer on the show.

2009-05-13T17:21:00.002-04:00

after last weeks elimination show, i found myself wondering what the worse part of the show was. the fact that allison didnt make it through really turns my stomach, but the fact that paula performed really killed the nights show and not to mention, really put a damper on any intentions i may have had of 'intimate moments' later if you know what i mean. (wink wink) i mean really, how could i expect to 'perform' after watching and listening to her perform ya dig?

anyway, my allison is gone and the show officially sucks. but like the circus, the show must go on and this show starts with the judges and ryan orange-crest...ahem, thats seacrest. i apologize for the mix up, but is it just me or is ryans face getting more orange every week? he either has been spending waaay too much time in the tanning bed or...i wonder if the swine flu can be spread through dirty tweezers or nail filing boards? hmmm

speaking of going on, randy was back at it w/ the cardigans. i like a cardigan from time to time, but good lord, can we take a timeout? can we let them have some alone time in the closet? dawg? what? what? what? that right there? what? dawg? dude? dude?

as ive said before, i do like kara as a judge WAY more now than i did from the beginning. the only hang up i have is that i find her really bothersome to watch as she gives her critiques. this was soooo evident for me yesterday. i could feel myself wanting to look away as she went on and on with her flailing mannerisms and over annunciation of every adjective and verb.

and lastly, for the record, sometimes the paula and simon 'play fights' get kinda annoying. it takes up too much time away from the actual show and its not funny. i must admit that i do like when simon has that 'damn who farted' expression on his face while paula attempts to offer words of nothingness. (that doesnt event make sense but it kinda does all things considered) i mean what are the people supposed to say when they hear, 'i think..you were magical...like a..unicorn....yet sweet like candycorn.....you werent runny......like cream corn..you were fresh like corn...is corn fresh?...and i must say.....you look adorable tonight.....you commanded...that stage like......a pro....a pro of singing good! here is where she signals to us she's finished by clapping that odd clap only she could do. all this is met with confused faces and the brief awkward silence. what else could one expect? i mean she sounds like what it would sound like if someone were to attempt to translate some ancient hieroglyphic.

anyway enough about paula and her stammering delivery. lets get on to the contestants...that all suck, btw, and couldnt hold allison's jock (or bra in this case).

kris- zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. i am simply not a fan. i thought he left alot of proverbial meat on the proverbial bone with the song 'apologize' while the second song was so unbelievably ridiculous i almost dont even want to comment. almost. randy had the audacity to say that was better than kanye's version! easy there big fella. why dont you take a breather and maybe loosen your cardigan some because that version wreaked! my brother was amongst those who liked it, but his musical ear stinks! he's in the air force and has been in war situations. im thinking that due to the war time experience and shrapnel possibly lodged in his ear canals, he is unfit to say whether this song is good or bad. hehe

donna summers was way over the top yesterday. i thought the theatrics were pushed to the max with the U2 song and the aerosmith song was typical. and by typical i mean the regular loud banshee like shriek that breaks glass, relieves constipation, causes dogs to run for cover and im almost positive it has something to do with the swine flu outbreak.

i couldnt stand danny's first song and paula should not be allowed to choose songs! it wasnt a terrible performance considering what he was given to work with. now the second song was absolutely amazing. i really hope it was enough to get him through to the finals.

so my guess is that kris will be eliminated tonight and danny will face off against adam in the finals only lose before the show even starts.