eloquent tokens

hey sorry for the delay, but ive been busy doing alot of amazing things the last few days. i mean i dont mean to brag but im literally the sweetest person i know. ive been donating my precious time to some precious causes. its been tough because im already an amazing father and outstanding husband and that zaps alot of my time. they were fortunate i was fortunate enough to be able to speak at a few very distinguished events within the community and...what can i say, they were lucky i was lucky to be free chosen. just to name a few of the places ive been the last few days: i went to a gala
for "teaching heidi pratt basic math skills foundation" and it was really great. i also shook hands at a lovely dinner party for the "council of teaching domino's pizza how to use tomato sauce that doesnt taste like butt and feet." that was an amazing dinner. then there was the smaller mixer benefitting the "loose stools. again" committee which was put on by taco bell. now this wasnt as big an event as, say, the "can you say loserville" put on by the folks at skinny jeans, but what gave the taco bell mixer a stronger impact was ceo Kevin O.PECTATE gave a moving yet lengthy talk and, long story short, there wasnt a dry eye in the building.

so, as i said before, if that doesnt say sweetness, i dont know what does. not only do i think so, my friends linda and small town girl also apparently think so. apparently. they both bestowed the same award on my stoic shoulders. as with all awards they come with rules that you are supposed to follow with the emphasis on 'supposed'. i do what my wife tells meever i want so im going to bend them a bit. the rules state that i must state 7 things that ive mastered, but being the vigilante that i am, im going to make a different list. what you are about to read is not a list of 7 things ive mastered, because ive only mastered one thing and that one thing is randomness. thats right, sometimes i make shit up. so im listing 7 examples of my mastery of randomocity....well actually the beginning was pretty silly too so...whatever. anyway be forewarned, this could get ugly.....




1) Speaking of forewarned. You ever wonder what the difference is between the words 'warn' and 'forewarn'? Well I did, so I looked them up. it said forewarned meant to warn in advance?? so how is that different from just a regular warning? arent all warnings beforehand? i mean if I was about to punch someone in the lip and warned them after the fact, that wouldn't be a warning would it? That would be more like a reminder.

2) Is it just me or does m&m's have too many options now. They have recently come out with a pretzel filled m&m. How silly is that? It should just be plain or peanut with a possible special edition candy. I mean that's not even an m&m anymore. next thing you know they'll have an m&m filled with beef jerky. then after the beef jerky they'll surely come out with the m&m thats actually a skittle. and naturally after that, the m&m filled with salad dressing will line our shelves and thats just disgusting.

3) Have you seen? the smurfs are getting redone. They're supposed to be more up to date or current looking. I don't know about all that, but I do know thinking of the smurfs always makes me think at least 3 things: 1) when the smurfs sing "the blues", do they call it the "me's"? 2) for the longest i was convinced that it was only acceptable to fart in public if you were very young or very old. Well at least that's what the lady at bed bath and beyond told me. just recently ive decided to add 'being a smurf' to this list simply because the male to female ratio is overwhelmingly in favor of the alpha smurf. so basically for the male smurfs, 99% of their day is spent amongst other male smurfs and that equals, well....fart away. 3) and consequently, no matter how little smurfette dates, she will always be considered the town whore.

4. So I assume I'm not alone in my thinking that there are about 3 too many settings on most toasters. I mean every time I somehow manage to burn my toast, I immediately think "shit." I'm absolutely not thinking "shit...I wish there was a setting for it."

5. So if a unitard is a single and completely irrelevant article of clothing, a unicycle is a single wheel used mainly by clowns or other circus performers, and unibrow is a single and ridiculous strip of hair across the eyes, then why does unisex mean its for anyone and not a single sex? I mean its for men AND women. and unibrow offenders alike. Wouldn't that make it at least bisexual? Its pretty confusing actually, but I at least know the terror we all know as skinny jeans are bi-curious.

6. I've said before that if I were an atheist, I would point to snakes and spiders as evidence there is no god, because he had to have foreseen that crap movies like snakes on a plane and 8 legged freaks would find their way to our movie theaters and what kind of loving god would do that to us? I'd also like to add another ammo shell to the atheist arsenal...parrots. Yes parrots. More specifically, I'm referring to parrots that talk. Now there are at least, what, a bazillion different types of animals. And its out of this vast array of animals that I find it odd that parrots got the speaking voice. I mean parrots?! Really? They just seem like they would have the worst and most horrible speaking voice. And lo and behold they do. it really is terrible and aggravating. Its like even more annoying than the racket produced by a centipede on a 1000 crutches. and now that i think about it, I bet the rhinoceros would have the coolest voice. I bet it'd sound like a mixture of barry white and optimus prime while smoking a cigar.

7. so i was at chuck e cheese the other day and as usual, i couldnt have got out of there any sooner than i finally did. every time i leave that wretched establishment my ears are always ringing like 6 bees landed in my ear. chuck e cheese is a pretty cool place despite the loudness and the having to dodge an occassional abomination kid that is severely underwatched by his parents. not to mention that its one of few places that carry mellow yello on tap. after we found a crumb ridden booth to sit, i just sat back and people watched for a good 15 minutes. as i scanned the room, i saw what looked to be an 8 year old birthday party. i then saw another birthday party a few tables over but this kid was a little older. i then noticed all the balloons and bags said happy 13 birthday...happy 13?! isnt 13 a little too old for a chuck e cheese party? i mean isnt that a silly way to usher in your teenage years?? i just cant see celebrating my 13th with creepy human sized puppets and 8 year old humans. then again i did see this same kid literally skipping around from game to game. i feel pretty confident in saying that 13 is definitely a little too old for skipping to be acceptable. i have a 10 year old daughter and she doesnt even skip much. although she has always come across as more mature than her age because she carries herself so eloquently. but then again she does tend to argue with her brother and sister over who got more tokens. chuck e cheese will do that to a person. it will make you want to party with puppets. it will inspire you to skip, even though you're past the skipping age limit. and with all the video games present, you will possibly act less eloquently when shiny tokens are present.



thank you again miss linda and small town girl. you gals are amazing and i get butterflies in my tummy whenever i see you guys have commented on something ive wrote. please, visit them now and visit them often.

ADD

lets go!


now ive said before, countless times actually, in real life and blog city, that im terrible at math. now thats not to say that i cant add and subtract and all that simple kind of stuff. but i do in fact still hate it. i mean i hate it more than joan rivers must have hated not looking waxy.

especially in regards to school and that you have to be able to do it to graduate. i mean past adding and subtracting, its all pretty much null and void right?

i mean i dont remember the last time i used algebra, but i do remember the last time i added my change up when i paid with a 100 dollar bill. thats alot of change and you wanna make sure you get all your change right? i mean its not everyday you get to pay with a 100 dollar bill. the only reason i had one was because i finally won one of those scratch off lotto tickets from the gas station down the street.

i had tons of change because most of my winnings was spent on gas, candy and a few more tickets.

after i took my sack of goodies and correctly added change, i handed the bag to my wife so she could disperse of the treats to the wolves kids and what not. while rifling through the plastic sack desperately, she daintily looked up at me and said, "you didnt get me a blow pop?"

i demeaningly looked at her and said, "yes i did. i got one for everybody. cant you add?"

she confidently looked back in the sack and said, "oh. i see it now. besides. that wouldnt mean i couldnt add it would just mean i couldnt find my blow pop..." which is true i must say. i also gotta admit that, if i thought i wasnt getting a blow pop, i'd be dainty too. blow pops are that great. i mean its candy and gum. who doesnt love that?

well there is that whole bad for your teeth thing and all. i mean it is candy and gum? there hasnt been a more formidable tandem of mayhem since that vicious bobby brown and crack thing. but make no mistake, blow pops are awesome. and speaking of mayhem, you wanna know what isnt awesome?...good & plenty.

have you ever tried them? well if you havent, just trust what i tell you when i say its the worst 'candy' ever to sit and collect space and take up dust. ew. i think a more fitting name would be bad and scarce. i mean calling it good & plenty is more confusing than the lone ranger fiasco. if you think about it, the lone ranger has a partner? thats right. the lone ranger has a partner?? whats that all about? at first we're all like, 'hey check out this new badass. he's so badass he doesnt even need a partner. he's lone.'

but then we're like, 'hey what the hell? why does the lone ranger have a partner?'..(kisses teeth) lone ranger. more like the tandem ranger. talk about not being able to add. how is even possible to mess up that counting? its either one/lone or two/tandem. ranger. it cant be a mix of the two. i mean one??...wait. whatever?? what was i saying again? oh yeah, i hate math with a passion of the christ, but then again i am a bit ADD.

picking wise

it was friday evening. it was after school and after homework and a hearty meal. i gathered the kids together on the couch to share what i had spent the last few weeks writing. i wanted this to be special or hopefully impact their lives for the better for many years to come. i wanted everything to be just right so i let the sizzle and crackle of the fireplace be the only noise in the room so they could focus and meditate on what i was about to speak. as they all sipped their hot cocoa and finished their crumpets, i turned off the tv to signify that i was about to go socrates on them.

on the chair next to me, i had set up what i was going use as my visual aid covered by a patterned blanket. at just the right moment, i began my speech.....



"ya know kids, ive been around and know quite a bit about how life works. i mean, kiera, when you were born i was 22 years old, in college, and working. i was all but forced to mature rather quickly and i hate to brag, but after 3 kids, i find myself to be a wise man. anyway, i saw this and knew i had to have it because it speaks the wisdom and knowledge that i desperately want to teach you 3."


it was going great. i unveiled my woodly wisdom which i found online. it was titled '5 simple rules' and when i saw it, i ordered it and immediately began to plan this moment. these 5 simple rules would usher my kids into an understanding of life that would never fail them. i hadnt quite got around to writing out all my words for the last two points, but i figured i would just let the momentum from the previous 3 propel me into my conclusion.

i continued...


"guys. its really simple. first off live everyday like its your last. dont take anything for granted and.....sammy, please take your fingers out of your nose when im talking to you. thats very rude, okay, and not to mention distracting. im trying to share somethings right now that are very important and i need your full attention. not half of it."


my son is the youngest and easily the most rambunctious of the lot.


"hehe half of it?? how would you even measure that?" said my oldest and wisest ass of the three.

"you know what i mean. just pay attention is what im trying to get at....jadyn are you snoring?"

"but dad this is so boring and im already sleepy from the cocoa. are you almost done or what?"


my middle is just that. THAT middle child and always speaks her mind even if its borderline rude.


"okay guys! listen, ive spent alot of time trying to get this just right, can you just give me a moment of your time? i mean the next thing i wanted to talk about fits perfectly. you have got to learn all you can. whether it be in school or 'on the streets', you have got to learn all you can. learn from your mistakes. learn when to speak up and when to keep quiet...like now. you can never learn too much and...kiera? do you have to practice gymnastics right now?"

"im just working on my routine dad."

"NOW?"

"well why not?"

"oh i dont know, maybe because i asked you guys to sit down and listen to my simple rules speech! ya know what, im going to try and not even get angry, because my next point speaks on the importance of laughter. a wise man once said, 'laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life. guys you gotta learn to laugh"

"dad"

"yeah sammy"

"i laughed today and it really was good"


finally someone was listening



"see! thank you for that my one and only son! what were you able to laugh at and how did it affect your young life? wanna talk about it?"

"today in school. my teacher sat in her seat funny and it made a fart noise. we all laughed."

"uhhh, first off take your fingers out of your nose. secondly, thats not what i was getting at."

"what do you mean?"

"i mean, when i say laugh, i mean...jadyn? really? are you juggling?"

"no not any more."

"yeah not now that i said something you arent! please, just sit down so i can go on to the next one!"

"dad?"

"WHAT SAMMY?!"

"whats gravity?"

"gravity? why?"

"i heard it at school."

"okay maybe another time sammy."

"dad?"

"......yes sammy"

"why are butterfingers so crumbly?"

"...cmon. are you serious right now? why are your fingers always in your nose? i dont get that."



it was not going as i planned. i had 4 pages of hard hitting life lessons and they werent listening. they were more side-tracked than the village people at an all male mud wrestling event. i went through the first 3 with little to zero success and was scrambling. i had no momentum and little prepared on the last two points, "love" and "life". i continued my plight through "love" and had to endure the onslaught of more random questions. my son asked about bassoons, my middle asked why quicksand was pretty slow, and my oldest asked why jumbo shrimp were still rather small. this wasnt looking good. i perked up for my last hurrah and decided to give it my all.



"kids. look i know you havent heard a single word ive said, but please just gimme 5 minutes to make my last point. okay?"

"sure dad." they all said in unison.

"okay. the last simple rule is...life?? wait hold on a sec..."

"umm dad?"

"not now kiera."

"but dad! to 'life' technically isnt a rule per se."

"well...i know. but its like its the sum of the previous 4."

"okay?? but whats the name of that thing?"

"its called 'the 5 simple rules' why?"

"well because you like gathered us here making us sit down and stuff saying something about 5 rules or whatever but you should have been saying 'i have 4 rules and their sum.' did you pay for that thing??"

"ahem...first of all, you are grounded. second of all, yes i paid for it. i got it out of the skymall. and third of all, sammy get your fingers out of your nose!"

kung fu-y

i feel like ive been missing my 'medicine' by not confessing as i have in the past. i feel like things are 'not right' when i dont get my weekly confessional in. well all thats about to change because im about to spew. as an added bonus, i will reveal where i lied or told the truth regarding my post a few days ago. anyway, without further ado, my confessions according to me hosted by the oh so pretty glamazon. please stop by her page and join the confessional posse. this one is a little late but like i said, i need my meds like an anteater needs 6 bounty rolls when he gets a bloody nose. anyway, here goes something...


1.) i could eat biscuits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner



2.) i like sweater vests. (believe it or not that is NOT the confession part) i like them over something like a button down or polo or even a white tshirt depending on the sweater. (cue the confessional music) i DO NOT, however, trust men who wear sweater vests with no shirt underneath....dont ask. just trust me on this one.



3.) i used to eat chinese food from those mall chinese food places like 'the panda bear'. im just saying, those places just seem so overwhelmingly disgusting to me now. i think they use real panda in their lo-mein. seriously they put the "e" in "e-coli" and the "shit" in "shiitake"....


3.5) this one is #3.5 because i confess that i wanted to go on about how 'shiitake' kinda looks like the words 'shit' and 'take' were scrunched together and how that it fits perfect in the given context.




4.) i confess that i had this text convo with my brother the other night. for the record, he's pretty damn random himself and SHOULD be blogging as well and our text convo's are epic...

my brother- hey do you think gwen stefani is pretty?

me- yeah she's okay

my brother- yeah me too. what the hell is a holla back girl anyway?...

me- i dont know but its bananas...B-A-N-A-N-A-S




5.) i confess that i like poetry. well some of it anyway. i mean would have pursued it more in high school if i wasnt so low self esteem-y and thought everyone one would make fun of me because they said i liked fagg-y things. haikus were my favorite. they're short. they're witty. they're intense. all this plus the name sounds so kung fu-y.



6.) the other morning i said to my wife, 'uhhh, why is there glitter in my shoes?'...pretty sure that if you've also said this before, you either have kids with school projects or an 'alternate lifestyle'.



7.) i used to work at sea world of texas in san antonio. the job was pretty cool i suppose, but it did have its annoying bits too. what with all the rules about not jumping in with the dolphins stuff?? i mean whats that all about? but easily most annoying was when the people i worked with would come to their job ON THEIR DAY OFF! these same people would be bitching about work and the restaurant when they were there, but as soon as they had a day off, they would come to the park and annoy the people working. i still see it today though. people come in and think its the coolest thing when in actuality...its not. at all. and its annoying. its more annoying than mr and mrs pac-man on speed.


8.) im pretty sure ive worn the pair of jeans i wore today for too many consecutive days. i dont know what the 'shelf life' is for jeans, but im pretty sure i passed it recently. i mean if they were an apple or milk they'd be all lumpy and mushy.


9.) i read magazines starting from the back


10.) i hate people reading what i write BEFORE im done. seriously my wife and i split up for 6 weeks because she once glanced over my shoulder while i was typing.


11.) i google things. my most recent trip to googledom was this: 10 fun things to do in wyoming. i wasnt impressed and im almost positive i wont be going. this is what came back:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7. not get eaten by the children of the corn
8. visit the cardboard box plant
9. skipping downtown
10. meet the inventor of the word boring




wow now that was some soul bearing/clearing stuff, but now its time for the not so big reveal. in the post, i listed 7 things and you were supposed to figure out if i listed 6 truths and a lie ~or~ 6 lies and one truth. well most of you did guess that i listed 6 truths and lie, but only one person got the lie right. ironically it was the glamazon who guessed right. this is what i listed:

1. i would sell my liver to be a jedi knight for a year.
2. i have a faint scar on my lower back that i received while showing off for my son and his friends in a bounce house.
3. in the 8th grade, i was in a gang for 2 weeks.
4. i have a tad bit of social anxiety.
5. if betty white was 60 years younger or i was 100 years older, we would be dating.
6. im terrible at math.
7. i once won a dancing contest


1. hell yeah i would!
2. actually true and it hurt like hell too.
3. nope never in a gang although my friends and i did come close. too tough for our own good i guess
4. actually true, but i manage okay most of the time
5. also true. somehow??
6. see #5
7. yeah buddy! im a beast! i did a salsa/hip hop thing. still trying to get my man card back too ; )


so the lie was being in a gang but like i said, my friends and i almost entered one for some apparent reason and im guessing the reason was because i was either: trying to offset the fact that i liked poetry or that i was looking for an outlet for my kung-fu

dude

you know how they say oil and water dont go together? or whitney houston and bobby brown? or chinese food and breakfast? or lindsay lohan and rationalism? well ive got a similar situation going on in my life too. truth is its been going on for as long as i can remember. the fact that i like to stay up late at nite AND that i love sleep in truly is a pairing made in satan's armpit. i mean there is minimal good that can come out of repeatedly leaning on the snooze bar every morning all the while staying up late channel surfing or surfing the web even. my mornings are doomed and i, not to mention, often wake up more frustrated than heidi montag looking at this math problem "9+4=__ ..show your work".

again there is very minimal good that comes out of my channel surfing binges. the funny thing is i rarely even watch a full show. i just sorta go from channel to channel, stopping only when my eye catches something. the other funny thing is that i mostly watch the infomercials and make fun of em or i watch the commercials and i make fun of them too. the laughter tends to keep me up longer into the night though. ive tried counting sheep and even numbering bottles of beer on the wall, but by 23 bottles of beer or 11 sheep im like, 'dude...shut up already.' when counting gets too tedious and aggravating i sometimes try ambien, a prescription level sleeping pill. what is funny about this that sometimes the ambien makes the commercials/infomercials even more hilarious because it really makes you loopy if you try and stay awake. actually i try not to take most sleeping aids because i always feel so groggy in the morning. but i did hear melatonin is great for help in sleeping and you can get it without a prescription so i decided i'd give it a try. so the other day i went to 'rite-aid' looking for the 'right aid' hoping they'd have some i could try. if they didnt, my 'right aid' would have to involve a trip to the liquor store. its raining outside and the thunder is crashing like earthquakes. maybe the rain will help me rest up and im sure turning off the tv would help but its just too enticing.

when i was flipping through the channels, i stopped at this one guy doing one of those 'motivational talks'/cd's/seminars. you know the type. similar to a tony robbins. i forget what the guys name was but he at least looked like he could motivate. i mean he walked and talked like he invented the word motivation. he would stand there and talk about god knows what, but he did it so proudly looking. like a statuesque elk in the appalachian mountains. on the other hand, jillian michaels from 'biggest loser' and 'that new show' show she's on doesnt seem the motivating type for some reason. or maybe its not that she isnt a good motivator, but that the idea of the show is so ridiculous to me. she seems to be more on the side of trying to deliver some poignant speech than offer dieting tips. its like all i can see when they show her and she's supposed to be delivering some encouraging and heartfelt spiel about 'doing better', is how many times the director had to yell 'CUT' to get the speech just right. thats why i hate reality tv shows. they are so NOT reality. give me the elk dude any day.


the tv also informed me of all the new cleaning scents they have for floor cleaners and what not. strangely enough, whenever i think of floor cleaners im instantly beamed back to the days of my childhood and how my brother and i would always spend the night at our friend richard's house. we had the best sleepovers over there. we would play video games, eat cookies and pizza until we passed out from the grease and sugar rush. in light of all the fun we had, i most remember going over there and smelling the overwhelmingly strong pine sol she had just used to douse the floors with. richard's mom was great because she was the type that felt if she was having company, she had to have everything perfect. even if her guests were 12 year old dudes that most likely wouldnt even notice until much later and when one of them was writing a blog about it. so we'd get tons of sweets even though, in return, we would most likely spill on her freshly cleaned floors or drop slimy pizza slices face down on her carpet. i swear she had a pine sol iv coursing through her floors. they smelled incredibly strong but its like she mixed regular smell good products with the pine sol, because her kitchen always smelled like pine cones dipped in honey and, again, those damn floors were clean as a whistle! they were squeaky clean! they were squeakier than virgin mouse.


i always look at products they sell now in regards to mouth cleanliness and think things like, 'dude. we have toothbrushes with grips on them, ions in our toothpaste, and vanilla flavored mouth wash??' i mean, how vigorously do people brush their teeth that they need a comfort a grip? its just all so crazy to me. appreciative of course, but still crazy nonetheless. i remember a teacher i had in middle school that would have definitely benefitted from the technological advances because apparently they werent around at the time or she hadnt heard. when i say her teeth and breath needed some work, trust me, it was really bad. i mean i wish i had taken the apple for your teacher thing literally because i would have stopped everyday and picked up an apple if it meant me not having to endure her outdoorsy breath. it smelled like a pet store and im almost positive she brushed her teeth with sugary icing. i really wish some of those ions would have invaded her mouth and teeth so i wouldnt have been so fearful of asking questions and risk her approaching my desk and watering my eyes. i did make that mistake a few times and am positive she's the reason im terrible at math. every time i would submit and ask a question, i would nearly die of the anticipation that she would feel the need to come to my desk. each time i would ask the question, my eyes would be wider than a paranoid owl and within minutes i would either be breathing a sigh of relief because she answered while sitting at her desk, or i would be in the nurses office asking for a cold towel for my forehead and toothbrush so i could rid my mouth of the taste of vomit. damn...now we both need vanilla mouthwash.


my wife and i dont exactly have a 'green thumb'. i mean the closest we get is when we brave my sons laundry basket without gloves. there are tons of things sold that are supposed to help you get a nice yard if you so desire. we dont, but if thats your thing, there are TONS of things you can put on your grass to get rid of weeds and crabgrass. there was this guy in our neighborhood that would always yell at us for playing in or even near his yard. he was always afraid we'd kick a ball in his petunias, trample through his manicured grass, or our dogs would defecate or hump too much in his yard. we would all be like 'dude. relax already. is it really that serious?'. whenever we'd be near his house, i'd undoubtedly think at least three things: 1) your yard is my dogs bathroom. get over it. 2) your yard is like a doggie motel or something because all the neighborhood dogs seem to go there to hump.....3) dont ALL animals technically 'do it' doggystyle? if so, why exactly did dogs get the credit?


oh well, as the rain continues so does my channel hopping. hopefully i'll doze off before that off air programming starts annoyingly buzzing. channel surfing? who started calling it that anyway? its really an odd term when you think about it. i mean did the surfers invent the term? my best guess is that one night some surfer guy was up late talking a friend and said, 'dude. you know how we pound waves and crash through the water almost daily? well thats what it feels like im doing to the channels right now.'




ps- im doing the big reveal to my previous post on friday as part of my friday confessional. if you havent guessed which i listed, please read my last post and see if you can figure out what told yall.

100 years

whew. has it been a week already? that is entirely too long to deprive you guys of me and i know you've been waiting in anticipation of my next post. right? well maybe not, but i know of at least two people that still think im okay. in fact, they think im so okay that they awarded me with awards. now i know some dont dig the awards, which is cool, but i do. especially when cool bloggers are the bestow-ers. i was given the plastic joy award by the glamma glamma glamazon mormon mom and the creative writer award by the small town girl with big time coolness

i first found the glamazon via the friday confessional she hosts every friday. its been therapeutic. its been awesome. its even been a marriage enhancer. my wife no longer has to hear as much of the nonsense i have floating around my skull. now, she can just read it if she chooses, things are kosher, and i have the glamazon to thank. when you visit her page, tell her i sent you and you will instantly receive a prize...

the details of this award are quite......ahem......different. you are supposed to name 5 celebrities you would like to make 'whoopy' with and then pass the award on to 5 others. when i first read the details of the award i was like wait, make whoopy with?? what year is this and i thought her title said 'mormon' in it? 'cool'. but then my dissenting side surfaced. now overall, im a pretty good guy. i mean just ask me or anyone else i direct you to ask. well im not like buddhist boy scout nice, but generally speaking, im a stand up guy. i mean if whitney houston and i were to have married back in the day, her career wouldnt have derailed so terribly and we'd still be singing her praises instead of remembering that she actually said 'crack is whack' in public. anyway, like i was saying, my dissenter side surfaced and i decided to go against the grain and choose a different list of 5 celebrities. i my wife made me and is literally looking over my shoulder as i type this while making mean faces decided to list 5 celebrities that an awful lot of people find attractive, but i happen to disagree. to each his own right...

1. penelope cruz



2. sarah jessica parker








3. megan fox


4. kirsten dunst





5. nicole kidman






6. cameron diaz







am i crazy? hehe its all good if you think so. you say 'tomato', i say 'tomato'.......well i guess that saying doest exactly translate as well when written but you know what i mean.

also, you'll notice there are six women listed but the rules of the award say 5. thats because #3 is a TOTAL lie because i think megan fox is very attractive, plus my wife went to the bathroom. she's an average actress, but definitely hot. i think thats a good start to the rules of the next award....



the creative writing award states that i must list 6 truths and/or lies and one truth or lie about myself and you are supposed to figure out which im listing. its like a communal award. the small town girl and i have never met, but ive already stated that we will meet at some unspecified time in the future to share a drink or twenty two. she is a texan and a sleepwalker. both of which i find to be awesome characteristics. ive felt that way about texans since, well, forever, but as for the sleepwalkers, ive only recently discovered this likability factor. i have her to thank for that, as well as, the laughs i experience every time i visit her page. i wonder if she will be able to figure out what im listing here because i bombed when it came to picking hers. lets see what you guys come up with. i find it fairly easy because, well, because im writing this, but also because im doing mine pretty silly like. so which is it? what did i list, 6 truths and a lie or 6 lies and a truth?

1. i would sell my liver to be a jedi knight for a year.
2. i have a faint scar on my lower back that i received while showing off for my son and his friends in a bounce house.
3. in the 8th grade, i was in a gang for 2 weeks.
4. i have a tad bit of social anxiety.
5. if betty white was 60 years younger or i was 100 years older, we would be dating.
6. im terrible at math.
7. i once won a dancing contest


haha like i said, i find this extremely easy to decipher, but i want to know what you think? would i really sell my liver? should i have listed betty white in the original rules of the plastic joy award? the suspense is just too intense.



thank you glamazon and small town girl, you gals are great and i appreciate you thinking of me for the awards. i mean its not everyday one gets to post plastic porn on their page or have the opportunity to deceive without consequence.