Monday, July 12, 2010

run along

im proud of my son. he really has made some tremendous strides in this just his seventh year of life. to put it bluntly, just a short few months ago, he was a wild wild boy. a great kid for damn sure, but to say the least, he was wild and his wildness would often land him in hot water with:mom, dad, sister1, sister2, babysitter(s), our puppy, principal(s), girls in general, and lunch ladies.

as i said, he is 7 and already into girls too. he would have all these pictures of girls cut out from magazines and hide them under his pillow or do double takes when a pretty girl walked by and ask all these questions that made you wonder just what the hell your kids did after we went to bed. did they sneak out of bed and watch all kinds of "adult tv"? he's asked about girls boobs and butts and kissing and have i mentioned his age yet? he's 7.

i guess im partly to blame for that too. not that i leave adult movies and magazines lying around, thats what that 'one drawer' is for. i mean im partly to blame because he does have my blood and i guess i had a little somethin somethin to do with his brain construction, but even at the pinnacle of my youthful wildness, i was never as crazy as he once was. i was crazy...just not to the degree of my boy.

to ease my nerves, my wife would often point out that i turned out okay and for that reason we should think positive. she would point out that i used to get in trouble not only for looking under girls dresses, but also for stealing packs of bubble gum, throwing tater tots, peeing on top of the toilet seat(s) and of course putting sand in that one kids pork and beans (dont ask. they were his favorite). she said she bet watching me 'move about' as a youngster was like watching a hurricane. hell even those rare times where i would just sit and chill and sorta 'think to myself' was like watching a tidal wave. but watching me 'move about' nowadays was like watching a peaceful panda eat cotton candy and those rare times when i just sit and 'think to myself' is like looking at a still meadow with lilies and fire flies. with this rather humbling description in mind, i purposefully watched my son and tried to take notice of what i saw in him within the same contexts my wife offered to me...i swear all i saw while looking at him 'move about' was that it looked like i was watching a fourth of july firework display in a dragons mouth. and while watching him NEVER sit still and 'think to himself' was like watching an elementary school of fish flee a college of piranha.

but like i said, he's seemingly grown up from all that and is turning into a pleasant little fella. he's even getting along with his sisters alot better. its been a completely different story with my daughters though. they rarely get in trouble and rarely create moments where my wife and i think we'll be completely gray within 5 years.

i'd be lying if i said my wife and i werent moderately concerned that the boredom ensemble known as 'summer' would trigger a relapse from my son simply because he had more time to wreak havoc and create a stir. we've traveled only a little bit back to texas, so for the most part we try and keep busy around the house or just out and about around town. theres only so much dave n busters or chuck e cheese visiting before i want to pull my teeth out, so we try to spread those around wisely. we've already busted out the slip and slide complete with baby oil for that extra slippage...

**tangent alert** why does baby oil always seem sexual sounding? i mean all it does is make my wifes butt shiny and slappable and her breasts glisten like syrup on a warm plate and accentuate her curves and......oh.....thats why....**tangent over**

we've even gone as far as to make and throw water balloons at each other to help cool off from the blistering sun. but even that got to be aggravating because i would always end up having to play referee because one of the kids thought the other hit them too hard or whatever, plus they werent the best at making balloons on their own. one day our kitchen had so much water strewn across the wall and floors that it looked like an earthquake took a shower without the curtain.

luckily the thing they do the most is play out front. they play everything from basketball, baseball, kickball, draw stuff, and play tag. my wife found some chalk at target that is supposed to look 3D if you put on the special glasses so that kept them intrigued for a good couple hours. its been hotter than satans balls at a texas track meet lately so my wife busted out the tang on ice for them and the margaritas for us while they literally destroyed everything in sight played. they would come up to us every now and again to show us some squished bug or to get more tang. we enjoy seeing and receiving art pieces our kids have artistically created but that all came to a screeching halt a few days ago when my oldest daughter kiera scared the hell out of us when we stumbled across a chalk drawing of hers...

kiera- what do you mean? whats wrong with drawing it??
wife- sweetie you are entirely too young to be drawing this kind of stuff. how do you know about it?
kiera- well when will i be old enough??
me- NEVER!
wife- hush sammy...well sweetie, there isnt an exact age or anything, but trust us, you are too young for this now. how do you know about this?
kiera- well mr. flint our health teacher always points it at us when we talk in class when we arent supposed to be.
kiera- for what?? alot of teachers point their fingers at us kids.
me- I DONT CARE WHO....wait what did you say?
kiera- i said! alot of teachers point their fingers at us when we talk too much in class.
me-.......... thats a finger you drew??
kiera- uhhh yes?? what'd you think it was??
wife- nothing! just run along and play

we both almost fainted. we expect that kind of stuff from our son, NOT our angelic daughters. we sat back down in our chairs and sipped more of our margaritas. by the time we had finished them, our middle daughter jadyn comes up to us and makes us both feel like we had 10 margaritas instead of the two we really had. she wanted to show us what she had drawn...

jadyn- dad look!...thats me and you!
jadyn- dad? dont you like my drawing?
me-...yes sweetie. of course i do....what is it?
jadyn- its a plane commanded by peter shaft and he's flying to the rear of forest because he's sneaky.
wife- we i like it jadyn. dont you sammy??
me- umm yeah. its great and really creative and there's no more cable or rock&roll for you
jadyn- what?? why??
wife- oh nothing sweetheart. daddy's just playing, now you run along and play.

i couldnt believe what i had seen. my wife could see childlike honesty in this picture, but i only saw the dangers of cable tv and rock&roll. i hadnt shook off the terror from the last two drawings i had seen when i heard my son say...

"dad! look what i drawed!"

based on what i had just seen, my heart was in my shoes.

i was pleasantly surprised when i looked down to see this...

me- hey thats awesome son! did you trace it or draw it?
boy- i drawed it all on my own
me- awesome son! i didnt realize you could draw that well.
boy- yup
boy- do you know what it is?
me- uhh yes of course. its two kitties
boy- do you know what they're doing?
me- i guess playing
boy- dad?
me-....yeah son
boy- whats 69 mean?
me-......(shit) along and play


ellen abbott said...

boy, are you in for trouble.

Salt said...

Oh my gosh I am DYING over here. Absolutely dying. I wonder if my mom and dad had such a dirty mind when I was growing up drawing stuff like that because I most definitely have one now.

K. Rock said...

Hilarious post. I don't think it's too far fetched to assume what these kids nowadays may or maynot know about. They learn so much so fast. Love that second picture though.

Lora said...

ha! I have no words.

Linda Medrano said...

Oh Sammy, pass the the tequila. That is too funny!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I think you need more Margaritas to blot out those images! LOL.

Brittney said...

omg omg omg!!! this was the FUNNIEST post yet! haha I dont even know what to say but my hubbs is giving me a strange eye because i literally busted out laughing 3 different times!

Cheeseboy said...

So stinkin' funny sir. Why I could see that it was a finger, no problem. yeah, a finger, that's the ticket.

My boy is 8 and I don't he even knows that girls exist. I mean, he knows they exist, but he pays them no mind at all. Maybe I should be worried in a whole other way?

Brittany C said...

New follower thanks to Brittney...

I must say this post had me LMFAO! Seriously, at age 18 and just graduating high school, stuff like this is nothing new, but always hilarious.

Mr. Stupid said...

OMG. This was hilarious. I think you need to forget you ever saw those pictures.

Dawn said...

Broke out in laughter at work - this is great!!!!!

On my way to Vegas for the Garth Brooks event this week - you guys have got to get involved! Who passes up a free trip to Vegas! :)

Alix said...

Um! Er! I agree with Ellen!

And that's one patient wife you have there. VERY patient.

mintifresh said...

Omigosh! I am dying here! That is one full and eventful day for you guys! My kids kept asking me what's so funny. That is freakin classic!

"Hotter than Satan's balls at a Texas track meet" There is no other way to describe a hot day from this day forward!

bananas. said...

OMG your kid's drawings alone could be a blog. they're a freaking RIOT!!!

and this ---> "peaceful panda eating cotton candy" just relaxed me.

Glamazon said...

I can't believe every one of your children drew such...educational pictures :) That is the funniest thing ever. And no way that looks like a finger.

Yeah-watch your boy! :) I don't think I knew what that was until I was like 18.

amy (metz) walker said...

Um, so many things I could say about this post.

First of all, love the "fireworks in a dragons mouth" visual. Secondly, the baby oil tangent...cracked me up.

The story about Kiera = PRICELESS!!! I'm dyyyyying laughing...especially knowing you and Les I can TOTALLY hear y'all saying all this!!!

Mr Monkey said...

that was off the hook funny ....
Mr Monkey

The Rambler said...

OMG...I almost peed my pants reading this!!!! Hope you been good. I'm still off figuring out life. But wanted to stop by and say hey!

GREAT post. Even though it's content might have been a tad stressful to you and the wifey :)

Lizzi said...

Oh the visuals!!

Tiffany said...

will these be entered into the kids' scrapbooks? hung on the refrigerator? copies of these should be made and passed out at their graduation. there's no connection; but the sheer embarrassment is reason enough.

Linda Medrano said...

Sammy, just a note to say I hope you are too busy enjoying summer to be on here, but I do miss you.

Cindy said...

Your family is truly lovely! And the picture is HILARIOUS! :))))

Stella said...

Oh my god! I don't read blogs for a few months and then I realize I am missing posts like this! I have been laughing SO hard reading this Sammy. Those pictures are priceless! PRICELESS! I am sending this post to everyone I know!

The Catons said...

hey bud...just wanted to let you know that was one hellofa hit you put out last night!!! The hubs and I watched it over and over and cringed for the other guy every time!! Way to ring some bells!!!

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im married to one succulent momma and we have 3 supremo kids. i like corn dogs, star wars, toothbrushes with the grip and there isnt really much more to say of interest about me. well other than the fact that i can moonwalk and count to 10 by 5's.

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